Grandchildren sleep over with Brownies and school runs thrown in too

I'm not sure about petrol etc unless it's a regular commitment to eg a weekly granny run of several miles or if granny is on a strict budget.
There are things we do for our grandchildren because we cherish the relationship our time together brings.
It can cost me an arm and a leg to do some granny duties because Rosie has to go into kennels if I am away overnight so that's £30 plus my petrol or train fare. I could choose not to but would miss out on the time with my GC.
I am more concerned about the "critical" OP's daughter whose attitude seems to be rubbing off on GD if she is as stroppy as you suggest. Sometimes these AC forget who brought them up! Remind her who potty trained her or taught her how to use a fork and spoon
Presumably she survived your upbringing.
You do sound as if they potentially intimidate you and would urge you to stick to "Granny's rules at Granny's house" and if GD is stroppy, then no Brownies or no TV or no treats. Or even no visits. Its not tough love just love!

Our children have grown up and seen what we are capable le of and therefore gave high expectations. If you are aging without any serious medical problems they have no concept that getting older comes with ever more limitations. These are not visible, or obvious and we all do our best to hide them and appear our normal, young, independent selves. Time to explain to your daughter what happens to us as we get older and, as others have said, set parameters for what you are willing/able to do.

I don’t blame you for being nervous about driving in icy conditions. I am too. It is a strength rather than a weakness to admit our limitations. It sounds as if your daughter is very demanding but you should not feel frightened of her. I agree with RosiesMaw that it would not hurt you to remind your daughter exactly who brought her up and that you know what you are doing when it comes to children. It sounds as if your granddaughter is a chip off her mother’s block but when she is with you l would let her know that you are in charge and will not put up with bad behaviour. Was your own mother highly critical and difficult to please? If you have spent a lifetime trying to appease everyone, this could explain why you seem to find it difficult to stand up to your daughter. As a member of the sandwich generation, I often feel as if I am walking on eggshells but nobody seems to feel that way with me. I don’t put up with bad behaviour, though. From reading some of the MN posts, it seems that many of the next generation are much more entitled than we were. They seem to expect older people to drop everything for them and their families in a way that would not have occurred to us.

I feel for you. It’s not about how old you are but about how you feel about the childcare situation. I find it difficult & it has put a strain on my relationship with my son. I feel I am never quite enough or should be more able/willing etc. Needless to say I love my GD but …..
We are all different & what’s easy for one if difficult for another.
This forum is surely for support & guidance.
Try & be strong & articulate your concerns.
Good luck!

I can empathise with you. One of my DDs can be quite critical or should I say my SIl. I would not go out in Icy conditions our village was a skid pad at the weekend so would not expect to do so for anyone else. Tell her Like you would have when she lived with you.
You are the adult you make adult decisions for yourself and your GD. Full stop if they don't like it tough.

I do feel for you, 123ish!
I do think I’d be inclined to tell my daughter in such circumstances, that if she’s not happy with my childcare, there’s probably a paid alternative. A lot easier said than done though, I know….

Now and then I help out for several days with 3 young Gdcs when dd has to be away for work - a week of that coming up soon (Ukraine - always a worry until she’s safely back) so I go and stay with SiL and children (60 miles away) in order to help. Sil is very capable but it’s an awful lot for him to cope with - youngest is only 4 so 2 different schools - when he’s also working full time.

At 74 I do often find it tiring - especially the major morning rush of getting them all fed and ready for school.

But I must say that I’d take any criticism of what I do (and have often done) extremely amiss! Thank goodness there’s never been any such thing - they (and SiL* in particular) are always very appreciative.
*His own mother, who lives a lot further away, does sometimes come instead, and she’s older than me!

In hindsight, I suppose you could have phoned your daughter and said that the roads being as they were, you felt giving Brownies a miss was the right thing to do.

Reading your posts, I feel you should tell your daughter that you are no longer willing to accept responsibility for driving your granddaughter around in bad weather conditions, or simply tell her that you can no longer do child care.

You could add that you are happy to look after the child in your home, but her parents have to bring and fetch her.

However, only you know whether this is going to cause a major rapture in the family, so it might be better to find a more tactful way of discussing things with your daughter,

No criticism here but it sounds like it's too much for you and you should stop it. Everyone is different I do school pickups at least twice per week, cover for sick time off school, help with housework laundry etc and I would never look for chocolates flowers etc from my own family. I am in my 70s but still feel able to help.

I think the problem is that our children don’t understand what it’s like to be in your 70s. How can they. I’m 73. My husband’s 76. We have grandchildren aged 3 and 5. We do what we can and it’s generally gratefully received. Yesterday my son messaged to say the children weren’t well and could we go over to look after them I gave two genuine reasons why we couldn’t, one being that I’m not well myself at the moment. We often do respond to these requests at short notice but this time I just felt I couldn’t face it. My son replied, ‘No worries. Get well soon’.

Show DD this thread? To be read when you are not there. She would need to digest it.

I think it is probably time to tell your daughter that while you love looking after your DGD at your house you are no longer confident enough to transport her about. Be firm and then enjoy the time you have with your DGD. Your daughters expectations of you are too high when you are 73?

I’ve no problem telling my son I’m not comfortable driving in adverse weather conditions, but then again I hope he’d know not ask, as I was the same when my children were young. I don’t mind picking my gorgeous grand daughter up from school we have a giggle and we usually go shopping afterwards which is always fun. My children and granddaughters are my world, but that said I won’t be taken advantage of.

We pick up our lovely granddaughter two days a week after school, take her to music lessons, she sleeps over occasional weekends and we love it. Luckily our daughter and her husband are extremely grateful. No way would I put up with criticism from my daughter.123ish you are in your seventies and should only do those things you are comfortable with,I am afraid some families treat grandparents as servants at their beck and call.

When we first came to the NorthEast we were told that no one let the weather deter them from anything. I went to balls in long evening gowns wearing wellies and wading through knee deep snow. 40years later I’ve no intention of driving in -5 conditions. Walking to the car is not an option. To leave the house I have to go up a hill ,then down a hill and up a hill I’m afraid my DD would have been told kindly that much as I love my DGC she would have to put on boots and do her job .

This person is in her 70's and should not have the stress of looking after a school child, running her here and there. Of course her daughter should appreciate what her mum is doing. I always bought my mum flowers when I visited her and she never looked after our children.

I also had a son and daughter in law who expected us to childmind 7 full days a week and when I said no they stopped speaking to us.

Until it happens to you, you have no idea what you are talking about.

Icy roads? Anxious granny?
More likely a mum who has to walk on eggshells with her adult daughter I think.
There’s a lot of it about ….

Hi there

I think if YOU Found it difficult (regardless to what others say on here )having Your GC in those circumstances then do point it out to Your Daughter .There needs to be a little more respect from her as well as appreciation …

Don’t let her walk over You …I do hope that she supports you too when You need a helping hand 🩷

I don't think you are an unusual nervy type! So don't beat yourself up if you feel uncomfortable about certain situations. I think many grandparents are asked/expected to do quite a lot of childcare duties these days. I adore my grandchildren and have helped consistently for a number of years. And yes I am finding it much more tiring. I've had to stop 2 after school pickups each week for several months due to health conditions. These are (due to heavy traffic) often 1 and a half round trips, dinner, playing school work etc. I hate icy roads but can be made to feel somewhat inadequate if I say I'm not happy driving in those conditions. I have learnt to set some boundaries. It is hard for parents juggling work and childcare and of course the current financial difficulties. So I have always wanted to help where I can. My current health has forced me to have a re-think and, although my son and daughter in law have had to accept this, I do sense some resentment from my daughter in law. But hey life circumstances change and we sometimes need a reckoning with what we'd like to do and what we can do. So don't be hard on yourself and be honest and strong by saying what you think you can do and stick to it. Take care.

oh dear! I find it hard to read all of this.

why?
cos I am at the opposite end of that,, my eldest ds, (I have two)
no daughters,, dil and eldest ds, have 4 children, so I have 4 grandchildren, I was never allowed to be involved in their lives,
as much as I wanted to be.. allowed to visit and all that, but never allowed to babysit, or care for them in any way.

what sadness some of us have..

I think it’s shocking that you’re a little frightened of your very ungrateful daughter.

You need to explain to her that you don’t like driving in icy conditions in the dark with your DGC (who does) so that she doesn’t ask you again. What a shame that it wasn’t made clear that DG didn’t need to go to brownies and saved yourself all that stress. Maybe next time you go to DDs house if that’s possible.

We did years of regular babysitting, childcare, school runs etc etc helping while parents worked - not always easy as we aged - but didn’t see much of them socially as a family, which I would have liked. Couldn’t help but feel a bit taken for granted sometimes.

i think the simpler and shorter you say it, the easier it will be.
no long drawn out, agonised explanations.
eg, i don't feel confident driving so much now, so i won't be able to continue with regular childcare .

I know how you feel 123ish, I sometimes feel that I am walking on eggshells when I haven't realised that my GS doesn't have his school jumper on under his coat when I bring him back from school, or that my GD has left her homework sheet or reading book in her drawer. They're usually in their coats but I also have to remember their hats, waterbottles and gloves in the maelstrom of children and parents at the end of the day. The mornings are much easier.
Most of the time my daughter is fine and thanks me for my help, but there are times when she is ultra-hormonal/touchy and I know to keep my head down, say only what is necessary and leave as soon as possible!
I don't have the long drives that you have as our school is only a couple of miles away by bus, but it can be pretty exhausting on the days when I do it at both ends of the day and have to wait in the cold for the bus with two fractious children.

Unlike silverlining48 we do see a lot of our daughter at other times, she comes round with the children and we eat together fairly often, at her place our ours. I do feel appreciated most of the time, and sometimes think back to the time when I had four young children and wonder how I did it all by myself with no help and a husband working overseas.

Somehow I can’t get past that she’s afraid of her own daughter! Is this a case of “elder abuse?” It does happen in some families.