Support for grandparents who have children and grandchildren living abroad

Lovely idea maddyone. Thanks

Hope it takes off Grammaretto and people find it helpful.

Thanks so muchmaddyone for starting this thread. I hope it gives support to other grandparents whose children and grandchildren have emigrated. Yes it's fine when you have some days when you don't miss them so much but the birthdays, anniversaries etc when it hits you that they aren't here to share them can bring on the tears. That's when you need support of someone who knows how it feels

A good idea Maddyone.
I am intending to take the long journey to NZ next year, does any other granny feel this way?

Thank you for starting this thread maddyone.

Our DS went to Aus. nearly 10 years ago. He'd been married for less than a year when they went and they were able to go through her work.

It was a difficult time due to having been estranged by his brother 8 months earlier which meant we also lost any contact with our only GC.

He's happy there despite the marriage breaking down and now being divorced and has no desire to return to the UK. We've visited 4 times and are very unlikely to be able to make the trip again due to the cost. We have offered to pay for his flight to come here as it would be so much cheaper, but so far he's not taken up our offer.

We face time regularly but as lovely as that is, it's not the same and I find myself constantly trying to shake off the worry that we may never see him 'in the flesh' again or if we do, it will be because one of has died.

We will make the offer again for next Christmas, but I'm not expecting him to accept. He does talk about coming but it never materialises and I worry that if he never comes, he'll regret not making the trip when, because it is inevitable isn't it, something does happen.

I miss him so much, that even face timing can be difficult and there are times when I struggle to smile and be happy, holding back the tears until the conversation's over.

Thanks for starting the much needed thread maddyone
We visited family in Australia in September. We always do the trip in one go rather then spend a couple of nights somewhere on the way. I’m sure it would be more relaxing but it’s the thought of the wait for the luggage, going through customs - out and then back in again - that seems too much of an upheaval. What do others do?

We went to New Zealand years ago 3 10 flights straight off to meet my in laws. We had 2 small children in tow and my mother. Made so welcome!
Over the years various members of the family have been over to London
The people who keep intouch now are the wives of the brothers!

That’s such a shame Smileless. I’ve paid flights for my son and family to visit, which he has - sometimes without my financing it - and I offered to cover flight costs for my daughter and family. She booked a flight but then the pandemic hit and she had to cancel. She’s not considered visiting again and it will now be 15 years since she left and not been back once. In my case I think it’s a reverse of ‘a son is a son….’

Having said that….when we were there in September, our daughter made us very welcome and with how busy her life and family have become I can understand how visiting a trip to U.K. would be difficult to fit in.

I wish this thread had existed a few years ago and I would have joined Gransnet earlier maddyone.
My child went to the Far East before marriage and had children out there.
It is a very peculiar feeling, when they first go they seem to be in constant touch and it gradually drops off.
Unfortunately, I have a fear of flying now I am older so my DH went on his own.
You see grandchildren on facetime but it is like watching the TV for them.
When they did come back the holiday had to be split understandably between the in-laws.
I have other grandchildren in England and when we are all together I have to be careful that I do not show I have a much closer relaxed relationship with them than the others. Something I hope to rectify in the future.
Thank you again I hope it helps a lot of grandparents.

Oh I’m so pleased that people feel this thread will be helpful. It’s only possible to understand the heartache of having your beloved child living abroad if you’ve experienced it. Nonetheless I still feel others have points to add to the discussion. I hope you will all find friendship and understanding here.
Smileless I know your situation from a long time ago and it is heartbreaking. To lose one son to estrangement and the other, not lost but far away, to Australia is really difficult and I can’t imagine how you carry on, and normally you are so cheerful too. I hope your son takes up your offer to buy his ticket and comes home next Christmas.
My story is different. I explained a bit on the other thread. My daughter was controlled in her marriage. I knew, if I’m honest, from before they got married, but we both tried to not be critical or judgmental, just like parents are always advised on Gransnet. It didn’t make any difference. He controlled more and more aspects of her life and in doing so caused her mental health issues. Eventually he managed to persuade her to go to live temporarily in New Zealand. He tried to get her to go to Canada, Australia, Cornwall, or Scotland first, but she always refused. Finally in Covid he was able to persuade her that they would have a better time in New Zealand, where the lockdowns weren’t so fierce. As they’re both doctors, New Zealand welcomed them, despite not even allowing their own citizens to return to New Zealand quite often. Anyway, after they arrived, the marriage quickly broke down, and now finds herself alone, without the family support she relied on here in England. He has removed the children’s passports from her house, and says they are not allowed even to visit England in future. Therefore our daughter cannot leave either as she won’t leave her children. That’s it in a nutshell.
I hope other adult children are at least happy in their new countries. That would make it bearable. You’ll have different stories to tell. It’ll be good to support one another.

Thank you so much for starting this chat, maddyone. I don’t usually post anything much although I read other people’s comments - a typical lurker I guess!

Anyway, this strikes a chord with me. Daughter in Australia since 2012 and now baby granddaughter. Middle son married an Australian who he met in this country. They have 2 boys and have spent a long time in Australia. They are now back in this country for a short while but DIL already making negative comments so I’m sure they will be going back there very shortly.

It would be nice to chat to others who understand. I’m sick of hearing how wonderful it must be to have holidays in Aus. I don’t want holidays, I want to be in the same room as my family! All of these comments from friends who see their families frequently.

Sorry if I sound negative. My friends say I am and I realise I need to focus more on positive stuff. Looking forward to cheerful chats here 😊

My sympathies maddyone, mine left England for the same reason but to escape a controlling partner. Luckily they met a very kind gentle person but it did mean their stay abroad was for many years not just the few as planned.
I hope your daughter's situation gets resolved soon,for her sake and yours.

It’s very easy for others to tell you to be positive Goldenspring when they actually don’t really understand your situation or your heartache. Most of us want to be in the same place as our family, it’s natural.

Thank you Bella. We are leaving tonight for a six week trip to see the family in New Zealand. The children are very excited about us arriving. We had such a lot to do with them until they left. This will be our second visit, but we do wonder how long we’ll be able to do it. We’re not getting any younger after all. It’s so sad though when my daughter tells me this was the worst Christmas of her life. Last year we were there at Christmas.

I’m glad your child met a kind person Bella. I hope that’s a little bit of comfort to you.

Juliet27

Thanks for starting the much needed thread maddyone
We visited family in Australia in September. We always do the trip in one go rather then spend a couple of nights somewhere on the way. I’m sure it would be more relaxing but it’s the thought of the wait for the luggage, going through customs - out and then back in again - that seems too much of an upheaval. What do others do?

We have done this journey every other year for over 20 years (until Covid!) and stayed somewhere at first but as the years went by found it better to go straight through.
Singapore Airport is the best one to spend a few hours in transit.

However, the journey does seem more daunting now we're older ☹

We did this journey a year ago and will do it again in 2024 to meet a new grandchild. We will do it as long as finances and health allow us to. It is very difficult when you have an adult child living abroad with grandchildren.

Talk about stress on top of stress! We discovered last night when we tried to check in online for our flights, that my husband’s eta, which is valid until the end of this year, needed to be altered, matched to the new passport he just received. Although he has the old passport aswell as the new one, we’re told we need to go to the airport and Singapore may accept the situation or not. What a flipping mess. We haven’t told the family yet. We may have to delay travel till next week. I’m annoyed with my husband but I shouldn’t be because it didn’t occur to me that we needed to change a valid visa to match a new passport, I thought a visa was matched to the person.

Oh maddyone, that’s just what you don’t need. I would have assumed that a visa was linked to a person. Why is life so complicated and stressful? I do hope it can be sorted out at the airport. Sending calming hugs

Although I don't have grandchildren abroad, I did give it a lot of thought as to how it would affect my own mother, when I dipped my toes in the warm waters of Australia with a view to living there.

Great idea maddyone for an ongoing support thread and hopefully a comfort to those who are in this situation. GN at its best.

It can be very quick to process the eta. Would it be worth trying anyway and maybe even at the airport you could print off the e mail acknowledgement?

That was to maddy…or are you already in transit?

My son came back here for his wedding this year so that he and his lovely bride could be married here in the UK.
I was deeply grateful that we didn't somehow have to get our whole huge family including my 99 year old mother-in-law over to America and it was the most beautiful wedding.... yet, for me, it was also inexplicably filled with a quiet sadness...
Of course, immediately after the wedding they would be off "home" again -though I can't be 100% sure if that was why...

Their leaving however filled me with a deep regret that our deceased loved ones (who would have really been delighted to see them married) couldn't be there on the day - the bride's father, all but one of the grandparents, two aunts, and a great aunt. Somehow the absences really struck me in a way that they hadn't when my other children were married. It was at once peculiar, profound, and took be by surprise.

Some things, some absences, creep up on you till they unexpectedly bind your heart so very tightly.
Sometimes it may only last for a few moments but that is the pain of loving and letting go.

Oh no maddyone. I hope it doesn't affect the ticket. On the other hand, better a week late than not at all

Such heart-rending tales on here.
We are all more or less in the same boat and it's how we deal with it that changes.

When I feel particularly sorry for myself I think about my gt grandma, who left London on a sailing ship in 1866 with her new husband, heading for the unknown -NZ. After a couple of years in the new country, he drowned and she was on her own with her baby son.
She never saw England or her family again but she remarried, had 7 more children and lived into her 90s.

My worries are small by comparison.