So sad for my son / Grandson problems

You have my full sympathy and Stephen Fry is very open about spending time in jail when he was younger and look what a success he has made of his life ... be there for the boy ,,

Do ask your son to not be too heavy handed I don’t mean literally but sometimes men can show their disappointment in anger A bit of understanding and encouragement to look elsewhere whilst letting him know that whatever he did was unacceptable and encourage him to do some voluntary work in the waiting time (don’t underestimate how often a voluntary post can lead to a real job)

Agree with Queenofssaanich69. Please try to talk to him in a totally non-judgemental way. I know from experience that the worst thing parents can do is not talk to teenagers. My parents provided me with every material need - food, a nice home, lovely clothes, holidays - but I do not remember any guidance or advice. I do remember, however, being scolded or shouted at. I was not like either of them and they did not understand me. I got into trouble in my teens and got through it by the skin of my teeth and most of it they never knew about. I am fairly certain that if you could talk to your GS and find out what he would really like to do he would appreciate it. Maybe he has realised the apprenticeship is not for him and this is his (immature) way of dealing with it. Also children/teenagers almost always respond to praise so try to dwell on his positive traits and ask how you can help him move forward. I agree that talking to the college might be a good idea. No point in dwelling on what has already happened. Good luck. Please let us know how he progresses.

Maybe he needs to "feel" the consequences of his behaviour ...no employer, no training course no income, loads of free time but other friends are studying or working ... When he realises, he may well go and find himself another employer or course ....he is only a teenager, has his whole life ahead of him yet

I think you are writing this because you care and can't fix it for your son or grandson. Also writing this gets it off your chest and you can share how you're feeling with strangers. Very hard and no solution fir you or your family but passing on some love and prayers.❤🙏. Take care x

Some lovely posts, thank you.
My son had his moments at 18-21, but has turned out to be a great husband and father and done really well working his way up in his career, which is what gives me hope for Grandson.

I found the links iccanhandthemback really interesting. Thank you.

Are you close enough to him to have a private talk to him,this might work as a grandparent,non judgemental,he may be feeling very lonely & need a shoulder to cry on,maybe you could encourage a fresh start,worth a try.

From age 13 on my DD was the original wild child. Unsuitable friendships, drink, drugs, permanent exclusion from school at 14, so no qualifications, police involvement and worse. I was at my wits end with an unsupportive and outright hostile husband (we subsequently parted). I had two other children who were trouble free. Keeping it together was so difficult. All I can say is that I never gave up hope and just hung on in there, loving and supporting her as much as I could. She turned a corner at 19, I’ll never know how and is now a happily married 35 year old and a great mother to four children. I think that’s all we can do sometimes- love them, support them and never give up on them.

What a worry. My son had a friend who was always in trouble. Bunking off school, smoking, being cheeky and disruptive, shoplifting, vandalism etc. his parents despaired of him.

He joined the Army, did about 12 years and now runs a very successful business, owns two houses, has a lovely wife and kids and is very well thought of locally both as a person and a businessman. The Army was the making of him.

is there anybody that can talk to your grandson ? not yourself but somebody independent ?

One of the hardest things is to witness family members problems, but be unable to fix them. Adult children and grandchildren offload their problems on us, but often nothing we can do. Or they don’t listening fee do try and offer advice . It means we have to soak it all up, worry ourselves to death and feel helpless and worried in equal measures.

Cabbie don't worry too much. At one time I was actually quite scared of my 6'3" son and was terrified he would end up in prison as he used to get so angry, However, he never did get into serious trouble and now you couldn't ask for a more caring and loving son.

Teenage brains are not fully formed. He is still young and has plenty of time to turn this around. Make sure he knows you are disappointed with the behaviour but not him as a person. Find some good thing to praise and show him you love him.

Oh, and his brain will not have developed completely yet. This is a good source about the development the adolescent brain goes through and why they make such illogical decisions from an adult point of view. courses.lumenlearning.com/wm-lifespandevelopment/chapter/brain-development-during-adolescence

My youngest son, who was generally a rule follower and conscientious, surprised us a couple of times (or more especially around alcohol) and we got quite worried for him at one point. He's now 23 and, for the most part, beginning to make better decisions. Hold on in there.

Your GS is not the exception, many are like him. Doesn't take away the anxiety you will have about his future. Your son is on the scene, is GSs mother there too to also give view on behaviour. They too need support in that they will be questioning why GS behaves as he does. Sorry, but I consider 19 as being an age to know right from wrong and able to figure out consequences. To lose an apprenticeship behaviour must have been ongoing as these organisations are fairly tolerant of young people and wouldn't sack him for a one off unless massively serious. Not much consolation but this may be the incident that makes GS turn a corner.

Really feel for this young man. Hasn’t everyone got to a breaking point at some time? I know I have and just wanted to shout and throw all my toys out of the pram. Maybe this young man is simply weary and frustrated with push push push to do well at school and then more pushing in his apprenticeship where he’s maybe being treated like a child (especially if he’s behaving like one!).Perhaps he just needs some time out? A gap year with some travelling and time to see the world and figure out where he wants to be in it?
A very difficult time for parents and grandparents but I’m guessing he just wants time to draw breath and definitely needs someone on his side. Another thing they don’t warn you about in anti natal classes!!

Having ben a secondary school teacher for more than half a century, I also know very well that there is more than one way to successful adulthood. Just keep loving him, help him to sort out some voluntary work (see local Citizens Advice for help finding suitable opportunities,), help out a friend in some practical activity and encourage further study in evening classes or similar. Don't expect him to do it all at once or accept advice gratefully. And patiently stick to your guns.

Loving families have rescued many erring youngsters, it needs patience & forgiveness of past problems. This is not easy but please don't lose confidence. Remember the lovely ten year old you know is there somewhere. Think of the fun you will probably have when he has teenagers, reminding his children of the worryingly errant father they have.

#Cabbie, I’m so sorry to read of these concerns and I really do empathise. For several years post compulsory eduction my eldest was a constant worry for a myriad of reasons all of which kept me awake for long nights with fear and sorrow. However, as he was ‘signing on’ he was introduced to The Prince's Trust and pretty much told that he had to engage with them. They took him to India, inspired him and gave him the confidence to put his life together and he came back to the UK after three short weeks a changed person. It wasn’t all overnight but he is now a man of nearly fifty, who works two different skilled jobs so he’s employed full time. He is still a hippie at heart but he leads a responsible life and contributes to society. Maybe the Princes Trust can also help your grandson to find his way at this difficult time.
Wishing all the very best for you, your son and grandson x
www.princes-trust.org.uk/how-we-can-help

Oh dear. I relate to this so much. My son was a teenage tearaway and I felt so helpless and blamed myself. For his behaviour. What did I do wrong? The more I tried to understand, the worse it got and the more he pushed me away. The only advice I can give is "hang on in there". My son is now a loving, responsible family man with two gorgeous children and in a well paid job. And we have a close relationship. The son I always wished him to be. ❤️

Is it possible that your grandson has problems with the way he is wired that causes him to be impulsive or self-medicate? I know it is really hard and I understand how devastating this might be but maybe if your grandson is struggling in the wider world, he will need the feeling that he is totally supported in his home. When we see our kids losing opportunities, it is really frustrating but our child's psychologist said that this is when we need to be the most supportive rather than angry.

It would be nice if the shock of this is the thing that makes him wake up but maybe psychological support to see him through this might be a way forward.

Oh Cabbie, I’m so sorry to hear this. When I read your post I was immediately reminded of my own son at that age. I remembered him being drunk often and my embarrassment at his behaviour at family parties. I used to dread any party where he would be there and be on edge all night.
I remember him once telling me (when drunk age 18) that he hated me and would rather live in a toilet than with me for the rest of his life. It broke my heart.

Of course, once he’d sobered up he denied it and would just shrug his shoulders. Numerous other incidents involving the police on our doorstep etc… and jobs he got sacked from.

The good news it that in his late 20’s he pulled himself together, got himself through Uni and now has a great career and recently bought his first home.

As others have said, you all need to be there for him. Don’t let him cast adrift, even at his lowest points.

Very sensible advice from Marilla, I'd go with her ideas.

My ex hubby was in a similar position he was going off the rails fighting everything and everyone he was told he would end up in jail his gran was the only one that he listened too she convinced him to join the military 25yrs he did in the army and it completely changed him or it could have been me lol his gran said I came along at the right time. I know the reasons why my ex went that way. Why don’t you try talking to him and not at him to get to the root of the problem or someone he as a close bond with never the parents. My gran inlaw was brilliant she never judged she was a brilliant listener and she never repeated what was told.

My mum was very wise and told me to never give up on your teenage children. I’ve observed how right she was many times since.

I hope he has had a short sharp shock and gets a second chance.