Advice Needed how do you deal with accusations of favouritism

Glorianny , Thank you for your very well executed response , I will take on board the things you have mentioned as I believe you are right .
It is hard though at the time although both my EX OH & myself should be used to it now .
I will get back to you again later this week .Thank You though for taking the time to respond to me.

I think there are various things you could do. One is the turning it back on her "Oh I'm sorry you feel like that. What would you like me to do?"
The other needs a bit of a sense of humour about things and perhaps she won't cope with it. When anyone in our family comes out with "He's your favourite or he always got away with stuff I didn't" I completely agree with them and give the supposed favourite an extra hug whilst making sure everyone knows it is a joke. I'm not sure how this would go down with your GDs reporting back to their mum.

I long ago realised that what anyone does/says in any situation is capable of being totally misinterpreted by the other person involved.

A couple of years ago, in the course of a conversation, my DD suddenly turned round and listed, in a quiet voice, all the ways I had failed in her teenage years (she was at this time, about 45) and when she had finished resumed our previous conversation as if nothing had happened. I was left reeling.

I knew that some of the things she said were right, but others varied from misunderstood to downwright wrong, but after digesting this diatribe for a few days I discussed with both with DH and DS and they both also contradicted things she said. I have not discussed the issue with her at all because, at the end of the day they are her memories, and right or wrong, arguing over the past is pointless.

One of my sisters was the same, blaming me for things my mother did. In her case in the aftermath of my father's death we were able to be open with each other and when I explained our mother's behaviour from my experience, we did resolve the issue.

Like others, I think you are the victimof your DD's insecurities, however misplaced these may be. All you can do is be firm and even handed, and quiet and say that you love both your children equally and treat your grandchildren equally, as well, and then refuse to discuss or argue it through with her. In a situation like this you will never convince your DD, so why try?

Nanatuesday Sorry you are feeling low. A few suggestions:

1. Earlier this year or it may have been Autumn 2021. I received a call from her , telling me about a visit to her home the day before with Grandad & our local GD.......

If you are told about things that happened when you are not present I suggest that you just listen and say "Oh Dear! Did it get sorted in the end?" ie. When you are not present at an event being recounted, don't give opinions, comment on anything really. Just listen, show suitable sympathy to your daughter.

2. My SIL questioned my Husband on whether "I favoured the other GD"!!!

Best response to this might be to answer with another question..."Why are you asking that?" "What gave you that impression?" ie getting some clarity about the thinking behind such a question. Anything else can easily be dismissed as "protests too much" and just gives more cause for angst, from SILs/DDs perspective, I suspect

3. *....Then whoosh there it was "You Did" "You Said "
"I know you don't think you do favour etc" OMG it was out of the blue ( as per ) & left me in tears .....my reaction was to actually address it head on . I just came out with "you mean the whole time we were sat in the garden you were watching every move & listening to my every word just so you could pull me up!...*

Perhaps an alternative response would be "Good heavens, why on earth didn't you say something at the time if you were concerned with what I did/said?" And then wait for a reply. Putting the ball back in DDs court to get clarity about exactly what the concern is. And listen!

Your response to what she says will depend on the specifics but the aim is to stop saying things that sound like justification of "your misdemeanours"! Maybe "Oh did it come over like that? The children seemed to be enjoying themselves didn't they" OR "Ok. So what would you like me to do differently next time?" As in getting her to articulate what she wants rather than what she doesn't want!

The idea is to get her to articulate and express specifics rather than vague accusations which are getting everyone nowhere

4. I ended up saying that she has a problem & needs to look at herself & ask herself why she is doing this what her problem is

I absolutely understand why you said this at the time when so upset, fed up after all your hard work and what you thought was a happy time. However you could try a different, less "accusatory" response ("accusatory" is what she is doing to you, and not likely to lead to problem solving). An alternative might be:

"You often tell me that I favour X over Y. I am not aware of that, do not feel that and am struggling to understand why you think it. Please tell me why you think this"

If her response is "You did ..." and "then you did ..." you might reply "Oh! And why does that suggest I favour X over Y? I don't understand how that shows favouritism. Can you explain please"

The point of this is that you are putting the onus on DD to consider and explain herself rather than you ending up "justifying" yourself.

5. * I did also say to appease her more than anything that I did not think I favoured one over the other but it could be an unconscious thing. All 3 are different.*

If you don't believe that you do something it might be best to avoid saying things you don't really mean to "appease her". This is likely to be thrown back at you in a negative way the next time something is observed that she is unhappy about

6. And in that her 2 are very much involved in things that in my opinion they should not be whether its the Politically Correct Woke or in appropriate TV Viewing I accept that as they have an older sibling they will be subjected to these things !!...

I am unclear whether you said the bit about "politically correct woke" directly to your daughter. if you did, probably best to keep out of any such comments which I think you probably already know. If you did say it directly might be helpful to apologise for THAT comment and acknowledge that it isn't really your business. Might help to calm things down a bit so that other conversations can be had re the deeper issue of "favouritism"

A key thing in this whole process is to really really listen so that you get some idea of what is going on between you. Keeping a focus on her explaining so that you understand and listening might help you both in the long run.

All of the above is meant kindly. Good luck [flowers

Carenza123
Hi , I think you are spot on with this & almost two weeks on it still in full throttle .
As in, Father visited for 4/5days & she left it until the day before he left to lamblast him with the same vitriol .
His reaction as it was F2F was to go off but not before he told her she is unstable . Which is probably not true or helpful but is how he felt.
We have spoken since ironically on the same day that she had earlier had the 2nd outburst ,though she omitted to mention to me & still has not apologised..

Allsorts

I’m going to duck in a minute, but I’m that fed up with these grown up kids behaving like divas. Be yourself.

I agree. Grow up. Focus on their own lives.

Thank you

jaylucy
Thank you so much for your response .Yes she has an OH & does discuss with me as he even commented to my DH Husband when they came to collect GC from our holiday last year ,asked if I favoured the other GD over his GD's !!
Which shows how far this whole thing has gone .
I know now how bad DD feels about the latest outburst as my other DD has told me . I've not had an apology though have spoken as she called due to my DH not being well over wk end & was concerned .
All of which shows ,that she realises she is unreasonable with this .

I have a grown up son and daughter and I think my daughter feels unfairly treated with the in-laws making a fuss of my son (first born and a male). She has always felt inferior to her older brother because of this. I have consistently told my children that I love them both equally. All you can do is remain steadfast and consistent with your grandchildren. I feel your daughter (probably wrongly) is putting her anxieties and insecurities on to you and subconsciously engaging her children in telling tales about their grandparents. This is not on but I don’t think you are going to alter your daughter’s insecurities.

Well I know where you come from, I’ve been there.
I love all of my grandchildren very much, but without doubt, I know the local ones better, and my relationship with them is different. Also they have needed more help and support at times.
We try to be fair, but it’s actually not really possible, my daughter knows this and doesn’t like it, I know it, and am sorry for the situation, I would love to have them all down the road, but they aren’t.
Accept that circumstances make it impossible to treat them exactly the same all of the time, and all the other stuff, just try and ignore.

I’m going to duck in a minute, but I’m that fed up with these grown up kids behaving like divas. Be yourself.

well, i'm still a bit baffled about the woke issue.
he/she etc are not the kind of conversations i would see a problem with. what is the harm you imagine. also how could the younger children be excluded from an ordinary family chat which happens to comment on those issues.
i would think all these issues are well known by all the children, they are so current, newsworthy, and merge with celeb culture.
as for the rest of your post OP, we are simply saying if you want to improve your relationship with your daughter, you need to accept her as she is at the moment, and seek to understand, or at least respect, where she is coming from.
try to have an open mind, don't rush to judgement.
eg, re whoops, yes i see what you mean, it's not really an apology is it, hopefully she'll realise that soon, it takes a while for children to see things from others' point of view.
good luck.

I think the problem exists in your DD's mind - if she will go to the extent of even cross examining her daughters after they have spent time with you and quite honestly, I think you are on a hiding to nothing with her jealousy.
Yes, you will treat the eldest one slightly differently due to her age and the fact that the others will have companions when visiting.
You could try having each GC one at a time, but even if you did exactly the same thing, time and money with them, it still wouldn't be right!
The most important thing is to sit the children down and explain that you love them all equally -and keep repeating it to them and leave DD to her own thoughts.
If she rings and starts the accusations again, try to calmly say that you have no intention of discussing it with her. She can think what she thinks and even though it isn't true, you cannot help it.
Does she not have a OH or a friend that she can talk to ?

Mmm,I'm not entirely sure that I have put my point across clearly at all.
1) I do not disapprove of the way my DD'C are being brought up . I do not however agree that they should be included at their young ages with every convo in the house .(15 yr old excepted)
2) Being 'Woke 'is how GC are being brought up nowadays & that includes being Woke re gender & the whole He/She /'They' . I understand that this is how the world operates nowadays & whether I agree or not is not the point here .I just said that they are "Woke" To that end having a Teenager as the older sibling these things are discussed often. So be it .
3) I do not prefer one set of GC to the Other .They are completely different Children & by & large are being brought up the same way . I have no problems with the way either set are being raised .
They all have different interests & activities outside of School ,I have no issue with any of this .So I have no idea why I am being picked up on this .
4) My DD on the other hand is a fierce Tiger Mother or so it seems . Ready to pounce on anyone & everyone for ignoring or not commenting or praising .For each & every slight .
5) I do not agree or condone the questioning of DDC on who said what when. That I feel is unacceptable behaviour unnecessary & makes me ask "WHY' just why is it happening .to me it is teaching them nothing other than to tell tales which in fact they are far too old to be doing & again Just Why?
We all do our utmost to protect our own. BUT & I added Caps on purpose .
I relish our time together which has created many many memories that will last a lifetime .
It is in my Home that they gather (COVID times apart) It is with me & my DH that they go on Summer Holidays together both sets of GC together invited by us for the last 6years without Parents .

I am sorry that my Original Post has created so much animosity towards my choice of words ,written at at time that I was extremely upset btw.
I am sorry that its giving the impression that one set of GC is better than then other in my life & that again my telling of my upset has somehow put forward that I do favour one set of GC .

I agree with welbeck and herefornow. The great thing is that you know there’s an issue and would like to address it. You’re half way there, so if you can bring yourself to really listen and understand your daughter’s point of view, you stand a good chance.

“Whoops” is not an apology.

I agree with your view of it herefornow.

Op, your daughter doesn't like how you talk to her kids, she's told you that directly. You ignore her and do as you please.

You've told us directly that you prefer the other grandkids' interests and behaviour, your daughter has accused you of favoring the other grandkids. You ignore her and do as you please.

Keep ignoring her and acting like an authoritarian parent toward an unruly child in need of a stern hand. You've probably been behaving this way toward her her entire life, why stop now? Other than the fact that you're teaching her if you don't like how someone behaves towards you you can cut them off...

Woke in this context generally means a person who tries to educate those around them out of prejudices that may not have been questioned in previous years/eras.

obviously i do not know what is going on, but i think it unlikely that your DD does not percieve your attitude re woke.
you may not have specifically discussed it with her, but communication is more than what is explicit.
i still don't know what you mean by woke, re the DGDs. i agree not everything is best discussed with children. but i would not associate that with woke.
so i can't imagine what you are alluding to. ?

It sounds as if DD has a problem with her perception of your opinion of her children. That you think her children are 'woke' and disapprove is clear to me. Perhaps sit and chat regarding what is unsaid, something is missing.

Welbeck,
Well , You are putting a different slant on things here . And yes her Children are "Woke" & although i am aware that this is the 21st Century ,I am not sure that everything should be discussed in front of & with Children .Am I wrong in thinking that ? And by the way on this instance with these matters my DD has no idea of my feelings on this .
Yes again , I did think the "Whoops" was an apology of sorts or was maybe GD apologising . However as I was not there & was therefore assuming . I am not judgemental .However my DD is always picking up on both of her Parents in the way we speak to her Children .
Which actually is beginning to wear thin & what has happened in this instance is that DD has driven home ,spent all day at work ,stewed on it & then called me to rant .
Am I supposed to take this ?
Its not ok on any level .
I put myself out to do an EasterEgg Hunt while they were here ,which was not an expected visit . In fact all the GC had been asking about my Annual Egg Hunt . It was DD we were waiting on for a date . So as they were here for 2 days I took that opportunity to speed up & organise in just a few hours , so none of the usual frills or baking or crafting but still lots of hidden eggs . The GC all had fun .My DD is making an issue out of something & nothing .

agree with Cs783, and Herefornow.
you obviously do disapprove of your DD's DDs, or of their parenting, so maybe this is what your DD is getting at.
what do you mean by their being too much woke for their age.
that sounds like a value judgement, even perhaps a political position, that maybe your DD does not share.
also you did approve of the response of whoops, when DD was expecting apology. she should have taken this up with the child's parents rather than you. but perhps she was willing to let it pass, as a child still developing social behaviour. but your comment does sound like you think the response was ok, and therefore taking sides.
it's a little thing, but it's best to just listen.
your daughter has something she is trying to say to you, but is frustated by your dismissal of her concern.

It sounds like you approve of DSs childrens' behaviour and interests more than DDs childrens' behaviour and interests. DDs children are woke, DSs are not. DDs children need told off for throwing sand, DSs would not throw sand and so would not need told off.

DD may not express herself in the most constructive way, but that does not mean she is not feeling genuine pain.

I do not recommend following the advice to ignore her and shut her down whether she raises a concern. This is not how adults resolve disputes either. You could end up estranged if you keep on down this particular route.

I'm not saying you should put up with being squawked at by your DD out of the blue, but adults would sit down and have an open, honest, respectful conversation. It sounds like neither side is doing this. Perhaps you need a neutral arbitrator like a family therapist to reset the tone and help you all move forward.

Cs783
I had never thought of this as a 'Cry for Help" & I am pretty positive that this s not a that.
What it is is the thing that you say is being seen & perceived by DD , which is what my DS has also said to me .once seen it is hard to not see type of thing .
But his goes back years & interestingly did not happen with my eldest GD only really started once the 4 younger ones came along in quick succession her two & DS two ( 12,11,9,8 yrs)
I can remember on a holiday that my Husband booked for us that I took my DD & her 3 Daughters on about 5 years ago ,so GC were all pretty young . We sat on the beach & maybe one of the Girls were throwing sand ,but I told them not to or whatever words I used at the time .Anyway DD reaction was to sit & say 'Why did I talk to her Children like that & that I would'nt say the same to DS Children..,
My response was something like ,well f they'd done the same Yes ,I would.
Difference being they are all different Children.
But this is something I cannot continue to put up with happening .

Smileless 2012
I totally agree with you & on the last two telephone calls this is exactly what I did."Put the Phone down after saying I was not going to speak about it anymore & thats what I intended to do, (ie) disconnect the call "
Grandad( exhusband ) & I went for a long Dog walk yesterday & he said when she calls him out that exactly what he does "puts the phone down or walks away"
However, I did add that this is something she is making an issue out of & need to look at herself . I have never raised that with her before despite my thinking it . So it will at some time in the future be brought up & I am more than happy to be doing this as it needs to be "aired & put to bed" speak"