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Grandparenting

Exclusion

(49 Posts)
Nanfromafar Mon 03-Jul-23 21:48:46

Just wondering if any other Nannies have experienced this, exluded from birth and first month on Earth.

My husband thought it was weird when they told us, but didn't think it was such a big deal until 2 days later, when I finally broke down in tears (Menopause is.not helping!).

I am a full time working parent, I was getting ready and excited as a first time Nan and have waited so many years to be one.

I was hoping to be a help and spend a little time with our grandchild, the times I can travel down, it would mean several hours driving each way to be handy if needed and to cuddle our daughter, partner in welcoming our new family member, as my own sisters have done with theirs.

Having my babies without my mum, as she lived 1500km away and coming from a close, extended family upbringing, was a tough gig, my husband and I did it on our own and it was not ideal.

I was hoping to be there for our daughter, her partner and grandchild, so I was shocked when partner spoke on my daughters behalf and told us to stay away from the hospital and for me to look after their pets instead, also not welcome for a few weeks so they can all bond.

I did a lot of soul searching, read a lot of online articles to help me to try and understand this way of doing things.

I had made some resolutions that suited our daughters family, but a week down the track, I am back to feeling horrible.

I know I need to respect their choices and rights, but still does not make things feel any better.

sodapop Tue 04-Jul-23 12:57:17

I think you are taking this all too seriously Nanfromafar some of your comments are quite dramatic. I think you need to step back a little and take on your family's viewpoint. Of course you want to help with your new grandchild but things have changed now and parents have their own agendas. Covid also changed a lot of things for all of us . As wildswan16 said listen to the new parents and look forward to a good relationship with them and your new grandchild. Good luck.

winterwhite Tue 04-Jul-23 13:08:40

Agree with Blubelle and Maddyone.

March Tue 04-Jul-23 13:16:11

What's right for one family won't be what's best for another.
So women can't wait to show their babies off (me included) some women won't.
Just because you did a certain way doesn't mean it's right for someone else.

Let them do it their way and change your expectations.

Grammaretto Tue 04-Jul-23 13:29:46

Try not to let it upset you. Once baby arrives they may change their minds.

We booked into a b&b in their city after our first DGC arrived but an emergency c section meant we could stay in their house. We just visited the hospital once. I think the other DGP were more involved but not much.
I went down on my own when DGC was about 6 weeks old and enjoyed wheeling the pram out while DDiL was catching up on sleep.
I do what I'm told
At least you are trusted with the pets .

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 04-Jul-23 13:32:04

I really can’t believe that you expected to wait at the hospital until the baby was born. Obviously that wasn’t what the parents wanted and I don’t blame them. Having a baby is one of the most personal and private things a woman can experience.
Just because you think the involvement of lots of extended family is good, doesn’t mean your daughter and her partner have the same views. It isn’t ‘new age’, it’s how a couple want to deal with this very personal event, this big sea change in their lives which they need time to get their heads around. I have recently become a grandmother and my approach is the polar opposite of yours, I’m glad to say.

Hithere Tue 04-Jul-23 13:40:38

How self serving of you - how indigenous families approach birth!

You cannot be serious
Please do not talk to your daughter and sil like this - the repellant effect is strong on that one

Norah Tue 04-Jul-23 13:41:23

March

What's right for one family won't be what's best for another.
So women can't wait to show their babies off (me included) some women won't.
Just because you did a certain way doesn't mean it's right for someone else.

Let them do it their way and change your expectations.

Indeed.

Your expectations are just that yours not theirs.

pascal30 Tue 04-Jul-23 13:51:12

Life has changed so much and I agree with whoever mentioned covid.. young people have had to readjust and assess how they want to live nowdays and of course they are very influenced by social media. I would not do anything to cause bad feeling at this very emotional time, even with your thoughts.. let it go and let them set the pace...

Granmarderby10 Tue 04-Jul-23 14:00:09

I am the youngest of six, an aunt to 18 and mother of 2 with 5 grandchildren.
I have watched a trend of my nieces wanting to separate and distance themselves sometimes in both senses from their parents around pregnancy and birth.
Imo it is a way of attempting to exert control by excluding the possible influence of parents, siblings.
This could be because they didn’t have a very good experience of either and are attempting to right the wrongs whether real or perceived, by demonstrating that they can do it.
Some started as they meant to go on by becoming very insular and never going out again without the children ‘til they were virtually adults themselves. There lives became extremely child centred as a result. The kids themselves can’t wait to get away in some cases.
I think this is sad although all done with the best of intentions.
Each “new batch” seems to arrive amongst a fresh set of expectations, that can be baffling.
For some, having children has become a sort of project.
It makes me feel uncomfortable when I hear of these new demands/rules etc and suspect that some are subtly or not so subtly punishing the parent/other family just because they can.
They’ll all become their own person one day though.

Cold Tue 04-Jul-23 14:17:01

I think you have got a bit over excited and overwhelmed the new parents with your own expectations of their child's birth. I think you need to calm down a little and focus on asking them what help they want rather than telling them what help you are going to give them. Pushing at their boundaries will only make them dig in their heels.

You clearly had some big expectations that you would be at the birth "advocating and pushing" but many first time parents don't want this. Just because you have healthcare experience doesn't mean that you can take over their birth experience. I can feel the anxiety of your posts that is caused by your own difficulties in giving birth and, if I am being totally honest, I can really see why they would not want your stress, anxiety and determination to "push" the medical staff at the hospital. My own mother was very similar and I could not have coped with her fears at the hospital. I'm pretty glad that I gave birth in hospital where people other than baby's father/birth partner were not allowed on the delivery of postnatal wards.

If you want to avoid ruining the relationship with your daughter you need to back off and let them take the lead.

MercuryQueen Tue 04-Jul-23 19:45:59

Just to note, babies don’t bond in the early days with anyone but their primary caregivers, usually Mom and Dad. They have no object permanence. Visits literally are of zero benefit to a newborn, and can actually be a negative (exposure to germs, bacteria, viruses, plus overstimulation, disrupted sleeping and eating). It’s entirely for the visitors and the parents.

And in this case, the parents have said wait.

Oldnproud Wed 05-Jul-23 08:55:26

MercuryQueen, I don't disagree with a single word of your post, but the bits about visits being of zero benefit to a newborn, and entirely for the visitors have really made me think.

It hadn't occurred to me before just how true that is in our modern society, where parents can reasonably expect to live to raise their children to adulthood (and way beyond the point), and where childcare is readily available (to those who can afford it) to fill the gaps where neither parent is available to be with the child.
But it also occurred to me that these two things are a relatively recent development.

Throughout much of history, life was precarious, so the wider a child's family or community support group, the better its chances of survival, so it would have been natural to encourage bonding from birth - not particularly of child to relatives, but of relatives to child. An adult (grandparent, aunt, etc.) involved at or close to birth often feels a rush of love close to that felt by the mother, and will do prepared to do anything for that child). In the past, bonds like that would have made the difference between life and death of the baby/child if anything happened to the parents.

I am guessing that it this change that has finally led to where we are now, where parents feel safe in their small nuclear bubble and where wider family involvement no longer has that value.

It is sad, but probably not surprising.

MercuryQueen Wed 05-Jul-23 22:16:45

@Oldnproud, I don’t know if I’d consider it sad, exactly, since it speaks to longevity and overall advancement in medical science.

I think it’s a newer thing, at least in some circles. But people have been moving around the globe, away from their FOO (Family Of Origin) since people figured out how to build boats and train horses. Heck, one of the most popular series for younger kids in Canada and the US (and has been for generations) is the Little House books, and the very first one is about the family moving away from Ma’s parents and siblings.

I also think it’s a matter of people not following tradition, simply because it’s tradition, as well as a pandemic hitting. Our world has irrevocably changed.

Grams2five Thu 06-Jul-23 13:34:21

VioletSky

You need to reframe this in your mind

You want to be a supportive mother and grandmother and this is how you do it. Take away any pressure and stress immediately that they aren't doing things your way and support them.

Lots of new parents have done this bonding time now and found it to be an overwhelmingly positive experience. Getting to know their babies, finding routines and bonding as a unit. It's actually wonderful. I wish I had had that but instead I was exhausted and overwhelmed by visits while I tried to heal.

Trust her partner to take care of her, Dad's are far more involved these days.

If you change your mindset from "excluded" to "supporting a wonderful thing they are doing for their little family" this will change your perspectives and undo any harm you are causing yourself and them.

And you will be rewarded for that, they will call the most supportive for the first visits and trust me... That happens even if people don't take the bonding time... The least supportive get less visits

Beautifully well said Violet. Op you’re in danger of falling into “this is what I wanted “ trap. Your daughter is a seperate beinf than you and this is what she wants ! And this moment - the birth of their child - simply is I no way about you . It feels so big , your first grandchild , but it’s not your experience. It’s always so foolish to me
These grans who are s quick to call it the “modern” trend and write it off as wrong or worse cruel as me poster suggested. Who’s being precious now ? Cruel my backside. I don’t think new mums wanting some alone time to just snuggle their babies and dote on them and learn all about eachother js modern at all.. what is modern is that todays mums feel empowered to say so and good for them! Additionally many fathers have quite the paternity leave now and so they don’t need grandmothers hovering to help. How wonderful for those little families. My one children are 26-40 and oh how I would have loved to have a few weeks just our own little family when they came along , without the pressure of visitors and pushy grandmothers with an overinflated sense of how important they are. I love my grands to pieces , but my importance pales in comparison to their parents. And the best support I can give them is to first love and respect the wants of their parents, before anything else. My own daughter welcomed her first child last summer and we waited ten days to mee the little iss because that is what she and her husband wanted and I assure you no one suffered for it. They sent a few pictures when they wanted and rot in contact while they settled in and when we did get asked to visit it was such a blessing to see dd settled in and relaxed in her home with sweet miss you’d think they’d had a dozen children before. So keen was she to tell us all the things they’d learned about her sweet personality and how amazing sil had been in caring for the two of them. We’ve been rewarded for our patience with a close relationship
Ever since. Sils parents stewed and complained the whole time about how they couldn’t go to hospital and how unfair it was and it seems they ended up waiting an extra week than we did - I wouldn’t push my luck op

Norah Thu 06-Jul-23 15:53:59

wildswan16

If you are still comparing this new birth to your own experience, then you need to remember that your daughter is ensuring her experience is what "she" (and her partner) wants. Just be happy for them all, listen to what they are saying, and look forward to the future relationship with your new grandchild.

Agreed.

OP, perhaps it may help to remember back to having your children. Surely you wanted to be alone with your OH doing all the helping? I did, we did. We'd no need of others "being there".

lyleLyle Thu 06-Jul-23 21:50:54

(Not to the OP but) I think that framing other people’s choice as “wrong”, “cruel”, or “selfish” just because you did things differently or wanted different things is extremely ignorant and entitled. It shouldn’t be hard for anyone old enough to be a gran to see that it’s okay for us all to have different desires and needs. Problems with others, especially the younger generations, are inevitable when we do not recognize the possibility that not everyone will do things the way you expect….

To the OP, being at the hospital was an expectation that no one should have unless the patient explicitly requests them. Not everyone wants more than their partner in the room, and that’s okay. It’s not a rejection of you.

I do sympathize greatly with feeling a tad sad about not seeing the granbaby for a month. I had one born during the height of the pandemic. I understand the feeling. However, try not to let them see how disappointed you are. Even if your daughter doesn’t call you to come sooner, it is good for them as new parents to know that you respect their choices as parents. It is better to empower them by showing that you trust their judgment, even if you disagree with their choices inside.

aonk Thu 06-Jul-23 22:07:01

I had to manage alone when both of my children were born. DH hadn’t a clue what to do and couldn’t wait to get back to work. My mother had died many years before and my father was unwell. My in laws didn’t live locally and didn’t drive so it really was all down to me and I coped ok. I’m just making the point that new mothers can cope and may prefer to do things their way.

pascal30 Fri 07-Jul-23 08:56:22

aonk

I had to manage alone when both of my children were born. DH hadn’t a clue what to do and couldn’t wait to get back to work. My mother had died many years before and my father was unwell. My in laws didn’t live locally and didn’t drive so it really was all down to me and I coped ok. I’m just making the point that new mothers can cope and may prefer to do things their way.

Absolutely the same for me.. I think my brother brought my mother down to visit for a day. a few weeks after the birth. My inlaws lived miles away and we didn't see them.. I didn't really think about it.. I had many friends in the area and would chat when out for walks but I don't remember any help. It was just the 3 of us and mostly my OH was out working.. it was just how it was and I enjoyed being thoroughly absorbed as a mum..

Grammaretto Fri 07-Jul-23 16:02:07

Me too. I was alone in a high rise flat with an often broken down lift for the first year.
The health visitor didn't visit and both DGP were at the other end of the country. None of our friends had babies .Somehow everything worked out. I was just 21 DH 24. We thought ourselves very grown up and responsible.

My DD teases me when I remind her! It must be a boring record for her but new parents today are usually in a very different place.
They are often older than we were, both are probably working,
They have more money and different expectations

Rosiegirl23 Tue 21-Nov-23 22:39:43

But you were not hoping to be there for you daughter because if you were you’d respect her wishes.

You WERE hoping that she’d ask you to be more present, which she didn’t.

Get over it, when she needs you she’ll reach out.

Suzieque66 Thu 14-Dec-23 10:05:31

What a sad life your kids are making you go through ... it seems cruel and unnecessary .... we were told not to be in the hospital when our Grandson was born ... I never forgave this ....

welbeck Thu 14-Dec-23 10:43:08

why would you expect to be in the hosp when your GC was born ?

Theexwife Thu 14-Dec-23 10:48:07

This is from July so the baby could have been born by now, I wonder how things are going.