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Is It Wrong To Feel Like This ?

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greybadger Mon 30-Jun-25 12:09:31

Last year our so and DIL gave birth to our first grandchild, and we knew that the DIL would always be closer to her parents than us, and that the baby would have a closer bond also. We accepted that. However, we only ever see him when they have no one to baby sit (it seems the hierarchy is her parents/brother/friends/us), or when we invite them over for food or paying to go out for a meal. They never visit like they do her parents/friends/great grandparents. It is always us who contact them, and the only time they contact us is when they need us for babysitting/money/invite for food. We are grateful that we do see our grandchild, who we adore and love, but we cannot help feel that we are last option, and that we are not really special in their and our grand child's eyes. This is backed up with a weekly update on FB on what they have done that week as a family, and always include her side of the family/friends and never anything we have done with them. We have tried talking to them, but they always make out it is us, without reflection from themselves. We don't expected anything apart from that we do actually mean something to them apart from someone to go to at the last resort, or someone who always cooks for them and never get the time then to spend with them or our grandchild. It does hurt like hell, and sometimes we feel is it us? Is it a common problem to feel like this? And if it is, how to deal with it

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grannyactivist Tue 01-Jul-25 16:38:37

I think aonk makes a good point. Although I’m in the fortunate position of being very involved with my sons’ (and daughters’) children I do agree about having something special to do with grandchildren.

My husband cycles with them and takes them off to the garage to make things and I spend time in the kitchen with them; baking, making jam, sweets etc. I also send them cards and little gifts in the post now and then. Nothing expensive (the cost of the stamp is eye watering nowadays), but things that will fit in an envelope and generate a bit of excitement.

Maybe you could try something similar in times to come?

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4allweknow Tue 01-Jul-25 16:50:42

Your situation is more common than you'd think. Soeak with your DS explaining how you feel. That's all you can do.

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jocork Wed 02-Jul-25 08:29:45

I'm so lucky to have a DS and DiL who are fairly even handed in seeing both sides of the family and sometimes all of us together. The other grandparents have other GC too while my DS's children are my only ones, so they are busier. We all live at a fair distance - 200 miles in different directions. I plan to move nearer when I finally declutter and downsize. I could then see more of them than the other grandparents but I don't see it as a competition. I just want to be closer so I can be more help.

Try to make the most of the times you do have to build a special reationship with your grandchild.

My in-laws lived nearer to us when my children were young and were very pushy and demanding about seeing us. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't push harder to see my own mum more often. She lived much further away, didn't drive and my ex husband was reluctant to visit regularly. It meant that she missed out on having as close a relationship with my children. She had other GC living nearby but my brother and his wife spent more time with her family socially and used my mum more for babysitting duties. It's a common situation and I wish I'd done more to enable my children to know their gran better. They both still make the effort to see my ex's mum who is now very elderly and frail, but never really had an adult relationship with my mum, who died when they were both still students.

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