So sad for my son / Grandson problems

Gosh, some heartfelt stories. Thank you for sharing. It is comforting and encouraging.

Grandson has messed up so many times. We really hoped he would realise what a great opportunity he had with this apprenticeship and he seemed to be doing very well in the job. He just seems unable to handle the freedom that his university weeks offer. ( one week in six) Getting into a drunken fight and missing lectures is all I have found out so far.
Grandson replied to my messages and is going to come and help me with some tasks I am struggling with. Maybe he will open up to me but so far he is not communicating with his parents, but is avoiding them, staying in his room.

Oh Cabbie of course his behaviour is a no no but I had imagined something much more criminal that getting drunk and missing lectures that’s just stupid, unharnessed teenage behaviour
Can I just say maybe uni isn’t for him I know a good uni apprenticeship is every parents dream but there are other ways of climbing the ladder and becoming a solid worker, learning on the job , working his way up through hard labour There is nothing like cooling the mind than messing up and then re choosing his own route
I would really really concentrate any chats with him on his future pathway forward and not on his messing up now
I still can’t advocate enough voluntary work it’s how I got the best job ( way above my paper credentials) I ever had
OR better still a year volunteering maybe with poverty in another country doing a ‘good deed’ and seeing those less fortunate is a fantastic way of growing up and forgetting drink, when you see others suffering

I really don’t blame him staying in his room he’s kicking himself and feels he’s let himself and his parents down and doesn’t want to face anything
Look to the future and changes and try and forget this big old blip

I always thought my son was a really good lad he never brought ANY trouble to my door but his older sister has told me some stories of drink and worse that I never knew anything about however he’s been married 27 years has a very very successful life style and since leaving school at 16 has worked his way to the top

Blue Belle I am sure there is more to it than I have found out and certainly previous behaviour has been far worse.
Of course he is upset at messing up on a great opportunity and doesn’t want to face the music. I will offer ideas for the future but it will be up to him and his parents what happens next.

Cabbie21, I joined an accountancy firm with a Uni course offered one day a week. I hated it and didn't go to the lectures. Fortunately, my Civil Service placement came up so I was able to jump ship before I was caught.
The Civil Service offered me Uni or Distance Learning and I chose the latter. Did I do the work on my day off? Nope, I couldn't face the Economics so I failed the first set of exams. The second year I hated the Economics again and just avoided it. I knew I was on my way to failing but somehow couldn't do what I had to do so I threw away a promising career and left to work in a cafe. There were a number of people in my family who were horrified but I just ignored them.
Later on in life, I went back to Uni and trained as a teacher. By that time I'd had a child and I had to work several jobs to get by but I did it because I wanted to. Now I know that my ADHD impacts how I approach things so I know I have to be invested in whatever I study.

I think many young people are just not ready for more study at 18 and it is hard having to make choices not just at 18 but effectively at 14.

Cabbie21, I agree.

cabbie -don't despair. There will be light at the end of the tunnel. Young people often go off the rails and some, whilst managing to stay out of trouble, are simply late bloomers who don't find themselves or reach full adult maturity until much later. There is a scientific reason for this. It's all about brain development.

We humans do not fully develop our pre frontal cortex until around the age of 25. In males this can be a couple of years later. It is the pre frontal cortex that is responsible for logic, reasoning, rational thought etc.

Until then we are governed by the amgydala, sometimes referred to as our lizard brain. We have no control over the amygdala, its primary function is to keep us safe, eg the flight or fight response, that kind of thing.

This is why so many young people seem to suddenly find themselves in their mid to late twenties and knuckle down to getting their lives into shape.

I've seen it countless times, I was even a bit of a wild child myself.....🙄.

My second son had a rocky path but my husband and I just remembered our own misspent youths and tried to be patient and non judgemental. My son has matured into a wonderful and devoted son and is a loving and caring partner to the lady in his life, has a good job and a beautiful home.

If you can try and read a book called "Late Bloomers". It will give you a lot of insights into why some young people have a harder path than others.

Try not to worry.

Cabbie21. I really hope that when you meet up next with your grandson, you can have a good talk about his difficulties, and can be a listening ear, rather than offer advice, which he may not appreciate. I was a nightmare at 19 (my poor parents), but turned it all around, and have made a success of my life. Don’t give up on him. 💐

He is meant to be making his way here this morning but I will believe it when he arrives. I have lots of jobs I need help with so I value his help. I hope I can help him too. I was surprised but pleased that he accepted my invitation, as he is not communicating with his parents, who have gone from sadness to anger.

Perhaps he sees you as easier to talk to, and I imagine you are. His parents’ reactions are understandable but the dust will settle eventually if he behaves himself. Good luck!

He did arrive and was very pleasant and helpful with the jobs that needed his skill set. He seems to have progressed in his thinking. He has applied for jobs, including the army, and meanwhile intends to get any work he can. He has also realised that all his incidents of extreme behaviour are linked to alcohol. I think it will take a long time to repair the relationship with his parents, though.

It sounds as though he is maturing rapidly and taking responsibility for what has happened. Good luck to him.

Cabbie21

He did arrive and was very pleasant and helpful with the jobs that needed his skill set. He seems to have progressed in his thinking. He has applied for jobs, including the army, and meanwhile intends to get any work he can. He has also realised that all his incidents of extreme behaviour are linked to alcohol. I think it will take a long time to repair the relationship with his parents, though.

If your grandson does what he says and has realised how much alcohol affects him so takes steps to sort that out, his parents would be wise to keep negative thoughts to themselves. It is hard for young people to make changes and they can easily be deterred by people insinuating that they will never do it. Give a dog a bad name and all that. I hope things change for the better.

Just thought I would update.
My son wanted to know what had been said by my Grandson but I did not tell him as such, as it is not my place. I like to hope that I encouraged him to listen rather than lay down the law. It took all week for Grandson to speak with his parents but they have both reported to me separately that it was a positive conversation. Going by past experience we will have to wait and see how things turn out, but it is up to him now to put things in place for his future and get a job asap and for his parents to have less to worry about.
Thanks for all the support on here.

Glad things may be about to turn out better.

DerbyshireLass
Until then we are governed by the amgydala, sometimes referred to as our lizard brain. We have no control over the amygdala, its primary function is to keep us safe, eg the flight or fight response, that kind of thing.

Are you trying to say that some younger people have no control and no choice over their behaviour?

Thanks for the update Cabbie. I’m glad that the dust is starting to settle at home - fingers crossed that this setback will, in the long run, actually have been the making of him.

Totally agree GSM and hopefully it will be a big wake up call on the way to growing up

fancythat

DerbyshireLass
Until then we are governed by the amgydala, sometimes referred to as our lizard brain. We have no control over the amygdala, its primary function is to keep us safe, eg the flight or fight response, that kind of thing.

Are you trying to say that some younger people have no control and no choice over their behaviour?

No, it just means that they have more trouble making good decisions than we do and their logic might raise a few eyebrows! However, "some" young so find it much more difficult to control their impulses especially if they are also unlucky to have a higher level of certain hormones related to (but not specifically) higher levels of testosterone. There has been scientific research which has looked at this.