Reality vs expectations

We never lived close enough, to be called upon, except in dire emergency.

When DS and wife got a letter on Saturday to say DGS's nursery had gone into admnistration on Friday, not a day he attended. I got into my car and drove the 200 miles and looked after DS while they both tried to find another nursery with immediate vacancies.

I recently spoke about this issue with a colleague.

About two years ago she developed some health issues and as a result of that and just getting a little older and more tired, she reduced her working hours.
A few months later her daughter approached her - just moved house, more costs etc, struggling with childcare.....so on her two 'days off', she's caring for two small, very active children and it's exhausting her.
She won't approach her daughter as apparently she's having personal difficulties and my colleague is genuinely concerned about the situation.

Life can throw us all about at times but I've heard similar stories from a number of colleagues / friends and I do fear that it is an expectation of many!

We live walking distance. We have a good balance, imo.

We don't do scheduled childminding, we fill in when needed and drive the long distance to their school when asked (quite often).

We're not taken for granted, my husband still works, we travel, and we have our own home, gardens, yards to keep tidy - no schedule for GC&GGC.

You must do what's right for you Horti. As well as being able to help out with your GC, spending time with them should be a joy and not something you resent because it prevents you from doing the things you'd planned for yourselves.

It is hard for parents I recognise that, but the bottom line is they are responsible for their own children! and don't get me started on parental rules that GPs must obey! Basic common sense rules- yes, other than that it was Grandma's house grandma's rules . My AC understood that and so did our GC. It worked well for everyone.

I think you have to be up front and honest about the care you are able or willing to provide. As others have said don't over commit in the beginning, it's easier to add time than reduce it.
At the risk of stating a fact which will be unpopular, child care is not for everyone and however much we love our families its not a commitment everyone wants to take on. Nothing wrong with this and there are other ways of helping.

You're right sodapop, child care isn't for everyone and there's nothing wrong with not wanting to commit to regular care for one's GC.

Why do some people's children just assume that grandparents will take on a burdensome load of childcare?

I've just done my last school run to the primary school that my grandsons have been attending. I've been doing it on and off for 14 years I realise. The youngest one will now be within walking distance of his next school and his mother will be able to take him. The oldest grandson is at college and his brother will be in his second year at grammar school so I'm only called on for occasional lifts home from the station. I quite miss the afternoons watching TV and waiting for Mummy to come home.

We have looked after our DGD two days a week from the age of nine months until she started school. We now pick her up on this same two days and bring her to our house for dinner and DD picks her up. We also have her mostly on the same set days during the holidays., this allows us to be able to plan other things. We have found this a wonderful experience as she is very close to us and loves having the occasional sleepover. However, DD has always been very strict on keeping to these set days, unless a real emergency which has been extremely rare and DD has never taken advantage. We really want to continue this for as long as we can as we have such a strong bond but, as soon as we start to feel it is too much for us, we will have the conversation with DD who I know will fully understand. I do hope that will be a while off yet though.
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My 72-year-old sister - who has several health issues - has been caring for her granddaughter since the child was 6 months old and who is now an energetic 4. She now has the child's baby brother (18 months) as well. She has both children for 3 full days a week and is exhausted and depressed, although of course she lives them both unconditionally. I hold my tongue, but it worries me so much to see her run ragged at her age.

It’s a very common problem at the moment. I have a friend that looks after her two DGDs two full days a week, her and her DH are exhausted, their often ill, they catch every virus the children get and are ill for weeks on end.
It’s a shame because their good friends of ours but be rarely see them now.
The home improvement they need to do are all on the back burner too.
I would think seriously about your options, and if possible choose the lesser option as there’s always the chance of emergency cover as well.
Tiredness is the bane of our lives as we’re getting older, not just physical but mental too. We all still need to have some head space left to do our own thing. Good luck.

Why do people find it so difficult to say no to their adult children. To put your health at risk and your life on hold for several years is such a waste. We are in our late seventies now and all grandchildren grown up, I couldn't manage to look after babies or toddlers now.
Our days are spent quietly in our rural home, dog walking, lunching with friends, reading all the things we enjoy. This is how life should be in our later years, my opinion of course.

You aren’t obliged to do more than you can and actually, we do none on a regular basis but will if there is an emergency. I’m glad we made this clear as I’m a little ill at the moment and couldn’t cope with the grandchildren even though I love them to bits. We are grandparents, not parents.

My 57year old neighbour (never had children of her own) is looking after her niece’s baby, for a few hours, one day a week. As much as she loves her grand-nephew, she is absolutely shattered by the end of her ‘shift’. Saying ‘No’ is not an option. Her grand-niece and husband are just starting out and can’t afford baby-minders.
Perhaps, once she gets used to it, she’ll be fine,

sodapop

Why do people find it so difficult to say no to their adult children. To put your health at risk and your life on hold for several years is such a waste. We are in our late seventies now and all grandchildren grown up, I couldn't manage to look after babies or toddlers now.
Our days are spent quietly in our rural home, dog walking, lunching with friends, reading all the things we enjoy. This is how life should be in our later years, my opinion of course.

I am absolutely with you sodapop.

I sometimes also wonder what is going on in the minds of these selfish children who do not seem to care how old or ill their parents or (it seems now) their aunts as long as they can avoid paying for childcare.

We live quite close to 5 of our grandchildren. We were never asked to do regular child caring. I'd have said very sorry, not going to happen.

We're there for emergencies but could never have coped with daily/weekly care.

sodapop Why do people find it so difficult to say no to their adult children. To put your health at risk and your life on hold for several years is such a waste.

I agree.

If people desire to childmind so be it. We've raised ours, we're done, they may pay for whatever childcare they need or want.

I have "been there done that, raise children Tshirts" I need no more.

Decide with yourDH what you are happy /able to offer then stick to it

Why isn't saying no an option eazybee? If your neighbour's grand niece and her husband can't afford childminders, why did they have a child?

Smileless - don't forget people's circumstances do change - and birth control can fail occasionally too.
We obviously don't know their individual circumstances here.

Having worked with homeless people I do know how just one thing can have the most awful domino type consequences.

It's rarely a case of everything just being very straightforward.

Our eldest DD and family are an hour away via country roads. We were 67 and 62 when the eldest was born and used to park our caravan on a nearby farm caravan site to do 3 days a week.4 It was wonderful to do it but we were worn out. When GC2 came along we continued to do the same but soon found we couldn't manage it so cut it down to collecting from nursery/school and giving them tea and later taking each to an after-school activity once a week each.

DD2 is 180 miles away and undergoing IVF. I'm afraid we aren't going to be able to be involved much at all with a new GC. My DH now has mobility issues and I am coping a lot with his needs while trying to keep up my outside interests.

I can't split myself any further without damaging my own health. I've just spent 18 months overcoming cancer treatment, I need to start looking after me.

All that said, first DD never "relied" on us and there was never any pressure from her.

It appears then that people have children they cannot afford. Without grandparents providing free care how would they manage. We had children we could afford. I loved having all mine but I wouldn't want to do what many are for years on end,

Retread

Whereabouts are you, MercuryQueen?

Canada

Just to add, I’m Gen X. We’re definitely some of the newer grandparents on the block, generationally speaking.

I don’t know of anyone who could afford to go part time, tbh. With everything going on rn, everyone I know is working as much as they can because with the random tariffs and the cost of everything going up, we don’t know what to expect, but less income sounds like a bad idea.