Anyone else feel surplus to requirements ?

Maybe the family gatherings are just that- the whole family gatherings. Why not arrange this so you can do-the-rounds for having an afternoon/ day/meal with just the one 'brood' rather than the full crew. Then there's more personal 'you' time from their children to you. Is it all hiking, rock climbing, a sailing etc ? How about Art &/or Music ? What's the grandchildren's favourite school subjects .... surely not simply sport ? There are pastimes other than those of the 'keep fit' brigades. What about Nature Walks ? Bird Watching ?

I'm going to start living and laughing again. Wish me well x

I hear every single word you said. I feel completely redundant. I'm 58 not 108. It's hid me very hard. It's hard especially in a crowd. I'm regretting retiring. I got an illness that ended my career completely. I lost work my mates as well. Hopefully things will improve but, it might get better but I'm not optimistic. I just feel on the scrap heap. My illness doesn't seem to be improving at all. My I'll health was caused by Covid and I'm angry at that. Oh well that's the way it is. I'd love to hear from someone who lost their livelihood. Maybe I should just cop on and start living properly

Totally with you on this.
I’m in Brittany France with daughter 1 (50) husband + 2 grandchildren (28, 13)& daughter 3 (40) + husband & 2 grandchildren (15,11).
I’m spoken to ( if at all) as though I’m senile, or they are all on their electronics the whole time!?
If I say anything, I get ‘the look’ ‘ are you mad, or what?”
I’m 75. It’s cruel

I only started feeling like granny in the corner since losing my DH. I think it's just that I'm no longer the most important person to anybody anymore and because I don't do anything interesting anymore I don't have much to talk about so tend to listen more than talk. A loss of confidence really I suppose not that anybody is being unkind.

Ive never been a mother or a grandmother (or wished to be) so I dont feel "pushed out". My grandmother always used to say that people treat you in the way that you teach them to treat you.

Your status is what you go out and claim in this world

Love the sound of this! Grandma when needed, but card sharp and dice player on the side. I’ve visions of you with a visor eye shade and those things that hold up your sleeves. Absolutely love it, hope you’re not offended!

Oh gosh, I’m 70 and have arthritis and various other ailments but I’m still the one who has to organise everything. I cook for anything between 7 and and 14 when family visit and arrange any activities we do after or before the food. I sometimes wish somebody else would take over a bit but I’d rather be the organiser than feel surplus to requirements. Could you not try to join in a bit more? It doesn’t matter if you don’t always know exactly how to play to their standard, we often find that makes it more fun!

I’m now a redundant Nanny as all 5 of mine are self sufficient teenagers. So I’ve resumed my travelling and am working my way through my bucket list. When my 3AC are all together with all their families, I just sit back and wallow in my pride. It’s just such an amazing thought that they are all there ….. just because of you, so just watch and enjoy what you have achieved. I consider myself so so lucky to be still here and involved in some small way, in all their lives.

Batnan

I'm 65 and just feel like I only get to see the GD when she needs babysitting. It's really frustrating but I daren't say anything as the DiL has got a real stick up her butt about everything (real control freak) and son thinks the son shines out of her proverbial. I love my son but he's no longer the person he used to be. He seems cowed and quiet and I raised him to be a free spirit. DiL is always correcting me about things I do with the GD - showing her a bumble bee was "teaching her to do stupid, dangerous things." I am so depressed.

This is so sad, and I hear this such a lot now. I don't know what is the matter with these young women; read Mumsnet, they're everywhere. They will learn when it's their turn how hard it is to form these in-law relationships, and how heartbreaking it can be. When I worked with families, these attitudes seemed to improve as they matured, at over 40. In the meantime I can only offer sympathy and suggesr that least said is soonest mended, and ignore what you can. It's really hard

At 68 I feel fitter and healthier than I have been for years, time to go to the gym, lift weights, walk, learn new skills like piano playing, attend courses and have great days out with friends. I don't recognise these as my twilight years yet?
When we have family round we are still hosting, I feel more like the matriarch than grandma in a corner. And they are still coming to me for help and advice. I think if I'm not acting old, they won't treat me old! The only thing I have conceded is Xmas lunch, after 40 years I am happy to pass that on to my lovely oldest son.

Littletoothill
Of you don’t have any major health problems you already know about you might want a GP to see why you feel tired and with little ‘get up and go’ at such a relatively young age
Also , do you need hunk you might have a slightly elderly mindset? There are only a couple of years between me and the other gran in the family but we are poles apart in outlook and energy , and she is very much of the opinion that there is a certain way to be as a pensioner and a grandparent
I hope you find a way to throw yourself in to life a bit more

Well said Woollywoman. I’m a very young late sixties, if I sit down in the afternoon it just happens or me, I do fall asleep. So I try not to sit down. I have osteoporosis which hopefully with a few years medication and some work from me will improve. A couple of other issues that probably could contribute. But a can do attitude works wonders.

I envy you “the family gatherings”, I’ve no surviving relatives, gosh what I’d give to be surrounded by family. Please relish what you have.

At 68 you are far too young to be sitting in the corner withe a sherry for company.

I am 72 and have never been so busy.

I'm 83 and am quite pleased to be known as the 'Matriarch'. It's not a 'loss of status', just a change of status. I can't join the family in active holidays, but I can be there at family gatherings and always find my grandchildren (16 - 32) happy to talk to me and tell me about their activities and adventures. I rarely say 'when I was your age...' but they do ask me about the things I have done in the last 80 years - history to them! What a joy it is when the phone rings and I hear, 'Hi, gran...'. And now there is a new generation in the shape of my two-year-old DGGD. What a treat it is when my DGD, her mum, brings her to see me.

@MissAdventure I know how you feel. DH never stops wanting to go on holiday and DD has just asked us to go and help her after an operation in the autumn. In my twilight years I’ve to feed 8 people for an indeterminate time . I’m trying to prep my house for old age but again DH has baulked at taking out the bath and putting a walk-in shower. He has happily arranged the most complicated journey imaginable to the DD 's home in the autumn and just climbed a ladder onto the roof having told me an hour ago that his blood pressure is60/90. I would dearly love to sit in a corner with a g&t and a book,not even a good book but a regency rom com would do. We will both be 80 next year.

I'm 65 and just feel like I only get to see the GD when she needs babysitting. It's really frustrating but I daren't say anything as the DiL has got a real stick up her butt about everything (real control freak) and son thinks the son shines out of her proverbial. I love my son but he's no longer the person he used to be. He seems cowed and quiet and I raised him to be a free spirit. DiL is always correcting me about things I do with the GD - showing her a bumble bee was "teaching her to do stupid, dangerous things." I am so depressed.

Tuaim I fully understand what you say, especially shouting in the phone. I had that really badly on one occasion that I got up to move to another seat (I was at the window) saying I was moving as I didn't want to be deafened in one ear with all the shouting. Male passenger in front turned around telling her to cut down on the noise too. Passenger was scarlet with embarrassment!

Play to your strengths - for example, if you're good at baking, tell the family you're organising a 'Great Family Bake Off' competition and get the kids involved or having a 'Family Masterchef' competition if you're generally skilled in the kitchen. If not, a craft competition or a family quiz (quiz based around Disney movies or something the kids could join in too). Just because you can't join in all their adventures, doesn't mean you can't do something where you're more included.

‘Family get-together’. Arrrrrggggh! I’d invent a foreign holiday to avoid one!

Good grief, I'm 84 and get on with things. I've just cut the grass of 80ft long garden, dug up some dying plants and it's only 11.30a.m.

Some great comments here. I'm lucky to be well at 68 and skied with the 17 years GD and her father last Christmas. Do accept that things change though but our GD's expect me to do everything - its lovely

Yeah this is me now, too. But I am pleased I can be left to rest actually. It means when they've gone I still have some energy for my hobbies instead of having to have a whole day resting, aching from jumping up and down doing things for them.

I do understand and it is sometimes hard to see our children and grandchildren moving ahead and doing things without us - we were once so central to their lives. But look back - we too moved on from our parents in order to become free standing adults - or we hoped or needed to do that. It didn't mean we didn't care about them, or know how much they mattered to us. My family all live far enough away that I don't see any of them often - the internet helps us stay in touch, which is good. But it has been important to me to find a life which is not centred on my role as mother and grandmother, much though I love my children and grandchildren. I am much older than the OP but have never thought I was in my 'twilight years' - I am just finding new ways to be and new things to do. I am not saying this is easy, but life is not easy. Currently my challenge is this - I am writing a book. It is hard and rewarding and I think original and also well grounded - exciting and real work! But there are so many other things anyone could do, personal and rewarding challenges to take on and also love our roles in our families.