Grandson is a nightmare to look after

To be honest ... I wouldn't look after him as he has been so rude to you ....

My feeling is that you need to step back a little and stop judging your grand children.

It sounds to me that your GS has undiagnosed ADD with some oppositional symptoms.

His parents need to step up and get him to a clinical psychologist to be assessed.

Remind yourself that you love all your grandchildren equally.

Take a break from hosting them until they’ve both been assessed.

ADD isn’t a bad thing to have in this fast moving world. If he can control the impulsivity and emotional overload response, he’ll be able to succeed, and won’t interfere too much with his sisters life.

It’s urgent that he (and she) needs assessment. Pay for private if you can afford. There’s no time to waste.

I've experienced this with our two grandchildren. The eldest is 7 and he can be really difficult and downright rude and just not nice to be with. His sister is 5 and an absolute dream! I have found that when I tell him off and actually carry out threats (no going to the park unless you can change this behaviour in the next hour or something) that he has responded and those rules you mention - saying please and thank you, being helpful and cooperative, tidying toys away do need to be gently enforced! It is a challenge and I think it's perfectly okay to say no, he's not welcome unless he behaves! They have to learn and it often seems these days that the parents are so exhausted with trying to work and juggle home and children too that they just let behaviour slide until the children are ruling the roost! Be firm and kind and hopefully he'll grow out of it soon! Good luck 🤞

I’ve heard of people, females especially, masking when they have autism, people with autism often have ADHD too. My daughter has both, it wasn’t picked up because she masked.

However, it’s a complete misnomer that kids with ADHD are always badly behaved, it affects people differently, what I would say is that it sounds like your DGS is capable of controlling his behaviour every day at school, it’s unlikely he has ADHD.m, but not impossible.

Does he eat and sleep properly?

Is he jealous of his sister?

Have you thought of having him over on his own and actually sitting down and asking if he realises how upsetting his behaviour is and why he is doing this?

Good luck

If he’s not like it elsewhere, he’s playing a game and I would tell the parents exactly what it’s like. It’s down to them to discipline him and until he can say that he will try to behave better, he can’t sleep over with you I’m afraid. If the parents know this, I think things will change ( as they know they’ll not get a night off).

I would tell him he couldn’t stay till he behaved and just have his sister to stay over.

This little boy it seems is choosing to behave this way. I don't think we need to over pathologise everything or get into who can be the most fun GP.
Is he tired after school? Hungry? Does he need some space?

Re the comments on you being mean, I'd be tempted to stick it out and call his bluff and just be all tra la la. Ditto with the music in the car.

BlueBelle I agree. He senses how you feel.

Just to say I was very much a get down with em Nan so I remember going down a hill on my grandsons little bike legs akimbo I remember playing footie in the alley and flying kites and sitting for what seemed like hours while they combed styled (haha that’s a laugh) my hair with rollers back combing clips the lot (including the boys) I was the original ‘toy head’ later when my grandaughters got to early teens i was the face to practice make up on, what I m trying to say you say he gets on ok with his grandad does he see you as the strict one ( the enemy) and your husband as the playful one

He’s the only one I genuinely struggle with, and I’m finding it really hard to even warm to him
and he knows this he’s felt it and you ve become the enemy
Find what you do like about him, find something you can share and can do with him, give him something to look forward to coming to see you, make him feel welcome he’s feeling your dislike of his behaviour and doing it all the more to get your attention even bad attention is better than none in his baby eyes Show interest find what he likes and share it with him you ll soon win him over
Start again

Try flipping it. Ask him what you can do to be a better gran. Give him a little control. A safe word that means he is getting stressed and need a break.

One of my granddaughters was horrible. I felt ashamed with myself for disliking her so much. She sounded just like your grandson. Now she is a beautiful 16 years old girl. So lovely natured.
Try to talk things over with his parents. It will get easier because right now he feels like he has to have all the attention he can get and he’s singled you out as the enemy. Hugs. 🤗

A lot of good suggestions and possible explanations here.
I just wondered if he has discovered manipulation and is stilll very much developing this social intelligence skill...
My suggestion would be to have him over on his own but just for a few hours and let your husband do the interaction with him while you stay on the sidelines and avoid much eye contact. It's brave of you to acknowledge your feelings towards him but wanting to change that..
I so sympathise, like many of the other grans here i had a grandchild like that at that age and felt so ashamed of my negative feelings but again, as others said, she is a different child now a few years down thd line and loves spending time with me. So hang in there...he and you will come good

Can you have separate sleep overs so grandaughter gets her nice time with you and the little chap can have more individual time

What’s he interested in? can you find what he likes doing and join in with him be it Lego, computer games, Minecraft in the garden playing footie etc etc He probably feels you like his sister better and in a childlike way has pulled away from you to show his upset pnit being old enough to verbalise his upset

Find something he will look forward to coming round to do

It’s a stand off because he cannot verbalise yet that he feels inferior to his sister and that you don’t really like him.The only way he can show it is to be anti with you, which actually increases the stand off between you but you are the adult so you need to be the one to solve it
It’s blooming hard but will be worth it in the end

Couldn't you just have granddaughter for sleepovers. Did you ask her what she meant by mean?, It is pointless grandson coming if he is so against it as it must be dreadful for both of you,. My gs has issues but he would find it impossible to mask his feelings.

Both DS and DGS and myself have ADHD, none of us has ever masked, so I have no experienc of masking. I do not think it has ever occurred to us. In my case I couldn't mask because I couldn't pretend to be something I did not understand.

Have you considered having them visit separately so they can have their own "persobal time" with you when your focus isn't split and there are two of you available.

Do make sure that on the occasions that your GS does something good that you praise him and perhaps give him a little treat. Hopefully then he will gradually start to realise that life is more pleasant when he is good . Conversely though when you tell him that next time he plays up you will take him straight home, or whatever other punishment you deem appropriate, then you must carry it through. If you threaten and then don’t do it he will soon see it as what it is, an empty threat, and it will have no effect. It is important too that you and you work together with your daughter to be consistent and that he knows that if he plays up at Grandma’s he gets some sort of punishment such as a loss of privileges at home. Perhaps you and she could set up some sort of reward chart where he gains or loses privileges.

It is a common mistake, of course some children with ADHD will play up in school but the vast majority don't.
These children are often very difficult to manage once they leave the classroom.

Shelflife

Monica. Please understand that children with ADHD often behave in school - its known as masking. It is a huge strain for them ! When they get home they often ' explode' .
It is understandable for people to assume there is not a problem because they behave in school, sadly that is not always the case. I completely agree with everything else you have 'said' . A firm approach and consequences carried out is the answer for most children .

This is interesting, I always thought that children with ADHD played up at school, and I was once a teacher, did not think they could mask.
Is always good to learn something new.

Monica. Please understand that children with ADHD often behave in school - its known as masking. It is a huge strain for them ! When they get home they often ' explode' .
It is understandable for people to assume there is not a problem because they behave in school, sadly that is not always the case. I completely agree with everything else you have 'said' . A firm approach and consequences carried out is the answer for most children .

Sorry, I did not mean to quote you, though sensible comment!

Doodle

Boys and girls react differently. When you say you have rules is there something in particular he doesn’t like? Girls are often happy to sit and do craft or something. Boys like to bounce around, jump off things and do all sorts.
Does he like Lego? I spent ages playing Lego with our grandsons.
I know it’s understandable you feel differently about your tow grandchildren but if he senses you’re not so keen on him that may well contribute to his way of being with you. Interesting he gets on with his grandad.

ND children can be well behaved in school as they mask. When that pressure is off all that pent up adrenaline is released,

I agree with Jaxjacky, consistency. I dont agree with being more lax and easy going as a gran.

It's undermining the parents, most certainly when it is in the the O/P..

Since he behaves well in some situations - at school, for example, it is unlikely tobe ADHD.

Do his parents sometimes find it easier to give way to him than make him do as he is told? If so he has learnt that if he makes enough fuss he will get his way.

If you have really determined children like this, then what you must have is rules, as few as is practical, but quietly but firmly stick to them and not give way, no matter how much noise he makes.

I had a very detemined and, at times, difficult daughter. At 11 she was seen by a child psychologist, who told us that he usually saw girls like her at 14/15 when they had been expelled from school. However he said that I knew how to deal with her and that my policy of as few rules as possible, but being firm and not giving way, no matter what she did or said on those I had, was the right approach.

As an adult, DD has endorsed that, saying I rarely laid the law down, but if I did she always had an internal thought that perhaps I knew something she didn't and all though she would make a fuss, she would comply. She said she also knew that when I said no about anything and threatened any punishment if she disobeyed. I would do as I said, and the knowledge of the cetainity of punishment also meant she would make a fuss but comply.

Stick to your guns and be quietly insistent about your rules. It doesn't matter if for a period of time your grandson goes to others before he comes to you. For some reason, for a couple of years my DGS would do a side slip past my open arms to run to his grandfather, who was much preferred over me. After a year or so he grew out of it and was delighted to see me

Rules in our house are the same for our grandchildren as my daughter has in hers for them, our grandson has ADHD, but is not excused bad manners nor blatant disobedience by his Mum.
I think you need to talk to his parents Youngnanny as others have said and agree your response to this behaviour so it’s consistent at his home, as well as with you. Then stick to it, that includes your ‘softy’ husband, a united front.