Personality change

Loulelady

Could you share the rubbish she accuses you of?

I don't think that would help.

If DiL says for instance "You're here all the time, getting in my way," then that is how she sees things and Liberte should take notice, not go round uninvited and not offer help or advice so much.
Of course, this is only a hypothetical example

The point is that you Liberte can't do anything to make things be as you want.
You have to adapt to suit your son and DiL.

Maybe the opposite is true, maybe she was depressed, needed help and support and now recovered finds it all overbearing....

Talk to her, ask what she needs, respect her boundaries and see if that helps

"Those rubbish accusations" are the key here - no need to talk to dil or son

Guessing what is wrong between you and your DiL will get you nowhere.
Just ask her. Say things don't seem to be going as well as they were and wonder if you have upset her in some way and listen to what she has to say.

I agree BlueBelle - I also find "adore" difficult - but as you say, that's maybe because it's language I wouldn't use myself.

"she will accuse me of all kinds of rubbish for no reason"

Could you please give us more details?
Maybe what you consider no reasons are reasons for her.

Sounds like she wants you to back off.
How much help did you give her? How often did you see them?

Having ppd, ppa or ppp is no joke - I hate when it is used as an excuse when original
posters (in general) do not get their way

When people talk of adoring their grandkids it always unnerves me a bit, perhaps it just not a term I would use I love my grandchildren deeply and have always done what I can to help when asked but I have never used the word adore which conjures up the idea of loving to the detriment if everything else
Could you have adored a bit too much the baby is now coming up to 2 could your daughter in law perhaps want to train him ready for nursery and not want all the adoration
I don’t know well no one does because it’s all quite vague she accuses you of all ‘kinds of rubbish’ but we can’t judge if it’s rubbish or not because you don’t give an example
But without further information I wouldn’t rush to put a medical label on just to suit your explanation of her changed behaviour
Ask your son if you’ve overstepped the mark or upset her ?

Congratulations on your new GC.

From my anecdotal experience I’ve not heard of any of my friends or their dils/dd’s having late onset PND at 20 months but I’m sure it happens.

What I do see reading through the lines, in this statement

Then last year...she just changed towards me. Now I can do nothing right. She will verbally attack me and accuse me of all kinds of rubbish for no reason!

is that maybe an alternate reality is happening to your version. Maybe DIL got on with you before the baby arrives, but after the arrival, be it unwelcome advice, ‘help’, anything that could be viewed as overbearing to a new mum and then at some point she snapped, she’d had enough of being polite and starting pushing back.

I only know this because although it wasn’t dils pregnancy that kicked off my DILS issue with me, I was very surprised when she suddenly withdrew and pulled herself from family time/events.

You would need to give us more information, what dil said about you that you describe as ‘rubbish’ to build a picture of what’s happening.

Don’t talk to your son, don’t mention PND (this will wind up your dil no end if it gets back to her, and it’s not PND and she’s just annoyed with you as her MIL), I would give her space, and the next time she gets annoyed request having a chat at better time as you feel you might be stepping on mums toes.

Have you actually asked your DIL if you have offended her? I'd probably ask her if it was me and be prepared to listen to what she has to say. If you don't agree with what she sees as interference/criticism of her as a mother I wouldn't voice that, I'd probably say I would think about what she had said and then try really hard to take her points on board in future interactions. My main concern wouldn't be who was right or wrong, it would be to rebuild the relationship. To do that, I think you have to give your DIL a voice which you respect.
My DIL lost her mother after her boy was born and we went from a wonderful relationship to one which is better than ever but it took a couple of years. I bit my tongue on many, many occasions and I am now so glad I did.
I did not involve my son in my frustrations. Even if he felt I had a point, he would have been duty bound to defend her. I do know from subsequent discussions with him that there were times when he defended me but he soon learned to do that without accusation and at the right moment.
Incidentally, I didn't handle the situation without advice from my husband, my counsellor or friends. I am far from perfect and sometimes couldn't see the wood for the trees!

Could you share the rubbish she accuses you of?

My DD was diagnosed with severe post natal depression which not recognised because of the pressure of Covid on the NHS. It was not treated therefore she became very ill and has undergone such a change in her personality.
I have to watch what I say to my once very loving daughter the chat and laughter we once shared has gone. But hopefully medication and time will improve her wellbeing. Your DIL may well have a similar problem that has not been recognised.
Try to be supportive you will have to be very patient a previously good relationship is worth it.

What happened before 'she just changed?'
It could very well be postnatal depression?
It could be she found you a bit of overbearing?

It was worth repeating NotSpaghetti.

Sorry to those who I now see have already made these points. I started to comment at about 9.30 this morning but life overtook me. Apologies for repetition!

You say "she will accuse me of all kinds of rubbish for no reason" - but maybe there is a reason?
Maybe it's to do with interpreting the same thing differently? Maybe you are being (unwittingly perhaps) annoying or taking over a bit or offering help/advice that isn't required.

I'd first look to myself as that is the easiest place to make a change. Try to see a "reason" by looking through her eyes and see if you can still honestly find no reason? "All kinds of rubbish" is very wide and somewhat dismissive.

I have had exactly the same experience. My DiL and I were best friends, I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. After my GS was born things just got better, she was really grateful for any help I could give and I loved visiting and doing whatever was needed…..BUT two years later my GD was born and everything changed, she had severe PN depression and her personality completely changed. Eight years on and another GS who is now four things have slightly improved but I still have to tread very carefully, I long for our previous relationship but fear it has gone forever. She is still on medication which affects other aspects of her personality, life is extreme difficult for my son, who worships her but has to try to be her back up as well as cope with his own really stressful job. All I can do is be there when I’m asked, do whatever I’m asked to do and try to ignore the constant background criticism. I have a wonderful relationship with all three children for which I am extremely grateful, and on the face of it, a good relationship with my DiL, but I know different. To the original poster I would say just go along with whatever you can put up with, it’s worth it for the sake of the children.

DaisyAnne, I agree with all you say. Of course whatever the D-iL is going through does not need to have a label. I just thought "post-parturition mood" sounded far too medically technical for Gransnet.

I don't know about "plain old post natal depression" - why does it have to have a label. I'll suggest another. Mother-in-Law syndrome. I rather think she may have that. Of course her husband is not approachable. She and his children now come first.

What is the ‘all kinds of rubbish for no reason’, maybe you are seeing it as rubbish but it is not.

I would be wary of making off-the-cuff diagnoses - maybe try and talk to her when she is being difficult with you to try and get to the bottom of it. And absolutely do not talk with your son about it - you do not want him to become piggy-in-the-middle.

Good Grief! I had to look up "post-parturition mood". Do people not have plain old post natal depression any more? Your D-i-L obviously wants you to back off. If you are, (whether or not YOU think you are), causing her unhappiness, then for the sake of all the family back off. Leave them alone for a while and let them know when they want to see you, then you will be about. However don't criticise the new Mother to your son or anyone else (including Gransnet)

I think you need to talk to her. It is exhausting having a baby and being a new Mum

My thoughts too, as my post illustrates .

Like so many posts on this forum, people are asked for ( and give) advice on a situation based on extremely limited, and one-sided, information. A ‘post parturition mood disorder’?
I wonder if Liberte has considered that she may have been a little overpowering in her ‘ doing all she could to help’? Or could the ‘ all kinds of rubbish for no reason’ perhaps be legitimate complaints? I think, based on the limited information, I’d be looking at my own behaviour before saying that ‘something wrong emotionally or mentally’ was the only explanation.
If you really are only concerned with restoring your relationship and ensuring future involvement in your grandchild’s life, then I’d suggest you have a good listen to what your daughter- in- law has to say, and do what you can to change your behaviour, rather than dismissing it as ‘rubbish’. You may feel that it goes against the grain, but it may be the only way you can salvage the relationship.

True, the young mother is not a cow but human mothers share with cows the extreme physicality of bearing and nurturing a baby.