DIL Pushing Me Away

Supervised visits may be for an interim period only grannys and while I understand you being upset, it really is better than not seeing your GS at all.

As has been said, there's no shame in having counselling especially with all that you have been through. Try not to see it just as a means to see your GS but as something positive for you too, so you can begin to deal with your grief .

Thankyou for the update. I am not familiar with US law but the wording seems clear. Please can I ask you to spare a thought for what your DiL has been going through on top of her grief over losing her husband. She has had to initiate this order against you at a time when your support was needed. You are both grieving and the poor little boy will be confused. Please try to spare a thought for the others involved in this. And if counselling is what is needed then please have it. I do wish you well and hope you reach some sort of understanding with your DiL.

I'm afraid there is not much you can do

Once a cease and desist is issued that means any unwanted contact can be used as evidence for a restraining order. This can include contacting third parties.

The relationship has broken down. It might go easier for you if you view the "demands" as boundaries and genuine concerns held against you. Work will be required in order to regain the contact you desire

Have you ever suggested you would take a legal route to see your grandchild? Could this be addressing that? That can often be the straw that breaks the camels back in these situations... Because sometimes it can be seen as an attempt to control the situation and overule the parents if the work has not been done to address any issues beforehand.

I truly hope you can seek some help. There are many charitable organisations that offer counselling. I think you need a more objective view of the situation here from a qualified source

Hithere

A cease and desist was sent to indicate your very frequent contact and requests are unreasonable.

What is next if you dont stop your unreasonable expectations- restraining order request

Do go to therapy. You need it.

Yes this. Sometimes churches and other community try organizations offer grief counseling at a low cost rate as well. There’s no shame in needing counseling given what’s happened but it’s clear you do. And obviously your requests and demands have been deemed unreasonable by your dil . So it’s important to recognize they are being received that way and change course. She’s ever right to start her life over for herself and her son however she needs to. She’s offering , even with a cease and desist order , a chance for you to be a part of that life. Don’t waste it.

A cease and desist was sent to indicate your very frequent contact and requests are unreasonable.

What is next if you dont stop your unreasonable expectations- restraining order request

Do go to therapy. You need it.

It's so soon, considering your great loss, but maybe, possibly there is some way through this for you.
I do hope so.
Could you possibly afford any counselling at all?

I have taken time to read your comments. It seems as though many of you may have been right, as yesterday I received a cease and desist and a “demands” letter from a lawyers office secured by my DIL that outlines terms and conditions upon which I am to see my grandson, including supervised visitation once therapy is completed. I cannot understand supervised visits, I’m not a threat to my grandson. I attempted to reach her many times prior to this letter and pleaded to her mother for updates but was met with no response. She is demanding therapy, but I don’t have extra for that so, like the flying, just another way to look good while knowing it won’t happen. I had a great relationship with my MIL while my son grew up so I didn’t find my request to have them refurbish their part of the home and stay with my unreasonable as many of you have mentioned. My DIL has never seemed to embrace me the way I embraced my ILS.

To answer some more questions::
1. My son was helping me back on my feet while I recovered from surgery
2. My husband passed last June
3. My son passed in March
4. My grandson is 3.5

I think all the comments here are meant in kindness and a good message for everybody with sons ( I have 3 adult sons I adore ) . Best wishes to the poor bereaved op and sorry it’s so hard for you 🌸

All very, very true.

I'm so sorry for your loss, it must be completely overwhelming for you as that's what comes across in your post - absolute panic and feelings of abandonment.

How old was your son and what was your relationship like with your daughter in law prior to your son's death? How old is your grandson?

Obviously everything has changed now primarily for your DIL and her son, she needs time and space to try and make the right decisions for her and your grandson - imagine being in her shoes right now. Imagine losing your husband when you had a young child - the tendency to seek support from those closest to us is our own choice and others have to respect that. No doubt if your DIL had died (god forbid) then your son and grandson would have come to you - or he would have chosen to carry on his life where he was. As adults they make their own choices and parents expectations are just that.

Please be kind to yourself - things have changed beyond measure and it's still very early days. You need time to heal and adjust which is a mammoth task when you lose someone you love.

I cannot understand why you assumed that [1] the daughter in law would split the insurance [2] she would want to move in with you [3] she would continue the monthly stipends your son gave you [4] she would consult with you before selling the house [5] she should not move closer to her maternal family [6] she would entrust her son to you and not her own parents / keep him with her while she made funeral arrangements [7] she made the offer of flights because she knew you wouldn't take it up, etc. You are saying that her family is overbearing; but, on the other hand, your attitude obtains because you are wanting to keep close to the grandchild. Is is not the daughter in law who is doing the pushing away.

I know you are grieving but you are really confusing support with control. Support is encouraging loved ones to live the way they want and need to. Control is telling them what’s best for them based on your own needs. Your grandson is not your son, his life is up to his mother. They have their own lives and needs. I suspect if you keep up this behavior you will not receive visits from them. If you are gracious and loving of her life choices you will get to visit him. Real love means letting go sometimes, and it will usually come back to you when you loosen your grip. Make some friends and gain a fulfilling life of your own. It’s not your family’s job to make you happy and fufilled and have it however you want. Cruel? Truth can be. I am sorry for your loss and wish you well.

Sorry for your loss - I think some time to yourself to grieve would be a good thing, give yourself time and I’m sure your dil will eventually get in touch for you to see your grandchild again. Please remember she is also grieving you both need time.

I have to agree with all the comments - they are not cruel at all - as someone said simply ‘realistic and honest’ You have been doubly bereaved - your husband and son- and I believe your only family? This would be devastating for any of us as it is for you and I believe your DIL understands this - she sounds a very kind person - however, your son’s life insurance is for his immediate family. It is perfectly natural for your DIL to want and need to be with her parents when she has lost her husband. You are both in the throes of grief- it will pass but you must in due course, try to rebuild your own interests and life. Your future happiness cannot depend on your grandson. He is your DILs child, not yours. We bring up our children to develop wings and fly - they find their jobs, their partners, have their own families and we hope to maintain good relationships with them all. As grandparents we hope to help if possible, and be involved but we are secondary to their lives- we have to step back - give advice if asked or just keep mum otherwise. Your DIL has been so kind and thoughtful to you - even in her own grief - maybe some counselling might help you through this desperately sad point in your life? I do feel very sad for you - it sounds too as if you have a good deal less in terms of assets and money than your DILS family, which may make you feel even more fearful and isolated. Please do try to find someone to help you- you sound lonely.

Oh dear OP I think you have a lot of thinking and, eventually, bridge building to do. Please think long and hard about your future relationship with DiL and GS. She is offering you monthly contact and if you apologise for the way you have behaved you will have that joy for many years to come and the link with your son will not be broken. Please, please think about this, for your sake and theirs.
I am deeply sorry for your loss.

My apologies for the typing errors. I do wish there was an edit option for such times!

I don’t think anyone here hasn’t expressed sympathy for her situation at all. To the contrary I believe all have. But we are also expressing sympathy for her poor dil, whom has just been unexpectantly widowed at such a young age, and with a nursery school aged child who has lost his father, both of whom op seems to have lost sight of by her own grief. It’s as if she feels her en grief so strongly she can’t fathom the magnitude of her dils grief and it will be to her detriment to continue on this path. Those who have pointed out where’s gone wrong seem to have done so in an attempt to shake her straight, and help her to get back on good footing before she does lose contact with her dil and grandson. If this was your friend telling you all this over tea wouldn’t you be gently trying to help them see where they’ve gone astray? That their requests and desires here are completely unreasonable ? It doesn’t even have anything to do with “well a sons a son until her takes a wife” as many suggest. If her dil had suddenly passsed would she think it was reasonable for her dils family to expect her son and grandson to have moved in with them etc? Or would theogical step have been for him to want to be nearer his own family? She’s allowing. Her grief and desperation to be near her grandson cloud her judgement horribly and it’s pushing grandson and dil away, not thr other way around. She needs to apologize and back off quickly before those consequences are lasting.

semperfidelis

granny123 - I agree, some people on this thread are being incredibly cruel and insenstive. An example is one of us announcing YOU ARE WRONG on four different occasions in her post.
Grief affects people in many different ways, and I don't think any of us knows how we would react in these circumstances when everything is so raw. Why do some feel the need to judge her so harshly?

Because there are three bereaved people in this story, all grieving and one of them is behaving very badly.

semperfidelis

granny123 - I agree, some people on this thread are being incredibly cruel and insenstive. An example is one of us announcing YOU ARE WRONG on four different occasions in her post.
Grief affects people in many different ways, and I don't think any of us knows how we would react in these circumstances when everything is so raw. Why do some feel the need to judge her so harshly?

Perhaps because not one of us would dream that the widow owed us anything at all? Perhaps because the widow did attempt to be kind? Perhaps because the widow will estrange if OP doesn't stop her entitled behaviour?

granny123 - I agree, some people on this thread are being incredibly cruel and insenstive. An example is one of us announcing YOU ARE WRONG on four different occasions in her post.
Grief affects people in many different ways, and I don't think any of us knows how we would react in these circumstances when everything is so raw. Why do some feel the need to judge her so harshly?

My goodness, how rude, asking for a share in the insurance money. That's for your DIL and grandson, to do whatever they wish with.
I don't blame her for wanting to be nearer to her family. I would in a grief stricken time like this.

The old saying is very true:
'A daughter's a daughter all her life and
' A son's a son until he takes a wife'

I'm afraid this is the hand you have been dealt.

Aw dear it’s sad when a loved one passes away even more so if it’s unexpectedly, but I agree with the other comments. My father died in very unusual circumstances which lead to some his family demanding they were compensated for his loss, we never saw them again. My mum really struggled to cope with grief and died a few years later. If you can’t show kindness and compassion say nothing

I can understand how sad you feel at losing your son, but I think you need to stand back and think carefully about where you go from here. You could end up with no contact at all with your grandson if you carry on the way you are doing. As others have said the insurance is for his wife and child, and making an assumption that she would do up your house and then live there with you is not realistic at all. My first husbands mother behaved in the same way. My husband was offered a job way up in Scotland shortly after we married. I said that he should decide if the job was what he wanted and I was prepared to go anywhere with him and that he should think about it and I would not put any pressure on him either way. Later that day I overheard my mil talking on the phone to her sister telling her how she had said he couldnt go and leave her so far away etc etc. He did not take the job but a few months later he was offered another job abroad and I again said he must think if he wanted the job and then we would look at the situation but I made sure she did not have the chance to interfere. We took the job and were away for 2 years. Of course we kept in contact and visited but if she had not interfered we would have gone to the first job. You are making unreasonable demands and they will not work and probably mean that she would be less likely to see you . If you dont like flying perhaps you could think of somewhere pleasant somewhere between you that you might meet up for a while. You might try speaking to any close friends you have about how you feel and they could make some suggestions and support you , but expecting your DiL to put you and your wishes first is neither likely or viable especially while she is grieving and needing to be there for her son. If you hope for a better outcome then I think you could write her a letter and apologise for things and explain that grief had made you get things out of kilter and hope to go on in a better way from there.

You took the words right out of my mouth HevenLeigh. It’s the first time, as far as I can recall that there is total agreement.
Everyone is clearly sorry for your loss but shocked by your expectations. Put yourself in your DIL shoes. Had this happen to you,& you were the widowed mother of a small dependent child and your MIL had behaved as you have done, what would your response have been? Would you have split the money? Would you have moved in with her? Be honest please. Looking at it this way may just allow you to see why everyone has responded to you in the same way.
I wish you well and really hope that you are able to take the good advice already given to you, namely a written letter of apology and hopefully you can then have a future which includes contact with your DIL & DGS.

Wow - If I had not read the initial letter myself, I don't think I would have believed any of it!!! Still can't understand how anyone could even think of asking for a share of any insurance money.😱Nought as strange as folk!!