To young to be an interest grandparent

I am going against most of the replies you have had. Okay you had your son at 16 years old and brought him up well. You are still young at 36 and that is great in fact I had my first child at seventeen so not much difference in age from you.
My child however did not choose to make me a grand-parent when she was 20 years old but I damn well would have supported her and would have been happy for the news about a grand-child on the way.

Personally your line where you say " I have zero interest in this grand-child and want absolutely nothing to do with it" does sound harsh and selfish. This coming child did not have
any choice about being brought into this world and in fact is just an innocent part in this.
There are thousands of people in the world that have tried to conceive and have paid thousands for IVF and would give anything to be in a position to have a pregnancy also who knows what is around the corner this baby could be born and then something could happen in your family where for instance your son might not be able to father another child.
Walk away from a future with this child that is on the way
I would think differently if I was the person in your position.

Your son is 20, he’s an adult and becoming a father so he needs to step up and take responsibility. They both have jobs yet continue to live in both parents’ houses!?! Wtf no wonder you’re upset, I would be too! You know what’s going to happen - they’ll continue their selfish lifestyles, sponging off both sets of parents, going out and leaving you to babysit.
Let him leave and go and live full time at her parents’ if that’s what she wants - better still, find their own place and start nesting for their new little family.
You’re more likely to bond well with your new grandchild if there is some distance and you have a grandparent role, not a surrogate mother. You long for another child and at 36 this is perfectly reasonable. If you get your skates on you might find your new child and grandchild are close enough in age to be playmates. This is not unknown. As for your husband, you and he need a serious talk about what sort of life it is you both want in the next 15 years…..

Once grandchild is here you will feel
Different and I will
Also add… being that you are the paternal grandmother you will find eventually you might get sidelined anyway.. this often happens, not always but is more often the case. Sounds like your just annoyed atm and I would see how things progress, don’t say how you feel to your son as it will come back to bite you. Talk to your husband about your feelings on having another child and that you are unhappy with a grandchild being the reason not to.

Lomond - First of all, shut your ears to anyone who says 'you should ...' and there seem to be some on this thread. The way you feel is perfectly normal and you are completely entitled to those feelings and to want to protect your own home from the intrusion of both your son's girlfriend, and his baby. You sound as though you and your husband both have busy and demanding jobs, it is unreasonable of your son/girlfriend/girlfriend's parents to believe it's OK for your home to suddenly expand, by default. If this were through your choice whether it be by another child of your own, or because you wished to invite your son and his girlfriend to live with you that would be fine.
There's a sense of entitlement coming from your 20 year old son which is misplaced. You've brought him up to get a job, he's spending his money without a care. You've done your job with him. Does he pay rent?
My suggestion to you as a psychotherapist, is to call a meeting of both families, explain to everyone your wish to preserve your lifestyle and privacy - they can't go ahead with their plans without your agreement - and then explain also your misgivings which are very real, about the idea of a child growing up in the nomadic environment of half the week at one house and half at another. I realise this will meet with horror from some gransnetters who will say and believe that children can grow up quite happily in such an arrangement, but I know the likelihood of this and it's not high. Many of my clients have spent their childhoods in this way, never knowing where to call home and who to attach to.
If you and your husband, and your son's girlfriend's parents agree to this arrangement you are enabling their continued frivolous behaviour and sorry but it is frivolous to become pregnant and then expect two sets of parents to step in. They both need a wake up call, a flat of their own, pay their own rent, and take responsibility for their own child. This is a purposeful decision they have made - if the pregnancy is well on its way they've chosen to go ahead with it - their irresponsibility should not become your responsibility.
None of what I've said implies that you won't grow to love your grandchild. Nor does anything you say imply that you are blaming the unborn child. The people with responsibility are your son and his girlfriend, and the two sets of future grandparents who need to allow these two young people to enter the real world and take ownership of their actions..

Sarahcyn- the suggestion of the 'oops' moment baby is an appalling idea- almost as irresponsible as the young prospective parents have been.It might also cause a rift between the OP and her husband.She has enough problems without ending up bringing up a baby & a autistic young child on her own.And also her other son& his young family on top.??

The young parents-to-be need to first sit & work out what they earn, what they've been spending, & where they can cut right back- so they can see how much they can afford to rent for? A private let may be their only solution at moment- perhaps you & your husband can lend a deposit? Or if not is her mum willing to have them all there till they save up a bit? (But I'm thinking a practice manager & a G.p aren't exactly broke so can actually lend a deposit?) Then you (both sets of parents) can give them bits &pieces to set up home etc.or if sons staying at home, maybe HE can be the one who spends half a week in GF's mums house? Rather than ship a baby backwards & forwards etc.? I really don't think they've thought it through much? Help them to do so.Tell them you can help practically and perhaps partly financially, if you can- re deposit.But not have them move in as a family.Then help all you can.I'm sure you will love this GC when it arrives, regardless.As i said, its a different type of love.?

" shell shocked" not "she'll shocked" ?

IMO, humble as it is, I can completely understand where you're head is at. You are young yourself and perhaps completely she'll shocked by the news. It's difficult to know your situation and circumstances but I understand your uncomfortable feelings. I think you should talk to your son and his girlfriend so you all can be open and honest about the situation.
No-one can ever really know how they will feel when life throws you a curve ball. Baby will arrive, he/she didn't ask for any of this and,who knows, you might change your view.

My hear goes out to the OP. Out of kindness and love, she’s allowing her son to box her in with the “well, you did it, so why can’t I” approach. The obvious answer to this is “I was sixteen years old and the choices I made then are not necessarily the choices I’d want you to make”
She is perfectly entitled to say “I have my life and I want to live it on my terms.” She is not obliged to be a free nanny and needs to say so.
Having had her son so young she hasn’t had much freedom in life. She is a young woman and her son is an adult.
I can see two practical solutions. One is to say, “of course you can live here while you are finding your own place. And I do expect you to pay your share of bills and some rent. We will review the situation when baby is 6 months old by which time we’d like our home back. We are under no obligation to house you indefinitely.”
The other solution is to get pregnant herself in an “oops” moment. This will infuriate everyone but they can’t do anything about it and the prospect of sharing a home with another baby might make the happy couple think twice.

Kwest- why would they need 2 washers &2 dishwashers???

I feel for you. Stick to your guns. GF stays at her parents. Politely tell them both living with you is not on. Wait to talk about more babies of your own, you may be in an emotional Soup especially if your 5 year old has special needs. A GP aged 39 is hardly “pipe and slippers”. New babies don’t necessarily capture youth. You are so so young a d I hope you can enjoy your life and carve space for yourself. Your son needs to mature - maybe start by him doing everything when GF visits at weekends. Love is not indulgence, as you know, love means teaching too. Good luck.

Unfortunately you don't get a choice about being a grandparent but you do get a choice about how you live your life and who with. You have a second family with your husband and you need to concentrate on that first. Your son and girlfriend have chosen to become parents and now need to begin to deal with all that is involved and if you don't want them with you say so, if you don't feel ready to be a doting granny then don't be one.

They live a lavish lifestyle and so they assume you owe them living quarters because they have no money. Well, you don't. Your son is old enough to have moved out, by now. Just because you had him at 16, it does not mean that he can use that as emotional blackmail. Rather, it means that he can follow your example and become an adult, as soon as possible.

When I found out my first grandchild was on the way I wasn’t very pleased, let alone enthusiastic. I was older than you, 48 but I didn’t feel ready to be a grandparent.luckily they already had a rented house! My DIL was a bit of a drama Queen and went to hospital on numerous occasions for things that amounted to nothing. I rolled my eyes and dreaded the birth, trying to pretend to be happy about it all. Then my granddaughter was born and everything changed. I fell in love with her. I even had her overnight on regular occasions and looked after her for a year when her mum went back to work. Don’t have them to live with you, and there’s nothing stopping you having another baby, I know plenty of families with aunties and uncles younger than nephews and nieces.

You are feeling overwhelmed and perhaps grieving for the child you may decide not to have in the future. You may also be feeling trapped, angry and bitter. These are perfectly normal feelings to experience under the circumstances.
Don't be hard on yourself. I suggest you sit down one evening, maybe when everyone has gone to bed and sit at your computer and write down exactly what you are feeling. This will externalize your feelings rather than having them spinning around in your head.
As a practice manager, you will have undoubtedly helped many people in similar situations. You could step out of the situation and think of how you would advise everyone involved to proceed.
If you could write down the main reasons for not wanting to
move forward in the way that has been assumed, ie disturbance to your youngest child, although in fairness your youngest child might love having a baby in the house. Your feelings of being trapped and maybe of missing out on your own youthful years, twice, if these two young people set up home in your home.
When you have a coherent explanation of your feelings print off a copy for each adult member of both families who will attend a joint family meeting to all work together to find a solution.
Extra domestic help would definitely be required if you are working full-time. Having shopping delivered, two washing machines, two dishwashers, rotas so that everyone in the house old enough to do something towards running the house has a specific role. Think of yourself as the CEO of your family. Delegate, manage as you do in your professional life. The talents you already have are waiting to be deployed, it is not all down to you. buying in help will make sure that you are still fun to be with and not turning into a martyr.

I am with you all the way.

Your son and his girlfriend are young, yes, but so were you when you had your son, and I am guessing that you did not sponge on your parents or in-laws.

Neither should they.

To put it crudely: they were old enough to sleep together, so they were equally old enough to either have bought a packet of condoms or to accept responsibility for having a child on the way now.

And that in my book entails them getting of their backsides and down to your local housing authority and getting themselves some accomodation before the bairn is born.

They are in work both of them, so much better off than many young parents. They can start saving now, and a rented flat may take all of one wage, but not all of both their wages.
They may be entitled to some benefits too, so point out that Citizens' advice is open for business..

Do not give in to this stupid idea about them living with you, either full-time or part-time. If her mother is as you say over the moon about her young daughter being pregnant, let her help.

Tell your son you are sorry that you have apparently brought him up to feel that the world owes him a living, and that you forgot to include the basics of sex and responsibility for one's actions in his upbringing.

To make up for these omissions, you will help him find accomodation, but he pays for it.

Leave your husband to stew in his own juice for a while. He probably wasn't expecting this bombshell either. You were not planning on another baby until next year, so leave all discussion of that until next year.

My sister had just had her 18th birthday when her eldest was born, and became a grandmother 20 years later when her younger daughter started a family. Like you, my sister said, "I am too young to be a grandmother" (to me, not to her daughter) to which I replied jokingly, " well you should have thought of that 20 years ago and she laughed.

She did however come to love her grandsons, but wisely left their rearing to her daughters. Not that they asked for help, either.

Lomond. You're a practice manager, your husband is a gp so you'll both be used to sorting out problems. I think you're feeling 'out of your depth' with your problem. I would tell them to find their own accommodation (maybe you could help with the cost?)

It doesn't 'compare' - ìt is a DIFFERENT type of love, a grandchild is different to a child of your own.Its a special relationship.One you're not privvy to until you actually become a grandparent.??

A heart to.heart with the other mum? On.neutral.territory always works best. Late in the day you have said your 5 Yr old is autistic. Your hands are already full but I can understand your wanting another child. Could you say to other mum,

" I.am.struggling but want one more child myself. Could the couple live with you? They could come to.me just for weekends or if you need a break?"

Hope it all.works out for all concerned. Keep talking, keep
Your voice low, Keep.your temper. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Lomond, I agree with everything GSM has said. You don’t have to house them, even part time. The girlfriend was devious in stopping contraception but too late to change that now. You’re still working full time and have a young child yourself so let her mum provide housing and hope they grow up enough to stand on their own two feet soon.
Regarding your own wishes for another baby there’s absolutely no reason for you not to as long as your husband agrees of course. I had two adult daughters, one married with her own small daughter when I became pregnant (planned) with my second husband at the age of 46 so my son has a niece two years older than he is. Being a grandmother is not a reason. Good luck and hope you get it all sorted. Lots of good advice on here, also some purely sentimental, take your pick.

Lomond, this must be quite traumatic to you. You may find it difficult with an autistic child but the drive to have another can be all consuming and somebody taking that option off the table without so much as a by your leave must be very hurtful. Personally, I wonder if this is the excuse your husband needed if he wasn't 100% on board with another child. I know that when I was desperate for another child, my husband supported me 100% in that but if we hadn't had one, he wouldn't have been inconsolable. He would have seen it as an opportunity for us to have other experiences.
One thing that stands out is that you are being pushed into major decisions without any say. Is your life normally like that? I can't help thinking that if you do something you really don't want to, you will be resentful and that will cause more problems in the long terms. Write a list of the pros and cons so that you can look at things realistically and have good arguments in a discussion, which you will inevitably have to have, at the ready. Don't be swayed by emotional blackmail. State your case as calmly as you can and have some compromise up your sleeve wherever you feel you can compromise. You also need to state your case with love for your son and his baby. If you sound cold, you risk estrangement. If you don't think you can do this face to face, write a letter to both of them so you have time to refine it.
Having your own baby while you have an autistic child to consider, having somebody else's baby and their girlfriend is another. At the end of the day, your son is an adult who could look after himself if push came to shove, your other child cannot.
How does your husband feel about the girl and baby moving in? Do you have enough room for privacy or to give them their privacy? Who will pay the extra costs of this? Babies are expensive as you well know!
Do you have the money to get a counsellor involved in this conundrum? Maybe they could help you and your son pick your way through this minefield.
This is a very difficult situation. In order to give our second son and his very young family stability, we did take them in for 6 months. We charged them a decent rent but set it to one side so they had a deposit for their own flat. I won't lie, it was bl**dy difficult at times. His girlfriend was difficult, our son was a walkover and the baby suffered with her temper. When the stress came too much for us as a family, we gently moved them on. Sadly, a month later the relationship broke up and she moved 250 miles away so I rarely see my grandchild now but he has now reached adulthood and he is talking about coming back this way. That 6 months did cement a good if not distant relationship.

Oh dear, you do sound angry and very worried. Perhaps when the baby arrives you and your husband will accept this little bundle of joy?
It’s amazing how young couples change and fingers crossed become more responsible when a baby arrives. Our own daughter did.
Does your son pay rent etc when living with you? If they have both been allowed to live a lavish lifestyle at your expense then it’s time for a reality check.
Communication is the key. All of you need to sit down and talk through all your concerns etc. including the girlfriends parents.
I really do wish you luck and a happy outcome for all concerned.

If you have your children young then you can expect to be a young grandparent.

You will change when you have your first cuddle with your grandchild. I know several families where the grandma has children and the daughter has children too. They can be companions for each other. You will change

Im thinking...maybe your hubby did not want any more kids in first place and this has given him a get out clause for that? You need to talk things over with him too.A child with autism can be hard work, and he/she is still only 5- so that child coming along when your son was 15 may also have been a surprise- and hard for your husband.So now he's saying no to any more.I've a feeling he may have said that anyway- but news of the imminant grandchild may be his 'excuse' now? But, that aside- your perfectly in the right to say you dont/can't have them living half the time in your house- work with the girls parents to either help them get a place of their own- or could they stay in her mums house full time till they 'find their feet'? My eldest son & his then girlfriend found themselves having a baby years ago- they lived full time at my house till after a few months they moved to a place of their own not far away- i then had his siblings at home (4 of them) youngest was a baby)Now years on they have been married a few yrs and have a nice home of their own and 4 kids.my own 'baby' is 19 next week.my other next youngest is 23 and these 2 have always been uncles from birth as i have older AC too.The family find it amusing.(i remarried)It didnt stop me loving any of my older GC when they arrived, and its a different,but special, relationship.?