DIL Pushing Me Away

Wow, some of you are cruel. I was not trying to be controlling, rather supportive and to let her know I am here if she needs me. I cant lose my grandson too. I agree I was wrong to yell at her, but I couldn’t believe she wouldn’t tell me she was selling their house! For context, She should stay where they are, if she moves back home they will have a smaller house and smaller yard for my grandson, it’s a lower cost of living where they are now and my grandson is happy there. DIL also asked her brother who is a pilot to fly me monthly to them but I am terrified of flying and can’t afford a 10 hour drive + hotels to see him. I feel it’s just a cruel, empty offer she knows I won’t take. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask her to move in since she knows my circumstances and her family can probably afford it since they do it now anyways.

To answer some questions::

-yes my son was helping me with some monthly expenses. DIL wrote me a check for the rest of the year and told me there was no more after that

I understand she’s upset but I can’t help but feel she is taking it out on my relationship with my grandson.

If my MIL had asked for any of the life insurance after my husbands death then I doubt I would speak to her again.
Also why would she move in with you?
I think you have crossed many boundaries.

Op, I'm sorry for yor loss but you are not being realistic. None of the women I know would want to move to a location seven hours away, and move in with their mother in law, in similar circumstances, particularly if they got on well with their own family.
Unfortunately you will have to accept that things have changed now.

Your DiL is doing what's best for her son and herself by moving nearer her own family. She will need all the insurance money to start a new life for herself. I'm not sure why you assumed she would move in with you when she has her own family.
I'm so sorry you are grieving but you have to let your DiL and grandson go. Don't make it difficult for her as she is grieving too and you want to maintain a relationship with her and your grandson.
Focus on yourself for now. Grief wreaks havoc on us and you need to give yourself time to settle and accept whatever choices your DiL makes.

Im sorry for your loss but you sound very controlling and needy! The insurance money is to provide a measure of financial security for the bereaved partner and any children. You DIL has her own family nearby and naturally turns to them for support.

My own grandmother learned that in a divided family the grandmother has no "rights" except what the parents choose to give her. If you keep pushing they may go no contact and you would have no recourse in law to prevent that.

Op
Share insurance money with you? Out of line
Move with you? Are you out of your mind?

She is grieving her husband

Please give her space and let her adjust to her new life, she is not your crutch

I’m very sorry for your loss. Unfortunately although you say your daughter in law’s family and friends are overbearing, you seem to much more so. It was wrong to expect to take your grandson away from his mother while she was planning the funeral - he needed to be with her. It was wrong to ask for some of the insurance money (I really don’t know how you could even think of doing so - it’s for your son’s widow and child). It was wrong to expect her to move in with you. It was wrong to turn up at her house unannounced and to yell at her. I understand you’re grieving but you must let her rebuild her life as she thinks best for herself and her son. You need to apologise.

Firstly, I’m so sorry about the loss of both your son and your husband. You’ve clearly lost two of the most important in your life and it’s hard.

BUT, I see no reason at all for your DIL to give you any insurance money nor why she’d ever consider moving in with you.

If this was me I’d write her a letter and explain how much you are missing your son and how much you love your grandchild and that you’d dearly love to put some arrangements in place to still maintain good contact and relationship.

Your poor DIL has lost her husband and father of her child. She will want to rebuild her life and maybe it’s just too painful for her to do so where she’s living now. Given time to grieve, both of you need to find a way to move forward and very sadly you need to accept that she might, in the future, meet someone else and even have more children.

I wish you both luck.

Oh granny123 - how sad - my heart aches for you. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. However, I don’t see why she should split the payout from his Life Insurance , with you. She and the children are his dependents. Were you financially dependent on your son?
As for moving near to you, it’s a big ‘ask’. Let’s face it, she will want to be near her parents. We, mi.l.s will have to accept our secondary status. That’s a fact of life. My deepest condolences to you

Why on earth would the DIL share the life insurance money which was presumably designed to support the wife and son, not the mother? Very sad for poster’s losses but she does sound painfully needy and unaware of the feelings of anyone else.