Paternal Grandmother

Isn't it strange Libbee how some people just can't seem to get their head round the idea of a wider family units other than their own. And how sad that your son trying to maintain positive relationships with wider family had to give up because of tensions in his own nuclear family. Exhausting for everyone!

I am glad that you have such positive relationships with your other grandchildren.

Oh I totally understand how you feel. I think paternal grandparents are quite often sidelined in favour of maternal grandparents. I think it’s because most girls are close to their moms.
But as time goes on, you’ll probably get your share of time with your grandson.
My advise is to say nothing, it will only make things worse.

dumdum

I used to hate ‘just popping in’ I was always in the middle of doing something, on one occasion I know I really riled my MIL as I told her where the kettle was. It really was not convenient.

With a new baby, "just popping in" really isn't on. Babies have to be 'scheduled' into the new mother's life-feeding, changing, bathing and the mother has to contend with the rest of the daily grind in between. Not to mention that precious mother-baby alone time... when she can sit back for 5 minutes having done all the things that still need doing and just take a breather, alone with her baby.

The reason it probably "feels like an appointment" is because the new baby probably has to be fed, burped and changed to a bit of a timetable - the wee mite needs this kind of discipline for its comfort and well-being.

I think once a week is good enough for now!

They must do things differently in the UK then they do in the US. I can see both sides, but I must say I think some of the remarks are rather preachy and cold-hearted. When I hear some of the stories on here about grands and grandchildren, it makes me feel sad.

i missed out on seeing my grandson when he was born the day after i went into hopsital, he was in for 6 weeks and i took nearly 6 months to recover, nurses in everyday, could not go out, i could not even hold him., he is now 3 and i see him every few weeks and i am happy with that, i don't need the overnight stays or have him all to myself, i am just happy that i have him in my life as there is a lot of grandparents who never seen there GC, most girls are closer to there mums when they have a child, it is not a slight against you, i never even left my son alone with my mum until he was 5. just enjoy the time you do have and maybe do what others have said, invite them for dinner of even a sunday visit or what i have done is looked after the little one and let them go for a meal or pictures than went home.

Is your DIL planning to return to work? You may find the family needs more help at this time? 4 months is very young to regularly hand him over if he has been a much wanted baby. You do say you didn’t think you would have a grand child which leads me to think he may have been desperately wanted. You may find as he gets a little older DIL is more willing to share him. I really hope this situation becomes a little easier for you as it is a wonderful time of life to be thoroughly enjoyed.

I honestly think it’s a primal instinct for mums that dads just don’t have or have as strongly.

My mum and my sister, I was instantly at ease with, I would walk out of a room whilst they had baby, nip to the shop. Anybody else I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing that.

I think that hurt my mil initially but my feelings were strong and honestly, I put my feelings first, my baby didn’t need to sense any anxiousness.

However after a about 6 months those feelings lessened. Then With second baby it wasn’t an issue, because I already had that subconscious feeling as though mil was in that safe circle.

I did however spend more time with my mum and sister because pre babies, I saw them frequently and we socialised, so that just continued. But i try to remember mil, I initiate visits, take photos of her with her gc.

I'm sorry I haven't read thru all the posts in this thread. As the paternal grandmother I have always gotten the short end of the stick. The other grandma has open and free access to the grands and I am left feeling like I'm not good enough or important enough etc. The rules are different for her than me. Its not fair and I have brought the subject up more than once. Finally my son told me that's just the way it is and always will be. The mother favors her family and she generally is in charge of the calendar too.

I have daughters and gave them the advice my mother gave me which was make sure the GC have as good a relationship with all the GPs as you can, as regardless how irritated you are by your inlaws (not always but it happens ) you are not in any way to jeopardise the GC : GP relationship as you don’t know when you as a mum might need it, and when you do you need the kids to go there willingly, and to do that they need to know each other properly. I love my GC to pieces , we see them probably once a month, the other granny has them regularly a day a week and also get off the cuff visits as they’re local. I am sorry I can’t be there for them more often , but I’m pleased they have the other granny to be there for me if you see what I mean and us grannies know we have a mutual interest in making sure the GC have a great life.

I don’t think it’s anything to do with primal instinct. Most men will acquiesce for an easy life.

I know exactly how you feel! I've been there too, and still am in some ways, I have a 6 week old granddaughter who I've seen three times and held briefly twice.
Please follow the advice on here there is a lot of wisdom in it.
I've stopped fretting about it and decided to just accept the situation as it is and be grateful when I do see her.
Stay loving and open to them but stop offering to help, I can assure you, once their cute little baby has grown into a toddler they will change their tune about you and be asking you for help.
Your grandson will love you, you can be sure of that, no matter how involved you are in his babyhood.
Look forward to that, you've got many years of fun to come.

In time things will change I am sure your gc is only young and it’s all new to the parents and it’s only natural for her mum to be around.
My mum was great when mine were little. My mother in law too.
I can only say don’t make waves just enjoy him when you see him and it will get better.

Yes, same for me Bluesparkle, only I only saw my grandchildren once in a while, part of the reason being we live 2 hours away. But DIL was very close to her mother, sister and family, even though her mother also lived more than 2 hours away, also sister and rest of the family. I have just never felt accepted or comfortable in DIL’s presence, and as a result have made a few blunders along the way. However I was once told by DIL that I always showed much more interest in the grandchildren than her mother. The result of all this is that there feels a distance between me and GC. DIL is no longer DIL! She is unfriendly unless she wants something. GC are fine, but really don’t go out of their way to keep in touch, though I try to do so. My GS (middle child aged now 22) is actually turning out to be the most responsive and actually sent me a birthday card which I am thrilled about! I get on well with eldest GC - a girl, now aged 26. She does phone me from time to time, she is quite a character, and when I mentioned that it was my birthday the other day, she said she had a card she’d send - I’m still waiting!!! The youngest, a girl is 17. When she was small we had a really good relationship, but as she has grown up, she has become more distant, and teenage years are difficult. Also maybe her Mum has had something to do with it. However I never remark on this, I love them all to bits, never complain about it. I’m not making myself out to be particularly virtuous but one just has to accept the situation which is so common with paternal grandparents.

I’m sure this thread was on last week.

If your daughter in law is on maternity leave I think it's natural that she would like to spend time with her parents and sister. She probably feels more at ease with them too. It's difficult to be s first time mum and maybe she thinks you are more interested in the baby than in helping her and finds it easier to ask for help from her family.
All you can do is let her know you are there to help if she needs you. Please don't give her the impression that you are needy or that she is cutting you off as that may make things much more difficult. At the moment you see him once a week which is more than some people see their grandchildren.
Perhaps when he is a little older and your daughter in law is more confident things will change. Meanwhile I would just enjoy him when you do see him.

I feel so sorry for you. Did you ever think of invoking grandparents rights?

No such thing as grandparents’ rights in the UK.

Don’t get upset,it is very early in the babies life,it used to be the same with my DIL but as time went on we were always available and very helpful,always took baking,did laundry,picked up things they needed etc etc,now my DIL phones me often for advice,pre Covid I used to take them to lots of their after school activities and watch all sports events and take them out for days of fun,the kids love coming to us and their faces light up when we see them—— just give it time and make sure you never complain,good luck

Darling bluesparkle 41. Yes yes and yes again. Sadly your predicament is extremely common for reasons nobody appears to have knowledge of. DiL are so very possessive and sometimes downright evil when it comes to ways in which they can 'punish' paternal grandparents. I've had 9years of it now with my last eight of my darling x3 GK back in FEB 18. I sincerely wish you well and pray you don't fall to this curse xxx

Beanutz2115

I feel so sorry for you. Did you ever think of invoking grandparents rights?

In UK there are NO rights as grandparents.

God forgives me but sometimes I genuinely wish I had only the one son.#2 son is complicit in abhorrent treatment of both me and DH and his father (my ex) and his missus and his own brother is rarely if ever invited to visit but always in touch when cars need work doing(owns garage with father, suprise suprise) my life is barren ,#1 son has no children due to 14+ years wasted on an absolute ' taker' who was with him until it suited her not to be having taken all his earnings then kept shared savings! Misery doesn't begin to describe it. I would have. Been better with just one darling loving son and no GK to beat myself up about and have my old age turned into a sentence of waiting to be no more. Dramatic? Not a bit of it. Genuine grief? Yes

Beanutz2115

I feel so sorry for you. Did you ever think of invoking grandparents rights?

@Beanutz2115

I'm sorry "grandparents rights" because OP "only" sees her grandchild once a week? Or to force the new parents to hand over their 4 month baby for "alone time"? I have never hear of anything more ridiculous.

I think that OPs case is mostly an issue of mismatched expectations in these early days. It need not affect the relationship that you go on to have with your grandchild.

For what it's worth I gave birth in a different country
- my DM did not meet DD1 until she was 6 weeks old and they went on to have a lovely relationship even though they only saw each other a few times a year
- MIL did not meet dd1 until she was 3 months and their relationship was more difficult but mostly because she was not that interested in babies and died when dd1 was 5

Couldn’t have said it better myself DiscoDancer1975

I can see this is quite an emotive subject!

I have a very special relationship with both of my sons which I would never want to damage.

Further thanks to you all though - I am in a much better place having read and digested your thoughts.

Don't push for more contact. As others have said, it's likely to backfire on you. When you do visit, pay attention to baby's Mum, letting her know that you're not just there to see the baby. Take some flowers. Ask if there are any jobs you can help with. They're likely to involve you more if they enjoy your visits.
My GS was born in May 2020, and the idea was that I would be there. I have an excellent relationship with my DIL. Sadly, they live in Australia, and I'm still waiting to meet him. His other GPs live just down the road, and see him frequently. It's sad, but can't be helped, and I'm not jealous of their frequent contact.
I also have a 5 year old GD over there. My DDs child. I haven't visited them for almost three years, either. Her other GPs live in Peru, so she is doubly deprived.
Thankfully they all do their best, with frequent FaceTimes, videos and photos, to keep us in contact as much as possible. Seeing them in person once a week would be bliss. I hope to be able to visit soon but, at 82, it's likely to be the last time I can hug them, unless they manage to come over here. Difficult and expensive. I take what I can, and appreciate it.