Apparent Lack of care shown

If we all put our heads in the sand and just ignored family with a very ill member then it’s not fair on the others.

i’ve heard it many times “X just can’t cope with his Mum so ill” or “Y doesn’t like seeing his Dad like that”.

Many of us have been in the position of being left as sole carer because others can’t “bear it”. As OP says it IS hurtful.

Feelings are not selected. I assume that the OP here is not estranged or low contact already with her children.

When your offspring have already gone low/no contact from incidents in the past they are not going to suddenly arise and call you blessed just because you have become ill.

Just speaking of my own experience of having a busy full on job involving international travel when parents with whom you already have limited contact pile on the guilt for something else.

Thank heavens there were no smart phones in the 1990s.

I had similar a few years ago with my DD, and to be honest in many cases I do think it is a form of fear that our parents are not immortal and their way of dealing with it . I found my daughter's manner very upsetting and hurtful but I do know deep down inside she was devastated by it all .
When my mother was first unwell I can remember the same feelings of anger and panic. Maybe a WhatsApp group as others have suggested could help op. Always worth a try. May be a silly question but have you tried explaining to her that her apparent lack of concern is hurtful?
💐 for you at this difficult time.

Thank G I don’t have cancer, I’m alone, I have multiple health issues. I used to live in France, have 3 daughters, got divorced came back to uk with youngest. Who is now 40 - my middle daughter never calls or contacts me!
I also feel hurt. I try to reach out but nothing. I haven’t been to her house in France since before Covid. Never invited.
Yes it hurts. I don’t even want her crocodile tears when I die. Don’t know what to do- would just love a hug

You should just give her small, quick updates but not expect her to give a response. Some people just cannot cope with illness, especially if the prognosis is not good. I am sure I have stated that DH died of prostate cancer. My DD died of Triple negative breast cancer 3 years before. As there was no history in family of either types of cancer I trawled the internet to research especially Triple Negative. I found that there is a link between prostate and T3. I never had the courage to tell my DH the findings. My DS though do know, one having a daughter and obviously are aware of their risk. My DD was 45 when diagnosed, not old enough for breast scans but had I known of possible risks I would have been advocating she have scans, private or otherwise. Albeit very hard on you, your DD needs support too.

Some situation with my husband's Parkinson's and psychosis I mfesure son nd fighter were kept up to date with WhatsApp nd yet message I was determined they could never say to me that they didn't know It was extremely hurtful for us both I'd have been even more upset if I was their parent and not just their stepmum

I think it is really mean and thoughtless for adult children not to even ask after a parents' health, and I don't subscribe to the "it upsets them too much" school of thought.

I agree with everyone else's comments. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. My own dad's health has declined a lot the last couple of years. I can't even begin to imagine a world without him, but don't like to ask because 1. I know the question is 'pointless' because I KNOW how rubbish he feels and 2. he always says the same thing "I'm upright"! I also know that if I ask my Mum, she doesn't like to answer because she's exceptionally stoic, doesn't show her feelings (like myself) and would just say that everything is 'fine' when I know it isn't. I just give her lots of hugs! I've offered to stay with them to take the pressure off Mum, I've offered to take dad out to spend time with him and give Mum a break but he wont do anything without her because she 'knows how to do things' and he feels safe, which I get. They've been married for 50+ years afterall. So all I can do is see them as much as possible and do my best without getting in the way - because they 'have routines, you know!' As their children, having to consider a time when your parents won't be around is just the worst and as time moves on, and my dad (in particular) gets older/more unwell I know that time will come and its unbearable.

This is something i hear over and over. I do believe they are wrapoed up in their own world, many are definitely not concerned with parents. No matter how busy i was my mum was always my concern. I think they are far too selfish now.

Ydoc

This is something i hear over and over. I do believe they are wrapoed up in their own world, many are definitely not concerned with parents. No matter how busy i was my mum was always my concern. I think they are far too selfish now.

Not even sure it's that. When you're younger you don't even think about your parents not being there anymore and as you get older, Ostrich Syndrome kicks in and can't even imagine the possibility. All families are different in the way they handle life and what it entails.

1. I do agree with the child denial previously mentioned - daddy is invincible.
2. Prostate cancer comes in many forms, and some older men live with it for decades, so it may well be that she is not realising how serious your DH is.
3. Have you told her how YOU are coping - it must be very hard on you. Talk to her about his prognosis.
4. Do focus on your practical aspects like finances and wills, and if you need her help, or need her to know things, do ask for it

We use WhatsApp to inform the children of ‘stuff’ yet they worry about not being told. If we’re quiet for a while they worry but don’t say.
So I tell them about most things.
I think you having a WhatsApp would be helpful to the children and you too!

This is a difficult one. Do you have other adult children? Perhaps your daughter is confiding her feelings in them?

You need to sit down and discuss. Easier said than done!

AuntieEleanorsCat

This is a difficult one. Do you have other adult children? Perhaps your daughter is confiding her feelings in them?

You need to sit down and discuss. Easier said than done!

This is also a consideration. I have two daughters and have ALWAYS said to them that they can come to me with any problems but so long as they tell someone then that's fine. As it happens they're best friends.

SeaWoozle

I agree with everyone else's comments. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. My own dad's health has declined a lot the last couple of years. I can't even begin to imagine a world without him, but don't like to ask because 1. I know the question is 'pointless' because I KNOW how rubbish he feels and 2. he always says the same thing "I'm upright"! I also know that if I ask my Mum, she doesn't like to answer because she's exceptionally stoic, doesn't show her feelings (like myself) and would just say that everything is 'fine' when I know it isn't. I just give her lots of hugs! I've offered to stay with them to take the pressure off Mum, I've offered to take dad out to spend time with him and give Mum a break but he wont do anything without her because she 'knows how to do things' and he feels safe, which I get. They've been married for 50+ years afterall. So all I can do is see them as much as possible and do my best without getting in the way - because they 'have routines, you know!' As their children, having to consider a time when your parents won't be around is just the worst and as time moves on, and my dad (in particular) gets older/more unwell I know that time will come and its unbearable.

I think when your parents die then it can feel like you’re an orphan, no matter what age you are.
It’s the natural order of things tho.Remember they will, hopefully, have led a good and full life.In turn, your children will feel the same about you. Seasons in the sun and all that.

Four days and NannaSue hasn’t been back

The topic should be spoken about openly not swept under the carpet .. no excuse ...

I live with chronic pain, every day is a struggle, I have rheumatoid arthritis as well as other health issues. I live with my second husband and one of my twin daughter's ( 31 ) my other daughter is a single Mum with 3 children. She never asks me how I am , if I say i'm in pain etc, she ignores that . It's hurtful , I've helped her loads over the years both with my time and financially.

I shout at everyone of I'm in pain, just in case they haven't noticed.

My FIL died in hospital whilst he was in there for an operation and my MIL had not even told us he was going in.

Thay seems ridiculous to me, but I'm sure they had their reasons.
How sad, though, to go through that in secret.

My sons never ask about my health, aren't fussed about birthday or anything really. Breaks my heart but what can I do 😥

FranP

1. I do agree with the child denial previously mentioned - daddy is invincible.
2. Prostate cancer comes in many forms, and some older men live with it for decades, so it may well be that she is not realising how serious your DH is.
3. Have you told her how YOU are coping - it must be very hard on you. Talk to her about his prognosis.
4. Do focus on your practical aspects like finances and wills, and if you need her help, or need her to know things, do ask for it

I agree with 2. above from FranP, many forms of prostate cancer are not terminal, men can live with it for many years and may actually die of old age rather than the cancer.
We actually don't know from what the original post said whether or not her husband's cancer is more or less serious. her daughter may well think that it is a less serious form.

That's why it wouldnt hurt for the children to check every now and then how he is.

Even oncologists can't predict with certainty how things will be.

What does DH think about this? Does it bother him? My brother has had prostate cancer for years. It isn't unusual now, thank goodness, to live with it, rather than die from it. As other have said.
When I had breast cancer I didn't expect anyone to make a fuss, though my son was became quite remote although he was much younger.
Family dynamics are very unique though. This is something best sorted by talking to each other I think.