Daughter in law lying to cafcass.

Yes- 50/50 care should be the way forward if circumstances allow. This is what my son wanted but he gets far less- a few hours a week is just not enough.

He has never been allowed to be a parent- just a fun dad who does fun things because they both want to make the most of those precious few hours...

eazybee, the more we learn about the impact of divorce on children, the greater my understanding of the compromises made by parents who stay together for the sake of the children
The current approach is parents sharing fifty fifty care of the children. It can work but it needs parents who work together, don’t play games and always put the children’s needs first. My fear is children who lack a solid base

Cafcass is so important, the children need representation that is focused on their needs. I think if allowed to do their jobs and parents are co-operative, things usually go the right way.

But the mother isn't happy, is she, hence her behaviour.

Sorry, but I have seen the result of divorce on children countless times through work, and it is so easy now for families to be split because one parent 'has had enough.'

Isn't wishing for karma here just revenge?

I don't know if that is fairness and justice when it comes to children's lives...

It’s so interesting to read other peoples experiences, but also very sad that it happens at all. There’s no easy answer to these very complex situations. I agree that men are always on the back foot where children are concerned. In my case, my ex DIL turns on the tears - she’s a pretty girl, and (I’m sorry to say but it’s true) the big burley male police officers fall for it every time. At least the female officers don’t seem seem to fall for it as much. It makes me so sad that the children are seen by her as possessions to gain power with. My GD told the social worker that she feels like a toy being passed around.
No one can truly know a situation unless you’re in it, so I wish everyone the strength to keep going for the sake of fairness and justice. Let’s hope karma really is a bi**h.

I agree- constant fighting by the parents is not healthy in the long term. Unfortunately family court still sees men as having a minor role in parenting and just haven't kept up with how men really want to be more involved with their kids now, even though the relationship may be over...

eazybee.. it is if its not working and making everyone unhappy. Surely its in the best interest for the children to have happy parents who live separately

The oldest child is eight , That is not long.

eazybee
The marriage should have ended a long time ago and our son made the very difficult decision to leave and DIL very much wants a divorce . He has been doing everything he possibly can to make the whole tragic situation as easy as possible for the children.
We never wanted this to happen but it has and all we want is for the children to have both parents in their lives because its so important for their happiness and stability

Hithere
Well it feels very personal when you mention and put on the link from February. Yes its been going on for a very long time and as i said before, it could have been all sorted a long time ago.
I really dont need comments like yours to add to the horrendous stress

I feel some sympathy for the wife now that it is clear the husband has left the marriage. His wife is facing an uncertain and possibly bleak future, bringing up two children mainly on her own, although she is wrong to prevent the children from seeing their father, for their sake, not his. At present she feels that the person whom she should be able to rely on for support is twisting the knife still further.

I don't know the reasons why the father left the marriage and it is not my business but he is the one initiating the divorce and I can only assume his wife does not want to divorce. With such young children it is sad that he cannot make more effort to overcome the difficulties, for the sake of the children. It is what all children want, their parents to be together.

Easybeach,

The comment wasn't directed to your son at all, that is why I did started it "generally speaking"

Easybeach, you didn't deserve that, how dare you be spoken to like that by Hithere .I am so sorry for your painful situation.
Ladygaga, I hope your stepson stays strong, glad the children have told the truth and are with him. Some women shouldn't be mothers.

Yes, Easybeach, take no notice.

The truth eventually comes out, this is what we hope for...

I don't really understand what the poster was saying really.

Thank you anna7 for sharing your experience.

I can understand why you are shocked Easybeach4. It's all too easy for some women to accuse their partners of abuse. My son was also accused of abuse by his ex partner and was actually arrested. He was soon released without charge when he showed the police abusive texts he had received from his ex and the fact there was absolutely no proof. In fact he now has sole custody of his child and I must say he had only positive experiences of Cafcass.

I wish you and your son and his children all the best for the future.

Hithere,
I am very shocked at what you are implying.
Our son is certainly not an abusive person.
All he wants is to see his children which could have been easily sorted and yes he walked away from a difficult marriage.
His children love him very much.
I am so upset at your comments ,i feel you are accusing me of lying.

Of course most spearating couples can reach agreement as mature adults who put the child's needs at the centre.
David is severely mistaken about this.

Parents fighting things through in family courts are not behaving like mature adults- they are fractured and broken people who don't know anything other than thinking they must be right and therefore the other person is wrong.

This isn't how real life is though, the answer often lies somewhere in between and yes, some parents are so abusive they should not be allowed near even thier own children- but these extreme cases are thankfully very rare.

Family court should not be a place where there are more nuanced and less black and white issues that just one parent wrong, the other parent right, stance. Being on the side of one parent over the other isn't to the benefit of children who may grow up with very confused ideas about what is a lie and what isn't, leading to equally serious issues as those children grow older.

I think this would be especially true of mandatory services such as Cafcass, social services, the police and even their own teachers who risk losing the trust of troubled young people.

Something needs to be done for these kids, but it just isn't happening...

Yes, I would like to echo Iam's and Not spaghetti's posts and challenge David's assertion. I speak with personal knowledge.
Most people manage to separate from their spouse without using the children as pawns in the game. Who would want that for a child?

No, indeed, Iam

Most separating parents reach agreement without the need for legal proceedings.
I think this is true.
Many parents do manage at least a moderately amicable break-up.
Not everyone has so little disregard for the children, thank goodness!

It’s true breakups usually lead to disagreements about money, property and children. That doesn’t mean all breakups lead to legal procedings

keepingquiet

Are you saying that fathers should admit abuse in order to prove they are telling the truth?

What a tangled web we weave indeed.

It wouldn’t make any difference if you did, any grievance is so ingrained any admission of fault wouldn’t make anything better.
There may well be evidence of abuse, injury treated or financial deprivation, usually its just hearsay, for whatever reason the relationship has broken down trust or confidence is gone, the marriage is over, and the battle is over money and child access. Only rarely is there non contested breakup.

Thanks NotSpaghetti for pointing out the lies, abuse, deception, manipulation of children that the family courts have to try and make sense of.
Most separating parents reach agreement without the need for legal proceedings. Often parents are offered or advised to work with a mediator before heading to stressful proceedings and yes, that can work.

There is a lot of abuse, lies, deception and using the children as pawns it seems to me.

My working life was full of it.
Regarding cafcass, no, I'm sure it's not infallible but we lost a lot of experienced staff some years ago which can't have helped.

I can think of one case where the father was extremely clever, educated and manipulative and seemed to be believed at first - but, with support, I believe the child got the best outcome (with her mum). It took a long time though - as both mum and daughter had already been very damaged by this man.