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Grandparenting

Feeling sad and left out

(34 Posts)
Hippyflower Fri 28-Jun-24 14:01:25

I'm in a very difficult position and don't know what to do. I'm the proud grandma to a gorgeous little boy, he's 18 months old and I'm yet to be allowed to look after him. He's frequently left with family on his mums side, but I'm never asked, even though I was meant to be looking after him when his mum went back to work , which she is now refusing to do even though they are struggling financially. He is perfectly comfortable with me, reaches out for cuddles and I think our relationship is lovely, but I am really upset that I am never considered when childcare is needed. It causes rows when my son questions this, and he's not even allowed to 'look after' his own son, he would not be permitted to bring him to see me on his own for example or go out on our own without her. Before we had a good relationship, even going on days out together but she's dramatically changed since the birth of my grandson, I feel she had post natal depression but she wouldn't seek any advice. Her mother is constantly with her during the day. I want to say something but am afraid my son will get the backlash , it's not as if they are apart, they live together, but he gets no affection or any thought , he just seems to be there to provide financially. They sleep in separate rooms as she won't leave the baby to sleep alone, sleeping with him on a bed , he's never been put into a cot . Any advice on how I can tackle this without falling out with her? I visit and never turn up empty handed always take food , nappies treats etc and not just for my grandson. I feel myself boiling inside when I'm there , listening to the way she talks to my son who is trying so hard to be everything, he's a fantastic dad and is adored by his son. What can I do???

welbeck Fri 06-Sept-24 21:44:50

yes, what a strange reaction.
some grans sound a bit batty to me.

BlueBelle Fri 06-Sept-24 22:01:19

Why are you upset at being asked out I would have thought that’s what you wanted NannaK
Back to the original post as others have said you just need to accept it how it is. It may change but for now sit on your hands and wait, carry on doing what your doing but have no expectations
And say nothing
When I look back I did a lot lot more with my parents than my husbands, true they lived further away about a 3 hour drive but I liked them and got on well but never left my babies there
If I look back further still I saw my maternal grandparents every day but my paternal ones who lived about a mile away only for an hour or so once a week and never ever on my own

NannaK07 Fri 06-Sept-24 22:51:58

I feel I have been messaged as an absolute after thought, she knows I work weekends and hasn't given me much time to book a day off. And she knows that I would not choose to spend time with my ex partner who put me through years of domestic abuse. If I was to attend it would be uncomfortable and I would be ignored.

Grams2five Fri 06-Sept-24 23:26:02

Goodness you buy a fun gift
And attend your grandsons birthday. Honestly you complain they don’t include you and when they do complain some more ! If
You want to included in parties and celebrations it’s best you get use to the ex being there too or you’re in for a long haul of things. What are you expecting to be invited for one on one visits only ? Sheesh. It’s a few weeks noticed they likely only just
Arranged things

GrannyRose15 Sat 07-Sept-24 01:52:19

Op you have my sympathy but no advice I’m afraid. I have a very similar situation and haven’t worked out how to deal with it yet. My DGS is three and a half.

March Sat 07-Sept-24 11:47:47

And your son also didn't let you know sooner, he hasn't let you know at all!
His Girlfriend has.

Caleo Sat 07-Sept-24 12:07:29

You are fearful for your own relationship with the baby, and you fear for your son's wellbeing in his marriage.
The young mother is fearful for her baby. One good thing is the baby himself thrives, and that's the main thing.

In our society at present it's normal for the young wife and often the young father too to be more respectful towards the wife's mother than towards the husband's mother. You can do nothing about this and you will have to accept it. Please try not to get into any disputes, as the best you can do for all concerned is to grin and bear it, and accept that you are less important than the other grandmother.

It is difficult, I know . As time passes time your strength will become a habit and will benefit all concerned.

Baggs Sat 07-Sept-24 12:14:23

What you can do is be a stand back gran and let them get on with their lives their own way. Learn how to calm yourself. "Boiling inside" feelings are unhealthy and you should resist them or get help if that's too hard to do on your own.

Could the father of your son support you in this?