DIL posh family - advice needed

Nothing you have written seems to show that your DIL’s family look down upon you. Her family and your family do things differently, that’s all. You’ve no need to ‘measure up’ to your DIL’s family, she chose your son as the person she wanted to marry and have a family with!

If anything, her family is the one lacking in manners in that someone who is truly posh would never point out the use of a so-called non-U term.

Please don't beat yourself up about this Silverberry, you've obviously brought your son up well and given him wings to fly. For that you can rightly be proud 😊

Are you from different areas of the country to your son's in-laws? That could explain some of the language differences. If so you could explain that to your grandchildren, widen their horizons a bit!
In any case your granddaughter obviously hasn't had the "it's rude to correct people's speech" lesson at her private school yet, your daughter-in-law must have been so embarrassed by her lack of manners 🤨

You can never compete with the in-laws where money is concerned so don't even try. They won't expect it.
Small, local, good quality gifts would be my recommendation as well.
To thine own self be true.

My husband had clients who I would describe as pretty damn posh, old money, educated at top notch public schools, that we would meet up with socially occasionally, and he probably only introduced me to those who also became friends along the way. Having being primed on their background before we met, I remember feeling a bit nervous, but I can honestly say they were some of the most easy going and genuinely nice people I had the pleasure of spending time with and even before the wine flowed, any nervousness instantly evaporated. The one thing that struck me about them is that very thing, they had the ability to instantly make guests feel relaxed. These were people who just didn't stand on ceremony, I particularly remember one such client, a lovely man, lovely wife, the family lived in a huge Georgian pile, we sat around having a wonderful lunch at an enormous old battered pine table in the kitchen, he had holes in his jumper, elbows on the table, used a tooth pick intermittently, frequently told the young children of the house when they ran through the kitchen playing some game or other " look can you bugger off!" Of course they didn't take any notice. Highly intelligent ENT consultant. My husband had a few clients like that they tended to be on the eccentric spectrum and somewhat off the wall, but oh so nice, well those were the ones I met. Like every demographic they almost certainly had ones that weren't so pleasant, but I didn't get to meet them.

knowing in my heart we will never measure up to her family in generosity

Generosity isn't just about money, Silverberry. Don't undervalue yourself 💐

one of the main social class differences is expensive education. If your in law in all seriousness pulled you up about your non-u vocabulary, then it's your inlaw who is the lower class.
Money does not equal social class when people like each other, however educational level must be compatible enough.

Lounge would be sitting room

Settee would be sofa

Toilet would be lavatory but often shortened to lav amongst family, although loo has become increasingly acceptable.

Serviette would be napkin.

I can understand your irritation at the grandchildren correcting you and hopefully DS or DIL will have a quiet word with them especially as your DIL winced.

I can also understand your discomfort at the social differences but there isn't a lot you can do about it. At least they are charming and warm people so it could be much worse.

The grandchildren gravitating towards DIL's family has nothing to do with money or class but is the norm in most family set ups I'm afraid. A son is a son until he takes a wife and all that.

Quite honestly all this lip service to an assumed superior social class is just crazy. I would deliberately say toilet just to wind someone up - who cares? Lavatory really doesn’t trill off the lips does it?

Caleo

one of the main social class differences is expensive education. If your in law in all seriousness pulled you up about your non-u vocabulary, then it's your inlaw who is the lower class.
Money does not equal social class when people like each other, however educational level must be compatible enough.

It would seem it was their young grandchild who made the language comment and as such is really just children being children. Especially as it says her dil was embarrassed on their behalf

Lounge would be sitting room 👍

Settee would be sofa 👎

Toilet would be lavatory but often shortened to lav amongst family, although loo has become increasingly acceptable. 👍

Serviette would be napkin 👍

Apart from settee I'm nearly upper-class 😃

I would say you are definitely over thinking this. Continue your own way of life and don't try to change and be something you aren't. Your grandchildren would probably be closer to their mother's family even if they were the ones with less money. I'm sure your DiL won't be worried about not having a stocking. She will know that different families have different traditions. If you are worried about what presents to buy her ask your son for ideas. I'm not sure if money is an issue with the presents. When my MiL died I found her drawers full of unused gifts that I had spent hours choosing for her.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” said Eleanor Roosevelt.

On a much lower scale, we are the rich in-laws and our DIls mother not.
Despite the fact we spend more on them as a family I have never felt that money was important to them. I know our DGS loves us but he loves his other grandma too, as he should.
Life isn’t all about money it’s time, caring,.

Your DIl sounds a delightful person and I’m pleased your son has married into such a nice family. Don’t try and compete there’s no need. Just show your love for all of them. That’s what counts.

It seems like this is wholly about your perception, because you’ve clearly stated both your DIL and her parents haven’t done anything to make you feel lesser than.

The footstool? I’m nowhere near rich, but I don’t like people buying me things for the house unless I originally picked it out. Everyone has different tastes, and it’s almost a guarantee that unasked for home decor items won’t be what they had in mind.

We use couch and living room near Edinburgh. Does it really matter. Just explain to grandchild that people use different names in different areas.

Why do you need your gc to be similar to you?

You have set up a competition game in your head and creating your own problem

I've always thought that it's not what you have but what you do with it. A sentiment I voiced often when DH and I were looking for a new property!

ElaineI

We use couch and living room near Edinburgh. Does it really matter. Just explain to grandchild that people use different names in different areas.

Ditto. The same here in Glasgow.

The one word I cannot not use is lavatory. It makes me think of the disgusting, underground, Victorian Public Lavatory in our town centre, which had to be closed, due to the fact that it was being used for rather dodgy activities.

Silverberry, our granddaughter's other grandparents are extremely wealthy, but I certainly don't feel inferior in any way. My granddaughter knows we love her very much, that is what is important.

Don't they offer you food parcels, kumquats from their greenhouse maybe, pate in monogrammed dishes, broken strings of pearls, cast off cashmere and tweed plus fours? Stingy beggars.

Did you know that the word toilet comes from the French toilette? I think it was around the 16th or 17th century that British royalty refused to use the word because they disliked the French. Hence they used lavatory instead! (I'm full of useless information.)
By the way, it's a strange post for your first venture onto Gransnet Silverberry, seeking advice on a topic that always gets us going! Are the responses helpful to you?

It's no use trying to compete. Just be yourself and enjoy the time you spend with your family. With one DS and family we are the 'poor relations', with the other DS and family we are more well off than the other parents. We get on well with each other set of parents. They see all pleasant and welcoming. None of us judge each other by money. Being friendly and kind is more important.

TheBritish class system is alive and well then. Still. I wouldn’t give any of it a second thought and I am sure they love you just the way you are. They sound nice, so do you. Don’t let inverted snobbery affect your relationships.

"Comparison is the thief of joy".

Silver berry , stop comparing yourself to your DILs family.

My advice is rise above it, there's no need to feel inferior purely because your DILs family are wealthier than you.

Why do you feel that that you "aren't their sort". From what you have said they actually seem rather nice, especially your DIL, she sounds lovely.

I think you need to work on your self esteem and build your confidence.

I was born working class and spent my formative years living in a council house. I am proud of my roots and heritage but I knew from an early age I wanted more out of life. So I changed my stars.

I educated myself, acquired social skills, learned how to "talk proper" 😂🤣, learned etiquette, how to dress appropriately etc.
I can now mix and mingle with ease in any social milieu. Beggars or kings, makes no difference to me.

I've learned that money, class, gender, race, religion are irrelevant. People are just people, treat them all with courtesy and respect and they will respond in kind.

There is always someone richer, cleverer, more accomplished more attractive than me, just as they will always be someone who is or has less of everything than me.

Silver berry. Just be happy in your skin and don't let your social anxiety destroy your relationship with your son, DIL and grandchildren.

You supported and encouraged your son. You gave him wings, you have done a cracking job. Give yourself a pat on the back
and enjoy.

Sofa
Front room
Loo
That’s me totally working class and proud of it
Yes funny how we all deride other countries for their treatment of those born without a silver spoon but it’s just the same here

Joseanne toilette has a much better ring to it than lavatory. Toilette it shall be ….

mumofmadboys

No-one should judge another person on how much money they have. Best to judge people on qualities such as kindness, gentleness,compassion and awareness of others needs. Far more important

Yes