Should we ask for a contribution?

Hithere

Yes, everybody is has an opinion - entitled to express it?
Sure! But also the person receiving that opinion is entitled to have his/her own opinion and react accordingly

It goes both ways

Entitled to your own opinion doesn't mean it is appropriate or adequate for the situation

It goes both ways is precisely my point Hithere The daughter has expressed her feelings to her parents both in what she has said and done. The parents are equally entitled to express their feelings about that and their feelings were that they felt like pariahs!! They are entitled to say that, as entitled as their daughter is to say how she feels too!!

And feelings may not be appropriate or adequate on either side!! That does not cancel the right to express yhem ...going both ways ofcourse!

I'd never allow myself to be treated like a doormat - or taken advantage of, financially, by those better off. It's easy enough, though, to gradually slip into situations, over time - then suddenly wake up and smell the coffee. The most upsetting thing (to me) is the total lack of appreciation from the parents.

Yes, ask for a contribution to cover some costs. You could explain it by saying that you're worried about the cost of living, lately, so need to keep an eye on your finances (just to soften the blow).

As for being taken for granted, you are like the employee who's never absent - overlooked due to reliability. Try not being available for a week or so - then you might well be missed. You could, perhaps, have a 'nasty virus and fever' that you certainly won't risk passing on? You need to rest quietly at home for that!

The OP comes off as a martyr for actions she chose to do

In what way?

I have not been paid, and didn’t expect to be, for looking after my eldest grandchildren, (now 21 and 20) till they were 17 and 18. I did 2 days, the other GPs did 3 days. We gave them tea, baths etc and had them ready to be picked up by daughter or s.i.l. about 7. Though I was divorced, I wasn’t exactly short of money, so I did not mind one wee bit. Daughter appreciated and would often pick up groceries etc for me and the other GPs.
I think it all depends on the financial situation of all parties concerned.
Dorothy1 - I don’t think you should be treated like dirt. That’s not on. Just tell them how you feel and if it’s stretching your finances, make sure you let them know. We love our GC and I think our AC know it and use it.
My daughter can also be a cheeky and verbally aggressive, but I haven’t let that spoil my relationship with my GC - I adore them. I don’t see them as much now that they are in Uni. I also have much younger GC (sons’) - but I am now too old to look after them, other than the odd babysitting duties.
Have a heart to heart with your daughter and see what happens. She should understand . Good luck ..

Your later posts have shed a totally different light on the situation.

If your DD is in an abusive marriage then I do not think you can hope for her to respond normally to situations - you might have hoped for chat and thanks, but she is not able to give that; and she may feel uncomfortable with you because you have both discussed her OH and his shortcomings. Wives in this situation can be very defensive when asked to face up to reality.

If my DD were in this situation I would just carry on with all I could manage to do - I am sure she knows that you are providing some stability, and is likely to feel guilty about that. You are giving what she cannot because of her domestic circumstances.

I do about the same amount of child care as you do, although DH and I actually stay at our daughter's place for the three days per week , rather than coming and going.

I also drove my son's children to and from school for 8 years when he became a single father.

To me, the big difference in my situation and yours, is the attitude of the parents. My adult children have never taken us for granted, and in fact they often mention how grateful they are for the help we have given . Consequently we are very happy to keep going . When we stay overnight we always receive the royal treatment with nice meals and a very comfortable bed in our own "quarters".

In your situation, with both parties expressing disdain towards you, I'd back out of it completely, or at least tell them you can only do one day a week or whatever . Tell them you are feeling your age and won't be able to do it from xyz time, giving them a month or so warning.

I wouldn't ask for a financial contribution but I would be a lot less available. You can still be a huge part of your GC's lives without being so 100% involved as you currently are. You need your own breathing space!

Wondering if I should post this, but here goes - is OP enabling her daughter to stay in an abusive relationship?

This … I think you’re amazing, your grandchildren are very lucky and your daughter and husband are very ungrateful ! If you’re out of pocket speak to them and try and make an agreement you’re all happy with and as for them, they really should, at least once in the holidays, treat you all to a lovely relaxing day together !! Good luck 😊

Hi I’m sorry to read the threads It must be awful to be feeling stuck and i understand. I haven’t got GC [maybe one day] but I have experienced coercive control. My own family subjected me to it for years so I know how difficult it would be for your DD to leave him if she wanted to that is ? Tbh I think she would benefit from counselling and to go along with you together with you. Then perhaps with a third party person to help and listen and not judge your DD see how things truly are this would help your relationship too overall . I don’t think you should ask for money, but I do think your DD needs emotional support, which in my opinion should be sought from a professional. You sound a wonderful person who cannot bear to see your DD upset and I think she basically trapped so relies on you and your Hubby. In the long term going away for a week May help but not really, as the problem is so much deeper than just scaling help back in my opinion. Good luck , not sure if above helps. ❤️

When I say my own family I mean my parents , brother and sister. Just to clear .

I would tell them both that you and your husband need to discuss things with them.

That you are both feeling your age and are no longer up to the amount of child-care you have so willingly provide up to this point.

That you will be happy still to do some of it, as you both still love your grandchildren and want to see them regularly, but you will need to come to a new arrangement with their parents.

Then with the rising prices, due to inflation, you are now actually out-of-pocket and will need to ask them to contribute financially to their children's meals with you and to the cost of the petrol you use fetching and carrying the children.

Have a budget over your expenses in this respect worked out and to hand.

Before broaching the matter with them, you and our husband should work out what kind of time frame you are prepared to give them to make new arrangements. State it calmly and stick to it.

If they are offended, point out nicely what child-care costs if you send children to kindergarten, after school activities or employ a child-minder or nanny.

yes you should, they are taking the absolute piss

Perhaps they want you to do less. They might not want to.offend you and think it would be difficult for you to give up the children that seem to have become yours rather than theirs. Hence the weekend attitude. Just looking at it from a different perspective.

pandapatch

Wondering if I should post this, but here goes - is OP enabling her daughter to stay in an abusive relationship?

Probably, yes. And yet- what do you think she can do about it?
Withdraw support at this worst possible time?

What do you think the OP should do in such circumstances?

I have a friend who is an abusive relationship and I don't think she realises. I keep a dignified distance so she knows I am there for her without causing her any trouble. If it was my daughter, I would talk to her about it but not expect a resolution as it's far too complex isn't it?

Sounds like you are being taken for granted. Would it be possible to speak to your SIL or would that make more trouble for your D.

Having read both of the OPs posts I think you need to be there as much as you can manage to support your daughter, but you do need to have a conversation about what it’s costing you in terms of money. Write down a full list of expenses and tell your daughter that much as you want to help you can no longer afford the extra cost and you also need to cut back on the time as it’s affecting your health. Have a proper conversation, perhaps when SILis away if he makes things difficult. I do feel for you, it’s an appalling situation for you and your daughter but you have to broach it with her in a friendly loving way.

It's easy enough, though, to gradually slip into situations, over time - then suddenly wake up and smell the coffee

This is all too true. And even when you do smell the coffee its difficult to withdraw the services or support you have been providing because you are made to feel guilty.

This is where the physical "break clause" comes in. One poster suggested being ill. Several others (myself included) have advocated absenting yourself on a one or two week holiday or trip away. Preferably to an area where mobile phone contact is not so reliable so calls and texts can be kept to a minimum. Think how covid caused many people to re-appraise their relationships and employment conditions.

This will have several useful effects:-

It will allow the parents to appreciate just how much responsibility they have abdicated to you.

This, in turn, may force/encourage husband to take on more of the responsibility of parenting

It will also enable them to see how much extra in petrol and other costs the ferrying around of children is costing.

It will provide you with an opportunity to re-negotiate the entre relationship when you return in respect of costs/time/physical effort.

I'm really sorry, I had missed the second post Dorothy. I think you are doing the right thing

You definitely need to ask for a proper sit down converstion with your daughter and son in law so you can explain exactly how you feel. If they don't know they can't help sort this out and it certainly needs sorting out.

Too often these situations can arise out of habit such as their habit on relying on you and your own habit of just going along with it.

Good Luck.

Agree with suggestions to have a serious chat with your own daughter! She sounds as if there are issues affecting them that you don't know and they're not telling you anytime soon. You know your child(!) Best so the best received approach and naked honesty is a. It's, if you're to maybe offer good advice if asked or her feel she can trust you with sensitive info safely. If it turns out they're simply taking the whizz! Then personally I'd give her both barrels!! Hopefully it's at best 50/50 and nothing too fateful.good !uck and think of yourselves too in all this.

Sorry if I'm being a bit harsh. I think you should stop being a doormat for these ungrateful parents. If they can't say thank you, you are being taken for fools. If it was me I would stop it all now. They need to take responsibility for their own children and they won't learn to do that of you keep on doing it for them. Payment won't make up for that.

very hard situation, i dont think id ask for a contribution at this stage, but raise the subject of her ignoring you all evening thats terrible, after all you do for them, i'd want to know what the problem is.