Granddaughter showing preference for other grandmother and ignoring me

Hang in their Flora when the other Gran goes home you will be there to pick up the pieces.

I do find it sad when you are obviously asking for support and advice some contributors here make unkind remarks, not helpful at all. ?

I can remember as a child my Ozzie great uncle came to the U.K. and I was besotted with him and can remember saying ‘do you love me more than your other grandchildren’. I know he explained we were all special to him.

Best of luck.

FloraRose, I stopped reading after a few posts. You've received some good advice and quite a bit of snotty comments. I didn't see anything in your comments that made you sound like a crazed, obsessive or entitled grandmother. I saw the remarks of a grandmother who has bonded very well with her granddaughter and who has spent a lot of time with her, much of it taking care of her. You've obviously been generous. It's not unreasonable to expect some appreciation from your granddaughter. Of course, it's better if you don't make a thing of it, but you already know that. You're just looking for a little sympathy. GNet is not always the best place to go to for sympathy. It depends on the day and who's watching. I have wonderful grandchildren, and I love them, and they love me. However, I have had my feelings hurt by them on occasion, so I understand. I'm sorry people felt compelled to tell you that she's not your girl. That sounds like someone who doesn't have any relatives at all, frankly. I knew what you meant, and she is your girl in a way. Good luck and feel better soon.

Get over yourself Your GD is not "your girl" You sound like a nightmare Can you not be happy that your GD is having a lovely time with her other Gran If you've made your feelings obvious then don't be surprised if she distances herself further which given her age would not be unusual

OP has not returned, surprise surprise.

The ‘other’ GM has been so far away for so long it is not surprising DGD wants to make up for lost time. Think how much time you have had, and will have again when Aussie GM goes back

I know it must seem hard to have to stand back and watch your gd with her other gran. But imagine how the other gran feels knowing you are there with her all the time . And shes half a world away . Its tough but if you get too jealous you might alienate your "girl". And things won't be the same again .

I have a grandson (and maybe others !) whom I have never met and never will (his mother, my daughter, decided she wanted, for reasons unknown ! to cut me out of her life altogether !) so at least you DO have access to your gc's and have been part of their lives...........maybe they will move away a bit now they are teenagers ...who knows, in future you may become close again ! By the way, the OTHER grandma was on FB holding up a photo of a book my daughter had written, with the caption 'This is my daughter in law's book !) I e mailed her BUT there was no answer ! she has obviously poisoned me with everyone ....wish I knew why ! I send cards etc as I discovered her address .........but no contact now for coming up to 16 years......her life, so I have to accept that , sad as it is !

smoothie

Where Flora said she doesn’t know what’s happening to her girl, I knew the moment that I read it that there would be comments picking that sentence apart. So, as that sentence has already been put under the microscope I’ll give my two cents and hopefully someone will hesitate from derailing this thread into another episode of ‘let’s assume the absolute worst of the original poster and then criticize them for it’.

Coming at this from a reasonable standpoint, Flora clearly said “my girl” as a term of endearment, as her dilemma has to do with the striking difference that she sees in her granddaughter, her granddaughter suddenly behaving in a way that is far from her normal, so there is “her girl” that she knew very well and now there is what appears to be another girl in her place who acts much differently than before. Hence Flora saying she doesn’t know what’s happening to her granddaughter. Of course, the change in behavior is completely normal as the girl wants to make the most of the limited time she has with this particular grandmother.

The unreasonable way to interpret the quoted sentence, the way that scolds Flora for her innocent choice of words to total strangers on the internet (and therefore comes with no baggage or existing hard feelings to give rise to the offense that an unreasonable people will experience after reading it), so the way that has already happened in this thread and will continue on I’m sure, assumes that Flora (or anyone else who says anything like “my [insert person]”) meant with 100% certainty that her granddaughter is HER girl and not anyone else’s girl, and definitely not the other grandmothers girl, that Freda is the sole rightful owner of her granddaughter and therefore no one else can have her. This manner of interpretation also comes along with years of off-putting rigidity, cold and calculated critics, and silently mouthed behind-the-back apologies on behalf of their loved ones for having to expose others to such a lovely person. .

Not every bit of phrasing needs to be dissected as if an alien would upon its strict by-the-letter understanding of the English language; ie without any nuance whatsoever.

Flora, I’m sorry you’re hurting. No need to worry though as she is still the girl you know her to be, and it’s good for her to connect with her other grandmother. It’s her trying to fit all the fun times she has with you year round into a small two month period with the grandmother she doesn’t get to see much. Be happy for her and most importantly support her, ask her how seeing her long distance grandma was, what was her favorite part of the visit, etc. She will be very thankful for it.

And remember, “This too shall pass”.

Bravo......I took it as a term of endearment too. Maybe a lot of people don't do terms of endearment.

Well-said, smoothie!

You should be happy that she has taken to the visiting grandmother. Surely they don’t get time together and as it’s a visit she will be going home. Of course she is cheery she is seeing her family that you get to to spend time with regularly. You are being possessive by the sounds of your post. I don’t mean to sound negative, but you should give them space and take time to pamper yourself or meet friends ect …

Only another six years and she may be off to Australia (or elsewhere) on a gap year.

If you are a cheery person as you describe the other Grandma then she will stay close to you wherever she is. If you're possessive and clingy then she may not.

I can imagine this hurts. For me it’s the other way around and granny gets left out, while Nanny (me) is the best thing since sliced bread. I am very aware of it and I try to big up granny and encourage my grandkids to be very positive about her and toward her.
Don’t buy into the who loves who more thing, be glad she has a loving relationship with her other grandmother and that she knows that she is loved. After all it's your granddaughters feeling that matter most here, I would say.

I would not focus on it, or try to compete I would just be myself. I would be genuinely lovely to the other grandmother; I would be there for my granddaughter maybe spend some alone time with her if appropriate. Above all be there for her when her grandmother goes back to Australia maybe suggest you both go and buy grandma a card or a gift and send it to her.

For your granddaughter's sake, be grateful that she is able to develop a relationship with another loving grandparent. No child can have too many. Many are denied the experience

Stop being a drama grandma, her other grandmother came for a 2 month stay all the way from Australia, of course she would be more interesting than you are, after all your granddaughter sees you all the time and will continue to do so until she is old enough to travel to Australia and visit her other grandmother. She is 12 old enough to make her own choices.

I think you need to leave them to it, don’t trail on behind feeling sorry for yourself, go an do your own thing for a few more weeks, and let them have a lovely time together

She will be back.

Nanz. when you see them go and link arms with the other grand mother

Our just leave them alone to enjoy each other’s company as it’s not for long and….frankly stop being so childish

Madgran77

*Flora Rose has trusted us with her private feelings. Therefore it's wrong to scold*
Not scold I agree. But gentle kind pointing out of other perspectives can help in processing feelings. .

yes, surely that was the whole point of the OP.

We get on really well with both of my grandkids other grandparents and are often out together. Sometimes they are all over the other grandparents, sometimes all over us Just the way it is. I have no doubt at all when our little tweenies get a bit older we won't even feature in their thoughts and am ok with that. Never a competition about who their preferences lie with more about being there for them. and loving them. In this case I too think its a phase. Your grandaughter will be loving the extra attention. As for the phone calls, have you rang her ? If not then the odd call, random photo or emoji might just do the trick.
Try not to upset yourself. I have grown kids who cast me aside sometimes..but the door is always open.

I’ve got two twelve year old granddaughters, I love them to bits, and love that they are best friends as well as cousins.

But I’m under no illusions, I know that they love me, but they also know I’m a soft touch, I heard one say to the other the other day, why don’t we ask granny, she’ll buy us anything, the other was a bit sceptical about ‘anything’ but the point is, twelve tear old girls are very materialistic, and if the other granny is going to be spoiling her rotten, she’s not going to say no thanks.

But let them both enjoy their time together, take a step back, don’t keep pushing yourself in and give them some space

She’ll come back

I can absolutely understand how you feel, but please remember that children don't have the emotional subtleties of grown ups (some grown ups at least!) Your dear GD is showing love and affection to a Granny that she will hardly ever see, for a very short time, and she has the security of knowing that you are there, as always, loved and loving, albeit in the background at the moment. When the Autralian Granny goes home - missing her GD probably as soon as she leaves the house - life will surely return to normal, and that thoughtful child will turn her attention back to to you.

I totally agree with this kinder comment. I've noticed on Gransnet that those who show emotional vulnerability get slammed, which I think is horrible and is a nasty trend on social media generally. Thought our generation might be better, but clearly we are not! I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, Flora, it must be so rejecting, and clearly you have a great emotional investment in your GD - and thereby hangs a tale. Children and grandchildren (especially these days) seem to have a sense of entitlement. Maybe this is because we've given them so much. Your GD sees you as someone who's always there, that she can rely on, whose caring for her is safe, and in a way it's a back-handed tribute to you that she feels she can ignore you! She knows you'll always be there! Obviously you would like her to phone YOU on the iPhone you bought, that's understandable, but of course you're there all the time and so you're not so exciting! That will change, and as she goes through life (a life in which she will inevitably draw further away from you) you will be a wonderful influence, a warmth that remains within her. HOWEVER, I do sense that you perhaps have too much invested in this girl, emotionally. You say you're a widow, and I expect you're lonely? Get out there and meet people, get close to friends (and even, dare I say, date?) and become deeply involved with people of your own age, outside the family, who will hopefully give you something back! It's hopeless to look to children and grandchildren for emotional fulfilment, for they so often disappoint (been there...) Try to feel happy that your girl feels free to ignore you - how she must trust you! The other granny will go back to Oz and things will go back to normal, but meanwhile PLEASE don't exert any emotional pressure, however hard this seems. Hope this soon works out!

Flora Rose has trusted us with her private feelings. Therefore it's wrong to scold
Not scold I agree. But gentle kind pointing out of other perspectives can help in processing feelings. .

I am not referring to you Grandtante. Your reply is helpful.

Flora Rose has trusted us with her private feelings. Therefore it's wrong to scold .

There is no place for scolding when it happens on Gransnet , as frequently it does, that someone who is in emotional pain for whatever reason, seeks advice or help.

Please do try to see that this is quite natural, especially if this is the first time your granddaughter can remember a visit from her other grandmother.

As others have said, there is a good chance of your and your granddaughter's relationship getting back to something like its old footing as long as you manage to conceal your hurt.

On the other hand, a girl of 12 is reaching the stage where she will naturally start to move away from family and other adults who have known her and whom she has known all her life, so you would be wise to accept that things are going to change.

Being widowed does make one emotionally fragile, especially if you only recently have lost your husband.

Try to make new friends and take up some new interests to lessen your loneliness - you neither can, nor should, expect your daughters and granddaughters to supply all your emotional needs.

I apologise if this comes over as unsympathetic - it is most assuredly not meant to, as I do understand why you are hurt, but I would hate to think you are storing up more hurt for yourself by taking a natural development of new interests in a 12 year old girl too much to heart.