Disciplining grandchildren when in my home

The main thing seems, to me anyway, that the OP is not able to have three young children at one time. I’m not making any judgements on any of the adults concerned (except perhaps regarding the tap …), we don’t know all the details and the OP has not come back to enlighten us, but the bottom line is that “things” happen with young children and carers have to be able to cope with them. I really hope this situation doesn’t affect the relationships of all involved.

Notjustaprettyface were you looking after the three children on your own or did you have someone there to help you? You say we but don’t mention another person. Three young children is a lot for one person to care for.

It was wrong to tap him for hitting out at you,
Notjustaprettyface

But you know that, of course, and realised you'd lost control of the situation. I hope you are able to look after them again, but perhaps not all together next time and show your DGS that you do love him.

Distraction techniques are best.

Going back to the last line of the OP, yes I do think it was the grandmother's responsibility to 'fix it' as the adult in charge rather than summoning the parents back straightaway.

She could have texted the parents later if the 5 yr old didn't calm down and she didn't think she could cope overnight.

The daughter bears much responsibility though.

Poor little chap. He just wants his mum. We expect our little ones to deal with so much of our adult stuff and they are the ones on the receiving end and are hardly formed. I remember being four and I just wanted my mum and dad. I would have thrown a massive temper tantrum at that age and, having a very strong personality, would have continued until someone stopped me. The word 'swanning off' seems to spring to mind.

Sorry but I beg to differ. The children are the parents’ responsibility not the GM’s.

If one child was a cousin I assume the parents were also the OP’s AC.

There were too many young children for an older person to mind and the parents shouldn’t be putting their own needs before that of their children or their own mother.

It depends, I think.

Some grandparents are only in their 50s or even 40s, the age I was when dealing with a stroppy four year old DC (plus others)!

Prettyface, should your grandchild lash out at you again for whatever reason, hold his forearms close to his body to prevent him hitting, crouch as close to him as you can while saying calmly , 'you must not hit Granny' until he has calmed down and then you can reassure him.
Your grandson sounded distraught at his mother leaving him, again: I think he had been missing her and when she left him last night at my house , he started screaming , crying and even wanted to run into the road after his mothers car

Very easy for trained experienced teachers to pontificate about how you were at fault, but dealing with a tantrum in a classroom situation, where there is help accessible, is entirely different from dealing with one when you have responsibility for two younger children under four, and a mother who turns on her heel and leaves her child visibly upset. He is her responsibility and yes she should be in touch with you to discuss why he was so distressed and what you both do about it.
I do not agree that it is a perfectly normal situation for a five year old to react in that way; he is not following his normal school routine and is tired and fretful after two activity-packed days whilst aware his mother is at home and wanting to be with her. She has had two child-free days and should be more considerate. Does the father have any role in child care?
What happened was Not Your Fault.

How often do we see grandparents on here saying that they would love to look after grandchildren but the DIL prefers her own mum to do it, so the 'other grandparents' are left out? Did nobody on here ever go out when they had young children? It is normal for grandparents to want to babysit, but they have the option to say no, or to agree to look after them one at a time if they can't cope with more.

People are extrapolating a lot from this that we haven't been told, such as jumping to the conclusion that the OP looks after the children when the mum is at work, that the activity days happen because the mum can't be bothered to look after her children, that the mum is selfish and that the OP was somehow pressured into having the children overnight, when none of that is in the thread. It is the OP who suggests that the boy was crying because he didn't see enough of his mum - she sounds like a witness for the prosecution . There are all sorts of other possible reasons why he might not have wanted to stay with his granny, but none of those are even mentioned.

All we do know is that the OP agreed to look after the children overnight and that when one child misbehaved she couldn't cope (in fact she doesn't believe that she should have been expected to sort it out), she hit the child and phoned the mum to cut short her evening, and on top of that she expected an apology. None of that says to me that the daughter is putting her own needs first.

My sister has 12 grandchildren, and loves having them. They take it in turns to stay over on Saturdays, and my sister has them on different days in the school holidays. She usually restricts the overnight numbers to 4 for bedroom space, but has had all of them there overnight on occasion, with the big ones (the eldest two are now 11) helping with the babies, and would be appalled to be told that her children were taking advantage, or that she can't cope. She can, and she does. I would be (very) daunted by the prospect of that 😲, but we are all different, and assumptions don't always hold up.

My point is that we can only go on what we are told, and as I've said all along, we've had a very partial account, with anything that might exonerate the daughter being left out, and people are making up what is not in the OP.

So true.
I wonder if OP will help by giving us more information?
The comments about “ground rules for the mother” and “taking the P**s” may or may not have much foundation.

Such common sense Eazybee, a voice of reason! This was most certainly not the fault of prettyface. Wise words from you , I am in full agreement with you.

We have never had 3 together as I think it would be too much. The 6 year old if he is like that is better with a quiet cuddle and lots of reassurance. I wouldn't phone his Mum to come back as he usually responds to me - only if he was making himself sick with all the crying. Physical punishment is against the law in Scotland but probably would not have done that. Were you on your own with them? DH is good at cuddles so would have saved the day. I would expect to apologise to DD not the other way round if she had her plans put in disarray. However knowing my DDs, they would insist the child apologised (I wouldn't expect it).

Very easy for trained experienced teachers to pontificate about how you were at fault, but dealing with a tantrum in a classroom situation, where there is help accessible, is entirely different from dealing with one when you have responsibility for two younger children under four, and a mother who turns on her heel and leaves her child visibly upset
I assumed we were commenting as grandmothers - as a secondary teacher I had no experience of temper tantrums or strops, but I do have a strong minded granddaughter (“Though she be but small, she is fierce” ) who is the only one of my 6 grandchildren to make me cry!

I didn’t see that Mum “turned on her heel and left GS visibly upset” - must have missed that. But from my own Children’s experience at drop off at playgroup , nursery and in reception, I was assured they stopped crying as soon as I had gone. I didn’t always.
Finally - nobody is pontificating
(How to put one off even expressing an opinion!)

Hello everyone
I was looking after my sons little girl aged 18 months and my daughters boy aged 5 and his sister aged 4
The 18 month old was not staying to sleep
I regret smacking my GS , I just lost it
I was on my own
It was not a special occasion, my daughter expects a sleepover once a month for her children
I also look after them 2 days a week while she works and am now looking after the ( year old for 3 days because school is out
I do think 3 little children is too much for my daughter, I don’t think she copes well

We all do things we regret, Notjustaprettyface, hope your grandson and you can have a big hug next time you see him.

Can you have a talk with your daughter and SIL and your son and explain you really can't cope with all of them together although you love to see them individually.

If your DD can't cope, how can she expect you to when you are much older than her? Her DH must have more input.

Hope you can resolve this. There will come a time when they are teenagers and busy with activities, seeing friends and too old for 'sleepovers' with Granny.

RosiesMaw2

^Very easy for trained experienced teachers to pontificate about how you were at fault, but dealing with a tantrum in a classroom situation, where there is help accessible, is entirely different from dealing with one when you have responsibility for two younger children under four, and a mother who turns on her heel and leaves her child visibly upset^
I assumed we were commenting as grandmothers - as a secondary teacher I had no experience of temper tantrums or strops, but I do have a strong minded granddaughter (“Though she be but small, she is fierce” ) who is the only one of my 6 grandchildren to make me cry!

I didn’t see that Mum “turned on her heel and left GS visibly upset” - must have missed that. But from my own Children’s experience at drop off at playgroup , nursery and in reception, I was assured they stopped crying as soon as I had gone. I didn’t always.
Finally - nobody is pontificating
(How to put one off even expressing an opinion!)

I thought the child started crying after the mother left? I'm not sure about turning on her heel - is that something else that has been assumed? How else can one turn?

I remember holiday play schemes run by the 'before and after school club' when mine were young. They were expensive, but my children enjoyed going and their friends often went, so I sometimes sent them whether I was working (and therefore paying for childcare I wouldn't be using) that day or not (in which case I wouldn't be earning). It would have been a lot easier (and cheaper) for me if we'd all had a lie in and lazed around the house, but if they were doing something the children enjoyed I got up early, packed them lunches and walked them there, then had to be in all day (before mobiles) as emergency contact, and pick them up later. Not the easy option at all.

I'm not a trained experienced teacher, and have never dealt with a tantrum in a classroom situation. I don't pontificate (well, not too often ), but I do have the same right to an opinion as anyone on this thread, and IMO hitting children is wrong, whether you change the vocabulary to frame it as a 'tap' or not. I am also of the opinion that the mother's working pattern and choice of what she does on her days off is irrelevant to an overnight stay, and that anyone agreeing to babysit should take it as read that they will deal with situations as they arise unless they are genuine emergencies. The mother's work was clearly brought into the post to discredit her, and it worked - people jumped to all sorts of conclusions about her 'taking the p*ss' and being selfish. I'd bet a pound to a penny the people saying those things are also on the Benefit Cap thread saying that parents should support their own children, too.

The OP is not responding to questions that would give more context (eg whether she looks after the children when the mum is at work, or how big a deal the night out was), so we still only have one very partial side of the story. I wonder what the daughter's perspective might be - if she were prepared to discuss her mother in this way online, that is. I can just imagine the thread on MN .

Apologies. I see that the OP has returned. I would edit, except we can't.

Notjustaprettyface

Hello everyone
I was looking after my sons little girl aged 18 months and my daughters boy aged 5 and his sister aged 4
The 18 month old was not staying to sleep
I regret smacking my GS , I just lost it
I was on my own
It was not a special occasion, my daughter expects a sleepover once a month for her children
I also look after them 2 days a week while she works and am now looking after the ( year old for 3 days because school is out
I do think 3 little children is too much for my daughter, I don’t think she copes well

Thanks for responding. I hope everything gets resolved amicably and quickly.

Doodledog

Apologies. I see that the OP has returned. I would edit, except we can't.

It’s so annoying we cannot!

Cossy

Doodledog

Apologies. I see that the OP has returned. I would edit, except we can't.

It’s so annoying we cannot!

It is.

I think looking after your 3 grandchildren is too much and you need to say. You didn't mean to tap him and no doubt won’t again but you were overwhelmed. She chose to have three children and is finding it difficult herself to cope, but so are you . Its between her and her husband.
.

Thank you for clearing some of this up OP.
Out of interest, who was looking after the 18 month old GC when you had the others for their sleepover? It occurs to me that maybe GS was just having a bad day, or even sickening for something, I hope there will be no repercussions from this incident and that he realises Granny loves him and enjoys having him.
I’d have loved to have mine once a month on a regular basis - (although sometimes it felt like even more) until DH’s health started failing! My eldest D’s 3 children were born 18 months and 3+ years apart . Mine, 2 years and 4 years (we both had 3)
Interesting you feel your D isn’t coping with having three children, I realised that there are many things you can do with a singleton or just two children but three (or more) make it a whole new ball game!
That said I would not have wanted to miss out on any one of my 3 girls !

GrannyGravy13

I do not think he needed discipline, I think he needed cuddles and reassurance.

A calm quiet voice, smiles and let him know he was safe and loved.

That's all very well and fine in a perfect world. However, the OP is not young and had three children under 5 years old in her care. The youngest being just 18 months. That in itself is an unacceptable situation in my opinion. She's already said that all hell broke loose and she was trying to keep the other children calm whilst also feeding the baby. She should never have been put in that position, either for her sake or the children's. If I was her I'd tell my daughter to make alternative arrangements in future. She sounds irresponsible, selfish and immature.

Notjustaprettyface

Hello everyone
I was looking after my sons little girl aged 18 months and my daughters boy aged 5 and his sister aged 4
The 18 month old was not staying to sleep
I regret smacking my GS , I just lost it
I was on my own
It was not a special occasion, my daughter expects a sleepover once a month for her children
I also look after them 2 days a week while she works and am now looking after the ( year old for 3 days because school is out
I do think 3 little children is too much for my daughter, I don’t think she copes well

You were asked to keep too many children in the day. I think your daughter makes too much expecting sleepovers monthly, 2 days weekly looking after her children plus 3 days with the other child. Considerably too much for gran.

Perhaps just tell her no more?

Many have posted of those who "would love to watch GC". I'm sure some may enjoy - however for others GCs alone, without mom nearby is work.

I prefer be near our many GC /GGC with their mums doing the watching.

Perhaps ask your daughter to be present with her children?