Christmas.

They live in London, about 3 hours away. We are going soon to visit ( booked before the argument). But I have messaged dil and said sorry , never want to exclude anyone, but alternative Xmases would be great.
But no joy.

Could the son who lives locally let his brother and family stay at his home? It would solve the problem of them staying over and give them some space, does your Ex stay as well? If he lives near by could be not have them to stay? Hopefully your daughter who is staying will give you a hand with getting everything ready.

Peggypatch

They live in London, about 3 hours away. We are going soon to visit ( booked before the argument). But I have messaged dil and said sorry , never want to exclude anyone, but alternative Xmases would be great.
But no joy.

But the fact is you HAVE excluded her ....she may get over it ....she may not...you know her best .....maybe it will take a while

My son who lives locally rents with other people, but he stays the night because he has a drink. My ex only has a one bedroom bunaglow.

Honestly, Peggypatch given your health worries (and those of your husband of course) I am amazed that any of them assume that you are up to hosting this year. Time, as others here have said for a frank talk and no more feeling guilty, I'm sure we would all love to have the energy, fitness & youth to carry on doing what we have always done.

Thank you. Keepcalm, I need these resasurring words, as I am so upset, I hate falling out with anybody.

There should be no need to fall out with anyone. All your children are adults and should behave like adults...

Hi, welcome to Gransnet.
I couldn't get past your description of your health issues.
Why does anyone in your family expect you to be doing Christmas hosting?
You both need a chance to rest and recover.
Hope this works out for you, well before Christmas.

No need to feel guilty Peggypatch. Your family are less than understanding about yours and your Husband's health problems and should be rallying around the two of you not the other way around. Make it clear that your health problems preclude you from being the hosts this year and definitely discuss alternative Christmas arrangements for the future. Apart from your health needs your family should be supporting you as you get older and not expecting that you can still do Christmas as in the past. Time to put yourselves first. It seems so unkind for your DIL to say that you are not welcome at their house when you have always made them welcome at yours. I do hope that this can be sorted out as this anxiety will not help your present medical problems.

Thank you Maremia, it is really time to think of ourselves, but easier said than done sometimes.

Peggypatch

They live in London, about 3 hours away. We are going soon to visit ( booked before the argument). But I have messaged dil and said sorry , never want to exclude anyone, but alternative Xmases would be great.
But no joy.

You have messaged, said sorry. Perhaps just leave it there.

Least said soonest mended.

Peggypatch

Thank you. I know I feel torn between the devil and deep blue sea. But my son didn't ask could he stay, he just pursumed. I really don't want people sleeping on sofas, etc. We have just had them for a week, I have hosted xmas for over 40 years ( even my husband comes for dinner). So feel I need a break, I would love someone to ask me for xmas dinner.

Frankly, I feel your DIL is behaving like a spoilt brat, but then I live in a country where young couples commonly visit her parents one year and his the next, or invite the children's grandparents to theirs.

Nine people staying when both you and your husband are, or have been seriously ill is a ridiculous and unfeeling supposition to make.

Stop feeling guilty and do not agree only to see your grandchildren in the park. If your son has not the guts to tell his wife to behave as an adult, he cannot care very much for you and his father. Tell your son and DIL that you are exceedingly sorry they are hurt, but so are you, at their total lack of understanding of your situation.

I am so sorry to hear of this painful situation. I am cautious to say this but think it can be a brave and really helpful thing to let go on the 'who was right and who was wrong' arena. Feelings are raised here and the 'logic' of it will not help angry and hurt feelings. If you can, I suggest you step back from hurt and anger and do what you can to see how your DIL and son are feeling. Again, being 'right' does not always make us happy. There is dignity in being able to say you regret the pain your response caused, you had no wish at all to cause hurt, and you value and love them and the grandchildren.
If this works for you, you could do what I have done in recent years: I just said to the next generation that I'd love to have them all with me but please will they do the cooking and clearing up? They do it cheerfully. Perhaps something on those lines will be possible and help resolve this really painful situation. We cannot force others to respond as we would like but we can sometimes change things by our own behaviour in such a way that others change how they feel and respond. No guarantees, but whatever happens, this might feel better - you would have acted with dignity and generosity. I wish you good things.

I don't mind cooking Christmas dinner for everyone, but I am very happy when everyone goes home and I can flop in front of the TV with a cup of tea, I really couldn't cope with people staying as well. I've been serving up Christmas dinner for 45 years now and my daughter has never cooked one herself. I wonder how she'll get on when she has to.

Hi Applegran, I totally agree with you,
But my real issue is with 9 staying for around a week, my husband has Prostate cancer and I am still recovering from surgery and skin graft from skin cancer and feel it would be too much. If they all came just for dinner and then home that would be fab. I didn't think it would be a problem coming alternative years.

Sorry, but I would have had a very quiet Christmas; just me and my husband, I do think telling one son and family not to come when inviting the others looks bad.
I don't think your DIL should have been rude but do you have a history of favouritism?
It's done now, and I can understand your reasoning, but see how it looks to your son and dil.
You say you don't like falling out with anyone but you must have known this would have caused upset.
Can I ask if you are doing alternative Christmas's with the son you asked not to come, that the other two won't be asked when they go.
I am sorry about the health of you and your husband, but I would never treat my two adult kids differently.

Hi, no I love all my children equally.
But they are all different. One son comes every year, lives alone and I would never have him alone at Christmas. The other 2
and their partners do not come every year, but seem to pick and choose. Last year we took time of work and stayed in London at an Airbnb so we could look after granddaughter for 2 weeks, while my Dil had her second child. Dil is from London and has alot of family there. They have never stayed all together, as practically no room. My daughter and partner are fine doing alternative Christmas, no problem.
I try and be fair, and supportive to them all.

*Fair enoughPeggypatch maybe contact your son, explain again about your health, and the sister only visiting you every other year, and the other Don being on his own. Maybe son was hurt,told his wife and she was reactive. I hope it sorts itself out.

I think you are perfectly justified in saying no to having a large house full over Christmas considering you both have poor health and no doubt will be feeling under par. Christmas is hard work and especially for 4 days.

Your children should, one would hope, be sympathetic to the situation and your DIL sounds rather entitled and should be ashamed of her attitude.

Drop her an email and explain again, why you cannot have 9 people staying for Xmas, remind her you both have cancer and are not feeling up to full strength, “so hopefully you’ll understand its too much to undertake this time”.
If she still doesnt get it, she’s at fault.

Peggypatch.
What's your husbands view on all of this?
I don't mean to be rude but why is it that mums mainly deal with everything to do with Christmas and get the flak.
I do hope you both have a speedy recovery.

Peggypatch you say when you go to visit your elder son and daughter-in-law you stay in a hotel, surely your London-based children can do the same when they come to visit you?

Putting on meals for nine people over four days is a mammoth task in itself, add in beds to change, people having to sleep on sofas, you and your husband dealing with major health concerns and it's just too much for you to be expected to cope with.

Have a serious discussion with your husband about what you realistically are able to offer to all of them, then tell them.

Hi Sharon103

My husband is my two sons step dad, so trys to keep the peace. But has brought them up since the ages of 10 and 8. My daughter is my husband. That is why I have always invited my Ex for xmas dinner.
By the way, my ex never sees the boys or makes an effort. But last night I heard from husband that my eldest wants to come for a family reunion to see his dad. My husband feels hurt by this, as he has done everything for them ( taking and picking up from University etc ) and so do I. My ex has family he can stay with in London, but as I say he never sees his boys or grandchildren, but my eldest seems to think more of him than my husband., who has supported him and provided for him most of his life.

Peggypatch

Hi Sharon103

My husband is my two sons step dad, so trys to keep the peace. But has brought them up since the ages of 10 and 8. My daughter is my husband. That is why I have always invited my Ex for xmas dinner.
By the way, my ex never sees the boys or makes an effort. But last night I heard from husband that my eldest wants to come for a family reunion to see his dad. My husband feels hurt by this, as he has done everything for them ( taking and picking up from University etc ) and so do I. My ex has family he can stay with in London, but as I say he never sees his boys or grandchildren, but my eldest seems to think more of him than my husband., who has supported him and provided for him most of his life.

I don't think your son wanting to see his dad is connected in anyway to how he feels and appreciates his step dad. The emotions in those 2 scenarios are not related to each other. It is a natural instinct to find out/develop understanding of ones background and history and that includes any "blood" parents relatives. How your exhusband/his teal father has behaved is not necessarily relevant to your son in his desire to reconcile with his real father.

Surely you and your husband can allow him to choose his own path through this maelstrom of emotion that seems to be going on 💐

Also if you invite your ex husband to Xmas dinner so he is not on his own then why is it such a big deal re your son wishing to see his dad?