Should we ask for a contribution?

Well yes you have said it yourself. Ask for a contribution.
What's stopping you?

I typed a long post and lost it!

It's a tricky one as you still want to see your grandchildren.
However, you are doing far too much for them.

What is your SIL doing while you and your DD are doing the running around?
Do they work long hours or shifts?

They need to step up to the mark and start by taking charge of the children's out of school activities themselves.

Have a talk but stay very calm and say you can help but not as much in future and you'd still love to have the children for a sleepover occasionally to give them a break.

They're taking you for granted and possibly your DD feels guilty because she realises it's too much for you.

I wouldn't mention money - I'd cut back on what you do.

Callistemon says it all.

Just hope it wasn't harsh 🙂

I wouldn't ask for contribution but cut back on what you do. It sounds as if you are bringing the GC up not their parents.
Your SIL is making the most of you being so generous with what you do. Your DD is too but knows this and she may be honestly embarrassed about it.
It needs to be discussed by you telling your DD and SIL enough is enough.
Go over what you do and what they should actually do no matter how busy they are. You need your time and own life.

I agree.

Say its all getting too much, "we are getting older now" and you need to cut back and discuss together beforehand what you will do.

It goes without saying you are being taken for granted but just one more idea occurred as a possibility.

So I'll float it tho it might not be the case at all.

My mum used to help out a friend by taking quite a bot of cafe of her little girl after school most nights. Mum and little girl got quite fond of each other. You can probably guess the rest. Little girl talked about how she had done this or that with my mum and..

.... friend actually got jealous. obviously my mum had more time to plan things and didn't have the responsibility.

DorothyL you obviously do have a lot of responsibility but your DD's mixed reactions to you may have a bit of jealousy in?

It’s difficult after all this time. DH was paid for childcare from the start. Nothing like they would have paid a nursery, but a contribution towards feeding and petrol.
I’d probably do what Callistemon21 suggests and with regard to not doing as much in the future.
Hope it goes well for you.

When you find yourself in a situation where you feel that your generosity is being abused or taken for granted one of the most powerful ways of bringing this home is to physiically remove yourself for a period.

My advice would be to schedule a 1-2 week holiday just for yourselves. During the period you are not available the parents will realise to what a great extend they rely upon you.

When you return from said holiday announce that you have had a rethink about the situation. In particular the financial burden of providing these "services" vis a vis what it would cost for the parents to have to afford childminder etc.

As an exercise in how much money you are saving your daughter and son-in-law, first work out how many hours you have spent looking after the children during a recent day or week.
Include your travel time before and after.
Include 45p per mile travel costs.

I don't know what area you live in, but here you're looking at £5 per hour per child. Double after 7pm.
Parents provide all the children's food.

You're providing virtually full-time childcare for free.
No wonder they're well off and you're not 🤔

At the bare minimum they should be making sure you're not financially out of pocket.
Your time you may well choose to give for free, for love, but not all the cash expenses, not when it's such a regular commitment without which they could not earn their salaries.

I'm so sorry you're being abused in this way, especially as they don't even seem to appreciate you kindly ☹️

I agree with others that in your situation I wouldn't ask for a financial contribution. I would however cut down on what I was doing. There is nothing worse than giving a lot of support ...necessary support ...not just you pushing in to family time, and being treat like rubbish. I think the issue is more that you are being totally taken for granted than the money issue.
If you withdraw some of your help your DD and sil should soon see how much you do for them. It is hard I know but try seeing what not being so available will do. 💐

When I had my only child I was running my own business, dating agency, in the days before it became a thing. My family offered no help and in their defence lived far away. We tried a posh nursery and they were quite cruel so had au pairs and work experience nannies under my supervision. I am 71 and couldn’t possibly help my DIL with child care. Too tired. No idea if she wants children but she will be 34 tomorrow. I call her DIL but no wedding plans. She has a good job so I assume she could afford childcare.
You have done your very best. It must be exhausting.

If you aren't leaving your f2f home until 7 or 8on surely you should be at least be provided with lunch and dinner.
If you plan a break they will.probably expect you to take it at a time to suit them, if there even was a suitable time.
I agree with pp who suggested dd may feel a little jealous at the time the children enjoy with you. I
Yes, what is SIL doing?

It is time to stop this arrangement or be realistic with how much you want to do

I wouldn't ask for a contribution

8 years ago you were both a lot younger so childcare to a baby was feasible.
It's reasonable to stop or certainly do a Lot less & live your own life.

It's the relationship that would bother me the most. You say you are on the receiving end of hostility etc. I think you and your husband, daughter and son-in-law should talk this over when the children are in bed. Calmly ask if there is anything wrong because sometimes you both feel unwelcome, because they don't say thanks, they don't say goodbye when you leave and yet you have given them 8 years of free childcare.
Tell them you don't feel appreciated and how tired you get.
Perhaps arrange a time when you can stay for a chat.

I’m another one who wouldn’t mention money, that makes everything feel awkward.
We’ve been in a similar situation, and although I still do quite a bit, since our daughters circumstances have changed, I have pulled back.
I told her I would only do school runs in an emergency, same for evening clubs.
She was fine with it, she knows I would always be there if needed, but I still work, I’m getting older, and I simply don’t have the energy.
I just hope her changed circumstances don’t lead to more babies, because I don’t think I could go back to that again.

You are doing far too much. You mention work commitments and work in your post so I am presuming you both still work as well as providing childcare.
I am happy to help with childcare when required but I do one day a week and ad hoc pick ups and holiday time help. The rest of the time my daughter uses professional services.
She is your daughter can you not talk to her explaing how this is getting too much for you both.
Why are you staying in the evening can they not sort this out between them one looking after the children whilst one takes the other child to activities.

^ and because our daughter is put upon, overworked, and lonely.^

Both your lives and theirs need a big rethink.

I think this problem must be approached very carefully. You do not mention any other child, so I assume your DD is an only child and, as a result has been the main focus of you and you DH's life. She is used to you always being on call. This is at the heart of your relationship.

You need to disengage, but not find yourself in the same situation as some other parents, where a sudden withdrawal of help is seen by AC as a withdrawal of love.

My instinct is to do what you do gradually. Start to bring into ordinary conversation comments about feeling tired, that you have health worries and things like that. If they ask for something else , say you cannot manage it. Let them get the understanding that you are struggling, as you are, and cannot manage more.

Then in, say a month or more of this, suggest to your DD and SiL, that you need to re-assess how much care you can provide, and mention how inflation and rapid price rises over the last 18 months are making the cost of providing the care you do difficult fot you. Focus on petrol and travel costs.

I have every sympathy you both sound massively put upon, I just wouldn't ask for money it's a bit of a red line that could be blown up into a massive issue and used against you.

You need to speak to your daughter firstly and tell her how difficult fitting long sessions of child minding are in with work commitments. All the very best

Thank you everybody, you have given me sound advice and a lot to think about.
OK I can see that there’s general agreement we shouldn’t ask for money, and I take that on - I probably wouldn’t feel right doing so anyway.
Several people asked what SIL does. He works from home most days but works abroad sometimes for a week or two at a time. DD is alone this week and next, hence we stay later - when he’s home we usually leave by 5.30 or 6pm.
He works long hours and has zero involvement, whether home or not, in childcare or any other household responsibilities.
We think he is a coercive controller, but DD won’t hear a word said against him. We have had a tacit agreement for many years that we won’t discuss him with her, as she won’t have it.
If you know about coercive control, you may know that victims often staunchly defend their abusers and insist that they are happy and nothing is wrong. However we have seen our DD transformed from the person she was into a lonely, exhausted shadow of herself.
On professional advice we stand by her, and try to continue to give love and support. Mostly we succeed, but sometimes it is particularly hard, eg if SIL is behaving particularly badly, or when DD is in a terrible state, or when we are treated especially rudely, as happened yesterday.
The grandchildren depend on us. Though SIL is mostly home, DD is effectively a single parent in terms of his input (other than financial - he earns a good income).
Though DD does the overwhelming bulk of the work of childcare, we share this work to a regular extent, to ease her burden, support her against her abusive SIL, and to give our grandchildren the benefit of having other loving and supportive people in their lives, apart from their mum (she is a fantastic mum).
We couldn’t possibly back out of their lives, and have accepted that this is how our lives will be, until the grandkids are a bit older and more independent.
I know this might all seem wrong to people not dealing with coercive control in the family, but we’ve taken advice, and spoken to lots of survivors and experts. All of them support our decision to stand by DD and grandkids.
I don’t see a solution, but I do thank you for your helpful and thoughtful advice.
We won’t ask for money, but as @Cocopops advised, we will try to talk to DD today at least just about last night. I will ask her if something in particular was wrong, and was she aware of how she behaved to us, and could she please try to be aware that we need a bit of appreciation and not to feel unwelcome when helping out.
Thank you again everyone. I needed to share, and sharing has helped, and your thoughtful responses have made me feel calmer and less hopeless. 🙏🏼

Either you can’t afford it, or it’s too much commitment, have a 2 week holiday then cut childcare to 2 days a week. You are being taken for granted, reducing the hours will reduce the cost and stress.

dorothyL You really should have included your last post with your OP because it completely changes the situation. It sets a context for your situation.

I would reverse suggestions that you do not ask for money. You need to be present for your daughter, but you need to be up front about what it is costing you and ask for a subvention to help you meet the cost.

I understand your wish for family times without being ‘on duty’ Dorothy.
When our dds are struggling we want to help but you are doing a lot and what you do seems to be taken fir granted.
Hope you have a conversation with her today and from that decide if you need to pull back a bit. Be less available, have a holiday, look after yourselves.