Granddaughter is so rude

Poor child. You are the constant in her life so that is probably why she is lashing out at you in this way. Just quietly ask her not to speak to you like that when she says something hurtful or rude, then move on. Spend time with her on her own, she needs to be the focus of someone's attention for the right reasons, not because she is being told off. At the risk of criticism, I do get exasperated by parents moving new partners in and expecting their children to just accept it. Going through puberty, feeling awkward about your body, about periods, is bad enough without a 'strange' man in the house.

To get the best response/result from that age group, I treat them respectfully as people with their own rights and needs and who should have a say in their own lives.

Many make the mistake of holding children to higher standards than they expect from other adults.

Children have the same level of stress and can be suffering from the same mental health issues as adults but they do not have the emotional maturity yet to deal with it.

They need good examples from the adults around them

On another thread (post office scandal ) there is debate snout people being threatened to plead guilty or else.....
There is another side to this and the brother and sister, 8 and 11 mentioned above who both endured serious ongoing sexual abuse by their mothers boyfriend who had to endure embarrassing intimate examinations as well as having to tell police, psychologists, social workers what had happened. In Detail. No one doubted the veracity of the abuse,
I was with them in court. The charges were very serious, a long prison term was expected. To my shock in order to get the defendant to plead guilty solicitors on both sides got together in a side Room and somehow between themselves reduced the charges to something lesser,
We had no warning of this and the children were distressed and traumatised after all they had been through. I was horrified he got away with what he had done.
This was many years ago but I have never forgotten them snd still feel justice was not done that day.

Callistemon21

NotSpaghetti

Is she rude when it's just the two of you?
Or is she doing it for her mum?

Attention-seeking. Very possible.

When I say attention-seeking I do not mean that in a negative way. She sounds as if she is testing you to make sure you still love her despite her rudeness.

This child does sound as if she needs some love and attention.
You can dislike her rudeness but still love her and care about her welfare. It sounds as if she needs someone on her side.

This child is desperately looking for someone close to her who will always love her no matter what she does, the role usually played by a parent.

She is probably behaving like this to see whether her grandmother's love for her is unconditional even if she is rude.

Stick with her OP!

silverlining48

Imagine rudeness is verbal, cheeky, general attitude, the usual,
What else would it be? We don’t need detail? We surely all know what Rudeness is.

Yes, and you're a perfect example.

Why the sledgehammer comment? I asked a perfectly reasonable question and have been sympathetic to the OP. If the OP didn't want to share detail or more context then she is unlikely to receive considered replies.

😲
I don't really think silverlining deserved that response, flappergirl!

My daughter asked me to look after granddaughter when she was working. My granddaughter said in no uncertain terms that she was NOT coming to my house but staying home on her own. I tried to explain that she didn't decide .... so we fell out. She then called my daughter .... who said let her do what she wants 😬😬
I find this hard to accept .. and I was also disappointed that my daughter didn't support me .... when she'd asked me to help her out in the first place!!! Needless to say, I was overruled and my granddaughter was allowed to stay home on her own.

As much as it is hard for children to accept their parents new partners .... it is also hard for parents to accept their adult children's new partners...... especially when relationships don't last long

HousePlantQueen ..... I can relate to your comment - thank you!

silverlining - it’s truly awful to watch children give evidence, be cross examined, sometimes by multiple barristers if there are multiple offenders, only for the offender to be found not guilty. There has to be corroborative evidence, in its absence NG likely. Yes that’s terrible but it’s one reason persuading an offender to plead is what happens
Our criminal justice system is in a mess

Not sure why this thread has now become about child abuse ..... that is not the issue ..... I was only talking about rudeness from children

NannySue45

As much as it is hard for children to accept their parents new partners .... it is also hard for parents to accept their adult children's new partners...... especially when relationships don't last long

Surely it would be harder on the child though? They are having the daily upheaval?

Your poor granddaughter sounds like she’s going through a lot!

Your grandaughter didn’t want to come to your house for whatever reason so you had a difference of opinion ….is that what you consider rude I thought at least she’d called you a bad name or something ?? that's not rude it’s an 11 year old trying to be independent Just about the right age for that to happen
The mother obviously thought her competent enough to be left so really your disagreement should be with the mother not the granddaughter
Did you feel rejected ?
How many Dads has the child had in her 11 years ?

Nanny Sue you are right, do hope things settle down with your gd, it’s hard I know.

NannySue45

My daughter asked me to look after granddaughter when she was working. My granddaughter said in no uncertain terms that she was NOT coming to my house but staying home on her own. I tried to explain that she didn't decide .... so we fell out. She then called my daughter .... who said let her do what she wants 😬😬
I find this hard to accept .. and I was also disappointed that my daughter didn't support me .... when she'd asked me to help her out in the first place!!! Needless to say, I was overruled and my granddaughter was allowed to stay home on her own.

To be honest this sounds like a silly spat on all sides and I couldn't really get worked up about it. Surely most 11 year olds are capable of being home a while on their own?

It sounds like this girl is fed up with the adults making demands and decisions that impact severely on her life (divorce, new boyfriend) and she is trying to exert a little control over her life while dealing with puberty. You were the final straw and her mum (quite wisely) thought it best to allow her some space whereas you doubled down with the "do as I say approach".

My instinct would be to ignore the rudeness and shower her with attention and affection otherwise. Chat about silly and everyday stuff, to keep the lines of communication open - in case she has something bigger she wants to talk about.

Has anyone suggested child abuse? But you described a child growing up in an emotionally challenging home and who sounds upset and insecure, she needs to know when aspects of her behaviour are unacceptable - and rudeness to you is that, but as Verbena says you need to shower her with attention and affection otherwise.

Whats rude about an 11 year old saying they don’t need babysitting (she may she may not) but her mum obviously trusts she’s old enough and sensible enough
That doesn’t sound rude it sounds a kid wanting to show her independence

Sullen grandaughter usually spoilt like mine. I ignore her rudeness but it does bother me.

I think your disagreement is with your daughter who very much landed you in it, asking you to mind a child who didn't want to be minded, and then siding with the child against you. Your GD is getting mixed messages. When children get mixed messages from the adults around them they behave badly. You need a discussion with your daughter. It's fine for you to set standards but if she undermines you then it does the child no good at all. You may just have to accept that your daughter isn't going to back you up and you can't make rules without her support.

Cold

NannySue45

My daughter asked me to look after granddaughter when she was working. My granddaughter said in no uncertain terms that she was NOT coming to my house but staying home on her own. I tried to explain that she didn't decide .... so we fell out. She then called my daughter .... who said let her do what she wants 😬😬
I find this hard to accept .. and I was also disappointed that my daughter didn't support me .... when she'd asked me to help her out in the first place!!! Needless to say, I was overruled and my granddaughter was allowed to stay home on her own.

To be honest this sounds like a silly spat on all sides and I couldn't really get worked up about it. Surely most 11 year olds are capable of being home a while on their own?

It sounds like this girl is fed up with the adults making demands and decisions that impact severely on her life (divorce, new boyfriend) and she is trying to exert a little control over her life while dealing with puberty. You were the final straw and her mum (quite wisely) thought it best to allow her some space whereas you doubled down with the "do as I say approach".

NannySue45 I can completely understand your annoyance at this situation. Your daughter asked you to give up your time to care for her child and you found yourself looking like the villain.

It is however not the child's fault. At that age it is quite usual for young people to reject the notion of being "babysat" and it is a source of rows and contention in many a household.

It also sounds as though her home life is rather unsettled which certainly doesn't help matters.

Callistemon21

😲
I don't really think silverlining deserved that response, flappergirl!

I try to be kind when posting on forums and only ask measured questions, as I did on this occasion. I therefore thought silverlining's response was unnecessarily sharp. Her comment took me by surprise and, I felt, made me look rather daft.

Ironically I came here from Mumsnet which has become increasingly brutal. I am also now of State Pension age so I thought it was a better fit!

The last thing I want to do is cause offence, but I do think her response was not really on.

Your gd was not rude in this case

Even her mom backed up her decision.

What other examples do you have?

As described above it seems your granddaughter was perhaps more assertive than rude.

However, I do think that when a child’s life is in upheaval that consistent behaviour from close adults can be beneficial - especially in regard to not tolerating unacceptable behaviour. It can be reassuring to a child when their parents are divorcing for instance, if grandparents maintain the same rules and expectations as usual.