No visitors at the hospital

Our children giving birth isn’t about us or what we want out of the experience. It’s about them and what they want. They are allowed to want and do things differently from us. Labelling their choices “selfish” or “extremely hurtful” is a dramatic way to center yourself as the main character of their life event. That’s not healthy.

I hope all with rifts and unnecessary conflict can be put aside today to celebrate mums of all generations. Happy Mothering Sunday to all! . May today bring only peace, love, and appreciation

It is extremely hurtful and I am so sorry. When my daughter was born everyone came to the hospital and it was joyful., whereas my first grand child was announced by text with a curt "she's here." It was days before we saw her. Our grandson was even more possessively treated. No-one was able to pick him up but the parents because of germs. It is a negative parent power view of the world which distances wider family. Be there when you are welcome and do what you can to be supportive. Talk to other grandparents, lots of us have stood in your shoes.

I think you’ll find there will be restrictions when there home safe as well. It’s very normal nowadays for new parents to do this. Times have changed x

Gogo84

My daughter lives in America and when she was expecting her first daughter she asked me to go over to be with her to help out. I was there when the baby was born, and by that I mean actually watching the birth as the obstetrician had asked me into the room. As you can imagine the event for me was fairly overwhelming and I also had the pleasure of running to tell the other grandparents, who were waiting with one of their other sons in an adjoining room, that we had a healthy granddaughter, and all was well.

Well good for you but how does this help the OP? 🙄

If she has the baby early in the day it's entirely likely she'll be home the same day. I think you should try and look at it from the new mum's point of view (and try and remember how you felt). It's overwhelming enough to suddenly be responsible for a tiny, new human being without having to worry about visitors either in hospital or at home. Give them the space the want and then be joyful when you meet your new grandchild - and remember it's about them, not you

Smileless2012 I agree with you. I am somewhat surprised by some comments and advice. There again the venom spouted on the political threads is absolutely shocking.

My daughter lives in America and when she was expecting her first daughter she asked me to go over to be with her to help out. I was there when the baby was born, and by that I mean actually watching the birth as the obstetrician had asked me into the room. As you can imagine the event for me was fairly overwhelming and I also had the pleasure of running to tell the other grandparents, who were waiting with one of their other sons in an adjoining room, that we had a healthy granddaughter, and all was well.

NotSpaghetti

I hope you and your husband had some precious time together when he arrived, Witzend, you must have longed for him.

I know you can still see the moment of his arrival! 😍

Yes, with rather more hair! 😂

I hope you and your husband had some precious time together when he arrived, Witzend, you must have longed for him.

I know you can still see the moment of his arrival! 😍

Deedaa

When I had my first baby in 1974 we were kept in hospital for a week, and only the father was allowed to visit. Once I got home it was still several days before our parents were able to get away together to visit us. With the second one I was out in 24 hours and my mother in law was staying with us to "help". Total nightmare as she spent most of the time having funny turns and it was a relief when she went home. By this time we had moved 300 miles away so both sets of grandparents saw very little of the new baby.

My first was in 1977 and both sets of parents plus a sister, visited within about 24 hours. All welcome!
Dh didn’t visit until at least 5 days later, but that’s because he was working an 8 hour flight away.

So I was delighted when he turned up, very tanned, and bearing a lovely bouquet. I had a feeling (in those very different times) that some of the staff and other new mothers had been thinking, ‘Oh, yes - husband working in the Middle East - I’ve heard that before!’

I couldn’t agree more. I could write my experience of ‘heartbroken’ and ‘the joy is gone’ but I wouldn’t be appropriate. This is a happy, lovely joyous time for you all and please try and tell yourself how lucky you are.

Oops - the words like Eric Morecambe’s notes were “not necessarily in the right order”
But you know what I mean!

4 pages of replies to OP’s request for “words of wisdom”.

I have 5 which sum IMHO it up
It’s not all about you.

The hate toward mothers ....... good grief!!! What hate and it's the OP whose accused of over reacting.

Postnatal wards are notoriously hellish and much worse than when I gave birth in the 1990s.

In the 1990s yes there were women being wheeled up and settled in the bay during the night and the noise of all our babies and the metal bin lid clanging shut and the sound of midwives talking or caring for patients. It was exhausting but now …

Wards and bays designed for 8 mothers and babies also housing partners sometimes 24/7, some of whom are utterly selfish. Widespread flouting of visiting hours so some beds surrounded by noisy visitors for hours with staff to scared of aggression or too busy, or too lazy to ask them to leave. Patients and visitors making loud calls on speaker through the night, watching football, playing noisy games and watching content without earphones or the sound muted night and day; men and visitors using the toilets and showers intended for patients instead of leaving the ward to do so as per the signs so women struggle to find windows to go to the loo or shower when their baby is settled and face filthy facilities when they do. They are often heated to hellish temperatures with no opening windows.

The friends of my daughter who have had babies in the last 5 years all left the hospital wrecked as much by the lack of sleep and stress as by the physical toll of their delivery. People are now usually discharged within 24 hours unless there are complications so they are still in the first throes of lochia, after pains, stitches, first shit post baby, heel pricks for baby and checks. It’s a bit of a whirlwind.

My mum was in a nursing home for a week with limited visiting and us in a night nursery so emerged rested and feeling more like herself. She had a hairdresser come round to give her a shampoo and set 😂
I think nurseries disappeared long before I gave birth but behaviour on wards was much better and they were less chaotic than now and it was still exhausting.

With most men getting paternity leave these days, I think apart from a short visit or two if welcomed by the parents soon after the a baby arrives, it’s nice to give the new parents that time to bond with the new baby, - whilst urging them to give you a shout if they are up for visitors or dinner bringing or making. If I was a dad facing going back to work full time so soon after a new baby I don’t think I’d want to spend too much of that two weeks hosting visitors. As the mother of girls I’d anticipate helping out more when SIL goes back to work but that would be me helping around the house and cooking so my daughter can eat and focus on her baby, not me sat on the sofa gazing at the baby while she shuffles around making me tea or “getting on with the housework” . Obviously I’ll be dying to cuddle the baby as you are, but it will happen. Initially though. The most important thing is the baby’s health and needs and the new family. I think we have to adjust to what they need at just an extraordinary time. For some that might mean mum moving in for a month to help, for others it might mean a bit of space until their baby latches, mum is in less pain and less weepy and all have found their feet again.

It won’t affect anybody else’s bond with the baby unless they are determined it will be so.

As an aside, in case you are not aware, it has been recommended that people do not kiss young babies hands or face for a number of years now. This is because small babies can have very serious and occasionally fatal complications if they contract the common herpes cold sore virus. Contrary to popular opinion the antibody protection derived from the birth process and from the mother is limited. So if your son and daughter-in-law tell you this please don’t assume this is just another example of them being precious and ruining everything, it is routine advice and evidence based best practice.

I totally understand where they are coming from but alot of these people HAVE to put boundaries in place because of the way family members act. The stories you read on JustNOMIL are horrible. Grandparents coming over and hogging the baby, not giving back back when crying, overstaying their welcome, giving advice when not asked, not being helpful (eating or having tea but
not washing up). I get it. When I had my baby, all I wanted was to just come home and relax. Instead MIL, FIL, BIL and 2 X SILs were in the driveway by the time we pulled in. They stayed for 10 hours. I barely got to hold my baby. I was tired, struggling with learning to breastfeed (MIL thought she knew best and wanted me to get my boob out Infront of everyone so she could show me), and wanted to be alone. I was forced to stay in the lounge room. I was bleeding and in pain. After they stayed, the sink was piled high was dishes, it was horrible. They then proceeded to call every single day wanting to come over and bombarded us with texts for pictures and updates. It was overwhelming.

My coworker who was due 3 months after me, her MIL came over straight away too and lied about being sick. Baby was hospitalised with Covid.

Asking for space is not the end of the world. Give them space to adjust and settle in first. They will appreciate it. Drop off some meals without asking to meet baby but let them know you are there if they need any help.

The hate towards mothers who choose this way is astounding. You had your chance, you wanted visitors? Great for you. Not everyone feels the same way. My first experience was robbed and I'll never forget it.

NotSpaghetti

I know nobody is really interested in my view on "where these fads come from" but some of us wanted the perfect no-vists no-people respite all those years ago.

I had my parents visit when asked not to "just yet" for our first born but baby 2 was a perfect postpartum period. Born at home and then just the four of us. We had moved abroad and our friends there respected our wishes.
This was the most beautiful, precious and magical time.
It didn't really happen again for babies 3, 4 and 5 as older children wanted to go to swimming or dancing or whatever.

Please allow them to have it "their" way. Send a food delivery from (say) "Cook foods" or "Waitrose" or whoever and when you do visit, take them dinner!

There was no social media 50 years ago.

Just saying.

This! I was perfect happy to largely go it alone ! For all five of mine and that was decades ago. Especially that first week or two when I was so exhausted and recovering , nursing seemingly around the clock .

Mwdebbie

I teach antenatal classes for the NCT and recently retired from midwifery. Over the past 40+ years I’ve witnessed many trends come and go. Currently it’s very fashionable’ for new parents to say eg ‘no visitors at all for 2 weeks so we can bond with the baby and find our feet’. Some parents also specify that no one apart from themselves are to cuddle the baby until eg s/he is 6 weeks old/ has had first vaccines etc. They believe this will protect the baby from catching infections (whereas evidence says a healthy baby builds the best immune system by being cuddled by different - healthy - people). When parents express such plans in antenatal classes, I gently try to suggest alternatives but many go on to carry out their plans and often wind up exhausted and confused as they try to ‘go it alone’. I’m sharing this as context which I hope it’s helpful. All these ideas are perpetuated by social media along with a (to me) rather romanticised and unrealistic description of the early days as being ‘a magical baby bubble’. I hope I don’t sound cynical because I’m not! The early days and weeks with a new baby can include many magical moments but it takes a village to raise a child and the support of experienced, tactful and supportive grandparents can increase those magical moments one hundred-fold!

Sure but surely you recognize the difference between no visitors and cuddlers for six weeks as compared to no visitors in the hospital. Which at this point is generally a single day - the first day - while mom and baby are fresh from delivery and wanting to do skin to skin them and just begin to learn to breastfeed ? A single day in the hospital is not going to leave the new parents frustrated and burnt out trying to go it alone, it will simply give them a moment to breathe.

NotSpaghetti

I know nobody is really interested in my view on "where these fads come from" but some of us wanted the perfect no-vists no-people respite all those years ago.

I had my parents visit when asked not to "just yet" for our first born but baby 2 was a perfect postpartum period. Born at home and then just the four of us. We had moved abroad and our friends there respected our wishes.
This was the most beautiful, precious and magical time.
It didn't really happen again for babies 3, 4 and 5 as older children wanted to go to swimming or dancing or whatever.

Please allow them to have it "their" way. Send a food delivery from (say) "Cook foods" or "Waitrose" or whoever and when you do visit, take them dinner!

There was no social media 50 years ago.

Just saying.

I agree.

Mum had a small child at home when I had my first. We did it all alone, though less than a mile from both mums. Wonderful.

That continued with all our children. Four over 20 years. At the last our mums were quite old and very happy to leave us to it.

I know nobody is really interested in my view on "where these fads come from" but some of us wanted the perfect no-vists no-people respite all those years ago.

I had my parents visit when asked not to "just yet" for our first born but baby 2 was a perfect postpartum period. Born at home and then just the four of us. We had moved abroad and our friends there respected our wishes.
This was the most beautiful, precious and magical time.
It didn't really happen again for babies 3, 4 and 5 as older children wanted to go to swimming or dancing or whatever.

Please allow them to have it "their" way. Send a food delivery from (say) "Cook foods" or "Waitrose" or whoever and when you do visit, take them dinner!

There was no social media 50 years ago.

Just saying.

I know someone who’s a paediatrician in a hospital and they said there are a lot of respiratory viruses going around at the moment that are affecting babies so I feel that babies do need to be protected from them and not exposed to them at the moment.

When I had my first baby in 1974 we were kept in hospital for a week, and only the father was allowed to visit. Once I got home it was still several days before our parents were able to get away together to visit us. With the second one I was out in 24 hours and my mother in law was staying with us to "help". Total nightmare as she spent most of the time having funny turns and it was a relief when she went home. By this time we had moved 300 miles away so both sets of grandparents saw very little of the new baby.

Mwdebbie respectfully that is a lot of nonsense. People unknowingly carry viruses that are potentially lethal to newborn babies. It's recommended yes, that healthy people may visit. Turn away anyone with so much as a sniffle and visitors should be for short periods at reasonable intervals to avoid overstimulation for the baby with brief holding sessions and no kissing or touching the mouth. That's after a thorough hand wash. Add that to the knowledge that it takes a baby 2 months or so to form a properly functioning immune system and they can do so just as well with just parental input, having 2 weeks before visits is rather a reasonable request.

It was the NCT classes that resulted in my son and his wife having a strict set of rules for when the baby arrived which I found very extreme ( and I’m someone that didn’t want people picking up my baby, kissing her etc). What was good about it though was it gave them a group of friends that became a good support group; they’re still friends years later. When they had their second child everything was far more relaxed.

I teach antenatal classes for the NCT and recently retired from midwifery. Over the past 40+ years I’ve witnessed many trends come and go. Currently it’s very fashionable’ for new parents to say eg ‘no visitors at all for 2 weeks so we can bond with the baby and find our feet’. Some parents also specify that no one apart from themselves are to cuddle the baby until eg s/he is 6 weeks old/ has had first vaccines etc. They believe this will protect the baby from catching infections (whereas evidence says a healthy baby builds the best immune system by being cuddled by different - healthy - people). When parents express such plans in antenatal classes, I gently try to suggest alternatives but many go on to carry out their plans and often wind up exhausted and confused as they try to ‘go it alone’. I’m sharing this as context which I hope it’s helpful. All these ideas are perpetuated by social media along with a (to me) rather romanticised and unrealistic description of the early days as being ‘a magical baby bubble’. I hope I don’t sound cynical because I’m not! The early days and weeks with a new baby can include many magical moments but it takes a village to raise a child and the support of experienced, tactful and supportive grandparents can increase those magical moments one hundred-fold!