Should we ask for a contribution?

Now eould be the ideal time to say that increased energy, fuel and food costs you can no longer bear the cost of DS’s children, and that you are finding it difficult to meet her demands. She’s treating you like doormats because you fear you will not see your GCs. That is emotional blackmail. Where is the husband f you are having to put DGS to bed and leave at 8.30? When do you have your meal, carry out chores at home. If you don’t say something now, you will become resentful and inevitably there will be a huge row and a potentially greater risk.

Have a conversation with them and explain how you feel. Grandchildren are lovely and treasured but you have a social life too. Good luck with it all as you sound like fabulous grandparents.

Dorothy,, you are doing far too much childcare. Having said that I fully understand your desire to protect your daughter and your GC. You are in a very difficult situation, especially as your daughter deny' s there is a problem - a very common reaction.
Please remember that if you are to continue to support your daughter you need to be as well and strong as possible. If you burn out that will have severe consequences for your daughter. Keep talking with her , try and cut back the child care - who knows if you withdraw some support this may prompt her to assess her relationship and open up to you. I wish you and your family well , but please do take care of yourself!! 💐💐

You are doing a brilliant job,creating long term memories for your grandchildren,I was in a similar situation years ago,but the closeness & love we still receive from our grandchildren warms my heart—— they catch your eye and you can just feel the love from them—— You must be as worn down as the parents I wish you the best of luck they are very lucky to have you both.

You say they are well off. Why do the parents not pay for some childcare and share the rest with you. Afterschool clubs, holiday clubs/activities. You need to cut back on your involvement at this stage hopefully enabling you to carry on albeit at a reduced level. Your DD brought to mind my life a bit without the controlling husband. I had full responsibility for children, DH worked erratic hours, was away a lot and I had no family to call upon for help. Has your DD told you she isn't coping and that's why you are doing so much or have you "grown" into the situation. Remember you will be no good to them at all if you don't care for yourself now.

You sound like very caring and supportive parents and grandparents. Your daughter must be feeling quite unhappy with her controlling husband and that would contribute to her behaviour towards you. She obviously needs your support but should also seek professional support. If it is possible, a heart to heart conversation may help but eventually she will need professional advice.

I would have a conversation about the cost of childcare and how much you have saved them over the years . Keep it lighthearted. I would also have to mention that as the years go on its not easy for you both and if they were to offer to treat you you certainly wouldn't refuse. Good luck.

Dear me - you have taken advice on coercive behaviour really! I wax myself in such a marriage but I never expected my parents to become dragged in the controlling behaviour.
Is your son in law ruling you all ?
One question I would certainly be asking is why is your daughter being so rude towards you (not saying goodbye, and and ignoring you) when you are basically giving up your lives for her.
I love my children nd and grandchildren too, but this just sounds dreadfully wrong in some ways.

Fleurpepper

pandapatch

Wondering if I should post this, but here goes - is OP enabling her daughter to stay in an abusive relationship?

Probably, yes. And yet- what do you think she can do about it?
Withdraw support at this worst possible time?

What do you think the OP should do in such circumstances?

I certainly don't think she should withdraw support and I don't claim to have the answers, especially without more information, but just carrying on isn't the answer for anyone.

Coercive control is absolutely awful (my daughter was in such a relationship), does the OP's daughter acknowledge she is in such a relationship? How do you know the son-in-law is an abuser? Have you talked to her about the situation? Is she getting professional help with this and with her depression?

If the daughter is actually in an abusive relationship I would work towards getting proper help with a view to leaving

This is so hard for you. You are clearly vital to your daughter’s and grandchildren’s well- being. You have an essential purpose in your lives. And yet you are feeling your increasing age and no wonder. Could you have a few breaks now and again? Maybe go away for a couple of days to a hotel? Maybe one of the Warner Classic ones with some friends? Gradually get your daughter used to a little less help now and again? Tell them when you are going so that they’ve time to make some arrangements- sounds as if the marriage isn’t all that secure. Coercive control is a tough call - do the other grandparents do anything? Love to you 😘

They had the children , need to take more responsibility, seems like they have taken you for granted far too long ... why should you be out of pocket ... if no joy , just say can't not afford to keep doing it & will have to find an alternative solution, or just look after them for 2 days & no more ... possibly upset them, but why put your life on hold ? They will get over it , need you more than you will need them, hard as it seems

I think, for what it's worth, that you should carry on doing what you're doing. Your DD has obviously got 'stuff' going on, and is clearly jealous of your relationship with her DC. She'll need you when she sees the light. Until then, you just have to be there x

My mum and stepfather used to drive me crazy when they used to come round 2 or 3 times a week to help with the kids. It was a way for them to deal with the difficulties and loneliness in their relationship. The kids used to go upstairs after school and I had to deal with the situation when I got home from work. Just ask yourself if you are doing this to be helpful or to fulfil your own needs

I feel upset on your behalf and can understand how anxious and sad you must be feeling.

We looked after our two young grandchildren full time for a year while their parents were living at our house and looking for a bigger property. That was around 8 years ago and we enjoyed it - but it was hard work. We continue to see them and have them to stay on a regular basis and, apart from a little thoughtlessness at times, we have never been treated in a rude and unfeeling way, and are always thanked for what we do.

If I were in your shoes, I too would be feeling very upset. You are running around, doing an awful lot for your grandchildren. Of course, like us, you love them and want to have a close relationship with them and also be of assistance to your daughter. But to make you feel unwelcome and uncomfortable in their home when you have spent so much of your time - and money - caring for their children is really unfair.

I think you need to speak to your daughter and say that you are feeling very upset about her off handedness - as if you had done something wrong - and that you are both doing your very best to help. It may be that she will open up to you if there are things going on that you are unaware of.

I am sorry - I did not read as far as your latest, longer post which seems to explain that the marriage is certainly not an ideal one - at least from your daughter's point of view. However, I think you must explain that her attitude towards you was hurtful.

One other thought is - is it possible that, apart from your son-in-law's general unpleasantness, there are significant matrimonial difficulties at the moment and that is why your daughter was so offhand? Sometimes when people are caught up in their own emotional problems, they lose sight of the fact that other people exist and have feelings too.

Eloethan
Yours is the most sensible reply...well said.

Does son-in-law have any parents?

I agree with much of what has been said by others. I’m so sorry you are in this position, so hurtful after all you have both done. I think your daughter’s reaction to you may be driven by how she is being ‘managed’ by her husband however, she could be full of resentment and not really intending to hurt you; maybe she’s hurting and this is how she’s managing it. But you definitely deserve better, and should try to let them know it’s becoming too much, you are getting older etc. It’s easier to tackle things as they happen of course, like challenging rudeness, but easier to let it slip to keep the peace. Maybe you should start throwing a wobble yourself and say you do not appreciate being ignored whilst helping the family. Hopefully that wouldn’t cause offence. Let us know how you get on. Good luck.