To young to be an interest grandparent

You have the right to feel any way you do, but my question is did your parents help you at 16 or did you drop out of high school, move out and get a job? Were your parents involved in your son's life? If not do you wish they were? They are older than 16 and yes they need to accept the responsibility of being parents but that doesn't mean that you can't be a good loving supportive grandparent to your grandchildren.

I’m 47 and have a 4 month old GS. When I first found out my son and his girlfriend were expecting, I was livid. Neither worked and couldn’t afford to raise a child. They were mature age wise (24 and 21) but immature mentally. They don’t have the right mindset to raise a child..I was like you.. don’t want nothing to do with it…
It wasn’t until I looked at that little man when I released that I am going to have the opportunity to support the child.

You have been a young mother and you know already what they are in for. You will understand their frustration when they can’t go party all night. You will be the person they will come to for advice. You don’t have to be in their back pocket, just be available.

For me, I now can’t get enough of my GS and enjoy every minute with him. ?

Why are you dredging up months old threads about family conflict?

Obviously, it's entirely up to you what you do, I'm just being nosy.

This post is gross. Like it or not, your baby is having a baby and it would be in your best interest to respect the mother of this precious gift. Shoot yourself in the foot now and that will set you up for a lifetime of regret.

Your son and his girlfriend need to learn how to be responsible adults. I wouldn’t be happy about enabling them to continue over spending while living with their parents.

Aside from the issue of their lavish spending, your attitude toward your grandchild is unfortunate. You and your husband should be able to have more children and also have a grandchild too. I should point out that if you hadn’t had your first child at the age of sixteen you probably wouldn’t be such a young grandmother! It is what it is. There should be room in your heart for your children and grandchildren.

Hello Lomond - I really feel for you and just wanted to offer you my support, for what it's worth. I agree with Germanshephermum . That you feel angry, upset and trapped -as your son probably does on some level, - is completely understandable. Don't let anyone make you think you vshould feel otherwise. It's hard to find housing these days, but if you and your husband can somehow support your son in trying to find somewhere to live,or if he goes to her mother,. then you can take it from there. and probably your relationship with him may be somewhat easier, and in the future you may feel more able to have a relationship with his child. You were a child when you had your son. He is not. He is now 20 - not that much older, or ready for this, and probably, like you,understandably in a panic,but at his age when he can, with support, take practical to find a better solution to this,
You have to think of your family, your young child , and you should not have this disruption forced upon you, you should not feel obliged to have a young woman, who is virtually a stranger to you, suddenly change the whole family dynamic and your life for the foreseeable future. As you say, you love your son, and you do support him, but that does not mean you have to sacrifice your sanity by accepting the situation he and his girlfriend propose. You are young - same age as my son and daughter-in-law. You and your husband have busy responsable jobs You should not have this foist upon you. I do hope you can help your son find a better housing solution. But don't feel your feelings are unjustified - they are not. Good luck!

Wonder how Lomond is getting on. I can't see after a twenty year gap she and her husband starting again having a child of their own. At least her son isn't a teenager and she does have a choice about them living with her. I would be thrilled about the grandchild, it's coming somwelcome it, the son and is partner need to buckle down and sort things out, maybe living with her mother for a short time. Sure in time all will work out for the best.

I think your anger comes from your own situation more than your sons and how it affects you.

Your husbands change of heart is not your sons fault. Did your husband really want another baby. Once you leave the sleepless nights and nappies behind not many wish to return as life does get a little easier! Are you jealous of her pregnancy and are mourning the fact your husband is now saying no. This needs big discussion and its not a decision your son and his partner are responsible for.

You also say you have a lot on yourself esp with an autistic child still at home. Can you access respite care to get a break?

Your son is responsible for contraception too, hoping his girlfriend doesn't forget the pill or trusting it will not fail is also his responsibility. He should of been wearing a condom if he didn't want children. He has nobody else to blame but himself.

You day you did it all on your own, you had support but never asked. But you still took it! You did brilliantly but a large substantial amount of money you received gave you that opportunity. There is no way you could work fill time, have a baby and pay bills without any help... the financial help made that possible!! Yes you did amazingly well but you were given the tools to make that happen.

You don't need to have you son come live with you, just tell him. But I'd be careful on how you direct your anger. My mil did nothing for me when my babies were tiny she didn't want too, then once they got older and fun she had a change of heart. Unfortunately I didn't let go for how much she upset me and I limited her access to once a fortnight. By then her change of heart was too late, I'd made my own full life and I wasn't changing it to suit her. Your sons girlfriend if hurt when she's vulnerable could very easily shut you out too and you could regret it. Your son and his girlfriend will find their feet just like you did. You just now need to recharge and readdress your own situation and issues separately.

My Granddaughter was a Covid baby,
Born in Lockdown 2 hrs away from where I live. My daughter was 21 her 1st child and did it all alone. She was so brave and I was so proud of her. As soon as I was able I jumped on the train to meet my 1st grand child. A beautiful little girl called Delilah. I loved her instantly. After a year of expensive visits, baby items and house items my daughter split up with her partner and at Christmas moved back home. I have a 2 bedroom house and another daughter my youngest who still lives here, it is crouded my home is not like my home anymore I sleep in my room on settee and they have my room. I woundnt want it any other way, its short time til she gets another house, it's what a parent does isn't it. I get to do all the fun stuff and to be honest I get to laugh giggle and smile now everyday. My daughter left her house all her possessions clothes furniture make up, paper work etc
I had to reassure and let her know that it's just items and all can be replaced, gradually myself and my mum Delilahs great grandma bought items of clothes a travel cot etc she has all she needs, most importantly a strong happy mother. Xxxxx

You have the right to no longer house your adult son and his partner. That is a reasonable boundary you’re entitled to set. Her mother seems to be willing to house them, which is great. Moving constantly between two households with an infant is also very stressful and challenging, but they don’t know that yet.

I’m concerned about this part of your post: “ I have zero interest in this grandchild and want absolutely nothing to do with it.” It feels like you are projecting your anger, disappointment and feeling pressured onto this unborn child who will be your flesh and blood. This is your son’s child and your grandson, regardless of the circumstances or how you feel about your son’s partner. Think about this innocent child and the feeling of knowing your living grandmother wants nothing to do with you.

It’s not your responsibility to house them, but it’s absolutely your responsibility to work out your unresolved issues, which seem to stem from early motherhood and the burnout of caring for a child with special needs.

Yes, your son is acting entitled and you can say no. But, also - yes - your family is right that you are being extremely harsh in your judgment of this child. No child deserves to be viewed with such vitriol, most especially before birth.

I recommend working with a therapist on learning how to set healthy boundaries without the additional angry projections.

Oh Lomond, you sound like you have so much on your plate.
There's a very wise comment on this thread saying step back a little. To me you sound as if you are overwhelmed, and I can't imagine how demanding an autistic child of five may be.
I really didn't know about how I would feel to be a grandmother until I met the little thing. I love her to bits. But I'm 63 and I know I can't have more children. No wonder you have mixed reactions. You still wish for another child. You still have much of your life ahead of you.
You're practical enough to know having both one more child and another grandchild in your home, along with your five year old, would be too much.
I think you need to take a deep breath and explain this as calmly as possible to both your son and his girlfriend. I think they are presuming rather a lot, but they are not unique, and they are young. I've seen young people who didn't have jobs at the time of a baby's conception mature into sensible adults. It sounds as if your husband may not just be prematurely ageing - is he worn out too?
If you possibly can, try to imagine the best possible outcome in the decades ahead - you are still so young. Don't cut off your options before the baby arrives.

You've probably carried the weight of supporting all your family on your shoulders. Time for parameters now. Good luck.

Lomond - I think it’s absolutely fine for you to ‘vent’ here and well done you for being open and honest about your feelings. Much better to find somewhere safe to be open (here) than to bottle them up/shove them down. It’s a really tough time….Just because you have these (understandable) feelings doesn’t mean you’re going to ‘torch’ the family! Ultimately it’s a situation of the young people’s making and they will have to sort it out. Being clear about your boundaries (without being unkind or blaming) is going to be an important foundation here. A really tough situation for you - might be worth thinking about sorting out some counselling for yourself so you can have some regular support to express yourself and to clear your head.

Lomond you have to accept that a baby is coming, is joining your family. Please don’t talk yourself into family estrangement, which is unbearable.

Sorry to say this - but your non acceptance won’t stop the baby being born, and affecting all your lives.

Lomond my late sister had 11 children and some of them were younger than her grandchildren. Don't make that an excuse. I am sure you will love your grandchild when it arrives and want to help out . Please don't burn your bridges.

This is Harsh You had a child at 16. That's fine, if it's fine with you

You are a PM, and your husband a GP Where is the empathy here?

Wait for the reality of this baby

I don't see how this affects your family plans

Unless you've lived in harmony with multiple generations and know how to thrive in that way, living together is hard.

I think it's fair to point out to your son, that in many cultures it's normal and expected to all live together but that it works because there are clear guidelines and hierarchies. For most of us, it's not our culture to live like this, so we didn't bring up our kids that way and they will not behave in a way that's going to make this a success.

In certain cultures when a young couple does live with their parents, very often the young woman is an asset as she will clean and cook for the family, having a clearly defined role. The parents are benefited from this by being looked after. There are reasons why this works. Simply- it's beneficial for everyone. The young couple get to live for free and the older ones get looked after for free. The Mother in law starts to relax and live a more luxurious life now that the daughter in law can clean and cook.

But most of us haven't brought our kids up that way, if we don't live in that type of culture. Living together without clearly defined roles and expectations is a recipe for disaster and no one will be happy.

What doesn't work is the 20 something year old trying to stay the same, living for almost free and expecting their parent to still take responsibility for everything. The young person needs to take responsibility for the life they have created. They might take offence for a while, but ultimately they do need to grow up and hopefully if it's done in the right way , with good communication you can all keep your love and respect for each other.

MawtheMerrier I agree and in my first post I said they need to all sit down together and work out living arrangements .I dont think the OP saying she doesn't want "her or her baby" in the house is fair or justified.Its her SONS baby too .That wont help her relationship with him at all.They need to sit down and be honest with him but not place blame on just the girl ...that will inflame the situation.

I agree Paddyann -to suggest adoption seems an intrusion too far !
However for what it is worth, the issue seems to be less about a baby, than about these young people starting to grow up.
Living at home and spending what you earn is not a good start to any relationship, let alone a family life.

Happycatholicwife1The soon to be GC has a MOTHER and a Grandmother who want him/her why on earth would you suggest adoption.Lots of women have babies at 21 and bring them up ...even on their own to be good caring people.Adoption was the answer in the last century and it caused more issues than it solved for thousands of adoptees ,look at the mess the catholic curch made of it!

So many comments on here are harsh and judgemental.
You are trying to come to terms with the situation and I feel for you.

This is not advice but if I were in your position I think I'd try hard to encourage them to find a flat. I'd offer the deposit if I could afford it as it will give them a chance to make their little family "work".

Thinking of you.

It sounds as if your husband is using the grandchild as an excuse not to have any more children of your own, seems like perhaps he didn't want any more and is using this situation to his advantage.
The gf has tricked your son into parenthood and son storms off when you try to speak to him, nowhere to live, no savings.
If I were you I would put down everything you need to say to him on paper, take a few days over it, edit it down, try to leave emotion out of it, basically say what you are/are not prepared to do. If them not living at yours at all is what you want, make it clear. Give him this letter, leave him to digest it. You do not have to facilitate any of this unless you want to.

Oh dear - life throwing you a curve ball. I think there are some unhelpful remarks on here. Woman are in general expected to fit into ‘the caring role’ and I don’t blame you for feeling trapped when you don’t feel ready .
Some boundary setting is needed I think. Your son and his partner will be the parents and as such they really should be making plans that involve both GP’s but not making you responsible . Good luck

Totally agree with with Germanshepherdmum's post 5/4/22 @ 13.15.
The situation where a woman "catches" a man in order to have a baby is as old as time. Stopping contraception without your son's knowledge is a huge betrayal of trust.
Should the relationship survive your son would be well advised to use condoms after the baby's birth.
Maybe you and your husband could help the couple find a place to rent and pay the rent for a fixed amount of time.
Sounds as though they will need to be shown how to budget for utilities, baby and household expenses.
Your emotions must be all over the place at the moment but hopefully by the time the baby arrives you will be able to enjoy being a loving Granny.
Good luck.

If one of my kids came to me with the assumption they, partner and baby could live in my home part-time, I’d have to say it wasn’t feasible. In your position, your young son has the right not to have to deal with such disruption. I’ve never heard of a couple that enjoys living with parents/in laws, so the arrangement probably wouldn’t satisfy them for very long anyway. I’m guessing the arrangement will be intended to include free babysitting/childcare! They’ll need their own space soon enough, it would be helpful to encourage them to plan for that.

Sorry, Lomond. I think you are in shock, and I think that you must be very, very busy with such a responsible job and a child who has autism. Sometimes people just want to vent because they are so upset. They want to say mad, bad things because they feel they're about to explode somewhere where they feel safe doing so. I get that. As far as your attitude being old-fashioned, that's ridiculous. The idea that old fashioned ideas are all bad is ridiculous. Since you had a baby at 16, I doubt that you're terribly old-fashioned. Nor do I think that having a baby at 16 necessarily predicts your children doing the same thing unless you constantly encourage them and tell them that sex is pretty much a lark with no possible consequences. Doubt very much you did that. I'm utterly amazed that no one has thought of the obvious solution, which is to give the child up for adoption. An oops is one thing, but starting a marriage with a lie as the underpinnings is wrong for everyone involved. Someone can give this child a lovely home and all the love it needs with none of the attending chaos and angst that is found in your situation. The youngsters can get on with their lives and so can their parents. The idea that every child that is conceived has to be drug home (no matter what the age of the parents) is just stupid. Adoption exists to solve this issue with very good results for everyone. People who are sure that they cannot give up a child of their own in these situations may not always be thinking of the child. It's a bad idea to use a child to keep oneself from being lonely. Also, it sounds like the woman's (she's not a girl) mother just wants to play doll babies. I hope you suggest adoption to them, perhaps supporting it with some facts and statistics. I also hope you do not allow them to dictate how you will live your life. As a final point, I think all this tension will be very bad for your autistic child. You have to consider that child first, before embarking on something that will disrupt the whole household because that child has a handicap that you will have to deal with all of your life. Prayers and good luck.