Support for grandparents who have children and grandchildren living abroad

Just found this site. Boy can I relate! My Grandson lives in Italy and I live in USA/Florida. My daughter moved overseas when she was 5 months pregnant. This is my first Grandchild. I miss them SO much. I thought it was just me as I do tend to be overly sensitive at times. It helps to know there are many others who are experiencing this. My Grandson is 27 months old now. He is just beautiful and so smart! They just visited us 2 weeks ago. I am very blessed because my daughter sends me a photo of him almost every day through Whats App. I kept a "calendar/journal" for his first 2 years with lots and lots of pics. At the end of the year, I had it laminated, bound and gave it to them. I thought it was a masterpiece but they just think I am crazy. We do facetime a few times a month but since he is 2, it can be difficult or quite short. Anyway, nice to "meet" all of you. Very grateful to have found this.

I am on a roller coaster of emotions T the moment. My daughter, her husband and 2 children have just visited us from Europe. I love my daughter and grandchildren very much but feel so sad now I know they are going back tomorrow. They stayed with us for a month, which was lovely except we have a small house and different ideas about tidiness. Nothing was said but there were some tense moments between them and my husband who does not like SIL st all! I feel the feeling is mutual on his side. I have a full life and am ok after awhile, but feel the departures really leave me feeling emotionally drained. My son also lives in Europe as well and is very happy there with his partner. Someone recently asked me what did do for both my children to move to the other side of the world and I now feel like a failure of a mother. Both kids are happy and love their work and partners so I am happy for them.

Just want to comment on the comment people said to you LELLY12 about 'what did you do to make them move ' - we gave our children confidence and independence to go live their lives to their fullest - that is our job as parents , you are definitely a successful mother.

I am presently visiting my son dil and 2 grandsons , I live in nz and they Switzerland, I cherish these times, yes leaving is hard but I know they are happy so how can I be sad at that .

Yes, Lelly and 65KL, I, too, have heard " why did your eldest DD move away?" In my case, the answer is simple- for love.
She, my SIL and little grandchildren have a wonderful life, speak two languages and are employees ( adults!) and citizens of their chosen country.
I am proud of their success and enjoy visiting their chosen home.
We raised strong, brave, adventurous people: well done us!

I just found this thread and it’s great to hear from others in the same situation! My daughter moved to France 12 years ago to be closer to her finance. (They met while both studying abroad in Mexico) There are 3 grands now all under 10. It’s been tough having to live so far away from them, but I’ve come to terms with it for the most part. Mt issue is with my daughter now. She expects when we do visit that I should spend more time with the kids. I love them and play with them, but also need breaks throughout the day. I can’t cram a year of grandparenting into one week or 2 weeks. Anyone else have this issue with unrealistic expectations from expat children?
Thanks and hang in there!!

Hi Savannahnana, yes, I do know where you're coming from! Ours are in NZ, and we visit every year, staying with the family for 6 weeks. Now that the oldest GS is at school, we are very useful in looking after him during the long summer holidays (we go over in January. This means that, after a 30 hour flight, we have to hit the ground running and throw ourselves into childcare from day one. We usually end up keeping the other GS out of daycare too, as it doesn't seem fair to send him in. DH in particular (who is 75 and 9 years older than me), does get very tired. We insist that, once the kids are back in school we have a few days away to recharge our batteries. Our son and Dil find it hard to understand that we need this and are usually coming up with plans of how they can all come and join us after a couple of days - usually bringing other friends and family!! They don't get that, much as we love them, we do need a bit of space and downtime for our sanity!

Please tell me this gets better! My daughter and SIL just announced they are moving 3000 miles away with our 3 grands ages 12, 8 and newborn. We have been very active in their life and able to see them weekly, overnights and holidays. I am distraught. SIL has no close family ties but we are a large tight knit family. My daughter is struggling with the decision but will ultimately go. We may see them once a year. I can’t imagine saying goodbye to them. I’m dealing with feelings of resentment which brings feelings of guilt. I don’t want to be selfish but boy is my heart aching. I just can’t imagine my life without them. I’m praying for strength. Thank you in advance for being supportive. Crying my eyes out!

Should add. They are not moving for jobs. Looking for better “quality of life” and to be with friends. Everyone’s definition of quality is different I suppose!

It is hard to let them go with love and hope for an improved future, I know. My daughter went to America in the 90s. No WhatsApp or video calls then. We visited several times then my daughter returned to UK in sad circumstances. Now my grandson is over there with my great grandson. Due to health problems it's unlikely we will be able to travel to see them now. They have a good life there and are very happy but I would love to give the baby a big cuddle. It does get easier BestTitleEver , we have to put our own feelings aside and wish them well.

Thank you SodaPop. I know in my mind I need to let them go with love. My heart and my mind are not in sync at the moment.

I know exactly what you are going through. Our son moved to Singapore 7 years ago to be with his then girlfriend- ( now wife) as they met in the UK but she had to return first visa reasons as she is Singaporean.
They returned a year ago as they thought bringing up a family and UK life would be better.
Sadly job wise it hasn’t materialised and despite a new grandson born 6 weeks ago, they have decided to return to Singapore.
I am heartbroken but also want them to have the best life.
My son assured me they will return every Christmas and we can visit as often as finances allow but I am grieving the loss of the future we had envisaged being physically close .

Barnus3

I know exactly what you are going through. Our son moved to Singapore 7 years ago to be with his then girlfriend- ( now wife) as they met in the UK but she had to return first visa reasons as she is Singaporean.
They returned a year ago as they thought bringing up a family and UK life would be better.
Sadly job wise it hasn’t materialised and despite a new grandson born 6 weeks ago, they have decided to return to Singapore.
I am heartbroken but also want them to have the best life.
My son assured me they will return every Christmas and we can visit as often as finances allow but I am grieving the loss of the future we had envisaged being physically close .

I could more or less have written your post. Our son and family moved to Singapore 7 years ago. Two years ago they returned to the UK but couldn’t settle and four weeks ago returned to Singapore. We too are heartbroken to say goodbye to them again. With advancing years we are now getting less and less inclined to travel long haul and see a time when we won’t be able to travel to see them. It’s our Golden Wedding anniversary this year and all I wanted was to celebrate it at home with our son and his family and our daughter and her family. As it is there will be four empty places now around the table.

I know we can WhatsApp, email and FaceTime but we can’t hug over the phone.

Hi, it’s so hard isn’t it? At the moment they are applying for right to return, our DIL has PR, but our son snd new grandson would have to return by her sponsoring them.
It should be possible for them to return to their old jobs.
I’m just heartbroken though- trying to put on a brave face when I’m with my son as I don’t want him to feel guilty.
I know we will have trips out there to look forward to but it’s not the same for sure.
I think we have to to be kind to ourselves though and acknowledge that it’s ok to feel sad. Sending you a hug x

Reported

Hi all, I found this site while looking for support from other grandparents who have grandchildren living far away.

My dil is moving across the country with my two granddaughters. It is unclear yet if my son (only child) will go with them. To say I'm devastated would be an understatement.

It feels like all the joy has been sucked out of my lif.. I have no purpose everything is grey. I have been very involved in their lives since they were born. Now poof they will be gone. I fear (maybe Unjustified) that I won't have contact with them. Though I've been assured this won't happen I can't shake the fear. Yes I do have a good relationship with the mom and I have helped in anyway I could. I am not sleeping and I could cry at a pindrop. I don't feel like my life has any purpose without them. I know I have to accept it. How did you all cope and did you feel as I am now. Please share

Smileless2012

Reported

Still there, Smileless, so I reported it again.
It's very dodgy.

BestTitleEver as I posted below I am in the same situation. It's so terribly difficult I'm wondering how you are doing with it. I find mornings are terrible time when my anxiety about their move kicks into overdrive. I truly hope things have gotten a little better. It was a nice to see that I am not the only one experiencing this level a grief and I hope it's gets better. Happy thoughts that you will have brighter days.

Hi, I’ve just joined because I want to find other Nana’s in my situation.
My daughter, SIL & 2 granddaughters (age 6 & 3) are emigrating to Australia & I’m devastated. They are my only grandchildren & I am close to them. We’ve hardly talked about it as a family, as I get so upset & can’t face the thought of them going. I just can’t get passed the feeling of not holding them again or talking to them f2f. I’m trying so hard not to seem selfish & have told my daughter I understand why they want a better life for the girls, but I’m really struggling & feel very low. Please can you give me some advice to make me think positively?

Hello LindMc
I am about 3years on from where you are now so I understand your feelings.
Let yourself grief for the future you thought you were going to have with your family . They are valid feelings .But you will adapt and relish in a new way to have relations with them . It isn't the same but you can have long distance meaningful relationships with your grandchildren , it may take a bit more effort but we'll worth the effort. There will be trips over there and they may return to see you too. Those times are amazing . I love my overseas family and they love me too . They have a wonderful life full of adventure and joy , that fills my heart.
One thing I need to say is , don't waste the time you have left before they leave by being depressed and glue revel in the present and don't dwell on what may be later . That is for later.
Breath them in while they are here.
You will be OK.

Thank you so much for thinking of me & taking the time to reply. I will take in what you’ve said & try my best to think positively about it. I totally get why they want to give my granddaughters a better life.

Thank you so much for starting this! I just spent an hour looking on the internet for support groups for parents who grown children live abroad and/or far away, and couldn't find one.
I am so heartbroken this morning. I know I need to somehow let go of my daughters, but I've been working on it for some years now and the grief, loss, and feeling of abandonment keeps coming back - this morning really bad - I just took their photos off the mantle so I don't have to be constantly reminded that they're gone. I need to think of them less often. Thank you again. It felt good reading others' posts and knowing I'm not alone. I have to confess that I'm so jealous of parents who's kids stay in their area. I was such a good, loving mother. I just never expected this all the years I poured my heart and soul into them.