Second Marriage & Grandchildren

Anyone who goes into a 2nd marriage has to be totally aware of each others existing families, their feelings, and what makes each other happy. So many men appear to think that their feelings are more important than their wives. If your husband has issues with you spending time with a new baby, suggests he takes up golf for instance, or whatever else floats his boat. Why can’t he just be happy for you ? Why is he trying to put a damper on your joy ? He needs to be asked these questions. You are not responsible for his happiness, only your own, so enjoy every single minute of that baby and don’t let him spoil a thing.

He sounds quite hard work

Grantanow I agree - wise words. Hopefully he will bond with the baby.

Don't let him dampen your excitement. Far too many men are simply not adult, and they get away with it. He's being jealous and possessive, and while those emotions are natural, he needs to learn to deal with them and not spoil things for you. My husband is fantastic with my granddaughters (with whom he's spending time right now) but really unreasonable with my autistic son. When you get married, what you see isn't always what you get, at any age!

I find it hard to understand. Similar situation. But we are so lucky. Two GC (who have 3 sets of GP’s) who absolutely adore my hubby and is always there for the boys… (and my Son) have always called him Grandad. Hopefully your hubby will change.

A lot of very judgemental comments here about the second husband. There are a lot of feelings which are quite primitive, outside of conscious control and which may well change over time.

I also feel he may be jealous, I’m so thankful that my husband is the opposite nobody would dare tell him that our seven grandchildren are step grandchildren they have all wound him around their finger and he dotes on them
We don’t have any children together he would do anything for them and their parents

You’ve been married 6 months and husband works away during the week, that not ideal, but now he’s asking you to turn your life upside down the take on a baby, I would be very cautious about that prospect.

If he was willing to take on half the child care so that I could continue my work maybe I would be happier, as has been said the daughter is likely to have further children so it’s a very open ended situation.

At the back of my mind is that you have only been married 6 months and the stress of childcare could cause it to breakdown, what happens to baby then?.

Your comments have made me think that i need to just go with the flow. My Dh is jealous of my two sons, albeit in a very discreet way. He moved in with me and my boys and has spent 14 years sharing me with them. My boys are moving out, and I think he has been looking forward to it being just me and him, and not me in full time mum mode. He’s worried that my time will now be taken by a grandchild. As you say it will all work out, plus my DIL to be mum is going to be closeby, and she is retired, so the opposite might happen and I could be not needed as much as I thought. Also we all have histories that influence how we feel, my mum wasn’t there for me or my children, so I sometimes go overboard with supporting my children, wanting to be a good parent and grandma etc.

Blood isn’t always thicker than water, my dh was adopted and had an older brother who was their parents own child. But at the end of my MIL life it was my dh who was there for her every single day, she often said she was glad she adopted as her own son would never have been there for her.

I don't think he's jealous, it's just that he's happy with things as they are.
Many men ( and women) aren't that fussed about babies.
I'm not a baby person myself.
When my stepson had a baby I wasn't thrilled or that interested. There was more contact with my H's ex who was desperate to assert herself as no.1 granny.
I refused to be called Gran and the child calls me by my first name.
The child is now 8 and I am fond of him. He gravitates to me rather than my H when he visits or stays over as I'm more entertaining.
I wouldn't worry - things will sort themselves out, don't push him.

I am in an almost identical situation only my granddaughter is now 11 months old and lives a two hour flight away. Her last few visits with us have been very stressful as my husband hasn’t had his own children and did not cope well with a baby in the house. We have had some intense conversations where I have reinforced my family is a priority and I’m not missing out! My daughter is a solo Mum who needs lot of parent and as I’m retired I’m keen to help out. My husband will go away for a couple of days next time she comes to reduce the tension all round. I visit her regularly at her home…. Retirement is not about isolating yourself from your family if anything that’s when family becomes more important!

I think a lot of men are like that, whereas many women are family orientated and can't wait for grandchildren to come along. When they do arrive, many men are just as besotted and helpful (in different ways) as their OH. Not in same position as no SC but DH is less enthusiastic about some things but "reluctantly" chases DGC all over house, plays endless games with them and steps in when required. Your DH may change when baby arrives. It's different being a grandfather to the responsibility of being a father.

I don't think he's jealous. He just doesn't feel the same as you.
HeatherMH's experience is the same as mine.

Agree with all the comments. He's jealous and needs to grow upand realise he us not the centre of attention any more. It is very exciting and enjoy every minute of your new little grandchild

Possibly when the little one is born he'll be different. My husband had no children of his own when we married (I had 3) we adopted 2 more. My older 3 who have had children are treated just like "real" grandchildren.

I would suggest that your share your excitement with your DIL who is obviously willing to share with you and if you have read some of all the other threads on this subject, you will realise just how fortunate you are.

Your husband may feel differently when the baby is born, or not, but talking a lot about something that does not interest him is not the way to get any man to take an interst.

Nor should you make it too plain right now that you are inclined not to want to move away as there is a grandchild coming.

A lot of men cannot take an interest in a child until it is actually here, others take no interest in infants, but will be happy grandfathers once the child is older.

If your husband is one of those who takes little or no interest in children then you cannot change him, and you will have to find some kind of reasonable compromise.

My husband was similarly doubtful when my great niece arrived ( for various reasons, we are like grandparents to little ‘un, but hubby is only related through marriage). Fast forward 18 months and he and baby are firm chums and he absolutely delights in her. So carry on with your enthusiasm, point out that you can’t wait for his two to have kids as well, and wait for baby magic to happen!

Unusually, I find I'm not in agreement with lots of people on this thread.
Many men aren't all that excited by babies, and I can understand that Kent75's husband might feel that, with all the children grown up, it's time for him and her to have some fun together.
Maybe he would be more excited if a grandchild were to be born to one of his own children.
Sorry, but in view of the fact that Kent is the paternal grandmother, she may well find that her DiL cleaves to her own family first. (Old word, but perhaps appropriate here.)
Stand back and enjoy your marriage, would be my advice.

I would wait and see OP. My husband is not my children’s father but he was involved before my grandchildren were born.
He wasn’t particularly excited about their arrival (think he is just not a baby person actually cause he’s now similar about his own!) and I think possibly he was worried too about the impact on our lives as we were also planning to move to the coast.
However now they are slightly older he is great as he can play and talk to them and they all love him very much.
We also compromised with moving and got a flat by the coast as a holiday home which everyone can use which is actually the best of both worlds.
Things have got a way of sorting themselves out but don’t let it dampen your excitement.

Shelflife

He his being childish and unfair! Don't allow him to dictate your relationship with GC.

This!
What a kill Joy - Be firm OP and don’t let him dampen your excitement for your new grandchild

My son mil is in your position she only got one girl if we go out on family trips with the grandkids he stays home and she goes out with us on her own as she says why should she miss out for mr grumpy and grandkids do sleep over once baby comes he might change but if he doesn’t baby part of your family so he can have a grump you enjoy this special time and congratulations welcome to the granny club lol

You can’t really predict how things will turn out. My late husband was not really close to my grandchildren when they were little, but he developed a real bond as the youngest grandson grew up. On the other hand, my stepson always made it clear, when he had a child, that my husband was the only true grandparent, not me. He called me Granny Cabbie, not just Granny. It all fitted the dynamic of our blended relationships, however.
So wait and see how things go. Too many tales of grandparents who are over-invested in their grandchildren sound a note of caution as more arrive, so spread your time and energy around.

I am a step-mother. My lovely step daughter calls me Mary, but refers to me as “granny” to her son. Both my husband, her dear father, and myself were very excited when our grandson was born.

I think your husband is being a bit mean!

gillyjp

My OH is a brilliant Grandad to our 5 grandchildren and always has been from the day they were born. They may not be his 'blood' grandchildren but they absolutely worship him and he is their Grandad. He has supported them and nurtured them from birth and they know he will always be there for them. Much more of a role model to them than their blood Grandad that's for sure.

Oh well good for you. How does this help the OP?