Grandson is a nightmare to look after

BlueBelle

*He’s the only one I genuinely struggle with, and I’m finding it really hard to even warm to him*

….and he knows it, he knows you don’t like him that much, he knows you prefer his sister, he hasn’t at 6 got the verbal intelligence to sit down and say ‘ nan why don’t you like me’ so he does what many 6 year old would do he looks for attention, any attention he looks to disrupt and yes to give you a hard time as he feels you’re giving him a hard time
He’s good at school, he gets on with his grandad, so I d be surprised if he’s anything other than a little boy trying to punish you for not liking him
Change it around, play with him, have a giggle with him, kick a ball round, play a board game, draw with him, read an exciting story to him, find your route into him and most of all tell him you love him
I d have the children separately for a little while that way he’s not having to share anything you can give him your undivided attention which is what is begging for , he played his music louder and louder so you would know he was there a telling off is better than silence

I’m not blaming you just hopefully encouraging you to look at it through his eyes

BlueBelle, IMHO I think you've summed the situation up perfectly! Sounds to me like an attention seek.

I would refuse to let him sleepover whilst he is like this-or be visiting without a parent. Speak to his parents and tell them you wont have this behaviour, simple as that.Maybe he does/doesnt have an underlying reason for misbehaving but its up to the parents to discover what, but you should not have to go through this.

I feel very sorry for you .
This is difficult to deal with .
As you've got on well with other children then I don't think that you are the cause of the problem.
I think that you have no choice , but to talk to your son and his wifeband see if some compromise can be reached.
Otherwise you can really be expected to care for him .

I'm wondering if your grandson isn't neurodivergent in some way .
Or is he a nightmare due to bad parenting ?
Or a combination of both ?
If your grandson's school identify a problem then you will be exonerated .

My son was very hard work as a child,but he was loving and funny.
I have found my grandson really difficult to look after.Unlike my son as a child - he seemed to be joyless and just unhappy.
As my father was too ill to be left I was unable to care for him. I wonder how I would have coped.I'm not sure that I would have.
At times ,my grandson could be so vicious-aiming stones at his cousin's head or destructive - trying to break the contents of a cabinet cabinet and pulling down a curtain rail after wiping chocolate up the curtains .
My son and his wife set no boundaries and never seemed to know how to discipline him instead they dump their son on anyone who'll have have him . I think that they are lazy parents .
The nursery school and school have complained.
Like my son ,he's very bright and easily bored .
Now he's doing well and is sporty and has lots of friends - long may it last.

I really hope that you can resolve your problem and have a great relationship with him .

Shelflife

Monica. Please understand that children with ADHD often behave in school - its known as masking. It is a huge strain for them ! When they get home they often ' explode' .
It is understandable for people to assume there is not a problem because they behave in school, sadly that is not always the case. I completely agree with everything else you have 'said' . A firm approach and consequences carried out is the answer for most children .

Exactly this Shelflife. Our DGS has been diagnosed (before anyone asks) with ADHD and sees a psychiatrist regularly. He is not academic but behaves well in school, he is masking.

He’s the only one I genuinely struggle with, and I’m finding it really hard to even warm to him

….and he knows it, he knows you don’t like him that much, he knows you prefer his sister, he hasn’t at 6 got the verbal intelligence to sit down and say ‘ nan why don’t you like me’ so he does what many 6 year old would do he looks for attention, any attention he looks to disrupt and yes to give you a hard time as he feels you’re giving him a hard time
He’s good at school, he gets on with his grandad, so I d be surprised if he’s anything other than a little boy trying to punish you for not liking him
Change it around, play with him, have a giggle with him, kick a ball round, play a board game, draw with him, read an exciting story to him, find your route into him and most of all tell him you love him
I d have the children separately for a little while that way he’s not having to share anything you can give him your undivided attention which is what is begging for , he played his music louder and louder so you would know he was there a telling off is better than silence

I’m not blaming you just hopefully encouraging you to look at it through his eyes

VenusDeVillendorf

My feeling is that you need to step back a little and stop judging your grand children.

It sounds to me that your GS has undiagnosed ADD with some oppositional symptoms.

His parents need to step up and get him to a clinical psychologist to be assessed.

Remind yourself that you love all your grandchildren equally.

Take a break from hosting them until they’ve both been assessed.

ADD isn’t a bad thing to have in this fast moving world. If he can control the impulsivity and emotional overload response, he’ll be able to succeed, and won’t interfere too much with his sisters life.

It’s urgent that he (and she) needs assessment. Pay for private if you can afford. There’s no time to waste.

I don’t think that the OP is judging anyone, she has simply stated that she is struggling to cope with her grandson’s behaviour.
I also think (through years and years of professional experience of dealing with the most challenging of children) that before people start talking about seeing professionals, other more simplistic avenues need to be explored and they are:
Consistency-which by the way is extremely hard to do, for example all actions have consequences so if the consequence to a bad behaviour is xyz then that is what happens.
Planned ignoring, choose battles wisely, let smaller poor behaviours go (for the time being) and concentrate on the most offensive ones.
Praise using child’s first name, every single time he does something well
Eg l ‘love Peter the way you spoke quietly just now’
I could go on but I’ll bore everyone.
I think nowadays there is a tendency to label every child with a ‘syndrome’ and hereby lies the problem.
Good luck OP you’re doing your best and that’s all any of us can ever do.

It sounds to me that your GS has undiagnosed ADD with some oppositional symptoms

It sounds to me as if he is a small child being exposed to the rigors of formal education too young and is possibly tired/hungry and wants to be at home.

Pps. Apologies I went on. I get a bit passionate. 😊
Great responses I hope you find some peace soon
lol. I liked the phrase ' nothing lasts forever' when the going gets tough

Haha. After all your replies I guess you will need to sleep on it a few days. I'm sure the things that will help you most will jump out. Best wishes. Xx

Agree

Agree.

You're not alone by any means. My sister was saying similar the other day., because he is eight she just said get out the car I'll watch you go in the house because I can't take any more of this naughty behaviour . He looked a bit shocked.....
A lot of parents don't do much discipline since it became a thing to be friends with your children before disciplining
I can understand this need, but discipline and love go hand in hand I'd say, and you aren't really doing the child any favours!
And there comes to time when enough is enough.
When they are old enough to know right from wrong
I'm not sure about all the labels they get given to be honest, I think it depends on your child's personality how you deal with it, the bottom line is it's good that they express, rather than put it all inwards, and when they can process and understand the lesson begins so to speak

..We have to deal with it the best way we can for our own sanity don't we, I know with mine, perhaps they did go into a bit of fear when they had pushed the line , I would suddenly feel like a pressure cooker exploding and they knew buy a look. They have gone too far . They knew I loved them and they are very close to me in old age. I suppose it's about respect as well.. I'm very close to my daughter now she has had her children and understands the buttons that get pressed!
For me, when they push the boundary of my patience and kindness and understanding, I was a bit like my sister, but not as harsh, and would say I really can't deal with you being like this and fighting with me all the time so I'm just going in the kitchen blah blah & when you feel better, come & have a chat and then we can make that cake,, whatever.
Give it back to them as he's six now he can understand that.. but keep your cool keeping your sense of control is really important for your own sanity and it's great that you've got a husband to share it with but I don't think you should just say go and see your grandad😀😀😂 maybe the odd time 😀👍🏼

He needs help now. Ask his parents to apply for help with his behaviour. It will only get worse! Teenage years not far away.

To be honest ... I wouldn't look after him as he has been so rude to you ....

My feeling is that you need to step back a little and stop judging your grand children.

It sounds to me that your GS has undiagnosed ADD with some oppositional symptoms.

His parents need to step up and get him to a clinical psychologist to be assessed.

Remind yourself that you love all your grandchildren equally.

Take a break from hosting them until they’ve both been assessed.

ADD isn’t a bad thing to have in this fast moving world. If he can control the impulsivity and emotional overload response, he’ll be able to succeed, and won’t interfere too much with his sisters life.

It’s urgent that he (and she) needs assessment. Pay for private if you can afford. There’s no time to waste.

I've experienced this with our two grandchildren. The eldest is 7 and he can be really difficult and downright rude and just not nice to be with. His sister is 5 and an absolute dream! I have found that when I tell him off and actually carry out threats (no going to the park unless you can change this behaviour in the next hour or something) that he has responded and those rules you mention - saying please and thank you, being helpful and cooperative, tidying toys away do need to be gently enforced! It is a challenge and I think it's perfectly okay to say no, he's not welcome unless he behaves! They have to learn and it often seems these days that the parents are so exhausted with trying to work and juggle home and children too that they just let behaviour slide until the children are ruling the roost! Be firm and kind and hopefully he'll grow out of it soon! Good luck 🤞

I’ve heard of people, females especially, masking when they have autism, people with autism often have ADHD too. My daughter has both, it wasn’t picked up because she masked.

However, it’s a complete misnomer that kids with ADHD are always badly behaved, it affects people differently, what I would say is that it sounds like your DGS is capable of controlling his behaviour every day at school, it’s unlikely he has ADHD.m, but not impossible.

Does he eat and sleep properly?

Is he jealous of his sister?

Have you thought of having him over on his own and actually sitting down and asking if he realises how upsetting his behaviour is and why he is doing this?

Good luck

If he’s not like it elsewhere, he’s playing a game and I would tell the parents exactly what it’s like. It’s down to them to discipline him and until he can say that he will try to behave better, he can’t sleep over with you I’m afraid. If the parents know this, I think things will change ( as they know they’ll not get a night off).

I would tell him he couldn’t stay till he behaved and just have his sister to stay over.

This little boy it seems is choosing to behave this way. I don't think we need to over pathologise everything or get into who can be the most fun GP.
Is he tired after school? Hungry? Does he need some space?

Re the comments on you being mean, I'd be tempted to stick it out and call his bluff and just be all tra la la. Ditto with the music in the car.

BlueBelle I agree. He senses how you feel.

Just to say I was very much a get down with em Nan so I remember going down a hill on my grandsons little bike legs akimbo I remember playing footie in the alley and flying kites and sitting for what seemed like hours while they combed styled (haha that’s a laugh) my hair with rollers back combing clips the lot (including the boys) I was the original ‘toy head’ later when my grandaughters got to early teens i was the face to practice make up on, what I m trying to say you say he gets on ok with his grandad does he see you as the strict one ( the enemy) and your husband as the playful one

He’s the only one I genuinely struggle with, and I’m finding it really hard to even warm to him
and he knows this he’s felt it and you ve become the enemy
Find what you do like about him, find something you can share and can do with him, give him something to look forward to coming to see you, make him feel welcome he’s feeling your dislike of his behaviour and doing it all the more to get your attention even bad attention is better than none in his baby eyes Show interest find what he likes and share it with him you ll soon win him over
Start again

Try flipping it. Ask him what you can do to be a better gran. Give him a little control. A safe word that means he is getting stressed and need a break.

One of my granddaughters was horrible. I felt ashamed with myself for disliking her so much. She sounded just like your grandson. Now she is a beautiful 16 years old girl. So lovely natured.
Try to talk things over with his parents. It will get easier because right now he feels like he has to have all the attention he can get and he’s singled you out as the enemy. Hugs. 🤗

A lot of good suggestions and possible explanations here.
I just wondered if he has discovered manipulation and is stilll very much developing this social intelligence skill...
My suggestion would be to have him over on his own but just for a few hours and let your husband do the interaction with him while you stay on the sidelines and avoid much eye contact. It's brave of you to acknowledge your feelings towards him but wanting to change that..
I so sympathise, like many of the other grans here i had a grandchild like that at that age and felt so ashamed of my negative feelings but again, as others said, she is a different child now a few years down thd line and loves spending time with me. So hang in there...he and you will come good