Feeing left out

Dear Kavvy68, it’s an upsetting time for you, and there are many points of view and some helpful comments on this thread. In our case, it is our son in law’s mother who does most baby-sitting although living much further away from the young family than we do.

I am the stepmother of wonderful adult children, and sadly their mother died when they were young teenagers, I met their father a year later and we married, I have a warm relationship with all three children.

The only person who has ever been unpleasant to me from the extended family, has been the mother of my youngest son in law. She is determined to be the ‘premier’ granny (!) and has been quite toxic and utterly insistent in her wish to always babysit for my (step) daughters three children. My step-d and SiL give in, because they have recognised her manipulative ways. She can also be very kind and generous. She has ‘bad-mouthed’ me to our grand children on several occasions, in a passive aggressive way. I’ve shed many tears but I just keep going and babysit on the times she can’t!

You will have many wonderful times with your grandchild, and my advice is to stay calm, and don’t get upset by other people’s behaviour. Don’t fall out with anyone, ignore any slights, real or imagined, and lovely times with your grandchild will come. 🌷

I totally understand how you feel. My kids are on a vacation and maternal grandma and sister have been staying with our 15 month old for the duration. Grandpa and I are "allowed" to come over. At first, I saw it as lack of trust from DIL. I told myself I'm a Mom, I know how to take care of a child. How is my grandson going to get to know me? I was not very happy. The long and short is now I spend two afternoons a week with him and they get the "joy" of changing diapers, etc. And - he won't remember this time. Now when he's more aware ....

I sympathise with you completely, although my situation is slightly different, I am the maternal granny and live 150 miles away, the paternal nanna is on the doorstep.

A friend said to me, he had a doorstep nan and a distance granny. Doorstep nan was involved in his upbringing which included discipline. He always looked forward to seeing his distance granny as she was special, had treats and never told him off!

My grandchildren are older now, 16 and 12, rarely seeing doorstep nan, and even then only for an hour at a time a few days a month, as they have busy lives themselves, however I get to see them for a good few days, when I go to stay or they come to stay with my other daughter & SiL (their much loved auntie and uncle) who live a couple of miles from me. Set up a family WhatsApp group to exchange videos and photos plus a WhatsApp with just your daughter so you can both check-in regularly, even it's a one-liner.

On another note, I have always been asked by youngest daughter to help with their dog if they are stuck at work etc, now my SiL’s parents are buying a house just 4 doors down from them and I just know they will be called upon for dog care!! 😳

It's never going to be equal, though is it? Because DIL is an adult, a grown woman with her own relationships especially with her own mom.

All that's posted time and time again is wanting the baby. Not once has OP mentioned the relationship with her DIL.

The maternal nan will also want to see and spend time with her daughter. If they have a close bond that will carry on after the baby is born.

If she saw her mom twice a week is she not allowed to now because it's one more visit than the paternal nan gets?

I wouldn't let her know how needy you feel. Some people thrive on pushing people away especially if they appear to need the closeness.
Leave them alone it's up to your son to pick up on what she is doing and he will. Then the call for grans help will come, but again don't be too quick to give it.
Let her see you have a life of your own.

I often wonder how the other GM feels Hattiehelgra. It would bother me if I thought the other GP's were missing out.

There's no reason why Kavvy shouldn't talk to her son about this grandtante. As has been pointed out, the child is her son's too so it's perfectly reasonable for her to discuss this with him. It wouldn't have to entail talking about her d.i.l. behind her back.

I was very lucky, neither daughter in law had a living/capable mother, there was just me - no grandads either. I did all the babysitting as all parents worked full time, collect from school, take to appointments, sleepovers, etc. Nine years with first grandchild and now nine years, again, with second grandchild. It is a double edged sword, wonderful to be such a big part of my grandchildren's lives, but hardly any of my own sociable life. You just have to take it as it comes.

I know that my GC see their other granny more than us, they go there regularly for lunch at the weekend but I just regards this as normal. We live a little closer now but used to live more than two hours away and my lovely DIL has always made a point of inviting us or coming to see us every few weeks.
I'm always on hand if they need babysitting, we looked after the girls for almost a week when their parents went on holiday and DIL's mum was working.
Your DIL is bound to be closer to her mother than to you, it's just how things are if they have a good bond. No point resenting it.

I understand how you must be feeling, I would be the same if any ‘future’ grandchildren come along, especially if you live locally to your grandchild. I’m sure in time you will, be patient.
My son immigrated to Canada so when I ever become a grandma, there will not be alot of opportunity to see. my sons in-laws live locally to them, of course my opportunity will come when they visit England or I go to Canada. There is video calling so I would always keep up to date. I’m already prepared for a day when they tell me when expecting a little un, knowing full well the other ‘grandparents’ will have all the involvement. Good luck

Congratulations on your grandchild, Kaavy.

I fully understand why you feel left out and hurt, but unfortunately this is apparently the way young mothers behave these days.

I find it rude and thoughtless and that they have only themselves to blame if their relationship with their MIL suffers irreparable damage.

That said, my advice to you is: grin and bear it.

DO NOT discuss this with your son behind his wife's back! If your son is any good at all as a husband, which I assume he is, he will only have one option and that is to tear a strip off you.

You have offered to baby-sit and right now your offer hasn't been taken up. Step back and wait a while.

I know it is hard, but by expressing your hurt to either your son or your daughter-in-law right now, you run a very real risk of starting a family feud, so complain all you want to us, but tread carefully with the new parents.

Nearer Christmas you have the perfect opportunity to ask whether they will be staying at home all the time, or whether they would consider coming to you for a short visit on Boxing Day or the day after?

But make it clear you are not inviting a whole host of guests, only the three of them. All new parents are scared of germs and so on if they are even willing to take Baby out.

This happens with so many paternal grandparents - it did to me. The biggest hurt was the other grandma constantly posting on facebook the lovely time she had with the little one. I really felt she was rubbing our nose in it. I never Liked or commented and in time just thought "oh get on with it".

I don't think you should speak to your son about your feelings as it might cause discussion/arguments between him and his wife.
As others have said it's early days and upsetting for you as it is you have to suck it up and not show these feelings. Offer to help son and DIL with meals etc anything you can think of rather than just asking to see new grandchild. Show support and be there for all three of them. Difficult I know but may well be a good way forward.

I feel for the OP so much. A new grandchild, whether it’s son or daughter is such a precious special thing and I’m afraid I think both grannies should get equal time and the same opportunity to bond with their previous new grandchild

This thread is off the rails. Why? Because people have silly expectations of what's owed to them by the spouse of their child. This is on the son.

Mum's understand (most have has babies) - their daughter has just been through hell, it takes a while to recover and get back on track.

Hopefully son understands too.

Do mil expect to go to their sil surgical procedures? Or does mil cut him some slack after a major medical event?

Bippity, some valid points, but too acerbic.

OP, wait, I bet you get a turn soon.

You might get it a bit more if you'd gone through my DiL's experience with number 2 baby Lucca. Baby was oxygen deprived at birth, all seemed well for a day, I was up there with Ex, we went in to see her and she was in a total panic as baby had been taken away to be cared for and she had been told virtually nothing and not allowed to see baby. I hugged her but she was overwhelmed with anxiety. I did insist on seeing baby who was peaceful in oxygen tank and reported back, but all DiL wanted was mum, mum embraced her and she needed to cry her heart out.

I guess L the baby who is now very disabled at age 8 changed the dynamics as DiL had previously been totally in control text book coping capable mum (which I wasn't!)

DS was totally in pieces at home, he too wanted DiL's mum and dad to take over for a bit.

We have to accept things that come along ...

Lucca

I just don’t get these women who have to have their mother around all the time…..even in the delivery room !

And why do they get their own way while the OH has to just accept it and get stuck in the middle ?

What don't you get Lucca?
I was there when GD 1 and DD 2 were born....my DD wanted me there.....I wasn't there when GD3 was born ....my sons exS DM was with her....then i met new baby that evening ......I spend a lot more time with my DDs girls .....because my DD is a real homebody......even before the girls arrived....I see GD3 twice a week....she sees her other Granny every day ....it doesn't mean I'm any less of a Granny .....or any more of one with the other 2 🤷‍♀️

Yes Bibbity that's why I said your post @ 17.42 was such a brilliant summary. It summarises so well why estrangement is on the rise.

Don't know what you mean by the estrangement thread has been quite for a while. The estrangement forum is going strong as is the support thread in case you meant 'has been quiet for a while.

I don’t feel that way at all! I loved it when my three were little, it’s their turn to get on with parenting their own children and they certainly don’t owe me time with my grandchildren, cuddles, or opportunities to babysit, change babies’ nappies or take them out.

Newest grandchild is 8 weeks old, DD and her fiancé live two hours away from me but five minutes from his parents and siblings, who see them several times a week, and babysit when needed. I’ve seen the baby twice.

Their toddler spent one day a week with me before DD went on maternity leave again, maybe when she goes back to work next year she’ll want to leave them both with me. That’s fine, and it’s equally fine if she doesn’t. I love them, but I’m not possessive about them at all.

Other DD is a divorced professional with one primary aged child. They live a few villages away and DGC comes here for the odd day or sleepover during school holidays or if both parents have commitments. The other grandparents choose not to be involved. That is something I don’t understand.

DS lives abroad with his wife and toddler, Covid has meant not being able to meet DGC. But it won’t be forever.

Thank goodness for smartphones, instant sending of photos, and precious video calls! It would be harder waiting for the postman to bring news and pictures.

I meant that I have No idea why a 12 week old baby would require a babysitter overnight. Obviously I typed 12 months wrong.

Lathyrus

Of course her perspective matters in these posts. It’s her thread, after all. 🙂

We all know what a horrid feeling being left out is.

I still think, though, that the root of it is that she’s at work and only has one day free, so inevitably she won’t be as included as someone who has more free time. And they won’t always be able to accommodate her free day for a visit.
Maybe her free day clashes with something else the DIL wants to do -a new mums get together.

We don’t know enough to make judgements really.

This, all of this.

We have no needed information.

Kavvy68 I am the paternal nan and I know the maternal nana will see baby more but it feels like she asked to baby sit a lot and my daughter in law takes baby to see her every week I have one day off a week and they have never been round or have been asked to come and see baby also me and my husband have offered numerous times to baby sit I saw a post on Facebook last night that the other nana had my granddaughter over night

-What are the distances involved? (Son to you, son to pil)?

-How do you know dil does on her own, without your son, weekly with her mum? Did she see her mum weekly prior to the baby?

-Is this information from FB aka the devil?

-Why does it "feel" dil is asking mum to babysit? Fact or just a "feel"?

-Is your day off the same as Son's day off, so they can come round?

-The overnight babysitting - I have no idea how or why that could possibly happen with a 12 mo old baby, something is odd there.

-Was a medical emergency or funeral involved? (serious reason)

-Again, early days, this will level out given time.

There's no rush with GC - baby is here to stay.

Smileless2012

Of course the OP's perspective matters. She's one of the GM's. The child is her son's child for goodness sake.

Well done Bibbity, your post is a brilliant summary of what is sadly happening in too many families today.

Actually this thread is a brilliant summerary of why estrangement is on the rise.
But let's not think logically. The estrangement board has been quite for a while.

Of course her perspective matters in these posts. It’s her thread, after all. 🙂

We all know what a horrid feeling being left out is.

I still think, though, that the root of it is that she’s at work and only has one day free, so inevitably she won’t be as included as someone who has more free time. And they won’t always be able to accommodate her free day for a visit.
Maybe her free day clashes with something else the DIL wants to do -a new mums get together.

We don’t know enough to make judgements really.

Of course the OP's perspective matters. She's one of the GM's. The child is her son's child for goodness sake.

Well done Bibbity, your post is a brilliant summary of what is sadly happening in too many families today.

Lucca

I just don’t get these women who have to have their mother around all the time…..even in the delivery room !

And why do they get their own way while the OH has to just accept it and get stuck in the middle ?

Yes, I agree with you.