Daughter in law selfishness

Plenty of amazing step-parents out there

Allsorts

What’s the matter with people on here. We don’t know why the father can’t have the children what his is job anything. Two young children left with a virtual stranger is worrying. Not all parents are good parents, it’s the children that matter. A lot of children are failed by their own parents.I would never leave my young children with anyone I didn’t know really, really well like my mother, sister or best friend to do so is it responsible.

Agreed. And the same standard set for the father’s new gf as well.

I believe it’s called Right of First Refusal in courts here. Basically means if a parent isn’t available during their parenting time, then the other parent is offered to have the children before extended family/partners/babysitters.

If dad refuses to have the kids during that time, then it’s on mom to make childcare arrangements.

I wouldn't count someone who is new ish on the scene as a step parent.

How long?

What is the standard before the children are safe to be left alone with a new partner? Because it is not never is it? No one does never

So what is the number of months or years until we trust a man alone with children or grandchildren?

I know 2 single fathers whose children are friends with mine, play dates and sleepovers are completely out are they?

What are the rules here exactly?

VioletSky

How long?

What is the standard before the children are safe to be left alone with a new partner? Because it is not never is it? No one does never

So what is the number of months or years until we trust a man alone with children or grandchildren?

I know 2 single fathers whose children are friends with mine, play dates and sleepovers are completely out are they?

What are the rules here exactly?

And that’s the thing: I married my husband less than a year after we met. We were living together before the wedding.

I’m sure there are those that absolutely would’ve clutched their pearls and tutted behind their hands about it, but 21 years later? Ha.

He hasn’t ‘stepparent’ in many years. He adopted our daughter at her request.

That's lovely!

The rules are the parents' to make.
One would hope that they make the right ones and it all works out ok, but obviously there comes a time when it will happen.

In my case, not after a couple of months, and I would be concerned if it was my grandchild.

The main concern here is that DIL is "selfish"

So we agree that DIL is selfish?

Do you?
I haven't agreed with it.

Neither have I MissA. It was an unfortunate choice for the thread title because surely it's the welfare of the children that's paramount, not whether the OP and anyone else thinks her d.i.l. is selfish.

Yes, should have been "do"

Yes, we seem to have wandered far from the original point of the thread.
So far, I'd forgotten about the "selfish" part.

When I met my husband back in the 90’s, I had an almost 9 year old son, he had a 10 year old daughter. I’d never taken a man home or introduced any dates to my son (I was a single mum from my sons birth, and worked full time and met my husband at work)

He did move in but after a year, though stayed over on a number of occasions before this. Almost 30 years later we share 3 more children.

She isn't selfish, I hope OP can keep a positive relationship with her

VioletSky

She isn't selfish, I hope OP can keep a positive relationship with her

I completely agree

Yes, I agree too.

* VS I was answering you. Because this mum has a partner who is about as likely to be abusive as grandparents or anyone else which is something most parents are aware of*

Ok! Well yes absolutely ...but in this context the GM is concerned about a "new"(??) Boyfriend being left alone with them etc.

My comment was purely linked to some posters who were apparently dismissing her even raising the question in her mind when it is valid to do so although not enough information is given to judge how valid it is (if you see what I mean!😏)

We have no real idea how valid the concerns based on present information but the concern as a question are appropriate to consider in this context.

I also think it is unfortunate that OPs concerns appear to be mixed up with other feelings re DiL ...although her concerns may be partially linked to being unsure about safety of DiLs judgements based on past experience. Who knows.

We just dont know without more info and I'm not sure that is going to be forthcoming!

Hope they get things sorted

VioletSky

How long?

What is the standard before the children are safe to be left alone with a new partner? Because it is not never is it? No one does never

So what is the number of months or years until we trust a man alone with children or grandchildren?

I know 2 single fathers whose children are friends with mine, play dates and sleepovers are completely out are they?

What are the rules here exactly?

Entirely depends on the individuals involved; personalities; experience; abilities; understanding etc ... not on a set, across the board, number of years.

The "rules" are about careful judgement by parents in their particular circumstances with the step parent involved ...although their personalities, behaviours etc are also relevant in terms of their ability to make correct judgements for their children ...which is for Social Services to judge when relevant

Re "selfish" ...on information given then I think not particularly ....unfortunate title and as said previously does potentially suggest that concerns re boyfriend and views of DiL are getting mixed up for the OP which isnt helpful for her when she is trying to work out validity or otherwise of concerns and whether to take forward or not. 😥

Allsorts

What’s the matter with people on here. We don’t know why the father can’t have the children what his is job anything. Two young children left with a virtual stranger is worrying. Not all parents are good parents, it’s the children that matter. A lot of children are failed by their own parents.I would never leave my young children with anyone I didn’t know really, really well like my mother, sister or best friend to do so is it responsible.

Correct. Not all parents are good parents. Amongst those not so good parents: Fathers who find excuses as to why they just can't step in for their children and fight for them. But as usual, we have apologists who downplay a father's responsibilities to pile on the mother. The standards are thankfully very different today from what is expected of fathers vs yesteryear. He is 50% responsible for his children whether he is taking on that 50% or not. Who isn't responsible? His mother.

Madgran77

Re "selfish" ...on information given then I think not particularly ....unfortunate title and as said previously does potentially suggest that concerns re boyfriend and views of DiL are getting mixed up for the OP which isnt helpful for her when she is trying to work out validity or otherwise of concerns and whether to take forward or not. 😥

Agreed. And this is not to say I personally would approve of a parent leaving a child overnight or to sleep in the same bed with a non-parent, especially a new lover. But I am not going to call the DIL names and judge the situation as dangerous with the limited information we have. The OP's focus on her DIL leaves me less than confident that she has an unbiased opinion on the situation. It's always worrying when I see a grandparent bash the other parent while barely mentioning the responsibility of their own son/daughter.

So why don't you trust mum to do that Madgran?

Why don’t you offer to have them?

If the daughter in law had a new female friend of several months would it be ok if she looked after the children?

I wouldn't have allowed it without really, really thinking I'd known them long enough.