DIL posh family - advice needed

I think the problem lies with you, silverberry. Just be yourself and be proud of the way you have brought your son up and enjoy your dilemma and dgc.

Language and use of words changes in different parts of the country and with different generations. Embrace the differences.

Don't do what one of our 'other' grannies does though and never pay if you are out together. Be it the car park or a cup of coffee.

Your Daughter in Law’s family give what they are able to give, you give what you are able to ….it’s not a competition.
The grandchildren just used the words for lounge and settee that they are used to - were they really trying to belittle you d’you think?

Silverberry, you remind me of myself, worrying about things that don’t need to be worried about. !

Please, put these thoughts out of your mind, and enjoy your son’s good fortune in having a loving, thoughtful wife and family with financial security behind her as well.

She and her parents must be aware of your feelings but I feel sure that they do not think it is a problem. They all seem to be extending friendship to you.

One thing I have learned is that often people who appear to have everything actually may well have a sadness in their lives, just like everyone else. ( For an obvious example, look no further than our own King. )

The day may well come when you can offer help to your daughter in law or her family.

As for the use of words….. as I understand it…….anything goes ! (Not talking about foul language of course.)
I have never been aware of u and non - u , though I know what they mean of course. I certainly don’t bother about them.

“Cloakroom” is a good enough word for the loo if you want to be formal or “bathroom” in someone’s house.

Be happy.

Please don't allow yourself to be intimidated by your son's in laws .
Having a great deal of money doesn't mean that they are "posh".
And it was extremely rude for a child to correct you .
A well bred child knows not to do that .

If you want to employ all the "right " terms then look them up as suggested .

No need to buy expensive gifts - small items which you've made will suffice .

Be yourself .
Don't apologise .
Don't explain .

I find that the airs and graces that my daughter's mother in law puts on - worthy of a sitcom .

you have an inferiority complex silverberry..

and why would you buy a footstool for someone who has everything.

You are not alone - my son's in-laws are very wealthy compared to us and wealthier than anyoneI know in fact...

But don't be disheartened - we still take our son and daughter-in-law out for dinner occasionally and do ordinary things - we have jolly evenings even if not at - a Michelin restaurant. We love their company and nothing has suggested that they don't love us. We have warm and happy family times with them and they muddle in with our family whenever they can.

His mother-in-law and wider family don't live round the corner so we don't see them often - but they do holiday in exotic places and buy very expensive gifts as your son's in-laws seem to.
We do what is affordable, fair and reasonable to us - surely they are just doing the same!

The wealthy are just like us - people.
Don't let their wealth make you feel "less" as a person.

You need to stop this inverted snobbery now, before you allow it to drive a wedge between your son's in-laws and yourself. They are kind and welcoming and generous; you are the person highlighting differences between your families and resenting it. I would imagine your daughter-in-law winced at the rudeness of her child in correcting an adult, not at the words you used.

That's what I think too, eazy.

English is rich in vocabulary. None of it, unless deliberately rude, which settee and lounge aren't, is worthy of a grandchild's scoffing. If such a thing happens again, help her make a list of the synonyms of whatever words she has objected to.

I've got family at both ends of the social scale. I wouldn't worry about the money if I were you. There is a post earlier on about the sort of gifts your DIL might appreciate. I would say as well if you have any crafting skills, knitting or something, try making something for her.
Your GDs sound too young to really understand how rude they were being to correct you in public.
When they are older you will be able to make jokes about things. My GCs are better off than I was when my sons were little, they are often teased by my DSs about it "When I was your age I never had...."
Just try to see the person and ignore the money.

We have a slightly similar situation. Our DD1 is married to a wonderful man. We don’t meet his family often but they’re always very charming to us. When it comes to money we are more fortunate than they are but they surpass us in education and culture. They have both written books and love opera, Shakespeare, and all kinds of classical music and literature. Conversations can be difficult as we are less well educated and cultured. DH and I have developed a tactic of introducing topics which they also like such as football, cookery and the grandchildren. We suspect that their views on religion and politics differ from ours so we avoid anything along that line. They are genuinely kind people with whom we have very little in common.

While not as wealthy as your DiL's family are Silverberry, I have been on the better off side of 2 marriages. My parents were better off than DH's, my father was an army officer, DH's father worked on a car assmbly line, and we are better off than DDiL's, whose father died when she was 5 and whose mother has not remarried.

i do not think in either case, we have ever looked down on or compared ourselves with our fellow in-laws, nor flashed our better off life. In each case everyone has got on really well. and differences of income and life style have never come between us.

My DDiL, like us, is from a small family and the two families have become as one. my associate grandmother and I ring each other up regularly for a chat. My MiL, after she was widowed, spent holiday's staying with my parents. Money never came into it. As individuals there was more that united them than money could ever divide.

Yes, we can now and again provide family treats that would be beyond the capacity of DDiL's mother: holidays, help with cars. but we do not look down on her because she has less, and she lives closer than we do and has been able to provide the physical day to day help we could not.

When our DC stayed with their paternal grandparents, they travelled everywhere by bus, as their grandparents did not own a car, and experienced a good old fashioned small town life, walking to the shops, stopping to chat to all the neighbours, who would remember their father as a child. they loved it - never thought of their paternal grandparents as being 'poor' in any sense.

As for the incident with the stool. To be honest I would never risk buying anyone either clothes or home furnishings, whether they were less well off than me, better off than me or whether our incomes matched to a penny unless they had told me exactly what they wanted. Taste in clothes and house furnishings can be very different and one person's lovely sweater( stool), just right for the recipient, can actually be a colour they never wear or in a style they loathe. Money has nothing to do with it.

You have a lovely DiL, grandchildren who love you, what more can you want? Do not spoil a lovely relationship with your son's family with silly old fashioned notions, nor blame incidents like that with the footstool on money. It had nothing to do with money and everything to do with taste and that applies to everybody.

Just wondering whether there is not a bit of “humblebragging” from OP
We do not need to know how many houses her son’s in-laws own and frankly it need not indicate “poshness” except perhaps in the way Victoria Beckham had the nickname “Posh Spice” because she lived in the Home Counties and her father used to drive her to her( state ) secondary school in a Rolls.
So not all that posh cf. eg Kate Middleton
It’s all relative and “poshness” like beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I would not try to compete with her parents. If you like cooking or baking I would make something nice for them , perhaps a nice Dundee came or some chutney . Keep given the GC the fun gifts in their stockings , these will always be remembered and perhaps a trip to the panto , it doesn't need to be a big posh one, the local ones are usually good fun. Make memories with them, I can assure you these are the things that are remembered not the big fancy gestures.

No, I don't think there's anything you can 'do'. You just have to accept the fact that the in-laws will always be able to give more in terms of presents. You can just make sure you are the best grandparents possible whenever you meet the GC and hope you leave them with fond memories of you.

Silverberry
Well I say settee and front room so people can think what they like. Each to their own.
But I know how you feel. There was a time I felt intimidated by different people but not anymore. You are your own person so be proud of yourself and carry on as you are.

Just wondering whether there is not a bit of “humblebragging” from OP.
That word "humblebragging" has always seemed like a contradiction in terms to me. I do agree it might might what is going on in the OP. It reminds me of Charles Lamb's essay where the poor relation is described as being too humble, too self-aware of being a poor relation, and too miserable with it. It isn't a good look.

* might be

I’m always suspicious when the OP doesn’t respond but if this isn’t a wind up then anyone that uses the words “posh, upper class, lower class” in MHO has a fairly big chip on their shoulder.

Her DIL is from a privileged background and makes them welcome so no problem there.

The children are obviously corrected when using certain words and that’s fine, if our GD asked me for a serviette for example then I would correct her, the children probably have no idea they are being impolite.

Regarding presents then surely a magazine/wine/cheese subscription would be a great joint present, there is nothing worse than being presented with furniture, paintings etc then having to display the blooming things!

Be grateful you have a son with a good marriage and career, don’t overthink it!

What is wrong with saying serviette?

Napkin always makes me think of a child's nappy.

I'm not sure, but "napkin" makes me think more of the linen, material type, whereas serviette is more for the paper type?

I'm not sure, but I think it's the other way round.

Anyway, I use both words not necessarily specifically for either.

We have sofas and settees but we don't have a couch. We mostly go to the loo,, occasionally the toilet but never the lavatory. We have a lounge and a playroom although our youngest child is 36. I think I am confused.

i wonder if we could have an in-laws free zone on GN until next year.
oh well, i can dream.

Silverberry am I just destined to be a poor relation and is there anything I can do.

Perhaps re-frame yourself to 'GP' and not poor relation?

Nothing to do. I doubt anyone notices or cares. My GPs had different backgrounds, different incomes, different home locations.

I'd no idea until I was 16 and marrying - we bought our home from the 'London GPs' who had retired home to Suffolk a few years prior. Mum explained why our little home was available for purchase. We didn't know anything of grandparent finances as children and still don't know much apart from our home sale. Not our business.

I bet your GC don't know or care either. I'd stop worrying if I were you.

Joseann

I'm not sure, but "napkin" makes me think more of the linen, material type, whereas serviette is more for the paper type?

This is how I've always used these words. They aren't interchangeable as far as I'm concerned.

Am prepared to be proved wrong though.

Just be who you are and allow them to be themselves also.

The only difference between you and them is that they have more money than you. It doesn't make them better people (and they do sound nice from what you've written).

What counts, what matters, is who you are as a person - your courtesy, manners and strength of character. Fortunately, those characteristics don't rely on how much money you have in the bank.