Feeling sad and left out

It sounds like post natal Depression, making her very anxious and risk averse. Her mother must be worried too which is why she is there so much.
I am sorry it’s understandable that you are upset but I don’t think it’s anything you have done. All this started after she had the baby and prior to this you got on well.
Your son and her mother need to deal with this and encourage her to seek medical advice. Do they have a good relationship?
I woukd carry on visiting and nit mention looking after your gc on your own, if she’s reluctant fir your son to have him on his own she clearly has issues.

Sadly, there is absolutely nothing you can do, except keep your mouth very tightly shut and say nothing, neither to your DiL, nor your DS. Listen to him and reactive to what he says, but do not do or say anything else. But try and relax hen you are there. This is not a situation where getting angry or upset can do anything other than make a bad situation worse.

Personally, I think your DDiL's obsession with caring for the baby sounds worringly obsessive and if there is a problem it is a mental health issue. has your son talked to a health visitor, or medical professional about his worries. This is probably going to be the way any solution lies.

Please do not say anything to your DIL about this, not even if your son asks you to.

He needs to deal with whatever is biting his wife.

I doubt this is post-natal depression, If it is, judging by Gransnet, there must be a great many young mothers suffering from it, as there are constant posts about the paternal grandmother being left out in the cold.

It seems many young mothers these days are unwilling to let other people look after their children. I have no idea why this is, but this is a clear case of our generation seeing things differently and needing to bite our tongues unless asked for advice.

Definitely not the usual way of being a mum and I would be thinking post natal depression,too. She sounds like she really needs help to me but I wouldn’t put any pressure on her because it would possible make things worse. Hope things improve as the youngster gets older.

An ounce of praise is worth a ton of criticism.
Try to reassure this young mum that she's doing a great job and she has you as back up only if she needs it.

loopyloo

An ounce of praise is worth a ton of criticism.
Try to reassure this young mum that she's doing a great job and she has you as back up only if she needs it.

I’m sorry you’re feeling left out, but that’s great advice from Loopyloo.

It sounds more like anxiety to me.. I think being loving and reassuring with her is probably the only way forward for the next couple of years. It is good that you are able to visit them..

Hippyflower - I think she has post natal depression. So just don’t let her behaviour upset you. And please bite your tongue.
My middle son’s m.I.l. Is ver possessive of the GC. I have never really ‘looked after’ the girls on my own. Son and d.I.l. didn’t feel confident leaving them with me. I was a bit upset at first but got over it. I have looked after my daughter’s children and I now occasionally look after my youngest son’s boys. But it doesn’t matter. I know i love all my GC and I’m sure the feelings are mutual

Many parents today are very protective! I was only too happy to allow trusted family members access to our children. It does appear your DIL has anxiety issues - her mum must be aware of this. Sleeps with her, never been in a cot , Wow!! I would be very worried if this was my DIL. Your son not ' allowed' to take care of his own son , sleeping in different bedrooms , your DIL must be feeling very anxious indeed and I suggest she needs help. How that can happen I don't know!? For now you must go along with her wishes but continue offer to help now and again. She must be very afraid and I do understand your distress about this. I do feel for you , in your situation I would feel exactly like you. Good luck !

You have already answered your own question, she is struggling to be parted from her son and the reason is likely post natal depression...

You have access to your grandchild and time together to make wonderful memories. Neither you or your grandchild need to be alone together to achieve that

Take a step back, let your DIL recover in her own time... No mental illness ever improved because someone decided to "tackle" them with how they felt impacted by it or by poking into someone else's marriage... I promise

I'm sorry you feel left out, but I'm quite curious.

Why is it necessary to be alone with your GC? You're together with your wonderful adult child and your grandchild. Just keep doing as you are. Don't complain, that way could lead to falling out.

I can understand that you must feel it's unfair that the other gran is allowed to look after your grandson when you're not. I'm guessing that it's not just the time alone you want, but parity. I don't have grandchildren yet, but I think I'd feel the same, and it's quite likely to happen as my son lives a long way off, and he and his wife are near to her parents, so any grandchildren will get to know them better than us, and they are handy for babysitting when we aren't.

I agree with the others that you should say nothing though. If your DIL is unwell it really won't help if you put pressure on her, however carefully you try to tread. Try to be patient.

What is it they say? You can't swim against the tide but you can learn to ride the wave. Something like that, anyway ). As time goes by your DIL is likely to become less anxious. She is still a relatively new mum. When your grandson gets a bit older the chances are she'll be glad of a loving babysitter.

Meanwhile,

VioletSky

You have already answered your own question, she is struggling to be parted from her son and the reason is likely post natal depression...

You have access to your grandchild and time together to make wonderful memories. Neither you or your grandchild need to be alone together to achieve that

Take a step back, let your DIL recover in her own time... No mental illness ever improved because someone decided to "tackle" them with how they felt impacted by it or by poking into someone else's marriage... I promise

Agreed. There is no good that come
Of your trying to say something . If your son is worried about depression or anxiety post natal he can maybe gently approach that with his wife , mil or a health advisor. It does some like anxiety. BUT the point should be for
Her to be her best self for grandson. And that may still not look like you’re being a caregiver. It for sure won’t if you meddle. You see your lovely grandson, he loves you and enjoys yo it company why is that not enough?

I don't think you need to be alone with him. He's not your baby.

One of my 3 DiL sounds like yours.
She/they has never asked us to babysit and now the DC are practically adults she still hovers over them.

The other DiLs are quite different and much more relaxed. I'm sure it's nothing you've done or not done. It's just how she is.

Enjoy the baby at their place and on their terms.

Why do you want to “look after” him? You obviously see him and have a good relationship. Build on that.

loopyloo

An ounce of praise is worth a ton of criticism.
Try to reassure this young mum that she's doing a great job and she has you as back up only if she needs it.

THIS is good advice.

She is probably very mindful of her little one's safety and doubts her own ability as a mum. Why would she want to go back to work and leave him (with you) if they are muddling along financially, given that the toddler is so precious to her?

There must be something going OK if your grandchild is well adapted and thriving. You say you have a good relationship with him... surely that's the important thing for you. I don't understand why you need to be looking after him?

Tell her what a great job she's doing ( at least in this respect). Build up her self confidence.
Please leave their relationship out of it and try not to be angry.
...this is not about you.

That said, I'm sorry you feel sad💐

I never left any of my five children with anyone at 18 months!
Just saying!

I am afraid this is going to have to be left to your son to sort out it does sound as if she is very anxious. For the sake of their marriage I am not sure they should be in separate beds at this stage. I expect her mum is only to aware there are problems. I think you should just keep turning up and enjoy playing with your GC. Tell your son not to get into any rows on your behalf as it just won’t help and could make things considerably worse.

"He gets no affection or thought".

"They sleep in separate rooms"

These statements strike me as an extremely serious issue with boundaries. Whether your son is inappropriately sharing these marital issues with you or you are assuming them, I think they can be a clue to the distance between yourself and your daughter in law. These statements were bright red flags to me. Boundaries are important. Examining their marriage is unhealthy behaviour. It's not for you to judge. As a mother I would tell my son that it is better to go back to his wife and discuss his issues if he is the one bringing them to you. Regarding her mental health, if she is unwell you are not likely to be the right one over her own mother to broach the issue. The rapport is not there. Between your son and her mother who is constantly present, there are more than enough cooks in the kitchen so to speak. It is not always easy for first time mothers to let go and trust those outside of their immediate parentage with the first child. We can all think about what we did back in our times, but they aren't us and people are different. Praise builds trust better than criticism and complaints. If your son and daughter in law are indeed having issues between them, getting in your son's ear to prioritise your wants at this moment would be the worst possible timing and create far less trust than there already is. For now, spend as much time with the baby in the manner she is comfortable. Speaking from experience as a mother in law, these things tend to mellow out over if you don't push and make it worse. Getting in your sons ear will do the opposite. I am sure others who have gone that route can attest to the lasting rifts. Take care. Be patient. Everything will be fine!

All I can say as the mother of 5 children, in a blended family, with 8 grandchildren under 9 years old. I have seen every form of interesting parenting styles. I have a daughter that is similar to your DIL. She hovers and absolutely every waking minute is about the child. Once GS is asleep hubby can get me time. That grandson is 6 now and finally allowed to stay with me. I just had to accept that she was a hover-mom, always will be. She calls it Gorilla Parenting.
I have a SIL who never lets anyone be out of ear shot. SIL is planning the child's professional baseball career and can't have any interference of any sort. That child is like a robot from being so micromanaged. He has a daughter that can be normal, but she isn't going to be the professional....Go figure.
My step-son is married to a woman with bi-polar illness who has to live near her mom, and won't let anyone even come to her house and hasn't said a word to any family member since 2017. She hasn't even met most of the family. No one except her mom see those kids. My sweet step-son is isolated 3000 miles away. He had to find a job working remotely just to be home because of her meltdowns. I think he just lives in hell with her issues, but he loves the kids and tries to send lots of photos.
I look at all of this as a not-my-business sort of thing. They have spouses and they have to work it out. With the exception of the stepson, everyone comes around, and we get to do fun things with them (even SIL will let the little boy have fun as long as he is doing the same thing), so the grandkids love us, and we love them. We are closer to some of them as they do stay with us, and their parents and spouses are more "normal."
I would just smile and take what you can get. Your son needs to seek professional counseling if he is having issue with the marriage arrangement. This may lead her to follow him. I wouldn't be the sounding board for him as he dumps it on you then goes on about his regular life while you worry about it from him. Good Luck and just remember, it is their marriage, their baby, and their decision, and they will make their own mistakes. It's okay to see it, but not okay to say it.

Maybe he can't bear the constant waking up of the little one?
I know two dads (one now,one 40 years ago) who moved into the spare room until the little one slept through the night.

Also, one other dad who moved out of the "family bedroom" when his work day started at 6am.
If you have little one's in bed with you, you tend to make different choices.
They are not forever!

Oh my goodness! Reading this and feeling I could have wrote this!!! My sons GF also won't let me have my GS who is nearly 2 overnight or anytime really if she can help it!!! I am so frustrated with it all and at an absolute loss the best way to deal with it!! The final straw being a message today saying 'oh meant to say we are off to a wildlife park for his birthday in 2 weeks, have asked all the grandparents, godparents and some friends let us know if you want to come'.....have sat on my hands all night yo not reply and let my feelings go! Xx

Why the hand sitting - don’t younwant to accept the invitation to his birthday celebration /

NannaK07

Oh my goodness! Reading this and feeling I could have wrote this!!! My sons GF also won't let me have my GS who is nearly 2 overnight or anytime really if she can help it!!! I am so frustrated with it all and at an absolute loss the best way to deal with it!! The final straw being a message today saying 'oh meant to say we are off to a wildlife park for his birthday in 2 weeks, have asked all the grandparents, godparents and some friends let us know if you want to come'.....have sat on my hands all night yo not reply and let my feelings go! Xx

Accept the invitation, take him a gift, have a lovely time.

FWIW, overnight stays are not necessary to have fun with GC.