Advice Needed how do you deal with accusations of favouritism

I'm wondering if this jealousy goes way back, and your daughter always felt you favoured your son over her?

So now she's looking for "evidence" you favour his daughter over hers?

There is some confusion in your post. The foot that was trodden on became a hand in a later sentence, and the total number of grandchildren doesn't add up.

I share your frustration. My DD is very critical and sees fault at all times. I'm sure at times I am at fault, but who is perfect?

The whole 'toxic' parenting phase we seem to be in at the moment is wearing. Ironic too, given that many of those being so critical are themselves parents and will soon be in the firing line from their own offspring.

I have no answers. Don't see the point of all the aggro. What I do think is that this can have a permanent effect on parent/child relationships. No one wants to be a punchbag.

Good post GagaJo.

If it were me Nanatuesday I would refuse to discuss it any more and tell her so the next time she mentions it. If she's with you and carries on, walk away. If it's during a 'phone call and she continues, tell her you'll end the call if she doesn't stop, and if she doesn't, hang up.

My experience is that a son or daughter may well see favouritism where none was ever intended. I know I love without favouritism but a lot happens in life that can build up someone else’s picture of us. We are all fallible. I have listened to a lot of hurt. I don’t think ‘justice’ comes into this as we really don’t have any rights over someone else’s feelings. I think the best we can do is to try really hard to listen, to show love (never criticism). You do not want to lose trust but to find a good way forward.

I know it’s all difficult but I wouldn’t blank’ what sounds to me like a cry for attention and help.

Elegran, Confusion possibly due to frustration apologies .However a hand was trodden on by a bare foot . Total of Grandchildren 5 which is 4 GD & 1 GS 15.12,11,9,8 yrs.

Hi Gagajo,

Thank you for your response & I totally agree with the fact that relationship damage is occurring .This is something that will damage GC also if my DD continues to act out this way .

Smileless 2012
I totally agree with you & on the last two telephone calls this is exactly what I did."Put the Phone down after saying I was not going to speak about it anymore & thats what I intended to do, (ie) disconnect the call "
Grandad( exhusband ) & I went for a long Dog walk yesterday & he said when she calls him out that exactly what he does "puts the phone down or walks away"
However, I did add that this is something she is making an issue out of & need to look at herself . I have never raised that with her before despite my thinking it . So it will at some time in the future be brought up & I am more than happy to be doing this as it needs to be "aired & put to bed" speak"

Cs783
I had never thought of this as a 'Cry for Help" & I am pretty positive that this s not a that.
What it is is the thing that you say is being seen & perceived by DD , which is what my DS has also said to me .once seen it is hard to not see type of thing .
But his goes back years & interestingly did not happen with my eldest GD only really started once the 4 younger ones came along in quick succession her two & DS two ( 12,11,9,8 yrs)
I can remember on a holiday that my Husband booked for us that I took my DD & her 3 Daughters on about 5 years ago ,so GC were all pretty young . We sat on the beach & maybe one of the Girls were throwing sand ,but I told them not to or whatever words I used at the time .Anyway DD reaction was to sit & say 'Why did I talk to her Children like that & that I would'nt say the same to DS Children..,
My response was something like ,well f they'd done the same Yes ,I would.
Difference being they are all different Children.
But this is something I cannot continue to put up with happening .

It sounds like you approve of DSs childrens' behaviour and interests more than DDs childrens' behaviour and interests. DDs children are woke, DSs are not. DDs children need told off for throwing sand, DSs would not throw sand and so would not need told off.

DD may not express herself in the most constructive way, but that does not mean she is not feeling genuine pain.

I do not recommend following the advice to ignore her and shut her down whether she raises a concern. This is not how adults resolve disputes either. You could end up estranged if you keep on down this particular route.

I'm not saying you should put up with being squawked at by your DD out of the blue, but adults would sit down and have an open, honest, respectful conversation. It sounds like neither side is doing this. Perhaps you need a neutral arbitrator like a family therapist to reset the tone and help you all move forward.

agree with Cs783, and Herefornow.
you obviously do disapprove of your DD's DDs, or of their parenting, so maybe this is what your DD is getting at.
what do you mean by their being too much woke for their age.
that sounds like a value judgement, even perhaps a political position, that maybe your DD does not share.
also you did approve of the response of whoops, when DD was expecting apology. she should have taken this up with the child's parents rather than you. but perhps she was willing to let it pass, as a child still developing social behaviour. but your comment does sound like you think the response was ok, and therefore taking sides.
it's a little thing, but it's best to just listen.
your daughter has something she is trying to say to you, but is frustated by your dismissal of her concern.

Welbeck,
Well , You are putting a different slant on things here . And yes her Children are "Woke" & although i am aware that this is the 21st Century ,I am not sure that everything should be discussed in front of & with Children .Am I wrong in thinking that ? And by the way on this instance with these matters my DD has no idea of my feelings on this .
Yes again , I did think the "Whoops" was an apology of sorts or was maybe GD apologising . However as I was not there & was therefore assuming . I am not judgemental .However my DD is always picking up on both of her Parents in the way we speak to her Children .
Which actually is beginning to wear thin & what has happened in this instance is that DD has driven home ,spent all day at work ,stewed on it & then called me to rant .
Am I supposed to take this ?
Its not ok on any level .
I put myself out to do an EasterEgg Hunt while they were here ,which was not an expected visit . In fact all the GC had been asking about my Annual Egg Hunt . It was DD we were waiting on for a date . So as they were here for 2 days I took that opportunity to speed up & organise in just a few hours , so none of the usual frills or baking or crafting but still lots of hidden eggs . The GC all had fun .My DD is making an issue out of something & nothing .

It sounds as if DD has a problem with her perception of your opinion of her children. That you think her children are 'woke' and disapprove is clear to me. Perhaps sit and chat regarding what is unsaid, something is missing.

obviously i do not know what is going on, but i think it unlikely that your DD does not percieve your attitude re woke.
you may not have specifically discussed it with her, but communication is more than what is explicit.
i still don't know what you mean by woke, re the DGDs. i agree not everything is best discussed with children. but i would not associate that with woke.
so i can't imagine what you are alluding to. ?

Woke in this context generally means a person who tries to educate those around them out of prejudices that may not have been questioned in previous years/eras.

Op, your daughter doesn't like how you talk to her kids, she's told you that directly. You ignore her and do as you please.

You've told us directly that you prefer the other grandkids' interests and behaviour, your daughter has accused you of favoring the other grandkids. You ignore her and do as you please.

Keep ignoring her and acting like an authoritarian parent toward an unruly child in need of a stern hand. You've probably been behaving this way toward her her entire life, why stop now? Other than the fact that you're teaching her if you don't like how someone behaves towards you you can cut them off...

I agree with your view of it herefornow.

I agree with welbeck and herefornow. The great thing is that you know there’s an issue and would like to address it. You’re half way there, so if you can bring yourself to really listen and understand your daughter’s point of view, you stand a good chance.

“Whoops” is not an apology.

Mmm,I'm not entirely sure that I have put my point across clearly at all.
1) I do not disapprove of the way my DD'C are being brought up . I do not however agree that they should be included at their young ages with every convo in the house .(15 yr old excepted)
2) Being 'Woke 'is how GC are being brought up nowadays & that includes being Woke re gender & the whole He/She /'They' . I understand that this is how the world operates nowadays & whether I agree or not is not the point here .I just said that they are "Woke" To that end having a Teenager as the older sibling these things are discussed often. So be it .
3) I do not prefer one set of GC to the Other .They are completely different Children & by & large are being brought up the same way . I have no problems with the way either set are being raised .
They all have different interests & activities outside of School ,I have no issue with any of this .So I have no idea why I am being picked up on this .
4) My DD on the other hand is a fierce Tiger Mother or so it seems . Ready to pounce on anyone & everyone for ignoring or not commenting or praising .For each & every slight .
5) I do not agree or condone the questioning of DDC on who said what when. That I feel is unacceptable behaviour unnecessary & makes me ask "WHY' just why is it happening .to me it is teaching them nothing other than to tell tales which in fact they are far too old to be doing & again Just Why?
We all do our utmost to protect our own. BUT & I added Caps on purpose .
I relish our time together which has created many many memories that will last a lifetime .
It is in my Home that they gather (COVID times apart) It is with me & my DH that they go on Summer Holidays together both sets of GC together invited by us for the last 6years without Parents .

I am sorry that my Original Post has created so much animosity towards my choice of words ,written at at time that I was extremely upset btw.
I am sorry that its giving the impression that one set of GC is better than then other in my life & that again my telling of my upset has somehow put forward that I do favour one set of GC .

I think the problem exists in your DD's mind - if she will go to the extent of even cross examining her daughters after they have spent time with you and quite honestly, I think you are on a hiding to nothing with her jealousy.
Yes, you will treat the eldest one slightly differently due to her age and the fact that the others will have companions when visiting.
You could try having each GC one at a time, but even if you did exactly the same thing, time and money with them, it still wouldn't be right!
The most important thing is to sit the children down and explain that you love them all equally -and keep repeating it to them and leave DD to her own thoughts.
If she rings and starts the accusations again, try to calmly say that you have no intention of discussing it with her. She can think what she thinks and even though it isn't true, you cannot help it.
Does she not have a OH or a friend that she can talk to ?

well, i'm still a bit baffled about the woke issue.
he/she etc are not the kind of conversations i would see a problem with. what is the harm you imagine. also how could the younger children be excluded from an ordinary family chat which happens to comment on those issues.
i would think all these issues are well known by all the children, they are so current, newsworthy, and merge with celeb culture.
as for the rest of your post OP, we are simply saying if you want to improve your relationship with your daughter, you need to accept her as she is at the moment, and seek to understand, or at least respect, where she is coming from.
try to have an open mind, don't rush to judgement.
eg, re whoops, yes i see what you mean, it's not really an apology is it, hopefully she'll realise that soon, it takes a while for children to see things from others' point of view.
good luck.

I’m going to duck in a minute, but I’m that fed up with these grown up kids behaving like divas. Be yourself.

Well I know where you come from, I’ve been there.
I love all of my grandchildren very much, but without doubt, I know the local ones better, and my relationship with them is different. Also they have needed more help and support at times.
We try to be fair, but it’s actually not really possible, my daughter knows this and doesn’t like it, I know it, and am sorry for the situation, I would love to have them all down the road, but they aren’t.
Accept that circumstances make it impossible to treat them exactly the same all of the time, and all the other stuff, just try and ignore.

I have a grown up son and daughter and I think my daughter feels unfairly treated with the in-laws making a fuss of my son (first born and a male). She has always felt inferior to her older brother because of this. I have consistently told my children that I love them both equally. All you can do is remain steadfast and consistent with your grandchildren. I feel your daughter (probably wrongly) is putting her anxieties and insecurities on to you and subconsciously engaging her children in telling tales about their grandparents. This is not on but I don’t think you are going to alter your daughter’s insecurities.