Nowadays we know that it is beneficial for a baby who is not being breastfed to be fed by as few people as possible, ideally just Mum and Dad. Parents need to be able to trust that others will follow the requests that the parents give, if grandparents make a fuss about doing what they are asked then the parents cannot trust that they will do what they are asked in future. I work with mums and their new babies and something that many say is stressful and upsetting is grandparents and others disregarding what they are asked to do, criticizing them when the recommendations have changed and the parents are following more up to date information. For example urging supplementary foods before the recommended 6 months, trying to keep them to a schedule or trying to get the baby to finish a bottle etc.
You had your time with your own baby, it's time for them to have their time with their baby
Gransnet forums
Grandparenting
Need Wisdom Regarding Time with Grandbaby
(172 Posts)I am so incredibly hurt. For years my son lovingly teased me about becoming a grandparent and indicated he was eager to see me in that role. Then his wife became pregnant. We live 20 minutes away from one another, A week before baby's birth my husband and I were given the rules:
1.) We could not even see the baby for the first week as my son and his wife needed "time to bond" with the baby. My son used my husband and me as an example: no family saw him the first week after his birth. I pointed out that my family lived in another state and would be coming for his baptism 10 days later. It was too hard for them to come twice in less than two weeks. If they had lived in town, they would have seen him multiple times in the first week.
2.) No kissing baby - not even on the top of the head or on her toes. Hmm... If they wanted to use my experience as an excuse for their rules, as in rule number one, kissing by family members would not be denied. But my son chose to pick and choose my experiences with him as an excuse for their rules.
3.) No overnights. What the heck?? I never asked for overnights. I did mention I could get a free pack-n-play for baby to sleep in when they visit, but I was referring to napping or sleeping in if parents went out for a date and came home late to pick her up and she needed a spot to snooze.
After baby was born, my son and his wife, who had an emergency c-section, had two weeks of food delivery lined up from various people. The people were only allowed to drop off food to my son in the parking lot of their apartment building. I had no problem with people dropping off food, BUT if my son wanted to use my experience of first-time parenthood as justification for his rules, then no one would bring him food because no one brought us food after he was born. I also had an emergency c-section.
I brought my son and his wife a meal when my grandbaby was six days old. Because she was not yet a week old, I could not come up to the apartment. I was, though, "allowed" to "see" my first grandbaby from the balcony of the apartment building they live in and "wave" at her. I felt like I was going to a nursing care facility to wave to an ill super elderly person from a window outside during the pandemic. I hated it. It felt like waving a chocolate candy bar in front of a starving child and saying, "Look, but don't touch. Now, isn't that amazing?" I could not even see the baby. I didn't want to wave at the crown of an infant head. I wanted to "taste" my grandbaby's goodness by holding her and touching her. It was like salt in an open wound.
Finally, the day arrived when my husband and I could actually visit. When we arrived, baby was in the living room in her bassinet. We were not allowed to pick her up out of it. We had to sit on the couch and have her handed to us. She was bundled in a swaddle, and we could not see anything but her face. We were not allowed to touch her skin at all. When I went to pass baby to her Papa (my husband) sitting next to me, my son insisted that he be the one to pass the baby. I felt like I was being treated like a young child and not a grandmother who raised her own children.
When I later expressed how hurtful all this was, my son got upset with me saying that she is his and his wife's child and not mine and I do not get to make the rules. But that is all I was given: rule after rule after rule, and not anything I CAN do as a grandmother.
My grandbaby is now 4 months old, and I have held her an average of 10 minutes a month. I have never babysat her, played with her, read a book to her, sang a lullaby to her, given her a bottle, changed her diapers, pushed her in her stroller, or done anything grandmas do with grandbabies, especially kissed her.
What I have done is cried and cried and cried. I cannot understand why my son who was super affectionate towards me, even when he was in college, is now distancing himself from me and, more hurtful, keeping my grandbaby at an arms-length, saying this is how his generation operates. I am scared. Will it always be this way with her? Will I never have a true relationship with her? I literally feel like there is a knife piercing my heart.
In addition to keeping the baby at arms-length, it seems that rather than listening and learning from one another and across generations, my son and his wife are rejecting everything my generation believes about family, and acting as if my generation has nothing of value to offer the generations behind us because we are not as smart as they are: they can just go online and read stuff from people who are smarter than we are. Their baby must at all costs be protected from us. That is very hurtful. I don't understand it.
Please, I would love any insight and wisdom others can give me on this issue. I need to get my head on straight about this as the hurt is so deep. I just want to love on my grandbaby in real life - not by seeing pictures of her posted online.
I’m with you 100%. My grandson is also 4 months old. I have seen him three times. They live an hour away. I’m retired and have all the time in the world, but every visit has to be scheduled a month in advance. This is my son’s child. I know for a fact that they go to the other granny and stay there, but they don’t want to come to me for more than a 2-hour visit. I also thought I would be involved with my grandchild, helping out, holding him and singing lullabies. Seems I’m only allowed to hold him for photo opportunities for ten minutes. I’m just so hurt. I’m a widow, this baby will never know his Grandpa and I hoped he would remember his Grandma, seems not.
I expect the new parents will relax in time OP. It won’t affect your future relationship with your granddaughter, bonding with a grandparent is not at all like bonding with her parents. Try to step back and let them enjoy all the early time with the little one, it flies, and they’ll welcome your presence in her life soon enough. There’s no point fretting over how different things were when you had your son, this is their time and you have to let them navigate it their way.
Treasure the photos meanwhile, and be ready to play when they’re ready to share their time with her!
My elder DD had a bad start with a premature baby so her paranoia was quite understandable. Seven years later she’s now a single parent and heavily reliant on me helping with my fabulous eldest grandchild.
My younger DD was rigid about no kissing, no touching baby’s hands or face, having me sit down while she placed baby in my arms… with the first one. When her second arrived a year later she’s completely different. I see them only every few months due to distance but at 2 1/2 and 14 months, the children know exactly who I am and we have a wonderful relationship - now when they need a babysitter it’s never a problem for me to look after them either at my house or theirs.
Let it develop without pressure, be happy they are doing their best, their way.
I was hugely protective of first child, though not to extreme you have said. It’s a massive life-change for new parents. Stay calm. It’s early days. Accept she will probably feel more relaxed with her own mother. It will get better.
So sad. Unfortunately, young parents nowadays have some weird ideas. They don't seem to care that they are hurting others and, crucially, causing their own child/children to miss out on a normal life. I do hope they come to their senses before it is too late for your grandchild to enjoy time with you.
Give it time, all works out in the end, I remember my first grandchild came with a rule book, until I became childcare x
Wonder at what age the parents woll allow the baby to be touched, spoken to by anyone other than themselves. No nursery, preschool, kindergarten or even interacting with the parents of other children. Definitely their baby, their child, their rules Just wait until they need urgent help with anything, wonder if the rules will apply then.
I am exceedingly sorry you have been hurt by this list of rules and the way in which your son has formulated them, but his is what young parents, all over the world, are doing these days.
I don't know if midwives or pre-natal classes are handing out these suggestions or not, but I suspect they are.
Try to take a good step back - and acknowledge that some of the points make sense.
Not kissing a newborn baby makes sense, however much you may not care to admit it, so does not visiting if you have a cold which your son apparently did not mention.
Try to sort out the misunderstanding about a cot in your house: you were suggesting a cot as a suitably safe space for the baby to take a nap in, when he or she and the parents visit. Explain so. No-one expects an infant to be anywhere for any lenght of time without the parents.
If you cannot accept that rightly or wrongly this is indeed how you son and daughter-in-law's generation bring up their children, you are not likely to be allowed a closer relationship with the child or her parents.
Think back: were you honestly delighted when your mother or mother-in-law waded in and started doing things for your baby?
No, dear grandma, you were not! You wanted to scream at them to stop at once, but we were not brought up to do so.
Cut them some slack. Your grand-daughter is fourth months - it won't be long before her parents will be thrilled to hand her over for a while, so they can get some sleep or a night out.
GM of 7 here. Relax. They will be begging for help at some point. I am so lucky (even invited to be at the birth of first grandchild ) but have never assumed any right to see GC without invitation. I do think, if you can, that offering to cook/clean/shop is the best way forward! I also made it clear before any GC appeared that I was always available on the end of the phone 24/7 but was not planning to provide regular child care (I was still working full time) - I needed my independence and so would they - so neither family made any assumptions - it seems to have worked out so far - we all rub along!
From my experience of six grandkids, I would say, the more you let this hurt you ,the more devastating it will be to any future relationship you may have with this grandchild, or any other(s) that come along. They are the baby's parents. They decide what happens . You may not agree , and for the record, I think they are being ridiculous, but that is irrelevant. Its their kid, their rules ! A lot of new parents are very over anxious and , if your son is one of them , its clear to see where he gets it from! Please relax, let them get on with it and find interesting things to do in your own life. The less needy you seem , the less stress you will cause them and things are much more likely to work out in the end. Good luck with it x
I'm a doula (birth and postnatal). What the parents are doing here is a "babymoon" - they have decided to just focus on coping on their own for the first fortnight. It's a very good way of bonding and frankly I don't see why you should expect them to fit in with your ideas of what is right.
A new baby is getting used to so many sensations - they get overloaded very quickly and being passed from hand to hand around a ring of noisy relatives is the worst thing.
If the mum is breastfeeding then she need not be too worried about infections so I think the ban on touching the baby's skin is definitely overkill. But if they want to have meals delivered and just spend time BEING with their baby, fantastic.
Dry your eyes, blow your nose and accept that your baby has his own baby and its HIS and HERS not YOURS. You have the rest of your life to bond with this baby and I'll bet you anything, as soon as he/she is old enough to crawl around and get into trouble you will suddenly in demand!
Rather than take it personally just remember they are doing their best. Just because it's not what you did doesn't mean it's wrong. It's just different.
The kissing thing is normal, my son is 1 and had the same advice. Yet my daughter who is a teen, I don't remember having the same advice with her.
If your DIL had an emergency C-section there's of course a story there and maybe 2 very anxious and over protective parents. Is she breastfeeding? How's her mental health?
Everyone is always wanting to get at the baby but there's never much or any thought of the brand new mom who's on an hormonal downer and all that comes with being postpartum. She will of course gravitate to her mom as it's her mom, who will want to be there for her not just the baby.
Your son sounds like a very supportive husband and doting dad.
Give them a minute. If you start an argument now about what you want, you won't win and will lose out.
Been there, done that...so I sympathize completely. I kept my mouth shut but did ask my son when the babies became toddlers why were they visiting his in-laws so much more often than visiting me. He said " it's more important for the children to spend time with their cousins than with you". He is an only child. His wife has siblings with children. It was so, so hurtful to hear that. Now that the children are 5 and 3 they make their own 'rules' and tell their parents they prefer to come to visit me rather than spend time with their cousins. They demand it!! So be patient...the tide will turn!
Patience and keeping your lip buttoned will have benefits for you in time This too will pass and you're really more fortunate than many grandparents ENJOY that 10 mins a month
This is just the most ludicrous way to treat your parent(s) .
If this was me I’d tell ‘em where to shove their “thoroughly modern”ways.
This new Mum and Dad need therapy!
Definitely not normal or natural
I’m so sorry. It seems to me that in todays world there are such extremes. I know a woman whose children did not tell her for a week that the baby had been born! And yet, guess what? She’s now the main childcarer. Grandparents can be way over the top too. Sitting in hospitals, demanding to be at the birth etc etc. I’ve had four children. Have had no inclination to change nappies. I don’t need an intense relationship with my grandchildren. Probably because I’ve had four children. I hope things settle down. I think your son is being a bit mean.
I have never really thought of a visit to my daughters as being "allowed access ". But then I liked to see my daughters before they were mothers, not just when they had babies.
Shelflife
Strict rules indeed, and I do find it odd. Perhaps they feel if they give you an inch you will take a mile!? My children are only too pleased for me to care for their children. Although I recognize that things may be very different with a DIL. Hang in there and the situation may improve, having said that I would have been very upset and cross if my AC had behaved that way. It would seem that MN has evidence of parents laying down strict rules for GPs. Will these parents be quite so firm when they need to go back to work or their child is sick and they have to work ? They can't have it both ways ! If they alienate GPs now they may regret it in the future when GPs lay down their own rules about when and how often they are able to care for their GC. Their rules they make initially could well backfire in the future -
I’m thinking along these lines too. The time will come when GPS are needed and then THEY get to call the shots.
I feel for you Gigi I have 8 grandchildren who I have loved and adored from birth but I never criticised anything their parents did or tried to take over but I was always there if I was needed. Now I have two great grandchildren and the first born who is now five was treated the same by me I have beautiful photos of nursing her, playing with her and I had so much pleasure and she’s a very lovable child, however the second one now that’s a different story I was allowed to hold him when he was a couple of weeks old and I do have a photo and I look terrified on it. I saw him once after that and I haven’t seen him since and he’s now 18 months old a little toddler and it breaks my heart. I hope as your baby grandchild gets older you will see more of her but young parents today are given so much conflicting advice I feel sorry for them they can’t do right for doing wrong I think you will just have to be patient. I wish you well.
I wish I'd had the confidence to lay down a few rules for my in-laws when my DD was born. They insisted on visiting in the hospital, the day after the birth which had been quite difficult. I was in hospital for a few days then when I got home MiL visited for a day and spent the whole time holding her except when I was feeding her. I don't remember her offering to help in any way! She also declared her intention to see her at least every 6 weeks. They lived about 70 miles away so they were being quite demanding.
My own mother lived 200 miles away and had to wait to meet her GD until we visited her when GG was a few weeks old.
As time went on I did lay down the law a bit as they didn't seem to see that we had busy lives and visits were supposed to fit their schedule. They would expect us to drive to them for visits but if I suggested a Saturday I was told that that was when they went shopping! They were retired for heavens sake! I however had a major commitment at my church as the worship leader, so I said if it had to be Sunday they would have to come to us, and if they expected a roast dinner we would have to eat out! They eventually realised they had to comply as we had busy lives and we couldn't alter our schedules to suit their need to shop on a Saturday!
When MiL complained that she hadn't seen the children for weeks I had to point out that my own mum hadn't seen them for months!
My GS was born in 2020 during lockdown. DS and DiL were staying with her parents and DD and I were invited to visit after a week - the first possible time due to work commitments. Shortly afterwards DS moved to Germany when his son was less than 2 weeks old! I retired soon afterwards and when my GS's passport arrived I travelled with my DiL and GS to join him in Germany. I was thrilled to have the opportunity to help in that way and only disappointed to have my visit cut short by Germany going into lockdown and having to leave on the last flight out of their city. I'm grateful for all the time I get with my GC. There's a GD too now and they now live back in the UK but 200 miles away. I benefitted from bonus visits every time they came to the UK from Germany as, living near Heathrow, I could pick them up and allow them to isolate at my house while waiting for their test results! I'm grateful they haven't put major restrictions on my visits etc but being so far away gives its own restrictions. I also try not to be demanding like my in-laws were.
Whatever rules are in place the couple have to expect them to be complied with. I've been lucky that few have been forced on me and I'm grateful. Most of the restrictions I find are imposed by my GS who most of the time insists on Mummy doing everything. He will even refuse attention from his dad at times. My GD however is totally chilled and laid back so I enjoy lots of cuddles with her. Hopefully I'll get more time with GS when he gets over his present jealous phase!
Aven
When my first grandchild was born I told my son and daughter in law that I was just at the end of the phone if they needed me, I left them to find their way. I later found my dils parents were there every day taking over. My son was so angry he stopped everyone visiting when they had their second. After a few weeks I got a call to go over to their house and I took my gd out in her pram! I then went back and did a huge washing for them, a mountain of ironing and made a couple of meals to keep them going. The other in laws got nothing!
Same here. Call me when your ready.
I am sorry but you do sound totally obsessed with your "Grandbaby" I have actually never heard this terminology before, she is your grandchild. Please leave them alone until they are ready, it is not about what you WANT as you keep saying in your post, it is about what they want, it is their lives and their baby. You can wish for more interaction, I do too, a lot of us on here do, but it does not work like that. The more you push the more they will withdraw. I am totally honest when I say, I'm glad my mother in-law did not put all that pressure on to have contact with our children. It takes some time to settle down to a new life, with work commitments and everything else and they are obviously loving being new parents too.
Hold tight and get through these next few months abiding by their rules! Life has a way changing rigid rules in any and most situations. If your daughter in law works, then that precious little baby will have to go into daycare or have a child minder, then there’s the terrible two’s when parents can be run ragged by tantrums…..followed by the pick up and drop off at kindergarten, then school holidays when help is needed ……as your granddaughter grows there will be hundreds of opportunities when you’ll be asked to step in…..believe me!
So sorry to hear how upset you are over this. I don't think this kind of behaviour in new parents is unusual these days, given how 'parental wisdom' is on tap via the internet and parenting groups like the NCT and Mumsnet. My 1st grandchild is now 6 months old, born prematurely at 32 weeks and my DIL's life was on a knife edge for a few days. We weren't allowed to see any photos until she had regained consciousness and was strong enough to hold the baby herself (understandable!). Snce then strict rules about distribution of photos beyond family/close friends and mean that I often check first and social media is a NO. Kissing was out until recently too, but with the nasty viruses now circulating out there I think theyre right to protect their baby with her still immature immune system (after all, puppies arent allowed outside pre vaccination). I wasn't allowed to take the baby for a walk 'unsupervised' in those early weeks, even though my son and she were badly sleep deprived and could have done with a rest.
However, I make a point of not taking any of it personally and try to respect their desire to be the best parents they can, even if it seems over idealistic.
I'm positive that after their particularly traumatic experience, they will gradually heal and relax 'their rules', given time!
Meanwhile just try to offer uncritical support, difficult though this may be for you.
That does seem very extreme and hard to deal with.
Best though to go along with their ‘rules’ and try not to say ‘well I did it this way’.
They are reinventing the wheel and maybe very anxious. Be very positive when you are with them.
This will get better as they need you as time goes on. And as people have said, baby will not remember this.
Big virtual hug.
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