Unwanted gifts - advise needed

This is an old thread and ABC12 never came back to let us know what happened.

Awkward ...
In the big scheme of things this is not worth you getting stressed over. BUT ....
When the MILS visit ...perhaps you can go charity shopping together? That way when they hold up something horrible..you can say 'yes' or 'no' !
Babies grow so fast so most items won't even see the light of day !
Bag up all that you don't like and sell them on ebay or give to other mums in your area.
Tastes change over time anyway ...so you never know you may see eye to eye later ?!?!
The real issue here is power and position ... you are being manipulated in this situation ...as your grannies are 'taking over' your role to choose what your baby wears ! This is why it is so irritating !
So what to do? ....I would suggest that you don't put your baby in anything you don't like ...not for anyones sake
it undermines you to do so ...Grannies have NO IDEA THEY ARE BEING MANIPULATIVE ! They are not aware of the subtlety
of this simple act of deciding what your baby wears (it carries more meaning from family members) ...If a mate buys something horrible ...you would probably laugh ...but if its granny ... its a different power game and feeling ...Granny SHOULD BE ASKING YOU FIRST ...but unfortunately most grannies do this believing they are helping you out !
So understand the power dynamic ... and completely forget about it ! Its YOUR TURN NOW to be a mum ... they will fall back as you step forward !

(and) - a big surprise to me - my normally practical, down to earth husband just loved dressing the girls in pretty dresses, knitted pink things with ribbons in their hair - to proudly take them out on little trips!

I always ask the parents what they'd like - or send a gift voucher - but then I do dislike shopping.

It sounds like the relatives take great pleasure in choosing and buying outfits. Why not just let them? The baby won't care what she's wearing if it's comfortable. You may not care much either - especially if the washing is piling up and baby keeps regurgitating, needing several outfits a day. When I had four kids, I didn't mind much what they wore.

If you're not going out why not make full use of all the spare outfits? It's the feeding and (hopefully) sleeping that's really important - for both of you.

My group of friends passed baby clothes around (except for really special stuff) so I'd have several boxes, labelled with size/age and mainly unisex. They'd outgrow things so quickly - and some were never worn as it was the 'wrong' weather when they did fit! I tolerated the girly, frilly stuff - and, just sometimes, left hideous things in the box.

I
Am
A grandma and I always ask what do they need or not need . So I think it should be easy for you to just say . As much as I love the clothes I can’t possibly dress them in all of these before they outgrow them . I know your having fun but I’m good on clothes up said certain age . But what I do need is and let them
Re train their thought process on something else and let them continue their fun buying something you need ! Tell them you’ll
Let them know when you start needing other sizes ! Let them
Shop but let them know what you need , even if it’s small stupid stuff , like I need socks or bows etc . Let them hunt just give them new ideas to hunt for

happycatholicwife1

Wow! Just wow! I can see that this generation of moms is planning on taking all the fun out of a new baby coming with all their politically correct rules about dressing and visiting and eating and not damaging the planet and such. Personally, none of my children ever expressed any of those sentiments to me when they had children themselves. If you can kindly say to someone not too much of this or not too much of that, then okay. Frankly it sounds like buying clothes for pregnant daughters is a minefield in England.

But they don’t have a baby for everyone else. Everyone else getting to enjoy is a bonus.

Also, don’t forget, the fathers of these children have opinions too.

Some people need directness as well. You can say “not too much”, but what is too much? To the giver it might be weekly gifts, to the receiver it might be monthly.

OP has said that any direct comments are taken poorly, so should she just put up with it forever?

Not wanting gifts is not being entitled. Forcing gifts on people who told you they don’t want them, or whining about that fact, is.

happycatholicwife1

Wow! Just wow! I can see that this generation of moms is planning on taking all the fun out of a new baby coming with all their politically correct rules about dressing and visiting and eating and not damaging the planet and such. Personally, none of my children ever expressed any of those sentiments to me when they had children themselves. If you can kindly say to someone not too much of this or not too much of that, then okay. Frankly it sounds like buying clothes for pregnant daughters is a minefield in England.

People don’t have children to make it ‘fun’ for everyone else. They’re not commodities.

I’ve only ever bought clothes if asked specifically. We bought the big, expensive things, and left them free to choose the clothes that were to their taste.

I don’t think it’s a matter of young parents being entitled. Their generation are being told what to do at every turn, from the moment they’re pregnant.

My daughter said only yesterday, “ I wish people would just back off and let us parent. We’re not being allowed to enjoy our children”. She was really referring to ‘ childcare professionals’, who mostly have never had children, but have read a lot!

I feel the entitlement, if it exists....comes from the grandparents mostly.

Wow! Just wow! I can see that this generation of moms is planning on taking all the fun out of a new baby coming with all their politically correct rules about dressing and visiting and eating and not damaging the planet and such. Personally, none of my children ever expressed any of those sentiments to me when they had children themselves. If you can kindly say to someone not too much of this or not too much of that, then okay. Frankly it sounds like buying clothes for pregnant daughters is a minefield in England.

Congratulations ❤️ I’m about to become a granny again but it will be my oldest sons firstborn. I buy the majority of my grandkids clothes but have hardly bought anything for the new baby because d-I-l is quite particular. Nothing pink, nothing flowery, she’s more into second hand or homemade. Anyway everything I pick up I think ‘hmm, they might not like this’ so I just don’t bother…it makes me really sad and looks like I favour the grandchildren I already have.

Congratulations. As for the clothes - tell them you could open a shop with the clothes you nalready have (yes, you could!) and to please, wait until you tell them you need clothes before they get even one pair of socks. They will not necessarily "obey" you, but you will have an excuse for not using the tawdries and the pinkies.

Lots of good advice in the responses. The tricky bit is balancing truth with diplomacy.
I agree you should say you're amazed at all the clothes you've already been given so won't need much more - but will still need to get pushchair, high chair, baby dishes, cot blanket...... or whatever you haven't yet got. Hopefully that might curb their new baby clothes buying.
You could then wait till you see them and say something like you've been chatting to other mums and thinking more about the environment and how new children's clothes don't get worn for long. Many of you are therefore planning on using mainly clothes passed on from others that are still in good condition. That's broad enough to be able to be truthful ( my daughter buys bundles off eBay for example and you haven't said you won't buy any new items). They should be hard pushed to complain about environmentally friendly principles.
Congratulations and good luck with the grandparents.

No wonder this could be a source of conflict between relatives and parents of kids.

The grandparents think parents are entitled and viceversa

My mil was (is) a hunter of bargains and used to turn up with bags full of stuff bought in sales. I'd just keep what we could use or liked and other stuff would quietly go in the charity shop bag.

kwest

I find the sense of entitlement astonishing in new mothers or mothers to be these days. Your children will absorb your attitudes. One day those same attitudes will come back to bite you.
Would it be so hard to learn a little diplomacy? Take photographs of the children wearing the baby clothes and find something nice to say. Then feel free to offer them to refuges.
It would actually be truthful and kinder to say that you feel guilty that your child has so much when children in refuges have nothing so you will make regular donations of clothes to the refuges and that sometimes the generous gifts you have been given will eventually go to the refuge.

Exactly.

I was given sacks full of second hand baby clothes, none particularly wonderful but all practical. However there was far to much and it became a burden. It is fun baby clothes shopping as there are so many lovely clothes now, but equally, a waste of money if the baby will never wear them.
My MIL spent her time knitting cardigans and hats which were appreciated but timing is crucial regarding winter or summer otherwise baby will have out grown them. Best thing you can do I would say is tell them enough for now, you are snowed under and have no more room to store any more clothes. My MIL paid for nappies for her grandchildren’s first two years, a most welcome and useful present and from her point of view, very generous, as it was more valuable to me than to her, a couple of her little hand made things I still have though to pass on to my grandchildren.

Say thank you very much for any gift. Take a photo of baby in one of the outfits - then send the rest to the charity shop.

That is so rude ?

i have only bought my grandson clothes once and that was because his mum was looking for long sleeved plain t-shirts that she could decorate for him. i have bought things for newborns but it has been nappies, wet wipes, cream, talc etc. included in the gift was always chocolates for mum. clothes buying is for parents. i think you need to be straight with both grans or you will keep having the same problem over the years. if you do end up with lot's of clothes then give them to charity or put them on a free website. good luck with your little girl.

I'm a granny to 5 children, the youngest being 5 weeks old and another one due in summer. I do buy clothes for them but stick to what I know they like in terms of style and character clothing-I see them all very often so can keep up with their fads. When my own children were small, there was an old auntie who hand knitted the most hideous jumpers in bright clashing colour combinations, odd length sleeves and all sorts of weird shapes. We did make sure she saw photos of them wearing them so as not to hurt her feelings, but they never wore them outside the home. They were that bad, bless her!

You sound like you have your head screwed on so for goodness sake just have the conversation with them both... Of course a Grandmother to a precious new baby wants to buy things but what a shame you can't just say to your Mum that you wish she would save her money until you get chance to shop with her as it will mean more choosing something together and save her carting it all to you when she visits from overseas. Use this for your own gifts too.
Your Mother in Law might just be happy not to feel the pressure of getting something that you may not like and it may help her to fill the void of missing her daughter and grandchildren to have a shopping trip with you.
If that fails and it might, please don't fret. Not worth it. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and becoming a Mother.
I am a MIL. and its very different and easy to feel excluded but I worked hard at being casual and taking her lead on all things babywise and I would always reinforce what I liked about how she mothered her baby. I Asked her what she would like me to do when babysitting, checked any routines etc. I'm not saying we always get it right, but I really feel the honesty between us. Good luck.

I would tell them now you have enough for that age. Tell them what you do need now - nappies, wipes, sudocreme, all in one coat depending on time of year. You will find babies grow very quickly so don't stay in same size for long. I go with what my DDs suggest or I know myself - DGS2 wants Spiderman everything (4), DGD tells you - she likes pink, flamingoes, fairies, unicorns and has just informed DD1 she wants blue gingham dresses when she starts school in August and a cardigan - no jumper (5 and very bossy), DGS1 anything football or to do with jaguars - the animal (8). 3 and 4 year olds tend to want what is current on children's TV eg Paw Patrol. One of DD2's friends only gets Scandi clothing which is expensive but some of it is cute and it sells on well. I follow my DDs ideas and ask if not sure. The other gran doesn't always but gives a gift receipt so can be changed.

I gave up and went along with it. Now she’s gone, I miss her well-meaning ways.

Shows you're a very kind person, Shizam

Used to have this problem with MIL who lived abroad. We would visit once a year. She spent those 12 months buying a bizarre array of cheap plastic toys, clothes etc for kids. Each day, she would produce something new. The kids loved it. Me not so much. The six-foot stuffed toy was a challenge to transport home on a charter flight! No talking to her would stop her. I gave up and went along with it. Now she’s gone, I miss her well-meaning ways.

If I see something that would look good on my grandson I send a picture of it to my daughter if she doesn't like it it I don't get it simple.
I can't abide waste and the thought of it not being used is annoying.

Congratulations ABC12. How would I like to be approached if it was me? I am quite direct myself and I wouldn’t mind people being direct with me. But that doesn’t apply to everyone, so it depends what your DM and DMIL are like. I would recommend using as much tact and sensitivity as possible, and definitely not telling any lies. There is no need.

I might thank them very much for all the clothes they have already bought and say that I didn’t think I would be able to use any more in those sizes. I might say that rather than more clothes, I would really appreciate help with larger items such as a cot or pushchair.

Then later on I might ask them not to buy more than a few items of clothing per size of clothes, and say I preferred to choose them myself, protect the environment and not have too many.

If they cooperate, you could do the photo thing, keep the clothes and dress your baby in those clothes when your DM or DMIL will see them. That would then be a compromise between their wish to see the baby in their clothes and your wish not to see the baby in their clothes and not to have too many clothes.

If they don’t cooperate, you could tell them again why you’d rather they didn’t buy more than a few items of clothing, and say that if they keep sending the same amount you will be giving some away. If that didn’t work, you could just give the clothes away, except for a few maybe.