Granddaughter, WOKE, Gender Neutral etc

We have grandchildren living with us, the oldest, now twelve, was an adorable child, we did loads of stuff together, and she could chat for England!
Now our school runs are more or less silent while she uses her phone behind a big curtain of hair.
We still do stuff, shopping is number one on the list, and we still have a laugh together. I am even watching Love Island with her, so we can chat about it.
Still miss those days when her little face lit up when she saw me.

I was all over the place too. I remember having uncontrollable impulsive rage too yet my parents still say I was very very quiet, so maybe it was an internal rage and I tried to bear that in mind when my own teenagers were insular and moody

I don't know what other grans were like as a teenager but I was an emotional mess. She isn't being deliberately difficult Betty25 she's just trying to cope. Instead of planning shopping trips why not ask her what she would like to do. She may not know, but even asking will make her realise you are there for her. Texting is a great idea, although there's probably some new and unfathomable way of communicating for teens already. It's a nightmare even thinking about it. Thank goodness they grow up.

I think we have to remember that all teenagers throughout time think they have reinvented the wheel in their own way. She is still the same person and they eventually emerge again in a few years time

Many years ago, before this all became a talking point, my daughter, now in her 30s, marched into the office at the start of the school year in her primary school and told them she was a boy now, and her name was Timothy*. The school secretary didn’t bat an eyelid, passed the message to the school staff, and for the rest of the year, they treated her in every way as a boy. The following September, she went back into the office and said that she was now Maggie* again, and things went back to normal. I don’t think they or I agonised over it at all - it was just a stage she was going through.

Goodness knows what would have happened if it had been 2022 instead of the early 1990s - counselling and therapy probably. We laugh about it now. She’d just read ‘The Turbulent Term of Tyke Tiler’, which poses questions about social gender roles, and she was experimenting, which is what kids do.

Role-playing is an important part of learning. If a five-year old said that she was Princess Aurora, you’d probably go along with that until she got bored with it. Assume this is just a teenage version of the same process.

*names changed

I truly, hand on heart, wouldn’t mind whatever my grandchildren chose to do, as long as they were happy.
That’s a giant step from how my parents and in-laws would have felt about my children.

Chestnut has made an import point-
Tell a GC they will still be loved if they revert back to the gender assigned to at birth. Perhaps some children get embroiled in 'gender ' change then don't know how to backtrack . Having said that I do recognize that trans issues must be taken seriously and firmly believe that society will eventually accept , but there is a long way to go yet! But it will happen.

As others have said, if you want a continuing relationship with him, you have to accept him as he wants to be. It could be a phase, it could be permanent.

Start by using male pronouns and the name he has chosen. Knowing granny is 100% on his side might help make you closer again. He is the same person you know and love regardless.

Hithere

OP

You are part of her life!

Your gc is learning to spread his/her wings - your relationship may not be as close as you may want it but it is normal

There is no bigger demonstration of love when you accept a person as he/she/they is/are

My thoughts exactly; rather than stressing and worrying over this why don't you take the time to sit and talk to your granddaughter? Tell her that you love her but you want to understand how she is feeling, don't condemn her actions as all this could be a passing phase.

I am a grandmother too and I love my grandchildren unconditionally, if my grandson came out as being gay it wouldn't bother me one iota, as long as he is safe and happy.

As well as loving them as they are… let them go a 14 year old may not want to be with her granny any more, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, it’s a very very natural process and we cannot hang on and expect them to live as we do or feel they should
My son and daughter in law support her with her ever changing changes and don’t seem to challenge the decisions
Well done son and daughter in law they are doing it absolutely right now you must do as they are doing

Her growing away from you is a very normal process lucky lucky you to have had a close relationship up to now Have no expectations this is a time of experimentation and exploration

When my grandaughter was about that age we were both going to the city the same day I asked if I could travel up with her and she said of course but if you see me in the city with my friends don’t come and speak to me please I thought that was hilarious and of course did exactly as she asked and walked on by when I saw her with a group of boys and girls

Except Sara1954 that it isn't true because no-one can change sex, although they can change their appearance and some bodily characteristics.

Wonderful that anyone can be anything or anyone they want to be.
But hugely confusing to children coming from a small village school, where eleven year olds are still children, to a massive academy, where anything is possible.

Try to meet them where they are.... get some art supplies to share and sit and draw with them or communicate in text.

Teenagers thrive when we love them as they are and it's always been a normal time to experiment with finding themselves.

It sounds as if your GC is as uncomfortable with you as you are with them Betty. As the adult, we should be the ones who make it less uncomfortable.

We learn just as much from our children and grandchildren as they so from us. None of us ever reaches an age or shouldn't reach an age when we think we have nothing left to learn. That would mean we assume we know everything; no one ever does, do they?

Good luck from me with the egg-shell treading. It's been going on for centuries. It never gets any easier.

My DD has a theory that as girls reach puberty, with all the ‘hassle’ of periods etc., it seems so much easier to ‘be a boy’, hence all the name change, different dressing, hairstyles and so on.

Whether it carries on is another matter I suppose.

And you still have your periods.

Fed up with all the woke nonsense. however nothing you can do about it, your granddaughter since this person swept in has now another thing to cope with as a teenager.She knows you won't judge her, can come to you if she wants you but at fourteen I'm afraid we as grandparents take a back seat. They have so much going on, discovering the grown up world they care entering. I accept mine as they are and hope they remember me time to time.

Because was being discussed at a meeting - with a good deal of controversy - I asked my niece who is a headteacher of a very large secondary school about trans teaching, given the rumours. She said the young people knew far more about the current discussions on gender issues than most of the adults, because its not "taught" but its all over social media.

When it's discussed in class they try to deal with it in the same was as multi-culture and faith teaching, which is acceptance of difference, everyone is an individual etc etc. Trying out names of being a boy but wearing make up or skirts of being a girl and dressing like a boy is not the same as a desire to actually go through transitioning to the other sex, taking hormones, going through medical and mental health type counselling.
Yes information is given that some choose to be LGBTQ but the info is out there already.

This gender identification stuff being taught at the moment is very worrying because of the confusion it can cause with hormonal young teens trying to find their way. Start telling them they can change sex and it's going to cause all manner of uncertainty on top of the usual teenage angst.

All you can do is accept whatever she wants to do at the moment but always make it clear you will love her just as much if she goes back to how she was. Either way you will love her. Even if she brushes off your offer of affection it will always be there at the back of her mind that you accept her and don't condemn or criticise her. Just offer her a cuddle to show her you love her (without overdoing it) and she will remember you are not judgemental and she can always come to you when she wants you.

Maybe change the way you communicate? My dad learned how to text (a good few years ago now) purely to keep in touch with my eldest. She went through a few years of mainly texting him and seeing him on the odd occasion- now she’s an adult she goes to see him on her own and they have maintained the lovely close relationship they’ve always had. His willingness to give her space to grow up and adapt to her preferred medium of contact was hugely important to her. My parents have both continued this with the younger GC as they become teenagers and all of them engage with them independently.
As long as you continue to support, stay in touch and respect her choices (even when you don’t agree with them), hopefully as she grows and matures she’ll do what my daughter did and seek a closer mature independent relationship.

she's 14 and won't be part of your life any longer, sad but true.....All the input us grans give over the years will stay with her though.

OP

You are part of her life!

Your gc is learning to spread his/her wings - your relationship may not be as close as you may want it but it is normal

There is no bigger demonstration of love when you accept a person as he/she/they is/are

Teenagers are contrary. It's a very difficult stage of life and as their family, we just have to support them, as their parents are. Even the most stable, trouble free teenager has a hard time navigating that phase of life.

It started at 11 in Y7 at my GD’s school and the instigator used it as a new form of bullying, telling on those who ‘mis-pronouned’ to get them into trouble. Among other things, telling those who joined that her parents were very supportive, but if their parents didn’t support them, they were driving them to suicide!
I can’t help wondering why such supportive parents would send their “boy” to an all girls school?

A change of name is one thing. A change to claiming she actually is a boy is something else.
I hope your granddaughter is not doing that.

Oh Betty I can feel your disappointment and confusion but 14 is often an age where you stop all the lovely grandma - ry things you are used to doing they start to pull away and want to be out and about with their friends or just grumping on their phones it really is normal boy or girl or whatever

I can understand your confusion and disappointment at her losing her lovely chosen name and wanting to feel she has made a change to more boyish pursuits but it most likely is a phase a fitting in thing (especially if she’s never shown signs of wanting to do boyish things before) and you ll probably find in a couple of years when she’s in skimpy clothes and hand in hand with a boy it ll all change
My friends daughter at her age changed her name to a boys and was very into dressing like a boy cutting her hair however two years on its all gone my own youngest grandaughter while never going that far did boxing football in a boys team and I wouldn’t have been at all surprised if hadn’t have moved further as she got older Now at 16 she’s the most feminine of them all with beautiful long flowing hair and long eyelashes fluttering everywhere