Does the maternal gran always have the advantage?

I don't think gender is related

It all depends on previous relationship with your son and dil, how expectations on both sides are aligned and agreed upon, etc

It also depends how much effort your son will put into including you into his nuclear family

My father was just happy with us visiting my paternal gm twice a year for a few hours - his call
He also only called his mother when my mother pestered him to do so

My daughter’s wonderful parents-in-law did far, far more for her and the children than I ever did. I was going through a separation/divorce, had a part-time job. There were two of them, both retired. So they saw more of the children, although I will say , the grandchildren (teenagers now) , are as close to me as they are to the paternal GPs.

I would have expected you to ask to pick up my baby - even if you were my mother or mother in law Cambsnan.

Only my husband and I picked up our babies without asking until they were old enough to demonstrate whether they wanted to be picked up or not.

Take the lead from the baby's parents and everything should be fine!

Never assume you can pick up someone else's baby!

My experience is of growing up living with my parents and my paternal grandparents, and only seeing my maternal grandparents once a week (usually for Sunday tea).
I was obviously much closer to my paternal grandparents.
My GS lives with his parents and maternal grandmother - 200 miles away from me, so I don't see him very often - and I just assumed that he would always be closer to her, and concentrated on building a relationship with him. He's a lovely teenager now and comes running in to hug me when he visits 😃
I think that proximity is the biggest factor - and that fretting about it will only make you unhappy. Enjoy your grandchildren when you see them. Good luck .!

NotSpaghetti

I would have expected you to ask to pick up my baby - even if you were my mother or mother in law Cambsnan.

Only my husband and I picked up our babies without asking until they were old enough to demonstrate whether they wanted to be picked up or not.

Take the lead from the baby's parents and everything should be fine!

Never assume you can pick up someone else's baby!

I agree, Notspaghetti. My mother would never have picked my babies up without asking, nor ‘gently correct’ bad behaviour if I was there.
And, once again, Cambsnan is not the baby’s grandmother.

It all depends on the relationship you have. My mum picked our boys up when they were babies without asking first. M.i.l. never did but both would correct bad behaviour if we were in their home.

Although I said above generally that paternal gransmums aren't as close as DiL mums it can make a difference if you live nearby. My DiL is very close to her mum always has been.

Like some other paternal grandmums I am aware that DiL will always have a bit of jealousy if I get too close to DS despite no attempts on my part to try and hang onto him in any way,

its just how things are - have picked up the message now and then

However if I lived close it would be different as popping by's including enjoying the children - no problem. Not a threat, as it were.

However even then there are particular circs which is that Granddaughter is so disabled it takes a special carer to be able to come in and baby sit, administer drugs, cope with potential epileptic fits etc.

Also reflecting on "expectations" and family histories. I had next to no input from grandmothers/fathers in my own growing up and neither did DH of the time. Saw that as normal.

So I didn't seek it out strongly for my own child and there were difficulties even had that been the case given what they were like (grandparent severe illness and distance, my mums obvs dislike of all her children husbands, except for my sis's husband who was a consultant none of them were ever good enough)

So my DS was not used to close family network - then he married into a family with very close family ties and DiL turned to them naturally and as the dominant partner emotionally made the running. .

It worked OK when I was able to go up and stay with them and one year for very close to the children but with CFS I cant do that atm. (very cramped, very noisy, have to sleep in through room etc. I wish they would come and see me, as they do DiL's parents - but DiL's parents have a spacious house and energy -

it's best to be realistic and have phone calls and WhatsApp's and keep up with them in that way for now. Over all message -yes I come second to DiL's parents but I accept that, and they have helped the family a great deal financially and for DiL support over disabled child, chat phone calls etc.

DS is nice and chatty on the phone - count blessings.

My two GC are my daughter and SILs children. I’m hugely involved in their lives as I provide lots of childcare (and I adore them all). Their paternal grandparents only really spend time with their daughter’s children, despite the mother living up the road. She rarely sees our two and I’m surprised that they know her (but they do). She’s always saying “oh I must see more of them, but I’m taken up with childcare for my daughter”. She’s puts pictures on Facebook of her daughter’s children and calls them her grandchildren (which they are) but never mentions her son’s little ones. His father lives a couple of hours away and also rarely bothers with them. I think they are a disgrace as our littles have noticed that their cousins go on holiday with them and see them often. Thankfully, my daughter and SIL know they at least have me, especially since we lost my dear husband. Shame on GPs treating their own GC differently depending whether their daughter bore them or their son fathered them. I really feel strongly about this, children don’t discriminate which side the GPs are on so why do the GPs?

I'm in a position where my daughter lives far away, but son lives close by. Both have 2 children. So I have more of a hands-on relationship with my son's children, plus his MIL lives far away. I can see where the relationship might be different if their maternal mother also lived close by.

Grandparent relationships need to be navigated with care and love, nourished but not allowing jealousy to seep in. I do my best to treat them all equally, even though the ones that live close by see more of us.

"Does the maternal gran always have the advantage?"

No.

Being pleasant, non argumentative, showing no opinions/ advice without being asked, going along to get along - count most.

Also, distance and ability to traverse distance without complaints.

The word advantage may indicate it is a competition between paternal and maternal grandparents

It is no competition all, different people different relationships

I am one a paternal grandmother ( have no daughters). Due to circumstances I seem to have had more care of my DGC than the maternal grandmothers. I am aware that this is not always the case.If I explained my family background I would be outed on here.
I am also a great grandmother to one of my granddaughters children, but do not see much of them.

I must be a reluctant grandmother, then, I suppose, and not naturally 'hands on' at all. Yes, they visit, they stay and I'll babysit on occasion.

The eldest GC lived here with me until he was ten (just due to daughter's circumstances at the time) so was rather like an extra child to me.

Still, I feel no urge to be overly involved or see them all the time. I wait to be asked, as I did the 'mothering' bit with my own kids and now I've moved on.

Dadima - I read The oldest boy is soon to be a father and I realise I have no experience of being on the paternal side of the baby. as if Cambsnan was talking about her son (in fact as her oldest son)
I have 3 daughters (two with children) and might in some situations talk about them as 3 daughters... but I also have 2 sons.
I read it thus- but by re-reading I can see why i could be wrong. Maybe Cambsnan will come back and clarify.

I did the 'mothering' bit with my own kids and now I've moved on.
Me too Hetty!
I love my grandchildren but they are not actually mine

It depends on the girl the son marries, that’s the conclusion I’ve come to. I had loads of access to my sons children, because he wouldn’t have had it any other way and my dil is lovely anyway. She was obviously closer to her mom and I understood that, never any competition from me. A lot of people I know have been deliberately excluded from their sons children because of his wife, I think a lot of dil feel threatened my mil because of the bond they have with their son, it’s ridiculous, partner would always take precedence and it’s not a competition. If you love someone why wouldn’t you want him happy? If I had a dil that was like that, I would just accept it as I wouldn’t want my son upset,I really don’t believe in interfering in my children’s life, you have to hope they will sort things out.

Our relationship is governed by distance My DDiL's mother lives nearby. We live 200 miles away, but we have never felt like second class citizens. DS & DDiL's children are the only grandchildren for both of us.

However DDiL's mother was over 70 when our first grandchild was born, while we are nearly 10 years younger, so that has limited the extent that she has helped and in recent years she has begun to drive much less.

When we visit we stay with DDiL's mother and in the early years she would not visit DGC, while we were there to enable us to make the most of our time with them. Now they are teenagers, that is less important.

In fact I would say that in this family we two grandmas are a well co-ordinated double act. DH is the only grandfather as DDiL's father died when she was very young, so has partner in grandfathership.

I'm a paternal grandparent but my son and DiL live 200 miles away. Her parents also live a similar distance away so none of us do very regular childcare. My daughter and I did have a weekend of childcare a few weeks before second grandchild was due so the parents could enjoy a weekend away. The other Granny has done a few occasions when my DiL needed to be away but usually DS has the flexibility to manage as he work from home some of the time and GS goes to nursery.
Fortunately we all get on well and I don't feel competitive. When second GC arrived the other grandparents stayed with our grandson while DiL was in hospital. I told her that I would be available if she needed me but that I realised she would probably rather have her own mum. Her mum still works while I'm retired, as is her dad, so we can usually come to a satisfactory arrangement between us. It is just hard being so far away.

NotSpaghetti

^I did the 'mothering' bit with my own kids and now I've moved on.^
Me too Hetty!
I love my grandchildren but they are not actually mine

Our daughters and granddaughters have moved house, have lovely husbands - they have their own lives, own families. Not mine.

Nobody is actually owned by another, nor jealous of other past relationships -- ridiculous thought of smothering needy mothers. Marriage is totally it's own relationship not dependent on his/her mum.

When my children were young, in some ways I felt very close to my MiL and would turn to her rather than my mother.

I loved my mother dearly, but we were on different wave lengths and she never really got the hang of how I thought,

When I had my children I did not feel a need to turn to my mother or MiL for help or advice. I preferredto talk to other mothers and my health visitor.

Well put Allsorts. You work with what you are given!

My mum was Great gran to my DS's three children. She held a very special place in their lives. The eldest was more involved with her when she was younger and more mobile. The two youngest still regarded her as special. She played complicated and incomprehensible card games with them, which they alway won! Even when she had mobility problems she was always a safe place to leave a doll or a car, when they were playing, they knew she wouldn't get up and leave it. She was the only great grandparent so I think the question of maternal or paternal sides had long ceased to matter to any of us.

I don’t know if “advantage” is the word I’d use here. I do know that when my daughter gave birth vs my daughters in law, the post partum period saw me be a lot more hands on, per my daughter’s request. It’s very normal and natural for first time mums in particular to want to be closer to their own mums. It’s a life-changing experience that definitely can bring you closer to the person who went through it to bring you here. There’s a also the level of vulnerability that a young mum may only want to share with her partner and mum. I was conscious of this with my daughters in law, who all gave birth before my own daughter. I let them take the lead. Never asked to be in the delivery room. I asked them when they’d be comfortable having guests, how long etc. I can honestly say I am as close to the children of my sons as I am my daughter’s.

Best to always remember no matter what, it’s not about you. You’ll do fine! Reading stories on the internet can sometimes shake your confidence because you only get these extreme and unreasonable scenarios of people making absurd demands. I find real life to be much less complicated when you just keep it a priority to be considerate and thoughtful. It’s always a good sign that you even think to consider. It means you are thinking of more than just your wants.

Yes, because I believe that in general, although there are exceptions, the Daughter in any marriage tends to work harder than her Husband at making a relationship with blood relatives, and with her own Mother in particular. As regards your forthcoming new experience on the Paternal side of the Great Grandparents equation, don't overthink it, and don't anticipate problems which may not exist.. It may be easier than you think. But yes, the GDIL will tend to be closer to her own Maternal line than to yours. That's just the way it usually works out. Hope it all goes well.