There could be a number of reasons these new parents have asked this, postnatal anxiety and depression, baby blues, hormones, just general nervous first time parents, COVID is still rife and RSV, that's drummed into you when you go to every midwife appointment, maybe they've taken it a bit too far, maybe they are just super protective of their baby, maybe it's taken them a few years to conceive, maybe she had a miscarriage and it terrified of anything happening to this baby, maybe they know someone who had a baby and caught RSV from being being held by someone and so on.
I imagine they raised them as they wanted too, which is what parents do. But this is a 4 month old baby, by the time she child is a toddler they might of calmed down a bit.
Gransnet forums
Grandparenting
Need Wisdom Regarding Time with Grandbaby
(172 Posts)I am so incredibly hurt. For years my son lovingly teased me about becoming a grandparent and indicated he was eager to see me in that role. Then his wife became pregnant. We live 20 minutes away from one another, A week before baby's birth my husband and I were given the rules:
1.) We could not even see the baby for the first week as my son and his wife needed "time to bond" with the baby. My son used my husband and me as an example: no family saw him the first week after his birth. I pointed out that my family lived in another state and would be coming for his baptism 10 days later. It was too hard for them to come twice in less than two weeks. If they had lived in town, they would have seen him multiple times in the first week.
2.) No kissing baby - not even on the top of the head or on her toes. Hmm... If they wanted to use my experience as an excuse for their rules, as in rule number one, kissing by family members would not be denied. But my son chose to pick and choose my experiences with him as an excuse for their rules.
3.) No overnights. What the heck?? I never asked for overnights. I did mention I could get a free pack-n-play for baby to sleep in when they visit, but I was referring to napping or sleeping in if parents went out for a date and came home late to pick her up and she needed a spot to snooze.
After baby was born, my son and his wife, who had an emergency c-section, had two weeks of food delivery lined up from various people. The people were only allowed to drop off food to my son in the parking lot of their apartment building. I had no problem with people dropping off food, BUT if my son wanted to use my experience of first-time parenthood as justification for his rules, then no one would bring him food because no one brought us food after he was born. I also had an emergency c-section.
I brought my son and his wife a meal when my grandbaby was six days old. Because she was not yet a week old, I could not come up to the apartment. I was, though, "allowed" to "see" my first grandbaby from the balcony of the apartment building they live in and "wave" at her. I felt like I was going to a nursing care facility to wave to an ill super elderly person from a window outside during the pandemic. I hated it. It felt like waving a chocolate candy bar in front of a starving child and saying, "Look, but don't touch. Now, isn't that amazing?" I could not even see the baby. I didn't want to wave at the crown of an infant head. I wanted to "taste" my grandbaby's goodness by holding her and touching her. It was like salt in an open wound.
Finally, the day arrived when my husband and I could actually visit. When we arrived, baby was in the living room in her bassinet. We were not allowed to pick her up out of it. We had to sit on the couch and have her handed to us. She was bundled in a swaddle, and we could not see anything but her face. We were not allowed to touch her skin at all. When I went to pass baby to her Papa (my husband) sitting next to me, my son insisted that he be the one to pass the baby. I felt like I was being treated like a young child and not a grandmother who raised her own children.
When I later expressed how hurtful all this was, my son got upset with me saying that she is his and his wife's child and not mine and I do not get to make the rules. But that is all I was given: rule after rule after rule, and not anything I CAN do as a grandmother.
My grandbaby is now 4 months old, and I have held her an average of 10 minutes a month. I have never babysat her, played with her, read a book to her, sang a lullaby to her, given her a bottle, changed her diapers, pushed her in her stroller, or done anything grandmas do with grandbabies, especially kissed her.
What I have done is cried and cried and cried. I cannot understand why my son who was super affectionate towards me, even when he was in college, is now distancing himself from me and, more hurtful, keeping my grandbaby at an arms-length, saying this is how his generation operates. I am scared. Will it always be this way with her? Will I never have a true relationship with her? I literally feel like there is a knife piercing my heart.
In addition to keeping the baby at arms-length, it seems that rather than listening and learning from one another and across generations, my son and his wife are rejecting everything my generation believes about family, and acting as if my generation has nothing of value to offer the generations behind us because we are not as smart as they are: they can just go online and read stuff from people who are smarter than we are. Their baby must at all costs be protected from us. That is very hurtful. I don't understand it.
Please, I would love any insight and wisdom others can give me on this issue. I need to get my head on straight about this as the hurt is so deep. I just want to love on my grandbaby in real life - not by seeing pictures of her posted online.
So, here we go with the abbreviations again! RSV is apparently Respiratory Syncytial Virus, a new one on me, so maybe despite my experience of child rearing, I’d need to be warned about that one .
It was new to me too, I've got 3 and my eldest is nearly 14, and middle is 10.
Never heard of it before, my son is 1 and it's everywhere, it's on posters in midwives rooms and maternity wards, midwives and HVs spoke to us about it before he was here and the visits in the first few days. They don't sugar coat it, its really scary and I was an experienced mom.
It just goes to show that in 10 years how much things change and that new parents now are just doing their best for their kid.
Smileless2012
Being made aware of allergies, best way to bring up a baby's wind and sleeping position (we are all aware I'm sure about not letting babies sleep on their tummies) is one thing.
Not being allowed to pick a baby up, but to have the baby passed to you and then not being able to pass the baby to the GD and touch the baby's skin as was the case with the OP, is ridiculous IMO and I agree with eazybee is disrespectful.
I’m puzzled how it’s disrespectful.
Again, unless you’ve had a baby during a pandemic or had to worry about RSV, your experience is outdated.
If you think it’s disrespectful, then don’t visit.
Grandparents have a choice: accept the parents rules, or don’t. Visit or don’t.
But asking someone to change the decisions made for their child because of how you feel about it is unreasonable. Babies get zero benefit from visitors until they develop object permanence. Parents may benefit from visitors, as do the guests themselves. But not baby.
And lying about following the rules as a previous poster did, is flat out disgusting.
@eazybee makes zero difference what rules were being ignored, the point is, this child is NOT the grandparents child so if the parents want their child to be dressed in neon green with orange polka dots every day, it is not the grandparents place to question. Grandparents are extended family only and not an immediate relative to that child.
I didn't have many rules for my DM when my DC was born. BUT she always called before coming over , didn't pursue it if the time wasn't suitable, and was still working in a professional job with long hours, so her visits were few and far between. She always asked me what I wanted her to do and NEVER insisted on holding/kissing the baby or taking the baby out - and couldn't have fed the baby since I was breastfeeding. She was a brilliant grandmother and when retired a few years later was great at looking after DC when I was abroad for work and my DH was full time working, and was the best loved grandmother. I'm now a gp and hoping to follow in her footsteps - by doing what I'm told, helping where I can and waiting for time to forge the relationship.
I do find grandparents who NEED to be at the hospital or FIRST to see the progeny and get SO DEPRESSED when they can't kiss or see the baby as often as they want a tad ridiculous - get a life. As for those saying they wouldn't help out in the future because they felt deprived in the present ... words fail me. They're behaving like toddlers.
Has something else happened in meantime? Maybe someone in hospital contracted infection and all the new parents were warned abot infection risks etc?? It does seem extreme.Maybe sons wife has gone a bit 'germ-crazy' what with the operation and the hospital environment etc??
Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.
"It is not the grandparents place to question."
If you are left in charge of a child when the parents are not there then you do have a right, not to say responsibility , to question if you are given an intensive list of instructions to follow.
These are families, for goodness sake, fathers and mothers with their sons and daughters and it is sad that they can't discuss these rules with people who have lovingly nurtured them to the best of their ability.
And that's why OP isn't allowed to babysit.
Nannan2
Give them a little time to see if things settle.&take it from there.(it IS their baby of course.but also youre beloved GC.) But ignore GSM who just comes on here on various different topics to stir up trouble.
did you really mean GSM ??
i've never noticed such a thing.
her comments seem generally sound and well considered.
even though i don't agree with all of them.
if you did mean GSM i think you are being unfair.
@ nannan2 - WTF?
LovingGigi i feel your pain and I am so sorry. I went through this with my first grandchild. My daughter was so protective. I believe it was nothing I did wrong, but they were so nervous and didn’t want to take any chances. Too much reading horror stories of things gone wrong on the internet. She now has 2 kids and begs me to babysit and spend time with them. I have a lovely relationship all round. It will get better, just keep telling them how they are such wonderful parents!
eazybee
"It is not the grandparents place to question."
If you are left in charge of a child when the parents are not there then you do have a right, not to say responsibility , to question if you are given an intensive list of instructions to follow.
These are families, for goodness sake, fathers and mothers with their sons and daughters and it is sad that they can't discuss these rules with people who have lovingly nurtured them to the best of their ability.
I really think ‘question’ can have different meanings for people.
To me, ‘question’ in this scenario means to get clarification. Not attempt to undermine, change parenting decisions, or argue what someone has decided for their child.
No, grandparents do not have the right to argue parenting decisions, imo. Unless the child is being endangered, hush. Too many times I’ve heard, “Well, I had x number of children…”
That’s great. But you didn’t have THIS child in THIS time. What you did then isn’t always the right thing now. The choices you made were yours. Nobody else is obligated to do the same.
If you don’t intend to follow parents rules, be honest about it. They have a right to make informed decisions about the care their child is receiving.
alchemilla
I didn't have many rules for my DM when my DC was born. BUT she always called before coming over , didn't pursue it if the time wasn't suitable, and was still working in a professional job with long hours, so her visits were few and far between. She always asked me what I wanted her to do and NEVER insisted on holding/kissing the baby or taking the baby out - and couldn't have fed the baby since I was breastfeeding. She was a brilliant grandmother and when retired a few years later was great at looking after DC when I was abroad for work and my DH was full time working, and was the best loved grandmother. I'm now a gp and hoping to follow in her footsteps - by doing what I'm told, helping where I can and waiting for time to forge the relationship.
I do find grandparents who NEED to be at the hospital or FIRST to see the progeny and get SO DEPRESSED when they can't kiss or see the baby as often as they want a tad ridiculous - get a life. As for those saying they wouldn't help out in the future because they felt deprived in the present ... words fail me. They're behaving like toddlers.
Absolutely all of this! I thought we all outgrew “if I can’t have it the way I want I’m not playing anymore ever “ around age 6. It seems not.
The irony of grandparents complaining it’s not respectful to have safety rules about one’s own newborn baby so they’re going to just lie about following them is mind blowing. Almost as bad as the “is neve offer a hand later when they need it “
Folks. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face ! I can tell you what , I’d that’s your attitude it’s likely your grown children know it and they won’t care less if you’ve a relationship with them or their children.
eazybee
I will say it once more.
These rules are imposed by people in the first days of parenthood when they have absolutely no knowledge or experience on which to form their judgements.
Fortunately most new parents are grateful for helpful advice; whether they follow it or not is up to them, but the treatment some appear to mete out to their parents is disrespectful.
Perhaps some, as they are familiar with the sort of parents their parents were have decided they’d rather pass on advice from that sort.
This us an identical list too be listed about a year ago, I remember the listing of the rules.
Their baby, their rules whether you agree or not unfortunately, from experuence I would say just make the most of any contact you do have and let them get on with it, you won't change it.
@eazybee ignoring what parents want for THEIR child is the quickest way for a grandparent to not be left responsible for that child. My MIL and her 'boundary stomping' (which was extreme) means she gets 2 (short) visits a month and never unsupervised. She's lucky she gets that much. This was the woman begging for baby to sleep at her house pretty much from birth. A lot of the time it's the grandparents wanting the grandchild to be left with them as opposed to the parents request. If you're a grandparent you have zero right to completely disregard the wishes of a child's parent. If you have raised your own child so perfectly then you should trust they are capable of making a sensible and informed decision with regards to their own baby without second guessing their decisions. What detrimental effect does it really have on the baby to follow a few simple rules?
Mamasperspective A lot of the time it's the grandparents wanting the grandchild to be left with them as opposed to the parents request
Not in my experience! But that's the point - one can't generalise because Grandparents and Parents are not 2 amorphous groups who all feel/want/ behave in identical ways*.
People create problems where they don’t even need to exist. What is the prize for pushing back on the parents? Give time and things will lighten up. No need to personalize anyone else’s parenting choices. That’s a choice. Life can actually be that simple sometimes…if you really want it to be.
@HiPpyChick57 - it's attitudes like this that put DC off letting you have much to do with their DC. What loving person would tell their child "you didn't let me kiss your baby for 3 months so I'm not going to do any childcare"? next you'll be cutting them out of your will because you were asked to do or not do something with the baby.
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