When my first grandchild was born I told my son and daughter in law that I was just at the end of the phone if they needed me, I left them to find their way. I later found my dils parents were there every day taking over. My son was so angry he stopped everyone visiting when they had their second. After a few weeks I got a call to go over to their house and I took my gd out in her pram! I then went back and did a huge washing for them, a mountain of ironing and made a couple of meals to keep them going. The other in laws got nothing!
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Grandparenting
Need Wisdom Regarding Time with Grandbaby
(172 Posts)I am so incredibly hurt. For years my son lovingly teased me about becoming a grandparent and indicated he was eager to see me in that role. Then his wife became pregnant. We live 20 minutes away from one another, A week before baby's birth my husband and I were given the rules:
1.) We could not even see the baby for the first week as my son and his wife needed "time to bond" with the baby. My son used my husband and me as an example: no family saw him the first week after his birth. I pointed out that my family lived in another state and would be coming for his baptism 10 days later. It was too hard for them to come twice in less than two weeks. If they had lived in town, they would have seen him multiple times in the first week.
2.) No kissing baby - not even on the top of the head or on her toes. Hmm... If they wanted to use my experience as an excuse for their rules, as in rule number one, kissing by family members would not be denied. But my son chose to pick and choose my experiences with him as an excuse for their rules.
3.) No overnights. What the heck?? I never asked for overnights. I did mention I could get a free pack-n-play for baby to sleep in when they visit, but I was referring to napping or sleeping in if parents went out for a date and came home late to pick her up and she needed a spot to snooze.
After baby was born, my son and his wife, who had an emergency c-section, had two weeks of food delivery lined up from various people. The people were only allowed to drop off food to my son in the parking lot of their apartment building. I had no problem with people dropping off food, BUT if my son wanted to use my experience of first-time parenthood as justification for his rules, then no one would bring him food because no one brought us food after he was born. I also had an emergency c-section.
I brought my son and his wife a meal when my grandbaby was six days old. Because she was not yet a week old, I could not come up to the apartment. I was, though, "allowed" to "see" my first grandbaby from the balcony of the apartment building they live in and "wave" at her. I felt like I was going to a nursing care facility to wave to an ill super elderly person from a window outside during the pandemic. I hated it. It felt like waving a chocolate candy bar in front of a starving child and saying, "Look, but don't touch. Now, isn't that amazing?" I could not even see the baby. I didn't want to wave at the crown of an infant head. I wanted to "taste" my grandbaby's goodness by holding her and touching her. It was like salt in an open wound.
Finally, the day arrived when my husband and I could actually visit. When we arrived, baby was in the living room in her bassinet. We were not allowed to pick her up out of it. We had to sit on the couch and have her handed to us. She was bundled in a swaddle, and we could not see anything but her face. We were not allowed to touch her skin at all. When I went to pass baby to her Papa (my husband) sitting next to me, my son insisted that he be the one to pass the baby. I felt like I was being treated like a young child and not a grandmother who raised her own children.
When I later expressed how hurtful all this was, my son got upset with me saying that she is his and his wife's child and not mine and I do not get to make the rules. But that is all I was given: rule after rule after rule, and not anything I CAN do as a grandmother.
My grandbaby is now 4 months old, and I have held her an average of 10 minutes a month. I have never babysat her, played with her, read a book to her, sang a lullaby to her, given her a bottle, changed her diapers, pushed her in her stroller, or done anything grandmas do with grandbabies, especially kissed her.
What I have done is cried and cried and cried. I cannot understand why my son who was super affectionate towards me, even when he was in college, is now distancing himself from me and, more hurtful, keeping my grandbaby at an arms-length, saying this is how his generation operates. I am scared. Will it always be this way with her? Will I never have a true relationship with her? I literally feel like there is a knife piercing my heart.
In addition to keeping the baby at arms-length, it seems that rather than listening and learning from one another and across generations, my son and his wife are rejecting everything my generation believes about family, and acting as if my generation has nothing of value to offer the generations behind us because we are not as smart as they are: they can just go online and read stuff from people who are smarter than we are. Their baby must at all costs be protected from us. That is very hurtful. I don't understand it.
Please, I would love any insight and wisdom others can give me on this issue. I need to get my head on straight about this as the hurt is so deep. I just want to love on my grandbaby in real life - not by seeing pictures of her posted online.
This is heartbreaking. I wonder if the other grandparents in the mix have these restrictions? Often daughters allow more access to their own mother. All u can do is bide your time and hope they eventually see the point of family, maybe after another birth?
Keep communications open, but don’t be pushy about contact invite them for meals, Sunday lunch, be appreciative of pics and any small morsels.
How awful for you. Rules??? It's not a game,it's your grandaughter. My wee grandaughter is nearly 2,born shortly after lockdown. Only rules were in the hospital..I think they are being a bit hard. What about her parents? Same rules? You are just going to play 'their game'. To me you are all losing here. I sincerely hope things improve for you soon. Xx
I was wondering same
nexus63, our little grandson also has autism and at 4 years old was wordless. He started with the occasional word before school and is now quite fluent. The way he talks is perhaps noticeably different but he gets by. I have several grandchildren but I have the same reaction to you when this little lad smiles and waves. He will also be my only grandchild from these parents and when I see the work they put in, I understand it completely.
i have 1 gs, he was born the day after my bowel cancer operation, he was in hospital for 4/5 weeks, he was 3 months old when i first saw him, they sent me pics and facetimed me and that was fine, he is 4 now and has autism and can only say a few words and i see him every few months even though he is only a 15 min drive away, i only get kisses, cuddles and attention when HE wants and i am fine with that, when he smiles, laughs and waves to me, my heart bursts with love and pride for how far he has come. my son and dil make the rules and that is how it should be, they don't want anymore kids this will be my only gc, i am not sad about this as it is there choice. grandparents don't have an automatic right to come in and do what they want to do ie kisses, feeding and nappy changing. just be glad you have a son who has a happy settled family and find something else to do with your time.
As has been said above, try not to take it personally.
This approach to parenting a newborn (especially a first child) is very common now and yes, it is so far removed from what many or even most of us experienced in years gone by that it can feel very hurtful when it hits us so unexpectedly.
The birth of my own first DGC (12 years ago) wasn't accompanied by quite as many rules as yours, but still enough to initially upset me purely because they were so unexpected.
I decided quite quickly that the best thing I could do was to push aside any feelings of self pity, as there was nothing positive whatsoever to be gained from them, only negatives. I just went with the flow, and by the time our second dgc was born 18 months later I was very wanted as a hands-on grandparent to both the firstborn and to the newborn. And yes, that included changing nappies and trying to bottle feed them when breast feeding alone was no longer possible.
It is flu, RSV, strep, upper respiratory conditions, cough, etc, season.
Much more reason to keep a baby safe from germs from wants while he/she is fully vaccinated
May I ask why you wish to change nappies and childmind an infant?
I was also truck by the number of 'I wants' from the poster. It seems really sensible to me, that given the recent covid epidemic and the current numbers of cases, that the parents would set clear boundaries whilst the baby is so young. The least you can do is to respect them..
Same issue always cropping up lemsip.
I've read this before a while back
Deep breath.
She's 4 months old. You've expected a lot of things to happen in such a small amount of time.
I think some people are cold to you in their responses. I do feel for you in the sense that I think they were a bit stiff in not letting you see her for a week and also having to be handed over to you, you couldn’t pick her up yourselves ! Or even touch her skin , That’s batshitl Also not sending you photos but just seeing second hand on Facebook . The feeding , kissing, changing nappies is not something you should be too bothered about , baby is still so young . They are being super precious at this stage but it will wear off . I’m sure you will have lovely times with your grandkid and will build a relationship with her in the future as the child gets older and will love to see her nana . I know you don’t say anything anymore and that’s the best way to leave it.
- should read "post", not "out"
GrannyRose15
I'm sorry my out has inadvertently upset you so thoroughly.
I'm not sure why - but apologies anyway.
LGigi - it’s not as if these rules are just for you and your DH. It’s for everyone, including d.I.l’s parents. Don’t be too upset. It’s their first baby. Wait till the second one comes along - they’ll be begging for your help.
Notspaghetti I’m not sure what the point of your post is. If it was to make me feel better about the situation then it failed. If it was to reprimand me in some way then how dare you minimise my feelings.
It’s very hurtful I know but I would just leave them to it. Sometime hopefully soon they will want help and advice and you will be there. When I visited my first grandson I wasn’t allowed to hold him ! Now 12 years later we are looking after him and his brother for a week 😳
Your time will come.
"Many of us tolerated parental interference because we had been taught that respect for them trumped everything else even if they didn't deserve that respect. "
That was certainly the case with my in-laws. They showed no respect for us and what we did at all. My DH's niece told her grandparents that if they continued to tell what to do she would not see them again. And she didn't.
I was lucky with my grandparents, both of whom lived until I was in my twenties. But the relationship between children and their GPs is very different to that between children and their parents. And it should be.
Wisdom doesn’t seem to be valued these days.
Our wisdom may not be quite as wise as the up to date thinking which has developed through research. I had children 6 years and 10 years apart and I was shocked by how much had changed. Some of the advice was the exact opposite of what I had been told with the first baby. Many of us tolerated parental interference because we had been taught that respect for them trumped everything else even if they didn't deserve that respect. Today's generation are more assertive than some of us were.
GrannyRose you say
I’m really sorry my youngest grandchild will never have the relationship with his grandparents that his cousins have.
No two children (even twins) have the same relationship with their grandparents. Each relationship is unique and precious.
I have 7 grandchildren. They are all lovely, warm and valued - but all very different! We are always pleased to see each other (even the 16year old boy - briefly 
) but each child has their own way with me.
My 5 children have very different relationships with their grandmother.
You have my sympathy OP. I know how hard it is. I am fortunate that I have a daughter and am very close to her two boys but I hardly ever see my son’s child and am never allowed to have him on his own even though he is now nearly three. I too cried at the beginning and felt very hurt but there is little you can do I am afraid. Wisdom doesn’t seem to be valued these days. I’m really sorry my youngest grandchild will never have the relationship with his grandparents that his cousins have. It is a two edged sword though and my DIL will never know what it is to have babysitters on tap who will drop everything at a moments notice when children are sick or schools close etc. In my view everyone loses out.
I think if I’d had a MIL who lived so close and wanted to be quite so hands on with my first baby I would have set up a few ground rules.
I don't think 'our' generation did do anything much to create this distrust; what did we do when we needed advice? We asked parents, other mothers, the doctor and the nurse, plus Dr. Spock and Penelope Leach, both discredited now.
Now confused new parents turn to the internet where they fall prey to a growing number of people who set themselves up as experts with rather dubious credentials and a desire for financial gain.
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