help with bonding with grandchild

Meant to say that she is 18 months old.

Little ones have their favourites I’m afraid , nothing you’ve done wrong, maybe she sees her grandad as more cuddly who knows? They are developing all the time and their ways of thinking aren’t the same as an adult. Carry on playing and talking to her and try not to be offended by the little ones’ normal behaviour, maybe just make a joke of it - “poor nanny doesn’t get a cuddle ! “ “ lucky grandad gets all the cuddles!”- try to make her laugh and don’t make an issue of it.

We had this problem in reverse. DD would never go to my father. We thought perhaps because he tried too hard or held her too tight. One day he came home with a blue plastic wheelbarrow and they became firm friends. I’m not saying you should buy a wheelbarrow but she is a little girl and will come round. Just don’t try too hard.

Thank you. 🩷

thank you 🩷

I had the same issue with eldest GD who lived in another country. I saw her about every 3 months or so from when she was born but even after staying for 3 weeks to help out when brother was born, she still preferred anyone else to me! However, by the time she was 3 or 4, we had a much better relationship😀.
One thing I've noticed is that small children don't like being "smothered " - resist the urge to hug or make a big fuss of them if they're not keen.

I would agree with the smother comment.

My first grandchild did this but only when her Mummy was present.

We did child care 2 days a week for her and she was fine without Mummy.

On her 3rd birthday she refused to talk to me or her other grandmother as her Mum was there.

I think it was some sort of allegiance thing.

I remember crouching down in the hall as little DGD arrived, arms outstretched for a hug. She rushed straight past me to Grandad.
He's always been her favourite although I'm the one who played, cooked with her, read to her etc.

She's older now, the first thing she always says is "Where's Grandad?"

I can empathise. When my granddaughter was small I was invisible to her when her grandad (my ex) was around and I found it hard, but as she grew older she gravitated towards me until nowadays she doesn't want to go home when she's at my place (she's seven). I never attempted to pick her up unless she came to me; I think some very small children can be put off by that.

Callistemon21

I remember crouching down in the hall as little DGD arrived, arms outstretched for a hug. She rushed straight past me to Grandad.
He's always been her favourite although I'm the one who played, cooked with her, read to her etc.

She's older now, the first thing she always says is "Where's Grandad?"

She's older now, the first thing she always says is "Where's Grandad?"

Actually, she is a very kind, polite girl and that's usually the second thing she says - the first is to give e a hug and to ask how I am 🙂

Do not despair. She is still just a baby.

I would refrain from picking her up or asking for cuddles.
Just enjoy the cuddles she gives to your husband and her happiness with him.
The more you leave her alone physically the more she'll trust you.

It's hard, but lots of children don't like people wanting cuddles and so on. They tend to avoid them in my experience.

One of my grandchildren was very aware of his personal space from being tiny. By about 5 he was "out of it" and even asked for hugs sometimes.

On the other hand, some people are just natural "children magnets" - my husband has always been one since our family was tiny. I just suck this up now - but when arranging for other children to come over to play even 40 years ago they would often be disappointed if he wasn't going to be in... 🙄
Now, some days one granddaughter walks right past me to check him out first - and then she will come back to "do stuff" with me.

Like Callistemon's granddaughter, she does actually say politely "hi, how are you?" before rushing off to find him!

Don’t try too hard sharke61.
I have one DGS who has always been a kisser, while the other is very reluctant. Asked for a kiss, he thinks for a second, then says no. Last night, he smothered the dog with hugs and kisses as I was taking it away with me.

My mother always kept some little thing in her handbag for my little boy (sweets, bubbles, colouring pencils etc). She carried the same bag and would open it slowly and say (with a big smile) to him, "I wonder what's in here for you," He always went straight to her and one day when he could talk he said "Have you got anything in there for me, Grandma?" Bribery does work wonders with children and could break the ice.

Children are very fickle Sharke, try not to take is personally. She has got into this habit and the more you ask for hugs and kisses the more she will resist. In your position I would rein in a bit and not put demands on her , develop a carefree attitude towards her . Resist trying to pick her up , demonstrate an acceptance of her behaviour , smile , make eye contact and present her with a small gift now and again but don't expect a show of affection from her by way of gratitude. She is still a baby and if you bide your time with patience you will reap the rewards - in time !! and time is on your side so relax , accept and and let her be - she will come round . 💐💐

I agree with those who advise against ‘smothering’ or commenting on lack of cuddles. A child will soon pick up on your anxiety and avoid you even more.
I’d just say hello, smile and nod when you first arrive, and let her come to you in her own time. It may take a while, but trying to ‘encourage’ her could do more harm than good.

The more you push for unwanted affection, the more she will run away from you

Everybody has the right to bodily autonomy

I would do activities she enjoys with you

Well she’s a one year old s it’s early days yet. Many one year olds literally only want their mums so it’s a good start she’s affectionate with grandpa and her aunts. In your shoes I’d step back and be sure I’m not trying to force affection on her she doesnt want - no matter how much you’d like a cuddle asking repeatedly , trying and using thi mg a like “I’m so sad I don’t get a cuddle” will only backfire. Be friendly, give some space and she’ll likely come around in time.

I'm so sorry this has been your experience. I'd try to remember that it's not personal. Babies and children are finicky with their preferences. Many moms and dads also go through periods of the child preferring one parent and refusing the other for a while. I wouldn't consider it a bonding issue. It's just a developmental thing. As hard as it is, I'd show confidence and warmth when this happens. If you're upset, don't show it. "Oh you'd rather stay with mum? That's okay. Here she is." "Oh you don't want to cuddle? Okay that's fine. Maybe next time. I love you."

Bribery does work - just a small something crayons, colouring book, little games. Grandma’s handbag has to be more interesting than grandpa’s empty hand 😂

She may be a toddler but she still has the same rights and needs as everyone else...

Imagine how you would feel should another adult, who you didn't know well, be pressuring you for hugs and attention? Well toddlers feel this too and feel just as uncomfortable when attention isn't wanted.

You need to meet her on the level she is ready to give you and that is healthy... adults have boundaries about other adults touching and hugging them and children should be taught that

Respecting her space will bring you closer in time

Sound advice here Sharke, good luck!

Hi all, your messages have been so helpful and supportive. Many of you have mentioned the smothering. I absolutely agree with you. I have to speak with my daughter in law as she is always asking GD to sit on my lap or give nanna a cuddle. Or when we say good bye, give nanna a cuddle good bye. Everytime she suggests it, GD refuses. Its heart breaking and its putting pressure on GD. So thanks, food for thought. Im so so sensitive, so I think about it all the time. Silly me.