Paternal Grandmother

I admit to not having read every post so apologies if I'm repeating what has already been said.

Parents of their first baby are inevitably very very keen to do everything right and anxious about how to achieve that. Objectively speaking, it's logical for the mother to trust her own mother more, as she has experienced her parenting skills and presumably therefore trusts her. Whatever your son says she will naturally lean towards her mother for advice and support. As the baby grows she will hopefully become more confident and more ready to be welcoming and eventually trust you to do some child minding.
Be patient. Don't be needy. Don't compare.
There are millions of grandparents who see their grandchildren rarely.I'm one of them, even though I'm the maternal grandmother, but I live a long way away and have to accept that paternal grandparents who live quite close, see them far more often and know them so much better( they're now 11 and 9). Yes, I'm jealous but will NEVER say so!

Keffie12 I have heard that saying but definitely not true for us. I assumed that being the paternal GPs we would be less involved but the opposite is actually true. We know that we are fortunate.

It’s the old saga of DIL’s and their mothers. I’m the mother of sons and it’s happened to me although my sons did make sure I was included. One dil and her mother were quite spiteful really. The other dil was always asking me to have her first baby and I was ok with that even though it put me out at times.

I’ve been married twice so had two mil’s. 1st one was very possessive over her son and was more interested in him than our sons, second one was fine and I still see her regularly and think the world of her and her me, even though I split with her son. Everything amicable.

Some women are territorial I’m afraid. Best not to push; it’s early days and you have years ahead to spend time with your new gc.

There is a saying " My son, my son until he gets a wife, daughter my daughter all my life" This is so true.

I have 3 sons and 1 daughter. My daughter and youngest son live abroad. My eldest and 2nd son live here.

My eldest is 30 minutes away and my 3nf don is still at home.

Daughters are far more for their mom and in your case aunt too. It's how it is.

My daughter since she got pregnant as become far more for me than she was. I'm divorced from her Dad. She was always a daddy's girl. Not anymore.

Once a week is good. The majority don't see them that often. I see mine once s week which is part of my Nana sitting.

My DiL mom who lives in the same village as they do sees them most days. I do feel a bit envious sometimes. It's my stuff to deal with.

Your outlook on this will be a bit different as you lost your mom so young. You don't get it as easily.

I do get it though where you are, because of a non existent relationship with my biological dad.

My boys have nothing to do with their biological dad. He is a total sh*t. My daughter does have a relationship with her dad.

I don't get why she does because of my non existence relationship with my late dad who died when I was 18.

She knows what her dad is like, warts and all. I didn't with my dad. He was a shell of a man who lived a total lie. I didn't find out the truth until I was 36.

The identity is because your relationship was broken when you were so young you didnt have that chance to have the mom daughter bonding when you were pregnant so don't get it it

Whilst your mom died when you were 14 the connection for different reasons is part of why you don't get it. Your MiL wasn't interested. You turned to her to get as the alternative mom and it didn't work.

My biggest tool for when my head is scrambled is to write as it brings me clarity to what is going on underneath.

There us alot of old association going on here I think of your MiL rejection and your mom being passed.

You want it to be different. That's ok. It's how you deal now

This is all so new, Bluesparkle. Auntie will go home - she is having to make the most of her week - and I am sure that a better pattern will work out for you. This is such an exciting time all round. Without doubt your DiL's parents must be beside themselves and probably will take some time to calm down. You will have your own valuable contribution to make to the life of your lovely new GC, so take a deep breath and look forward to this - I'm sure it will come. x

Count your blessings. My grandson is almost 5 and I can count his visits to my home on the fingers of one hand. Offers of help have never been accepted and I've never felt welcome at son and DIL's home. By now I've had to move past it and fill my time with other things. I love my grandson so, so much and I feel desperately sad but such is life.

I used to hate ‘just popping in’ I was always in the middle of doing something, on one occasion I know I really riled my MIL as I told her where the kettle was. It really was not convenient.

Once a week you don’t know how lucky you are. I don’t live near my grandkids I’m planning to live closer to two of them. Don’t be jealous of the inlaws they want the same has you do which is the best for grandkids. My grandkids have sleep overs at their houses but I’m too far away at min. But What I do is I babysit at their house and my sons with wife’s have a night away in a hotel so I get time with grandkids at their house.Also parents get a night to themselves. My youngest granddaughter was born in lockdown so I never got to meet her until she was 5 months. My advice would be enjoy your time when you get it and be patient. Also if they get divorced you will see grandchild even less. I’m talking from experience So be thankful for what you get.

We have 3 DDs and a DS. All their in laws are very pleasant. DD3s in laws live abroad but the other 2 sets aren’t far away. I was lucky to have spent quite a bit of time with the DDs and their babies before they went back to work and I helped out with childcare one day a week for each household after that. They’re all at school now. It’s totally different with DS and DIL. We live near them but make a point of not “popping in.” DILs parents live quite far away but get all the quality time. When the GC were little our DIL arranged all her appointments and outings to take place whilst they were staying there. They go to stay with her parents every school holiday. We do get to see them but it’s not the same and never will be. I wish our DS would fight our corner but he doesn’t see the need.

My husband was one of nine children and my MIL was far more interested in her daughter’s children, and she didn’t drive so the only time she saw our children was when we went to her. Which was fine, they were quite fond of her, but my own mother was by far the favourite! I was quite happy with the situation as she certainly never interfered.

VioletSky

BlueSparkle I think you are looking at this wrong

It is not down to your son and DIL to do what you need to sooth your envy, it is down to you to find a way to move past it

I know you are offering help but too many offers are going to come across as needy and badgering

Bring invited over once a week is fantastic, even if you feel that time is too scheduled the important part is that they are making that time for you.

Please stop pushing to have your grandchild alone, it's not necessary for you or for your grandchild and it is not what the parents want.

Maybe focus on offering something once a month on your terms, a picnic in the park, a day out somewhere, a meal at your house where they don't have to play host.

Treat them as a family unit and don't push for separating them before they are ready and I think things will change for the better

this absolutely and DO NOT pop round.

I have 3 sons , no Grandchildren yet . I don't have any Great Expectations of being more closely involved than DILs own mother . The mother naturally has a much closer bond with her child .
I have come to realise that parents of sons do get the short straw . Although I get on very well with my DIL and live nearby I wasn't included in any wedding arrangements , it hurt initially but I decided it wasn't worth causing upset by expecting to be . I contributed an equal amount towards it and just got on with it .I expect the same will happen with Grandchildren .
Our son invites us if he wants help with DIY and we go but we rarely get invited otherwise and I never drop in.
I think after the birth of a baby a daughter will want her mother , however well you get on you can't replicate that and boys just don't see it quite often . They're busy at work etc etc .
I think boys just grow into Men and they grow away from you especially after they get married
Once a week is quite good . Try not to compare yourself to the other Grandparents , be there if they call on you , and enjoy the once a week for what it is .
I do understand how you feel though.

OP
I really feel for you. I am very lucky that I am close to my DIL and can see our 9 month DGS whenever I want.

Some people seem to forget….this your sons child also! Doesn’t he get a say in it? I would be upset if my son didn’t ‘allow’ me to see his child and would absolutely expect him to have a word!

Saying that please don’t do the popping in thing and just enjoy the time you have been allocated to see your DGS…I hope things improve for you x

Living 30+ miles away from DS &DDiL I see my DGC every 2-4 weeks! I would love to see them more often but it isnt easy with travel & both working! So I make the most of the day I spend with them, a chance to see DS & spend time with DDiL too. Spending what my DGS calls ‘Nerd Time’ is great as we are all ‘Nerds’! DGD is Barbie mad right now so have to pretend! Maternal GM does not bother so MGF & I do get more time which makes us happy. My Ex just doesnt bother! We have never felt in competition but can understand those that do as being Grandparents can be a minefield. So take your time OP & build a loving relationship as the baby grows.

Some interesting comments, I have 2 sons and one daughter so know I will hopefully be the paternal grandparent at some stage. As others have said do not have that quiet word with your son my ex mother in law did that all the time and it used to infuriate me, and she saw a lot of my children as my parents lived some distance away.

do not feel guilty about your thoughts. Paternal grandparents often see the grandbabies less. Just happens. We too have the appt system in place. Every three weeks we get approximately 90 mins with our son and his family.
However we get the photos and the videos.
Again, feelings don't always make sense it is how we feel . However I am grateful my son sends me messages during the week and that we are involved ,virtually, in their life
Congratulations on your grandbaby

Norah and MOnica are pretty harsh. The OP has already spoken of her early losses and her hopes. Surely that is what we can be sympathetic about?

My DILs family have the appointments system which our family have never had. Ours just pop in anytime which is nice.
It's resulted in all our DSs family not visiting apart from his sister.
We just ring our son now and he always says pop in which works well for us to see the DGC.
She is more welcoming now since she's not spoken to her mother for 2 years apart from a visit at Xmas.
Tried to dominate her own mum and her mum wasn't having any of it.
At least you are seeing the baby once a week. Keep it friendly is my advice and don't make waves

BlueSparkle41, I have been in exactly same position as you and gs is now 22. It's hurtful and Dil told my aunt I would be gran in name only.

Four months? Bide your time and give yourself a hug. Be loving when you visit. And patient!

I went through this... paternal grandmother, I left work, early retirement, moved back here, not too near, envisaging ... ah!
it never happened.. not close ,as such to my gks.. eldest 24 now, second eldest 21, then two younger ones.. I feel "closer" to the two older ones,,, my dil, was a stay at home mum, so...

life doesn`t always turn out as we hoped for.

I know it is hard but try to think of the parents' point of view. My mother in law "popped round" several times a day. We moved house to be further away

I would just point out that once a week is a good amount of time to see a very new baby. Also as others said, mum may be on maternity leave. Just wait another year or so, when the baby becomes a toddler - they may well be calling and begging you for help!

Once a week! I’d love that. My only grandchild lives just too far away for easy visiting. Actually son and granddaughter have just been for two nights, which was lovely. We probably see them every two or three weeks. There are no paternal grandparents but even when my son’s partner’s mother was still alive (she died 3 years ago) because she had dementia, she took little notice of her granddaughter. Fortunately I get on well with son’s partner and she is happy for me to take granddaughter out for the day. Yes, once a week - I would love that!

Richie97