Daughter in law selfishness

Above all I just want to know how this OP appears to know the ins and outs of a ducks bottom about her ex DiL’s personal life?

I think we should take it on trust that the OP’s concerns are justifiable, and not assume that her opinion of her DIL is vindictive or her involvement “nosy”.

She can hardly explain her reasons for worrying about her grandchildrens’ welfare without outlining her DIL’s behaviour. If she didn’t, many of us would be asking her for more information.

The OP’s anxiety seems reasonable to me. Prejudice against MILs seems to dictate many of the responses on here, when helpful and constructive advice is needed.

Smileless2012

Why would you ask it of GP's for goodness sake? You know your children's GP's; you know of they're safe. You'd know of they weren't and wouldn't leave them in charge of your children.

The only babysitters we ever used were friends we'd known for sometime with children of their own and family.

I wouldn't recommend leaving children with a boyfriend of only a few months VS and I wouldn't have done so.

Because abuse is most often perpetrated by people who are family and known to you?

Prejudice against MIL's seems to dictate many of the responses on here, when helpful and constructive advice is needed twas ever thus unfortunately Delila.

That’s the point Summerlove, because abuse if most often perpetrated by people who are family and known to you

These children are in the process of understanding their parents no longer live together. Both parents have new girl/boy friends that is intimate not just friendly relationships. The lives of these children have changed in major ways.

If mum’s boyfriend has been around 4 months, imo that’s too early for him to stay over, sharing mum’s bed if the children are there. Same goes for daddy’s girlfriend.

We teach our children about boundaries in relationships by the way we love them.

I’d be concerned about a man (with no children especially) who was happy to care for his new girlfriend’s children so early in a relationship , except maybe in an emergency. I’d certainly feel concerned about personal care. We are teaching children safe people, safe touches etc then leaving them unsupervised with someone they scarcely know
Safeguarding/emotional stability needed

Yes Smileless, DILs too, to be fair, but in this case it’s MIL. It’s so predictable, and gets in the way of so many constructive discussions. So many preconceptions.

I don’t think that there’s prejudice on this site towards ANYONE, DiLs, MiLs etc etc etc

To me, and this is only my opinion, this OPs hostility towards her DiL comes across just as much as her genuine and understandable anxiety about her DGC.

We didn’t need to know about her adultery at all, it’s irrelevant.

We don't need to be considering anything else, except - are the children being appropriately safeguarded.

Cossy

Above all I just want to know how this OP appears to know the ins and outs of a ducks bottom about her ex DiL’s personal life?

Why is that information relevant? Family members talk to each other, or witness things themselves. The information is provided to explain the OP’s concerns for her GC’s safety.

Seems odd that people who are MILs and DILs would be accused of prejudice?

Not logical

The OP title set the tone here, not who was responding

Delila

She’s not a family member anymore, so she’s clearly not telling her ex-MiL, so the only one who can be telling her is her son, who is biased, these two are in the process of divorcing, both already seem to have new partners, if anything I’d say neither of these parents appear to be putting their children first and we’re just hearing one side of the story

VioletSky

Seems odd that people who are MILs and DILs would be accused of prejudice?

Not logical

The OP title set the tone here, not who was responding

Seems we are the two here who think this

I agree it’s an unfortunate title, but it doesn’t take much imagination to see that her grandchildrens’ safety is her primary concern and, not surprisingly, that’s based on what she knows about the overall situation. It would be negligent of her to ignore what she knows. How she knows what she knows isn’t our concern, is it?

VioletSky

Have we been left with any reasons to distrust this ex DIL to do that?

No not per se.

But the actual scenario makes raising questions in one's mind and considering possibilities is perfectly valid. ( Absolutely, a lot of irrelevant info. about DIL is maybe clouding things but that does not diminish the validity of considering possibilities based on gge scenario)

As previously suggested by a lot of different posters possible routes to get advice; help etc are Sarah's Law; Social Services IF the OP decides that's the way to go.

Delila

I agree it’s an unfortunate title, but it doesn’t take much imagination to see that her grandchildrens’ safety is her primary concern and, not surprisingly, that’s based on what she knows about the overall situation. It would be negligent of her to ignore what she knows. How she knows what she knows isn’t our concern, is it?

Exactly Delila. In this context the consideration of possibilities is totally valid.

Cossy. To me, and this is only my opinion, this OPs hostility towards her DiL comes across just as much as her genuine and understandable anxiety about her DGC. We didn’t need to know about her adultery at all, it’s irrelevant.

No we didnt, it IS irrelevant. But regardless the concerns raised are valid in this context to be considered.

That aspect has been fully covered

I think it's a good idea to get ex MIL on board with helping her son co-parent well for the children's sake and this is going in the wrong direction sadly

You don’t know that VioletSky.

Hmm... Well, the signs aren't good

What signs?

Anyway, focus on the OP’s justifiable concerns, and not on the opinion you’ve formed of the OP.

MercuryQueen

I’m not familiar with the UK school set up, I assumed that half term was like our March break, simply a week off of school?

Unless half term only applies to boarding schools, then Mom still had the kids the majority of the month, 18 days to his 11.

I’m not clear on if he took vacation or if the kids were in a program due to being off school, so I’m not sure there’s a difference between them being in school or not.

If you don't understand the UK school set up why are you commenting? The poster's point was that the father had them for the most difficult days of the month ie when they needed looking after and entertaining ALL the time. Very different from having them when they are out of the house at school for most of the day.

Shared custody is always hard but I don't think from what we have been told so far that Dad isn't doing his fair share of parenting. It does of course depend on what arrangements have been made and whether the courts have been involved.

IMO it is a disgrace that grandparents have no rights as regards their grandchildren in this country. They can be such a stabilising force in children's lives, especially when their parents split up.

All aspects have been fully covered ...as in ...:
* validity or otherwise of concerns raised
* invalidity or otherwise of points made about DiL
* where MIL gets her information from
* MiLs dislike or otherwise of her DiL
*Sons role or otherwise in his children's welfare
*MiL co parenting with her son, "well"....

OP appears to have given up engaging. Dont really blame her. Hope things et sorted in the best way for the children.

Yes, I hope so too, Madgran. I do think that is the OP’s overriding concern.

Delila

What signs?

Anyway, focus on the OP’s justifiable concerns, and not on the opinion you’ve formed of the OP.

Please explain what authority you have to issue this instruction

@GrannyRose, that’s why I was asking if half term is the same as our March break.

An OP never said if her son took vacation days or the children were in daycare.

Either way, one of the parents needed to manage it, no reason it couldn’t or shouldn’t be their dad. And the last thing kids need, when having their time split between their parents and two homes is a third or fourth or fifth party they’re supposed to further split their time with. The parents are perfectly capable of ensuring that their kids have access to extended family relationships without courts ordering it.

OP, if your son is concerned about the safety of his children and already has them the majority of the time, then he should go back to court and request primary custody.