How do I get my concerns across with a stubborn DIL

QWAMV - reported

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Oh dear !
Careful voicing your disquiet with your daughter in law.
Mine started every sentence with " in my day "
I see your point .
But it's her baby .
Wyllow's ideas sound very good . I'd be worried about his formula being balanced on a rolled up blanket .
I've found it very difficult not to voice my concerns over my grandson . He's a healthy ten now .
But when he was small - the house was dirty and he used to puck up things off the floor and put them in his mouth .
He wasn't bathed frequently and I'd end up buying him warm clothes .

Please write in paragraphs !
Maybe Mumsnet might have some ideas .

I’m not the MiL from hell and nor am I an overbearing, domineering mother

But you did refer to your d-i-l as "stubborn" in the title presumably just because she doesn't agree with you. This was an immediate red flag alert so you shouldn't be surprised by some terse replies.

I do hope you stop worrying and being, as you put it, 'overly dramatic".

My oldest son hated his cot. He got his leg stuck between the bars, it hurt him and he was inconsolable every time I tried to put him in it after that. We had a mattress on the floor for rolling about, cuddly play and bedtime snuggles so I moved him onto that at the age of about 6 months, after making the room thoroughly baby-friendly of course. He was fine! Even though he was a curious and very active little chap he never got into any scrapes in there.

BlueBelle

I m amazed my children and grandchildren are all well and healthy I wouldn’t have a clue what sort of mattress they all slept on 😀🤣😂

I could go o endlessly about mattresses, cot, bed, etc.

But I won't bore you. 🙂

I m amazed my children and grandchildren are all well and healthy I wouldn’t have a clue what sort of mattress they all slept on 😀🤣😂

Just thought I would mention, regarding mattresses, when my elder daughter moved from cot to bed (about 1979), her "new" mattress in our rented flat was stuffed with horsehair. Goodness knows how old it was, but she fitted nicely into the big dip previously created by larger bodies. Thankfully, when we were changed from Furnished to Non-furnished status and given the ancient furniture (except for anything worth having, which we had to buy off the landlord) we were able to replace it. Before that, we weren't allowed to without the replacement becoming the landlord's property - and that mean so-and-so would have promptly seized it and swapped it into one of his more up-market properties. (The staircarpet in the MO building was "nicked" from one of his even less salubrious houses).

Allira

Macadia

JayCee And don’t even get me started on her giving my grandson a bottle of formula during the night by way of a rolled up blanket across his chest to support the bottle as she then goes back to sleep!!!

It sounds like she was tired.

Also, sometimes you should switch out the words "my grandson" with "her son" because she's the owner.

Could your son perhaps take a turn at giving a night feed, JayCee?
I don't think a six month old does need a bottle in the night but that's up to them and I'd never pass comment.

Good observation, Allira. It sounds like the baby's father lay sleeping while the baby cried - not even propping a bottle or allowing the tired mother some rest.

We can worry but keep our worries to ourselves. Their ways may be different from your ways.
🤐

Unless a child is being abused, of course.

^ Am I being overly dramatic?^ Yes.

Not your baby. Not yours to worry over.

I was born during the war and slept for the first year in a drawer with a pillow. Babies are very resilient.

When I was little it was not unusual to see a bottle propped up with a rolled up blanket. I think it’s you that has a problem with your DiL as some do on this site. Their children, their decision- and let’s not forget your son has agreed to this. Why is he passive and ‘anything for a quiet life’? Do you think that this could be because of his upbringing?

My (breast fed) babies would nurse in the night for much longer than 6 months!

I was of the impression that bottle fed babies cease needing a bottle overnight according to how much solid food they are given - and as the start of weaning is recommended at six months now I suppose some will also be wanting a top-up (especially if it's a long night).

Macadia

JayCee And don’t even get me started on her giving my grandson a bottle of formula during the night by way of a rolled up blanket across his chest to support the bottle as she then goes back to sleep!!!

It sounds like she was tired.

Also, sometimes you should switch out the words "my grandson" with "her son" because she's the owner.

Could your son perhaps take a turn at giving a night feed, JayCee?
I don't think a six month old does need a bottle in the night but that's up to them and I'd never pass comment.

JayCee And don’t even get me started on her giving my grandson a bottle of formula during the night by way of a rolled up blanket across his chest to support the bottle as she then goes back to sleep!!!

It sounds like she was tired.

Also, sometimes you should switch out the words "my grandson" with "her son" because she's the owner.

butterandjam

Thanks to (now) ex-DIL I nearly had to become a nun in a silent order.

Love this!! You had a narrow escape!!!

We also bought organic untreated fabrics for me to make her nightware as infant nighties and pyjamas were coated with an anti-inflamatory chemical. No idea if they still are!

Thanks to (now) ex-DIL I nearly had to become a nun in a silent order.

butterandjam

But the new single bed also has a mattress, right? Why is that new mattress less of a threat to baby than a smaller one in a cot?

Her blanket/bottle habit is far more of a threat to baby, choking/ smothering etc.

I'm guessing it's wool or organic cotton?
We had a bed like this for our daughter in America many moons ago.
It was organic cotton and wool.

BlueBelle
Concerns about Volatile Organic Compounds (VOCs) .
These chemicals have a high vapor pressure at room temperature, meaning they can easily evaporate into the air. They are emitted from various materials, including many synthetic materials used in mattresses.

Many traditional infant and children's synthetic cot mattresses include things such as polyurethane foam and are coated in flame retardants containing PBDEs, organophosphate esters, and TCEP - all linked to serious health problems.

These include:
* Neurological impairments (e.g., learning disorders, reduced IQ, behavioral problems)
* Hormone disruption (endocrine disruptors)
* Reproductive issues
* Cancer
* Childhood asthma
(Some are even banned in other children's products (like toys) but may still be found in mattresses).

Phthalates
These are plasticizers and are often used to make materials like PVC (polyvinyl chloride) flexible and waterproof. They are endocrine disruptors and have been linked to:
* Genital defects in baby boys
* Lower testosterone and sperm counts
* Early puberty
* Reproductive challenges
* Increased risk of obesity and asthma
* Some phthalates are also banned in children's toys but not in mattresses.

Formaldehyde is a known human carcinogen, it can cause:
* Eye, nose, and throat irritation
* Coughing and wheezing
* Asthma flare-ups and respiratory inflammation
* Long-term or repeated exposure has been linked to respiratory tract cancers and leukemia.

PFAS (Per- and polyfluoroalkyl substances) are often used for waterproofing, these are "forever chemicals" that don't degrade in nature and have been linked to kidney cancer, lowered birth weights, and immune system effects.

Toxic adhesives can be used to bind mattress materials together.

Antimicrobials - whilst these are designed to kill or inhibit bacteria, viruses, or molds, they are generally not needed in mattresses.

Babies' bodies are still developing, making them more susceptible to the harmful effects of chemical exposure than adults. They also have a higher breathing rate taking in more air per pound of body weight than adults.
And of course they sleep a lot, often with their faces close to the mattress surface, leading to prolonged exposure.
Babies also have more permeable skin and a larger skin surface area relative to their body weight, increasing absorption of chemicals through skin.

I expect these are the things the mum is concerned about.

But the new single bed also has a mattress, right? Why is that new mattress less of a threat to baby than a smaller one in a cot?

Her blanket/bottle habit is far more of a threat to baby, choking/ smothering etc.

Hats off to you JayCee68 for listening to different points of view!

Longed!

I think my main worry would be that there appears to be great attention on the much longer for boy!! I hope the ensure their daughters do not feel second best!?