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(45 Posts)
Nanfromafar Mon 03-Jul-23 21:48:46

Just wondering if any other Nannies have experienced this, exluded from birth and first month on Earth.

My husband thought it was weird when they told us, but didn't think it was such a big deal until 2 days later, when I finally broke down in tears (Menopause is.not helping!).

I am a full time working parent, I was getting ready and excited as a first time Nan and have waited so many years to be one.

I was hoping to be a help and spend a little time with our grandchild, the times I can travel down, it would mean several hours driving each way to be handy if needed and to cuddle our daughter, partner in welcoming our new family member, as my own sisters have done with theirs.

Having my babies without my mum, as she lived 1500km away and coming from a close, extended family upbringing, was a tough gig, my husband and I did it on our own and it was not ideal.

I was hoping to be there for our daughter, her partner and grandchild, so I was shocked when partner spoke on my daughters behalf and told us to stay away from the hospital and for me to look after their pets instead, also not welcome for a few weeks so they can all bond.

I did a lot of soul searching, read a lot of online articles to help me to try and understand this way of doing things.

I had made some resolutions that suited our daughters family, but a week down the track, I am back to feeling horrible.

I know I need to respect their choices and rights, but still does not make things feel any better.

Lathyrus Mon 03-Jul-23 22:04:51

I’m sorry you’re feeling so sad but you haven’t been excluded, just asked to wait a little, while they sort themselves out.

If Dad has paternity leave they really don’t need another adult to hep yet. So a visit wouldn’t be for their benefit. And a little baby only really needs its mum for the first weeks. So it’s not for the baby either.

Is it possible that they’ve had to ask you to hold back because you’ve come over too strong in sounding like you’re hoping this baby will fill a need of yours?

Nanfromafar Mon 03-Jul-23 22:09:55

I.was joking about nannyzilla, but our daughter knows me. I guess I have a lot to learn, coming from a background where all the family was involved, not.smothering, but there. And as I had a very, very difficult first birth experience, I am perhaps really worried for my daughter. It certainly not me being needy, but one steeped in culture that is changing.

BlueBelle Mon 03-Jul-23 22:17:29

It seems to be the modern trend that new parents have lots of rules I don’t understand it all either, I was lucky I was involved from the start as were my own mum and dad.
But nothing you can do but go along with it Takes a lot of the excitement out though doesn’t it ?
The time will soon pass and I m sure you ll soon be called on to be part of the new family
I don’t think it’s a very kind trend, of course I can understand them wanting time to themselves in this first bonding time but don’t see why you couldn’t visit for a couple of days just to greet the little one and know your daughter is ok strange she doesn’t want you around at all and didn’t even tell you herself!!! I wonder if it happens in other countries

Mamasperspective Mon 03-Jul-23 22:36:03

It’s nothing against you. Try reading ‘The Lemon Clot Essay’ and it may give you some idea what she’s thinking.
It’s not so much about the baby being born and meeting people; this is mum and baby’s recovery period where they get to heal and bond together, she just wants to enjoy the special little moments with the little one she has carried for the last 5 months. There’s nothing worse than bleeding heavily and being worried about how the bathroom is for the next person (no matter how close you are) or feeling like a failure because you are trying to learn how to breastfeed with someone else around … the tears were real for me and it caused me to have post-natal depression. I’m convinced it’s because I pushed myself to take baby round to meet family in the first few days (out of pure guilt, I really didn’t want to see anyone, I just wanted time to recover in peace. I’m pregnant again now and intend taking the first 2-3 weeks or so for just my nuclear family because I don’t want to put myself through that same experience again. She is your daughter and she still loves you, she will be happy and excited when you meet baby, you just need to give her some time.

Hithere Mon 03-Jul-23 22:36:51

"exluded from birth and first month on Earth."

You were not excludes from an activity you were not invited to participate in the first place

Your expectations collided with the ones by the parents, a very common event with grandparents, especially since you have been waiting for a gc for a while now

Reset your expectations so you about selfsabotaging the experience

Nanfromafar Mon 03-Jul-23 22:45:39

That is how I am feeling. All this new age trend. As I explained to our daughter that it is not a new age science, women have been birthing for millions of years, not to complicate things and just go with the flow. This is what I am also trying to do, but it is quite hard, not feeling rejected and I admire a mother that can just leave their kids to it. These two emotions are what I am looking at tips to over.

We also live on property with animals, work and accommodation to sort out for each trip. Unfortunately, the times I can get down are limited, so each interaction I am wanting to pleasurable for everyone.

JosieGc Mon 03-Jul-23 23:01:05

I know it is hard but try and relax into this and support their way, you will find this approach goes a long way to them trusting you for support with their precious baby longterm. Often these first few weeks are quite pressurised with all of the family’s expectations of meeting baby conflicting with what mum and baby need. Be encouraging, supportive of their way and patient. Your time with your grandchild and all the excitement that brings will come xx

Nanfromafar Mon 03-Jul-23 23:15:30

Mamasperspective, I am so sorry to hear what happened to you and thank you for sharing.

For me, I had no birthing advocate, I was over due, went in for a routine baby monitor only for our daughter to be tachycardia, fast forward they kept me in hospital for 4 weeks, I repeated over and over family history all sisters had first C Sections, Dr refused . They eventually did a.CS and a smiling, alert, 11.5lb baby born and Dr told me the next day that she showed all signs of Gestational Diabetes and could have died at any time.

If I had had my mum there she would have been advocating and pushing, as she did younger sister that endured 72 hours labour before emergency CS.

I am a health trained person, nothing shocks me. I can understand not being in labour room, I even know.I.would be besides myself if something was going wrong, but to not even be welcomed at the hospital, I just don't understand. I have let my daughter know I will in a hotel nearby is she needs me, otherwise, I will poke my head in and go back home.

Nanfromafar Mon 03-Jul-23 23:35:14

Looks like I have found my answers, being an elder/grandparent, no longer is of much importance in our society. I need to remove myself emotionally and just accept it is not like as it once was.

Salute to the Nannies flowers it's a tough gig.

Hithere Mon 03-Jul-23 23:36:29


So sorry to hear your difficult birth experiences

Could you be projecting them onto your daughter?

If I knew somebody was waiting for me to give birth and quickly pop in, it would have stressed me and made me "hurry up"


Your daughter is not you and she will do things her way

Plenty of women can advocate for themselves during birth as well.

Hithere Mon 03-Jul-23 23:38:48

You are overblowing the concept of importance.

I do wish you luck

LRavenscroft Tue 04-Jul-23 05:31:56

Sorry to hear your story. What sort of a relationship do you have with your daughter? Do you try to be in charge and offer advice? Perhaps her partner is quite a strong character and your daughter fragile? I don't understand the modern ways but it seems to be far spread. I think there must be some central source that is telling these young couples how to behave. I have a friend who is delightful and her son has just had a good amount of paternity leave and is thoroughly enjoying it. Friend has met new baby briefly but has been given other child to take out in the afternoon to give young family bonding time. What about partner's family? Are they playing a role? Do you have contact with them? All sounds to me to be modern trends.

Oldnproud Tue 04-Jul-23 06:14:31

The fact that strikes me is that on top of this is that they have offloaded their pets onto you!
You are considered good enough to be a dogsbody, but ...

Somehow, that makes it even worse, to my mind.

Nanfromafar Tue 04-Jul-23 06:27:16

LRavenscroft, thank you for your thoughtful reply. Yes, certainly seems like modern trends. I can't help but wonder, those that are following these modern books could well learn a great from our Indigenous communities, of the benefits extended family. I am just trying to get my bearings on the grandparent thing, changing from mum and adding this whole new and unfamiliar situationas I have never known any friends or family to not be welcomed to wait at the hospital, is foreign language.

We have a good and healthy relationship, talk about most things, share experiences, I can act the clown and I don't take myself seriously, I certainly don't feel 60 either.

We always go down a few times a year, either with her sister, or my husband depending. Enjoy a weekend girls thing of catching theatre, dinner, (partner enjoys sports) and then leave following not over bearing, over staying welcome. We respect their home and their relationship.

We also do weekends including hubby and her partner, we always shout as money can be tight for younger people.

Chat by her favourite form, as she too is busy, sms or messenger and of course phone calls, especially at the moment as translation gets lost in the other two.

Outwardly, partner is.not over powering, but does have unusual quirks, also some similarities to his Dad, but much nicer and I have spoken with his mum, I really like her, who has survived her own not so happy, long marriage.

She has another grandchild, she dotes on her son, as he does on her, quite a loving relationship also, which is beautiful.

I am not sure if his parents would have welcomed being set dog sitting duties instead of being close by for their grandchild's birth, or if he would even be so disrespectful as to to tell them .

If they had other children I would gladly be designated the role at home, but not.four legged pets.

I am sure all will improve and certainly some of the sentiments that have shared on this thread, have been a big wake up call for me, has given me other things to consider.

NanaDana Tue 04-Jul-23 06:59:51

I can understand how you're feeling hurt and frustrated, but you're not actually being "excluded" here, are you? They're just asking for personal space for a few weeks so they can have some privacy to bed in as a new family. OK, it may not be what you (or me) are used to, but it's their call, and to ignore it would only cause problems. So be patient, and look forward to that drawbridge being lifted, so you can give your Grandchild that first, precious cuddle. Enjoy.

MercuryQueen Tue 04-Jul-23 07:00:46

I think part of what you’re overlooking is that Covid has changed EVERYTHING. It’s still very much around, and parents are advised to be extremely cautious with babies.

Trust your daughter and SIL. This time is for healing, recovery and bonding for the three of them. It wasn’t what you did, but it’s what they feel is right for them. You’re really not being rejected or excluded. You’ve been asked to wait. That’s all. I understand your expectations were very different, but right now, it’s about tending to needs vs wants. Mismatched expectations are often the root cause of a lot of family issues. If you can let go of what you thought should or would happen, it’ll be easier to accept and embrace what is.

M0nica Tue 04-Jul-23 07:41:01

The biggest mistake anyone can make is assume that other people including intimate family are just like them and want and need the things you need.

Just because you loved being in the centre of a big involved family, does not mean that your daughter will want such an experience, and are you sure that every member of your large involved family were fully signed up. I bet there were several who would have loved to have opted out, but kept quiet about it, faced with the family dynamic. I wonder whether all your sister's children were as enthusiastic about their parents full on involvement from birth as the grandparents were? perhaps your daughter is doing what a number of her cousins wish they had the courage to do.

I was close to my parents, but once the new grandparents had visited me in hospital the day DS was born. They went home. I did not want my mother around trying to be helpful in the first few weeks - and that was 50 years ago. The same when my DS became a father.

I think you are being a bit too full on. You have to grit your teeth and realise you are not necessary to your grandchildren. Your involvement is always going to be courtesy of your DGC's parents, perhaps it is your implicit belief that you are a necessary part of their life and that your daughter will want your involvement and help, is why they have placed this embargo on the first month.

VioletSky Tue 04-Jul-23 07:54:24

You need to reframe this in your mind

You want to be a supportive mother and grandmother and this is how you do it. Take away any pressure and stress immediately that they aren't doing things your way and support them.

Lots of new parents have done this bonding time now and found it to be an overwhelmingly positive experience. Getting to know their babies, finding routines and bonding as a unit. It's actually wonderful. I wish I had had that but instead I was exhausted and overwhelmed by visits while I tried to heal.

Trust her partner to take care of her, Dad's are far more involved these days.

If you change your mindset from "excluded" to "supporting a wonderful thing they are doing for their little family" this will change your perspectives and undo any harm you are causing yourself and them.

And you will be rewarded for that, they will call the most supportive for the first visits and trust me... That happens even if people don't take the bonding time... The least supportive get less visits

keepcalmandcavachon Tue 04-Jul-23 08:06:41

Hi Nanfromafar, I too would be sad and bewildered, its so very different from what we knew isn't it. However you are now a granny, and have lots to look forward to. Come to terms and try to go forward positively. There will be lots of lovely times to come I'm sure.

maddyone Tue 04-Jul-23 08:13:17

I agree totally with BlueBelle and I would actually go further, I would say it is cruel and unnecessary. I couldn’t wait to show my new babies off to my parents and family and friends a bit later. But especially my parents. We saw our new grandchildren very soon after birth and this helps to develop the wonderful and important bond between grandparents and grandchildren. It also helps the new mother tremendously as my mother/mother in law stayed in our house and did absolutely everything about the house and with the other children.
I’m so glad I had wonderful grandparents myself. I think this controlling behaviour of some parents is horrible and like BlueBelle, I wonder where this fashion has come.

VioletSky Tue 04-Jul-23 08:18:23

It's learnt behaviour maddyone as a response to negative experience

That's how all change comes about

Luckygirl3 Tue 04-Jul-23 09:42:39

Not excluded - just asked to wait. It is the latest fad and not personal.

Send a lovely gift with your love.

There will come a day when they will be needing you! You need to play the long game here ........

Lathyrus Tue 04-Jul-23 09:45:47


Can I just clarify something you said?

You said that you have been told to stay away from the hospital.

Then later you said you would stay in a hotel nearby and just poke your head in.

Have you checked that they are ok with that? Or did they mean don’t come to the hospital at all?

Probably important to be really clear on that.

wildswan16 Tue 04-Jul-23 09:47:59

If you are still comparing this new birth to your own experience, then you need to remember that your daughter is ensuring her experience is what "she" (and her partner) wants. Just be happy for them all, listen to what they are saying, and look forward to the future relationship with your new grandchild.