Giving up Childcare

'of' not 'off'

Your son and DIL sound particularly difficult and selfish but the young often don't have a clue about the desire to get on with life as we age. Don't change your mind but equally I wouldn't discuss it further either.

Blondiescot

I totally understand where you are coming from. We have to look after our grandson much of the week because his parents work on a shift rota, which includes nightshifts. This means there is no alternative as far as childcare is concerned. Thankfully, he has just started primary school - but you can't get a childminder who can cope with very early morning starts or late finishes, never mind night shifts. It means we can't really go off on holidays or away unless they are on leave, which is quite restricting and frustrating at times.

That would be the perfect scenario to have an Au Pair to cover at least night care and some days. You have a life to enjoy apart from your Grandchild- holidays to be had, and some leisure for yourselves. And do some of the childcare.

Too much is expected of grand-parents these days- it is ridiculous.

Sadly not an option.

Blondiescot

I totally understand where you are coming from. We have to look after our grandson much of the week because his parents work on a shift rota, which includes nightshifts. This means there is no alternative as far as childcare is concerned. Thankfully, he has just started primary school - but you can't get a childminder who can cope with very early morning starts or late finishes, never mind night shifts. It means we can't really go off on holidays or away unless they are on leave, which is quite restricting and frustrating at times.

You actually do have a choice. You can say no. One parent can choose to work a job that doesn't require night shift, that fits better with their family needs. They can pay someone to stay overnight with the children. People who have children are responsible for organising the care of those children without obligation on anyone else. If you want to do it, fine. If you find it restricting and frustrating, set limits on it or say no.

Blondiescot

Sadly not an option.

Of course it's an option. They need to think about what they would do if you were incapacitated or not here, then do that.

Edge has left the building ?

Nah, she will be back

Mandrake

Blondiescot

Sadly not an option.

Of course it's an option. They need to think about what they would do if you were incapacitated or not here, then do that.

It's not an option, you know nothing of our circumstances, but this thread wasn't about me in the first place, so let's leave it there.

Thanks for all your advice and comments which has made me feel a whole lot better.

As grandparents we love our GC but we also have to do what we want to do and enjoy what years we have left on this planet. Sometimes I wish our AC would realise this.

OP

Wishing something is not a plan.

They may well do one day Edge when they become GP's themselves.

How many of us counted on our parents for childcare? I expect very few. I certainly did not, and don't know anyone of my generation who did.

So where does that idea come from, that GPs are somehow duty bound to do not just a bit, but often all the childcare- and without any money, not even help for food or petrol?

Where?

Fleurpepper

How many of us counted on our parents for childcare? I expect very few. I certainly did not, and don't know anyone of my generation who did.

So where does that idea come from, that GPs are somehow duty bound to do not just a bit, but often all the childcare- and without any money, not even help for food or petrol?

Where?

We did not.

And we don't do childcare either.

Exactly. We are very happy to do emergency childcare at very short notice if required and help during school holidays. But day to day childcare, no- why should any of us be put under pressure to do so and worse, be manipulated with emotional blackmail. It's just so wrong.

It may be wrong in your eyes, but for some people, there is no alternative. You've no idea of any particular family's individual circumstances. We had to have our grandson living with us for almost two years - we had no choice in that matter. He would have gone into care otherwise.

Sounds like the parents have gone into panic mode as in what on earth are we going to do now if granny is going awol? I'm sure it will all sort its self out in time, problems usually do. I do hope so.

Blondiescot

It may be wrong in your eyes, but for some people, there is no alternative. You've no idea of any particular family's individual circumstances. We had to have our grandson living with us for almost two years - we had no choice in that matter. He would have gone into care otherwise.

There must be some very special and rare circumstances here, and not a 'normal' situation at all, so I am very sorry. Very different from OP's case.

In most cases, there are alternatives.

Blondiescot

It may be wrong in your eyes, but for some people, there is no alternative. You've no idea of any particular family's individual circumstances. We had to have our grandson living with us for almost two years - we had no choice in that matter. He would have gone into care otherwise.

I understand as I am in a similar position. I'm caring for someone, will be for a long time yet, and never saw myself in this situation. I feel like I don't have a choice - but the truth is, I do. I just don't like the options available and don't want for the child to be put into care.

Mandrake It's hard, isn't it? All we can do is try our best to help.

Blondiescot

Mandrake It's hard, isn't it? All we can do is try our best to help.

Yes. I understand feeling like it's not a choice, because I feel the same way. There is a choice, though. I just find the alternative unacceptable at this point in time. For me, there is no choice to be made.

Blondiescot

I totally understand where you are coming from. We have to look after our grandson much of the week because his parents work on a shift rota, which includes nightshifts. This means there is no alternative as far as childcare is concerned. Thankfully, he has just started primary school - but you can't get a childminder who can cope with very early morning starts or late finishes, never mind night shifts. It means we can't really go off on holidays or away unless they are on leave, which is quite restricting and frustrating at times.

If you want to go off on holiday - then you should!! The childcare issues are for the parents to sort out. We have filled in when the other grandparents have gone off on holiday and they have done the same in return. Going on holiday 'off-peak' is one of the few benefits we can take advantage of now that we are retired.

swampy1961

Blondiescot

I totally understand where you are coming from. We have to look after our grandson much of the week because his parents work on a shift rota, which includes nightshifts. This means there is no alternative as far as childcare is concerned. Thankfully, he has just started primary school - but you can't get a childminder who can cope with very early morning starts or late finishes, never mind night shifts. It means we can't really go off on holidays or away unless they are on leave, which is quite restricting and frustrating at times.

If you want to go off on holiday - then you should!! The childcare issues are for the parents to sort out. We have filled in when the other grandparents have gone off on holiday and they have done the same in return. Going on holiday 'off-peak' is one of the few benefits we can take advantage of now that we are retired.

Easier said than done when there is literally no alternative to us looking after him!

Blondiescot

swampy1961

Blondiescot

I totally understand where you are coming from. We have to look after our grandson much of the week because his parents work on a shift rota, which includes nightshifts. This means there is no alternative as far as childcare is concerned. Thankfully, he has just started primary school - but you can't get a childminder who can cope with very early morning starts or late finishes, never mind night shifts. It means we can't really go off on holidays or away unless they are on leave, which is quite restricting and frustrating at times.

If you want to go off on holiday - then you should!! The childcare issues are for the parents to sort out. We have filled in when the other grandparents have gone off on holiday and they have done the same in return. Going on holiday 'off-peak' is one of the few benefits we can take advantage of now that we are retired.

Easier said than done when there is literally no alternative to us looking after him!

There is an alternative - your GS is the responsibility of the parents and you are being taken advantage of and then guilt- tripped into feeling responsible for their lack of foresight and planning for childcare.
If they used a reputable childminder - they would not be allowed to get away with how they are treating you as the whole childcare issue would be put on a professional basis where they would be paying the appropriate fees.
It is down to the parents to either work opposite shifts so that one of them is always available for their child and not force you into being the only option for childcare.
Flippantly speaking - I'd be saying if you are forcing us into childcare then the payoff is that they pay for four weeks holiday when they insist on you fitting with their agenda - the only proviso being you choose the luxury 5 star destination!!
My flippancy is masking the sheer annoyance I feel on your behalf!!

There's also respite care as an option for a short term break. It's not that there aren't options. It's just that sometimes the options aren't likeable so don't feel like an option. But there are always options. If we died tomorrow, those option we choose not to use would kick in. If we were incapacitated, another option would be found. I understand not feeling like there are options, I'm there myself, but the truth is that there are options. They might just not be something we want, so we feel stuck and think there is no other option.