So sad for my son / Grandson problems

Oh dear. I relate to this so much. My son was a teenage tearaway and I felt so helpless and blamed myself. For his behaviour. What did I do wrong? The more I tried to understand, the worse it got and the more he pushed me away. The only advice I can give is "hang on in there". My son is now a loving, responsible family man with two gorgeous children and in a well paid job. And we have a close relationship. The son I always wished him to be. ❤️

#Cabbie, I’m so sorry to read of these concerns and I really do empathise. For several years post compulsory eduction my eldest was a constant worry for a myriad of reasons all of which kept me awake for long nights with fear and sorrow. However, as he was ‘signing on’ he was introduced to The Prince's Trust and pretty much told that he had to engage with them. They took him to India, inspired him and gave him the confidence to put his life together and he came back to the UK after three short weeks a changed person. It wasn’t all overnight but he is now a man of nearly fifty, who works two different skilled jobs so he’s employed full time. He is still a hippie at heart but he leads a responsible life and contributes to society. Maybe the Princes Trust can also help your grandson to find his way at this difficult time.
Wishing all the very best for you, your son and grandson x
www.princes-trust.org.uk/how-we-can-help

Having ben a secondary school teacher for more than half a century, I also know very well that there is more than one way to successful adulthood. Just keep loving him, help him to sort out some voluntary work (see local Citizens Advice for help finding suitable opportunities,), help out a friend in some practical activity and encourage further study in evening classes or similar. Don't expect him to do it all at once or accept advice gratefully. And patiently stick to your guns.

Loving families have rescued many erring youngsters, it needs patience & forgiveness of past problems. This is not easy but please don't lose confidence. Remember the lovely ten year old you know is there somewhere. Think of the fun you will probably have when he has teenagers, reminding his children of the worryingly errant father they have.

Really feel for this young man. Hasn’t everyone got to a breaking point at some time? I know I have and just wanted to shout and throw all my toys out of the pram. Maybe this young man is simply weary and frustrated with push push push to do well at school and then more pushing in his apprenticeship where he’s maybe being treated like a child (especially if he’s behaving like one!).Perhaps he just needs some time out? A gap year with some travelling and time to see the world and figure out where he wants to be in it?
A very difficult time for parents and grandparents but I’m guessing he just wants time to draw breath and definitely needs someone on his side. Another thing they don’t warn you about in anti natal classes!!

Your GS is not the exception, many are like him. Doesn't take away the anxiety you will have about his future. Your son is on the scene, is GSs mother there too to also give view on behaviour. They too need support in that they will be questioning why GS behaves as he does. Sorry, but I consider 19 as being an age to know right from wrong and able to figure out consequences. To lose an apprenticeship behaviour must have been ongoing as these organisations are fairly tolerant of young people and wouldn't sack him for a one off unless massively serious. Not much consolation but this may be the incident that makes GS turn a corner.

Oh, and his brain will not have developed completely yet. This is a good source about the development the adolescent brain goes through and why they make such illogical decisions from an adult point of view. courses.lumenlearning.com/wm-lifespandevelopment/chapter/brain-development-during-adolescence

My youngest son, who was generally a rule follower and conscientious, surprised us a couple of times (or more especially around alcohol) and we got quite worried for him at one point. He's now 23 and, for the most part, beginning to make better decisions. Hold on in there.

Teenage brains are not fully formed. He is still young and has plenty of time to turn this around. Make sure he knows you are disappointed with the behaviour but not him as a person. Find some good thing to praise and show him you love him.

Cabbie don't worry too much. At one time I was actually quite scared of my 6'3" son and was terrified he would end up in prison as he used to get so angry, However, he never did get into serious trouble and now you couldn't ask for a more caring and loving son.

One of the hardest things is to witness family members problems, but be unable to fix them. Adult children and grandchildren offload their problems on us, but often nothing we can do. Or they don’t listening fee do try and offer advice . It means we have to soak it all up, worry ourselves to death and feel helpless and worried in equal measures.

is there anybody that can talk to your grandson ? not yourself but somebody independent ?

What a worry. My son had a friend who was always in trouble. Bunking off school, smoking, being cheeky and disruptive, shoplifting, vandalism etc. his parents despaired of him.

He joined the Army, did about 12 years and now runs a very successful business, owns two houses, has a lovely wife and kids and is very well thought of locally both as a person and a businessman. The Army was the making of him.

From age 13 on my DD was the original wild child. Unsuitable friendships, drink, drugs, permanent exclusion from school at 14, so no qualifications, police involvement and worse. I was at my wits end with an unsupportive and outright hostile husband (we subsequently parted). I had two other children who were trouble free. Keeping it together was so difficult. All I can say is that I never gave up hope and just hung on in there, loving and supporting her as much as I could. She turned a corner at 19, I’ll never know how and is now a happily married 35 year old and a great mother to four children. I think that’s all we can do sometimes- love them, support them and never give up on them.

Are you close enough to him to have a private talk to him,this might work as a grandparent,non judgemental,he may be feeling very lonely & need a shoulder to cry on,maybe you could encourage a fresh start,worth a try.

Some lovely posts, thank you.
My son had his moments at 18-21, but has turned out to be a great husband and father and done really well working his way up in his career, which is what gives me hope for Grandson.

I found the links iccanhandthemback really interesting. Thank you.

I think you are writing this because you care and can't fix it for your son or grandson. Also writing this gets it off your chest and you can share how you're feeling with strangers. Very hard and no solution fir you or your family but passing on some love and prayers.❤🙏. Take care x

Maybe he needs to "feel" the consequences of his behaviour ...no employer, no training course no income, loads of free time but other friends are studying or working ... When he realises, he may well go and find himself another employer or course ....he is only a teenager, has his whole life ahead of him yet

Agree with Queenofssaanich69. Please try to talk to him in a totally non-judgemental way. I know from experience that the worst thing parents can do is not talk to teenagers. My parents provided me with every material need - food, a nice home, lovely clothes, holidays - but I do not remember any guidance or advice. I do remember, however, being scolded or shouted at. I was not like either of them and they did not understand me. I got into trouble in my teens and got through it by the skin of my teeth and most of it they never knew about. I am fairly certain that if you could talk to your GS and find out what he would really like to do he would appreciate it. Maybe he has realised the apprenticeship is not for him and this is his (immature) way of dealing with it. Also children/teenagers almost always respond to praise so try to dwell on his positive traits and ask how you can help him move forward. I agree that talking to the college might be a good idea. No point in dwelling on what has already happened. Good luck. Please let us know how he progresses.

Do ask your son to not be too heavy handed I don’t mean literally but sometimes men can show their disappointment in anger A bit of understanding and encouragement to look elsewhere whilst letting him know that whatever he did was unacceptable and encourage him to do some voluntary work in the waiting time (don’t underestimate how often a voluntary post can lead to a real job)

You have my full sympathy and Stephen Fry is very open about spending time in jail when he was younger and look what a success he has made of his life ... be there for the boy ,,

Cabbie, I do feel for you. Hopefully your grandson will reflect on what he really wants to do. When one of my sons was much the same age he failed his exams - in fact we later found out he hadn’t attended a couple of them and had been missing college. He told us he was bored and wanted to get a job and not go on to higher education as was expected of him. He did get a job and 20 years later has worked his way up to a very responsible job in IT which he really enjoys. He loves telling people he doesn’t have a degree but came up the hard way. So maybe your grandson needs a long hard think about what he really wants to do.

So sorry for your trouble. My brother’s daughter was of a similar character throughout her teens- stealing, vandalism, violent outbursts. She was thrown out of her prestigious secondary school at the start of her upper sixth year and was in court for attacking another teen , on a night out . This proved to be the shock she needed to help her change. She went on to university, has a well paid career , a lovely husband and is now expecting their first child. Sometimes a turn in the road can lead to a better destination. I hope this is so for your grandson.

Oh Cabbie - I do feel for you. I remember my son at 16 was at boarding school. He and a friend nipped out and went to the nearest town and visited Tesco. They nicked some booze and got caught. Their housemaster asked the police to keep them in the cells for a night. This harsh punishment was the best lesson ever. My son now says he thought his life had come to its end! They were suspended for a few days as well so came home early for Christmas. Those tough measures really paid off. It was awful at the time and I felt like you and your son must be feeling. It was the making of my son in fact - he joined the rugby club, became captain, played for the university and now has a high profile job in the city and is married with a family. Teenage boys do sometimes - in fact, perhaps more often than sometimes - have hard lessons to learn. They really need good male role models who stand firm - but are ever supportive- I’m sure your son will be there for his son. All the best and love to your family.

Had a son like this, lots of trouble, gf pregnant at 17, we wanted to help but would only listen to her and her family,they were not a good influence, age 38 now and has nothing to do with us.

Can be a seemingly impossible trial dealing with some teenagers. Tell your son to hold tight, it will get better. Whatever happens, be there for him. Did ask one of mine recently why was he such an ar$e as an older teenager. He couldn’t explain, other than it was fun. He’s now about to be married, good job, mainly sensible! Put me through turmoil at the time and probably explains my grey hair!

😢❤x