Handling parenting styles of our 3 kids

Hi Chewbacca, it's ridiculous.
How do they learn what's right if they don't see examples within their own family?

I hear similar stories from my friends actually, and there does seem to be an overall reluctance for grandparents to say anything critical. However, instead of criticising the children, I think I would be inclined to have a serious word with the parents, not in front of the children, to remind them of what you expect and do not expect, and that overall you expect them to clean up after their own children and themselves for that matter.

You'd like to think so wouldn't you Baggytrazzas but apparently that's "restricting their activities" these days.

I'm exhausted just reading all this.

Why are we having to re educate the parents?

And why are there so many parents falling to respect their parents and their parents property? You'd think they would want to set a good example to their children, if nothing else.

CanadianNonna - you haven’t mentioned all the children’s ages, but the ones you have - 3 and 4.5 - are still pretty young. As I mentioned in a previous post, I have grandchildren who live in a different country and sound a bit like yours. I was tempted to try and lay down some rules, but in the end, decided not to. I’m sure the parents could sense our disapproval, but in the interests of family harmony, I didn’t say anything.

We couldn’t even have a Zoom call with them, as after a few minutes, there would be some kind of tantrum. Our son had to wait till they were in bed if he wanted to talk to us!

However, the children are now nearly 7 and 6 and their behaviour has improved considerably since last year’s visit. They never really wrecked the house, but parents would drag mattresses from one room to other, take every pillow they could find and bring food to bedroom for child to eat on floor. The tantrums were terrible - they continued to older age than most children, but only when parents were there as they always gave in!

About your husband’s hearing - my mother used to turn off her hearing aid when our children got too loud!

If you can have the families visit you at different times, it may be easier. A family get-together sounds nice in theory, but ends up very stressful for all.

Interesting, Madgran!

SueDonim

Chewbacca

That's because they were taught the basics from the start.
Agree with that 100% MissA, basics like please & thank you, respecting other people's belongings, no screaming and shouting in other people's homes, eating at the table and not wandering around with food, not touching or taking other's belongings without asking. Fairly basic good manners, taught from an early age. Fine if you're happy for none of that in your own home, but be prepared to be unwelcome in other's.

I wonder how these children behave when they go to nursery or school or anywhere else outside their own home?

Interestingly, my observations of young children in school is that is is pretty easy to identify the ones who have had those basics expected from an early age and those who have not!

Chewbacca

^That's because they were taught the basics from the start.^
Agree with that 100% MissA, basics like please & thank you, respecting other people's belongings, no screaming and shouting in other people's homes, eating at the table and not wandering around with food, not touching or taking other's belongings without asking. Fairly basic good manners, taught from an early age. Fine if you're happy for none of that in your own home, but be prepared to be unwelcome in other's.

I wonder how these children behave when they go to nursery or school or anywhere else outside their own home?

I definitely know how you feel, we’ve had one of our daughters and her three children living with us for the last three years, and my biggest regret about the whole thing is that I didn’t lay down some ground rules

They turned up, with only a warning text, we knew her circumstances were not good, and we were very pleased she was out of it, but having brought up three children, and just getting to the point of having the house how we wanted it, it wasn’t really what we wanted.

The difference of course is that this is their home, I need them to be happy, comfortable, loved and secure, and I can’t be nagging day and night, my daughter is the problem really, she’s messy and disorganised, her room is a tip, and she’s pretty laid back with the children.

She is a lovely girl, we all get on very well, but the constant mess, everything getting stained and grubby does get me down.

So yes, go for some ground rules, but don’t go overboard with them.

Fleurpepper

We have friends who tell us just how they are told, almost hour by hour- exactly what they have to do and how, sleep, food, snacks, potty, discipline and so much more. Lists written and oh hell will let lose if they don't follow to the letter - in their own home, looking after their grand-children for free, several days a week.

Sorry, but no from me. Guidelines, discussion, great. But not to THAT extent.

No not to that extent. There has to be SOME trust if happy for children to be looked after by someone else. Principles and very specific "rules" to give children consistency is fine, but pre- empting every possible scenario etc is not reasonable.

We have friends who tell us just how they are told, almost hour by hour- exactly what they have to do and how, sleep, food, snacks, potty, discipline and so much more. Lists written and oh hell will let lose if they don't follow to the letter - in their own home, looking after their grand-children for free, several days a week.

Sorry, but no from me. Guidelines, discussion, great. But not to THAT extent.

My older ones used to be quite erm spirited but always behaved at other peoples house. The worst thing one of them did at our own home was paint his bed in secret in white gloss paint

MissAdventure

Oooh come in, come in!
Lovely darling! A triple somersault off my sofa. Well done!!
An afternoon of rockclimbing?
That's right, climb right up to the top, nan doesn't mind.

Oh dear, am I too lax?

I am encouraging a future Olympian gymnast!
It's when she does a standing back flip near the fireplace I yell STOP

I think what you propose is unreasonable at all

Grannie's house, Grannie's rules' is fine if Grannie in charge. But when parents are there, Grannie isn't in charge.

When you're in Granny's house, Granny is in charge.

Oooh come in, come in!
Lovely darling! A triple somersault off my sofa. Well done!!
An afternoon of rockclimbing?
That's right, climb right up to the top, nan doesn't mind.

Chardy

'Grannie's house, Grannie's rules' is fine if Grannie in charge. But when parents are there, Grannie isn't in charge.

I see Dgd alone, with both parents, with mum alone, and with just dad. Each situation generates different behaviour.

That's fine but it is Granny's house they're trashing

You must be exhausted, CanadianNonna

The thought of having my lot all together for more than a day makes me feel exhausted, much as I love them all. I'd love fr it to be possible, though.

You do need a few Granny's Rules ie not dragging food all over the house - meals are at the table (or outside in good weather) etc.

I'm afraid that having young children from different families all together will result in a few differences of parenting styles.

BUT! It's your house, your home. Toys to be confined to one room otherwise they are a tripping hazard.

Buy a set of white plates and white mugs - anticipating and avoiding trouble is a good idea!

Tell your DH you need a holiday and to be pampered now.

I run the joint family business from my home, it’s on the coast and it’s a holiday business, when the family roll up I spend a couple of days with them and go to my sisters, they have the run of the place, I don’t get to witness any crimes and by the time I return it’s all been cleared up, spend another day and it’s good bye until the next time. Works really well. What I don’t know about I can’t break my heart over.

That's because they were taught the basics from the start.
Agree with that 100% MissA, basics like please & thank you, respecting other people's belongings, no screaming and shouting in other people's homes, eating at the table and not wandering around with food, not touching or taking other's belongings without asking. Fairly basic good manners, taught from an early age. Fine if you're happy for none of that in your own home, but be prepared to be unwelcome in other's.

I'm not sure why anyone thinks it is ok to visit another home and not behave. The adults need to know what the rules are, and must take responsibility for ensuring their children adhere to these. As for making beds and getting in a cleaner afterwards - I would expect the parents to be cleaning bathrooms, making beds and generally tidying up each day, including stripping beds ( if that's what you would like) before they go home. Otherwise, they should be prepared to go to a hotel where these tasks will be done for them.

I do think it is easier dealing with the children when their parents aren't there too.

My boys have never had the slightest difficulty working out how to behave how far they can push things wherever they are staying.

That's because they were taught the basics from the start.

Sorry OP - your dh should manage his issue with hearing instead of transferring his limitations to guests

I disagree. He's already managing his hearing issue by using high spec hearing aids. It's a far better solution for everyone if the parents of these children manage the issues of screaming tantrums and meltdowns, causing damage to someone else's home and creating such a stressful and miserable experience for the homeowners that they'd rather they didn't stay again. Poor parenting is no one else's responsibility to manage except the parents. Not expecting your kids to restrict their activities to make me more comfortable is fine in your home; not so fine when your a guest in someone else's.

children from divorced families follow different sets of rules

the rules in our case are for the PARENTS to supervise their kids
we would discuss over a zoom call never email

i other parents of small kids their age do these things all the time and have bites here no problem

i think i’d we discuss and explain and keep it simple it’s not a lot and if it’s then i guess they won’t come

I don't think that asking your AC to control their children when in your home is restricting their activities. CanadianNonna's H being impacted by children screaming and crying should of course be bought to the parents attention.

IMO that's a diplomatic way of entering into the conversation CanadianNonna. I hope you can get things sorted so the next time they visit it's a much more relaxed and enjoyable occasion.

by insecure i mean they exhibit anxiety when mom is not in site. at dinner the 3 and 4.5 fight over who sits in her lap and then step son yells at them. not the kids fault. and the do need to learn to behave in public as next april we are all going to an all inclusive resort but we have our own rooms. i’m not talking about the occasional meltdown - it’s non stop over everything - no boundaries and they never say no. it’s the parents but we can’t fix that but if the parents can’t follow some basic rules that respect our space then i’d rather they not come.