Daughter in law selfishness

N4nna

Why don’t you offer to have them?

Why doesn't her son? OP says he "does more than his fair share" but won't clarify if that means he has them more than 50 % of the time. Some women still seem to think that if a dad has his children for a few days, it's more than adequate because he is a man. Seems like the OP may be one of them.

Also, there’s been no comment as to if the father’s new gf has been taking care of the children on his behalf.

Weird, isn’t it, how the ex wife’s new partner is scrutinized and labelled a threat by the OP, but her son’s gf isn’t worth a comment?

Weird indeed, though quite predictable.

VioletSky

So why don't you trust mum to do that Madgran?

I havent said I don't trust her!

That's the message I got from replies...

Just wondered if the word "selfish" had an impact there

VSPresumably you mean my replies? My point has been about the OP not being being wrong to raise the question in her mind in these circumstances. But also that without further information it's impossible to know whether the concerns are valid or not.

I haven't given any particular judgement on the DiL atall per se and am totally confused as to why you got that message!

Madgran77

I am frankly astounded at the number of people who are not seeing the risks here ..... so caught up in the "over bearing" GPs/MIL syndrome and the "Dad should" bla bla.

The fact is that child abuse cases frequently relate to someone known to them and parent partners are high on the list of perpetrators....it is entirely right to question this arrangement in that context. Ofcourse it may be that there is no danger; that Mjm has fully assessed and considered all risks and knows there arent any; that Dad needs to do more or intervene more or whatever

But the Grandmother is right and proper to be concerned and she is checking that out on here!!

Does this help?

No it doesn't in terms of how you are getting a message that I am saying I dont trust the DiL!!

I am not saying that at all!!

I am commenting on being astounded by some posters who appear not to consider that the possibility of risk should even be considered!! I am saying that in the context of the frequency of child abuse cases linked to someone known to them including parent partners, it is entirely appropriate for OP to at least consider risks and not be dismissed as "overbearing" or whatever.

I am then acknowledging that the parents may well have considered and assessed all risks and decided there are none; (that would be the best scenario) Or that Dad may need to do more etc. (As I said in a later post, without further information, we don't know!)

I then repeat that the grandmother is right to ask the question/feel concern in her own mind in the context of an apparently new boyfriend etc etc ... and is asking views on here.

I, like you, in later posts say that if she feels her concerns are valid she should report them to Social Services. And various other things which you can read if you choose to. But I don't say or imply that I dont trust the Mum!!

Allsorts
Two young children left with a virtual stranger - IS he a "virtual stranger"?

NotSpaghetti

Allsorts
Two young children left with a virtual stranger - IS he a "virtual stranger"?

No idea!

Madgran

It was a strong reaction

VioletSky

Madgran

It was a strong reaction

VS I have no idea which "reaction" you are referring to but whatever! 🙄

Madgran are you ok?

I was just curious

VioletSky

Madgran are you ok?

I was just curious

Ofcourse I'm ok! Nothing I have said suggests I'm not! I suppose you might choose to interpret my bothering to clearly explain my post that you quoted and appeared to have completely misunderstood ame " not being ok" but that's up to you!

Curious about what? Honestly "VS* I have been wondering the same thing about you after this daft quoting of my post that said nothing about what you "had an impression" it said!

But as I said previously, whatever!!

As always, sensible and thoughtful posts Madgran. Like you I'm shocked TBH that some responses are critical of the OP for having and expressing here, her understandable concerns about the welfare of her GC.

I hope the OP's mind has been put at rest. It was a great idea from NotSpaghetti to make use of 'Sarah's Law* and maybe her son has done so. If he's happy with the current arrangement that will help her to be happier too.

I'm less than convinced her concern for her grandchildren outweighs her disdain for her DIL. Most people concerned with the grandchildren would lead with that. As it happens, the title is about how selfish her soon to be former DIL is. Interesting that the OP has so many details on her DIL's personal life. You'd think she were a confidant of the young woman, who had to have provided her a full monthly agenda on her social life with the way the OP seems to "know" so much.

Hopefully, the OP's son can take the lead and fully address any concerns there may be surrounding his offspring. The Op mentioned him so little in her posts, you have to wonder if he is nearly as "concerned" as the OP at all.

I've already commented on the unfortunate thread title but Phillips does have some valid concerns and questions which include why she doesn't arrange weekends away and nights out when the children's father and/or GP's are looking after them.

It's really more of enlightening than unfortunate title

I really don't understand what the point is of carrying around that sort of ill feeling... It doesn't serve anyone

MILs that cannot keep their personal feelings/opinions of DILs (ex or not) under wraps often end up fully estranged and then wonder why

Think yourself lucky, my dd would leave her son with anyone, friend, latest boyfriend, elderly relatives etc. He was only a few months old when this started. The baby's dad didn't step up. I was horrified to hear thar my gs was being passed to anyone who would have him, for many hours, overnight etc. I tried to talk to my own dd about this, but she continued to do it anyway. In the end, 8 said I'd have him whenever she needed and she completely took advantage. Sometimes you have to balance how much you challenge things with what effect it would have on you if you helped out. Having said that, it is your son who should be taking charge, and hopefully he is prepared to do that so his children are safe.

Depends what those personal feelings/opinions of their d's.i.l. are, we often see very positive posts from m's.i.l. about their d's.i.l.

I take your point though VS and if some d's.i.l. kept their negative personal feelings/opinions of their m's.i.l. to themselves, there may also be fewer estrangements.

Smileless that whataboutery belongs on a different thread to this one

VioletSky

Smileless that whataboutery belongs on a different thread to this one

This. On THIS thread, the MIL is interring and offering opinions on something that has absolutely nothing to do with her. I don't know one positive situation where a MIL keeping tabs on her soon-to be former DIL's personal life ever resulted in an easier life for anyone involved.

Oh so the welfare of her GC has nothing to do with her, really!!!

Why do you think she keeps tabs on her d.i.l. SingcoTime? How do you know that this is what her GC, especially her 9 year old GD isn't telling her without any prompting or questions from the OP?

You don't know, neither do I but just because this is the paternal GM expressing her concern I don't assume it's because of a dislike of her d.i.l. and for no other reason.

What doesn't belong on this thread VS is estrangement. This is not an estrangement issue.

Smileless

Grandchildren also estrange and many times adults do not give children enough credit

Creating an unkind rift with the mother places that relationship in jeopardy

So yes, it belongs here because the best way to have a good relationship with the grandchildren is to have a good one with the parents... Both of them

In the context of this thread, it belongs

Smileless2012

Oh so the welfare of her GC has nothing to do with her, really!!!

Why do you think she keeps tabs on her d.i.l. SingcoTime? How do you know that this is what her GC, especially her 9 year old GD isn't telling her without any prompting or questions from the OP?

You don't know, neither do I but just because this is the paternal GM expressing her concern I don't assume it's because of a dislike of her d.i.l. and for no other reason.

What doesn't belong on this thread VS is estrangement. This is not an estrangement issue.

I don't anyone who knows this much about the life of anyone who doesn't sit and report directly to them their activities.

Your "possible" explanation is that she may have been getting the run down on her DIL...from a 9 year old child. That's supposed to be a rational justification for the OP judging her DIL and bashing her online as a mother? It's not just a paternal grandmother addressing her concerns and I'm not going to reduce the negative attitude of the OP toward her DIL to a grandmother simply being concerned. Truly concerned family members deal with their concerns in real life by real means, not come to the internet to lament the fact that her DIL has a boyfriend, a social life, and a career. Some women think it's still acceptable to judge other mothers, especially when they've upset their darling baby boys. "I just wish she would put the children first". Really? Talk about sanctimonious. The OP herself is living up to the nightmare MIL stereotype. No one forced her to write what she wrote. I will not get past the title because she herself justified her disdain in her follow-up posts.